Disclaimers: See the first chapter.

Snippets From the Potterverse

Chapter 45 - Defense Against The Dark Arts, Part 2

It wasn't long before Dumbledore found a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. However, the Gryffindor sixth years were less than enthused come lunchtime on the day of their first lesson with the new teacher. Harry was doing a tally in his notebook, the others clustered around him.

So far, he announced to Ron, Hermione, Parvati, Lavender, Seamus, Dean, and Neville, We've had two good teachers - Professor Lupin, and Professor Moody, until he turned out to be a maniac. Unfortunately, we've had four bad teachers - Quirrel, Lockhart, Umbridge, and McDonald. It looks like fate is conspiring against us! We're doomed to have bad teachers!

His classmates groaned unhappily and slumped down in their seats. When the bell sounded, they trudged off to Defense Against the Dark Arts in a glum little group.

But when they entered the classroom, there was no one else there. Everyone took seats and got settled, then sat there expectantly, waiting for the teacher to arrive.

Good afternoon, class! I'm Professor Rock! a voice said.

Professor - Rock? Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged glances. That voice sounded eerily familiar... but it couldn't be.... Sirius had gotten rid of it....

I'm a talking rock. But the rocks around here don't talk very much.

Their eyes widened. It was what they had feared! The talking rock from Sirius' attic!!

Now, to get you started on Defense Against the Dark Arts! Dark Arts... there's a horrid thought. My previous owners were great Dark wizards, but I never liked them much. All they did was shout and scream at their eldest son, who was some boy-snogging nancy boy. His brother was a million times prettier, in my opinion, but the gay one was better tempered and didn't go around trying to kill Muggles.... then I got locked in an attic for fifteen years or so... the gay bloke finally dug me out, and threw me in the ocean! Luckily, I washed ashore in Wales and the headmaster just happened to find me on the beach during his holiday... so he brought me back here to talk to. I had fun talking to him and all the previous headmasters and headmistresses, but as soon as I heard this post was open yet again, I volunteered! I couldn't let my knowledge of the Dark Arts be wasted! What better than to teach you youngsters how to handle yourselves! I mean... what would you do if a crazed ninja with a bazooka jumped out of a bush at you? Would you even know what spell to use to repel him? No, I didn't think so!

FORTY MINUTES LATER

Listening to the rock was just as bad as sitting through History of Magic. Many of the Gryffindors were in the stupor they usually reserved for Binns' class, several people were sleeping, and even Hermione looked out of it. But the rock just kept on talking.

....And the Death Eaters! I could rattle off their names right now, and their crimes, but what good is that, I'd just bore you all to death... it'd take forever, too... oh, the things I heard in that house... But I heard stuff in Wales, too! The headmaster was searching every shop for a special brand of socks made with an ultra-rare wool from Prague, but no matter where he looked, he couldn't find them! I told him, Headmaster, sir, I know where you can find them! There's a quaint little shop in Aberdeen that sells them selectively!' Well, he was impressed, asked me how I knew so much, told him I picked up a lot from my previous owners. Three centuries I've been in the Black family, and I knew everything! I could tell you everything, every nasty secret, but I suppose that gay lad would get back at me for spreading filth about his ancestors. I wouldn't do that anyway. After all, I've had a few bad eggs in my family...

That was it. No one could take it anymore! As the Boy Who Lived, Harry couldn't stand idly by as his fellow Gryffindors wasted away to skeletons listening to the blatherings of this bloody rock!

He got up, crossed to the front of the room, picked up the rock, and headed to the window.

Hey, what are you doing? Hey, I know you now! You're the gay bloke's godson! Well, I'll let you know, you aren't going to - hey! put me down! Don't even think about throwing me out that window! Ten points from Gryffindoooooorrr.....

The rock's words were cut off as it landed in the lake. Harry brushed off his hands and sat down to the applause of his friends.