Disclaimers: See the first chapter.
Snippets From the Potterverse
Chapter 51 - Luci In The Sky With Diamonds
Like most people, Lucius Malfoy hated going to the dentist.
But he only hated going because his dentist was a Muggle. Some bloke named Flanagan.
So, Lucius tried his best to avoid the dentist's office. Unfortunately, he woke up one chilly morning to discover that he had a cavity.
You'll have to see the dentist, lovey, Narcissa said firmly, shoving him out the door.
And that was how Lucius found himself strapped into a dentist's chair, with bright lights shining in his eyes and a suction tube in his mouth. He couldn't help from sweating. He had never had a cavity before. What would happen to him?
All right, Mr. Malfoy, Dr. Flanagan said cheerfully. We'll just give you the gas, now, and you won't feel a thing!
A plastic mask was pressed to his mouth and nose. Lucius inhaled, and immediately felt pleasantly drowsy. Another breath, and his eyelids drooped. Another, and he was skipping down a road made entirely of pink brick, looking at trees that seemed to be made of spun sugar.
A rabbit hopped up to him. It wore a top hat and spats, and had the head of Thomas, the boy he had been sleeping with in his fifth year at Hogwarts.
Luci, long time no see! Thomas-bunny said cheerfully, pulling out a rifle. He fired, sending a blast of flower petals into Lucius' face. A hole opened up under his feet and he fell, landing hard on a pile of leaves. A snake with Lord Voldemort's head slithered up to him.
Fine day, my Lucius, Voldie-snake hissed, crawling up his trouser leg. Lucius shrieked, then gasped, then moaned. Whatever the snake was doing in there, it sure felt nice. But it stopped abruptly; Lucius opened his eyes to find himself sitting on a cloud, dressed in a blue frock, white pinafore, and Mary Janes. His hair was done up with a huge blue bow. He yelped. What was all this?!
Two loud popping noises announced the arrival of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Lucius twitched. Lupin was wearing a slinky, sexy French maid's dress with a frilly apron, six-inch heels, and fishnet hose; Black was dressed as a naughty nurse, smirking slightly and pulling on a pair of rubber gloves. Lucius backed away as the pair converged on him. Black winked. Come on, Luci... it only hurts at first....
Lucius took off one of his Mary Janes and threw it at them. Black and Lupin shattered into a thousand pieces, which turned into birds and flew away. The sky turned blinding orange, and a sea popped out of nowhere. A giant clamshell rose from the water and opened, revealing Albus Dumbledore, completely naked except for a wreath of laurel leaves. He blew a kiss to Lucius, then turned into a large cupcake.
Long live the Queen, the cupcake squeaked, and rolled away, leaving a trail of frosting. Lucius stared after it. Then, a figure rose out of the frosting trail. It was Narcissa, but the heads of her sisters Andromeda and Bellatrix were growing out of her shoulders. Lucius screamed.
Do shut up, the three women said in unison, and poured a glass of water over his head. The frosting trail opened up and swallowed Lucius, and he found himself flying past a brilliant sunset. A yellow submarine was below him, and four vaguely familiar heads were poking out of the windows.
Look up, fellows! It's Luci in the sky! John cried.
Yeah, no diamonds though, Paul commented.
Watch out for the campy drawing of Queen Victoria! George yelled, as a black-and-white sketch of the Queen popped up in front of them.
Help us! Ringo wailed, as the yellow submarine hit the Queen and started to sink. Oh God, help us!
Lucius soared on, past a grove of poppies in which a lion, a scarecrow, and a tinman were dancing, heading for a bright, gleaming city of green straight ahead. He landed inside the beautiful green city, and a huge cloud of smoke billowed up before him. Someone emerged from the smoke. It was Dr. Flanagan, but he was wearing a suit with short pants and clutching an oversized lolly, his hair done in ringlets under a large hat.
It's time to wake up, Mr. Malfoy.
Lucius opened his eyes groggily. He was back in the dentist's office. Dr. Flanagan was smiling down at him, looking completely normal. See? Even though I went a little too heavy on the gas, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Lucius sat up and flung his bib aside. That's what YOU think! Crucio!
