Disclaimers: See the first chapter.

Snippets From the Potterverse

Chapter 26 - Birds And Bees

Harry Potter had a problem.

Well, not really a problem, but something was bothering him greatly. After his misadventures in romance at school, he was beginning to become curious - what were girls like? What went on in their heads? And more importantly - what about sex? No one had ever filled him in on the facts of life. Uncle Vernon never would have done it, and Hogwarts, unlike Muggle schools, did not teach sex education. There was no one else he could ask, seeing as Ron didn't have the slightest clue either, and Fred and George were most likely to make up stories.

However, he had Sirius. Harry didn't know how much a gay man could help him on the topic of girls; but he decided to give it a shot. He must know something.

So Harry summoned up all his courage one night and went to talk to his godfather. The others didn't even ask where he was going; Hermione, Ginny, and Ron were absorbed in a riveting game of Scrabble and didn't look like they'd be moving any time soon. Harry headed upstairs to his godfather's bedroom. The door was shut, and he knocked.

Come in. Harry pushed open the door to find Sirius sprawled out on the bed, sucking on a Licorice Wand. Remus was curled up in an armchair, an enormous book open on his lap.

Sirius... I wanted to ask you something. Harry said, feeling very uncomfortable.

What is it? Sirius sat up and patted the bed, inviting Harry to join him. Harry sat down gingerly on the edge of the bed, wondering exactly how to word his question. He glanced from Sirius to Remus, who had shut his book and was watching them curiously.

Er - well... Harry fidgeted and picked at a stray thread hanging from his sleeve. I wanted to ask you... if... if you knew where... well...

Knew what? Sirius asked, looking puzzled. Harry took a deep breath.

If you knew where babies came from, Harry said very quickly, blushing beet red.

He was surprised to see both men turn beet red as well. Remus and Sirius looked at each other nervously; a bead of sweat ran down Sirius' cheek.

Erm... Harry... well... Sirius looked uneasy, and he pulled at his collar. The thing about that is... er, well... Remmie, help!

He's your godson, Remus protested. It's your job to tell him!

Sirius looked very unsettled. I'll try... well, Harry... when a doggie loves a wolfie very much...

His lover elbowed him. I think he wants to know about straight sex....

Right... okay... Sirius sighed. Um, er... okay... when a man and a woman love each other very much, they... er... Remmie, don't you have a book on this?!



Harry squirmed. Well, can't we just... buy one?

Can't we? Sirius asked Remus anxiously.

Oh.... honestly, Remus sighed. You two are ridiculous. Harry, when a man and a woman love each other very much...

-Forty minutes later-

... And that's where babies come from, Remus finished.

Harry and Sirius looked very ill.

Remmie... did we have to hear the very graphic description of the birthing process? Sirius managed weakly. That was... ew...

Harry nodded vigorously. I think I'm off girls forever, he said unhappily. Gay sex can't possibly be as gross, can it?

Sirius said, with a grin. It's the best, especially when -

-Ten minutes later-

Now you've done it, Remus snapped. You've scarred him for life.

Harry was in the bathroom down the hall. They could hear him retching.

Guess he'll be celibate for the rest of his life, then, Sirius shrugged. At least we won't have any illegitimate little godbabies running around....