Silent Cry, Lonesome Tears
Mona-chan: I got three reviews! WOOO! Hip, hip, hurray! I don't think this story will be very long, especially compared to my other one. I'm sorry about all the author notes in this chapter, but I can't help putting them in! I forgot the disclaimer in the last chapter so don't sue me! Yume-chan notified me that I got "Eriol" spelled wrong. It is "Eriol", not "Eirol". Sorry about that! Thanks, Yume-chan! Thank you's for the reviews are at the bottom.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Card Captor Sakura characters. I also do not own the two high schools listed in this chapter (Jonan and Yotsubashi). They belong to Fushigi Yugi. The name Akito belongs to Kodocha. The only thing I own is this plot.
Chapter 1 – Change of Mind
The days and nights of crying made my eyes red and swollen. The nights of missing sleep made my eyes baggy and black.
It felt like no one cared. Sakura was always too busy with Syaoran. My father left our family for his own selfish needs. My mother, Sonomi Daiidouji, is always busy with her big time company to offer much love for her daughter. Eriol, it felt like he was in love with Sakura as well. Everyone loved Sakura, but no one loved me. In fact, it appeared to me as if everyone else was loved, everyone but me. I wanted the empty space in my heart to be filled.
Now it was 8th grade. I had developed into a beautiful girl, and everyone told me so. I was happy of all the comments, and now knew that people cared for me. I wasn't alone in the world, but sometimes I still believed I was. Because though a lot of people cared for me, there was one person who I wanted that didn't, well, not as much as I wanted him to. Li Syaoran. He cared for me in a way. He was glad to return favors when I asked him, because I had helped him so much in our younger years and because he was such a great friend. But he didn't care for me the way I wanted him to. I wanted him to love me more than a friend, but that would never happen, because of course, his love was still for Sakura, and always would be. He and Sakura both thought I loved Eriol. How wrong they were.
I must've seemed selfish, and at times I doubted myself. When I was in third and fourth grade, and my friendship with Sakura was still young, I tried to do everything I could to support it. Now that I was in 8th grade, I felt like I was betraying Sakura, by loving Syaoran. In fact I had felt like I was betraying her ever since the day I found out what my heart desired. But what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her, right? I still felt guilty.
On the other hand, wasn't Sakura betraying me? She paid a lot more attention to Syaoran than me nowadays. I guess I should've figured this out years ago. That someday I wouldn't be the most important in her life. All those years of friendship seemed to be wasted away.
9th grade came and went. It was the last year of junior high school (A/N: I think the Japanese system elementary school is 1-6 and middle school is 7-9. I don't know about high school. I kind of messed that up in my story! Gomen!). The last day of the school year of 9th grade felt like the most heartbreaking day in my life. All of us took tests earlier in the year to get into the high schools we wanted to go to, and we all passed our tests (A/N: In Japan, students take a test to get into high school). That was great. However, our picks were based on our parents' views. We dared not oppose them, and took tests for whatever high school they wanted us to get into. Sakura and I went to Jonan High School, and Syaoran and Eriol went to Yotsubashi High School. Jonan was a top high school in Japan for girls and Yostubashi was a top high school in Japan for boys. So there, the paths of our lives separated. After all the long years – 6 years to be exact – of knowing Eriol and Syaoran, the path of our lives were separated. We took different roads in our lives, and went to different schools. I had known Sakura for 7 years now, and it looked to be us, alone again.
Sakura and I became close together in our bond again in 10th grade. However, I knew that Syaoran was still on her mind. There would be days when she was so deep in thought that she completely ignored me. Of course, Syaoran wasn't only on Sakura's mind, but mine as well. Now that we became so distant from them because of our schools, I missed Syaoran more. The four of us met together rarely. We usually got together only on vacations or weekends. We had to enjoy the time we had together, but it was hard on my part to enjoy it thoroughly.
Of course I loved seeing our friends again. I did enjoy the wonderful times we scarcely had with one another. But the feeling of jealousy always overruled my feeling of happiness. I felt like a selfish girl who knew nothing but herself. But I couldn't help it. The feeling of jealousy always showed up. Now I was even more furious with Sakura. It wasn't right, I knew. She had done nothing wrong. But I just couldn't stand it. Every time I would see them hug, kiss, show love or affection, the jealousy feeling showed up. Sometimes I would get so angry I would want to pull them apart, separate them forever, to know how I felt. I wanted to scream at them and see how they liked it. I wanted them to feel my miserable pain. I wanted them to know the true me. But I couldn't do these things. Who would expect Tomoyo Daiidouji to do these unreasonable things? I was still able to keep the calm exterior, but the inside of me was burning up.
After 10th grade, we decided to get together in the summer break. That was just as hard, seeing as we had too many of our own activities as well as homework and other things that occupied our day (A/N: Japanese students have homework in the summer. At least I'm pretty sure they do. Correct me if I'm wrong. I'm sure Chinese students do, though). We were all pressured with our grades, so that didn't work out as we'd thought it would have.
This was very distressing, but it gave us all some time to think on our own. Or at least it gave me some time to think. I had to reflect on my life and what was happening. Why should I be wallowed up in misery? I wanted to live my life happily, just like all my other friends. I decided to try and forget about Syaoran. I needed to move on with my life.
Reaching my decision, in 11th grade I decided to date boys from other schools and forget all about my love for Syaoran. With the help of Sakura, I had many hookups with boys and dates. I had to get Syaoran off my mind. As I told you, by 8th grade I had grown into a beautiful girl. After that, I was no long hoping that I was as beautiful as Sakura. All that ended right there. Nevertheless, up until the summer before 11th grade, I was still hoping Syaoran would love me. But now I was pushing all those hopes and wishes away from me. I wanted them to disappear. I wanted to start a new feeling of love. And so I did. Or almost did.
Akito Sasaki was a handsome boy who was in the same grade as myself. I started dating him in 11th grade. He went to Jenbo High, the school located on the same campus as Jonan. Jenbo was the second top school in Japan for boys.
Akito had light brown locks that would hide his shy and cute face. He had deep meaningful brown eyes as beautiful as day and night. His smile was captivating and genuine. Besides Akito's great features, he also had a great personality. He was kind, smart, and caring. That was the thing I felt like I lacked in such a long time. I lacked the feeling of people caring for me. But that was gone now, because it was exactly what Akito did. He cared for me.
By the middle of 11th grade, I had pushed thoughts of Syaoran to the back of my head for good, or at least I thought for good. He had disappeared in my mind as far as thoughts of love about him. Akito and I shared a wonderful love, or at least that's what it seemed to be at the time. It also helped that I hadn't made contact or seen Syaoran in quite a while. By 12th grade, we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We had great times together. We'd always talk, kiss, hug, and show affection to each other. Just like Sakura had always done with Syaoran. I was no longer envious and I finally knew the meaning of happiness.
I could see that Sakura was happy for me too. She didn't mean to ruin my happiness and bliss; she just wanted us to have a good time with our old friends. But with her innocent deed, she hurt my relationship with Akito badly. She hurt my happiness, unknowingly.
The summer after 12th grade, Sakura called me on the phone. She told me to come over to her house as soon as possible, but not telling me why. I figured it must have been something important, or Sakura wouldn't have interrupted my daily tasks. It sounded important too, by hearing the excited and rushed voice of Sakura's on the phone. I told my lady bodyguards I needed a ride to Sakura's house. They already knew where it was because they had been driving there ever since I was in 3rd grade, when I met Sakura. I put on my blue coat and stepped into my shoes, getting in our limo. The bodyguards dropped me off at Sakura's house as I waved good-bye. I rushed up to the door. I patted my clothes down and back into place. I breathed in deeply first, and then pressed the doorbell. 'Ding Dong,' it rang. Sakura ran to the door and told me to come to her car.
Fujitaka Kinomoto, Sakura's father, drove us in the car. I asked Sakura where we were going but she refused to tell me. She told me it was a surprise. When we got close to our destination, she told me to close my eyes. She tied a cloth around my eyes to blindfold me. Sakura and I (blindly) waved goodbye to her dad as he drove away. Sakura led me up to the steps. She rang the doorbell. There was silence, except a few whispers. What was happening? Sakura helped me step into a room. I took off my shoes, and Sakura led me to a couch. She said hello to somebody else in the room. There were two others with us. Wait a minute...I knew those voices. Sakura took off the cloth from my eyes and in front of me were two grinning boys. Eriol and Syaoran.
My two friends that I had not seen in so long! I was so excited! But as soon as the excitement rushed in, the memories flooded back. I gasped, color leaving my face. All my thoughts of love with Syaoran rushed back upon seeing his face in front of me. I didn't really forget about Syaoran. Thoughts of him were pushed to the back of my head, but I never forgot him. I still loved him. My relationship with Akito was ruined. I didn't want my life to be drowned in misery again, but I knew I loved Syaoran, and that was the truth. It was too hard to move on.
My three friends peered strangely at my face. I realized I had put on a horrifying face and blushed. "Are you alright?" they had asked (A/N: Woot! First dialogue!). I told them I was fine and smiled, laughing my trademark laugh.
"Oh, ho, ho, ho..." I laughed and put on a cheery smile. To cover up, I just told them I was just so excited to see them. Everyone laughed heartily. We had a great time together. But every single second I tried to enjoy, a little voice inside my headed shouted nasty things at me.
"I have to go," I told them. They wanted me to stay, but I truly couldn't. I called my bodyguards on my cell phone and they came to pick me up. I offered Sakura a ride home but she told me she would stay a while longer. Syaoran, Sakura, and Eriol all waved goodbye to me. I could see none of them wanted me to leave, but Eriol in particular had an unusual expression written across his face. An expression of concern. An expression of suspicions. An expression of love.
'No, Tomoyo!' I thought to myself. Of course Eriol didn't love me, especially now that our friendship was drifting apart. I didn't love Eriol and he didn't love me. That was the end of that. Brushing the thought away, I decided that tomorrow I would have to break up with Akito.
Two days later, Akito called. I was in my room, doing my homework from 12th grade as well as the entry homework to college. 'Beep, beep,' the phone rang.
I picked it up and spoke into it, "Moshi, moshi. Daiidouji residence. Tomoyo speaking."
Out of the other end came a soothing voice, "Hey Tomoyo. It's Akito." I gasped. "What's the matter?" he asked, "I just called because I really miss you and I haven't seen you in so long. Maybe we can get together soon sometime?" He was so sweet. Calling to because he missed me...but there was no time to consider that! Now was my chance to break up with Akito, even though it was going to be hard and I didn't want to do it at all. But I knew I had to. For Akito's sake. I couldn't love two people at the same time. It would be wrong. Just because my life was so depressing didn't mean I had to make Akito miserable too.
I cleared my throat twice. "Akito...I don't know where to begin." I think he had a feeling that something bad was going to happen. "Well..." I faded off until my voice was nothing.
He helped me, "Well, Tomoyo, sweetie...how about starting to tell me what's going on?" He said this in a gentle, curious voice. It made me feel guilty at first, but then I remembered I was doing this for his own good as well as mine.
I mumbled softly, "I'm sorry." I could see that I was puzzling him. I had to cut to the chase, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. And I still wanted us to be friends. Oh god, why couldn't anything go my way?
"...What, Tomoyo...?" He said just as softly. "Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything...."
"Oh, Akito! I'm sorry...!!" I spoke quickly. "I don't think this is going to work out...we can't...we can-n-n-t be lovers...anymore," I faltered, thick tears making their way down my face. I sobbed loudly over the phone.
Akito heard me and said, "Baby, Tomoyo...why are you crying? Why can't we be lovers anymore? I love you, Tomoyo Daiidouji. I love you with all my heart. Why do we need to break up? Don't you love me, Tomoyo? What's the matter? I'm sorry for whatever I did wrong to make you think this way! I can improve, Tomoyo, I promise..." He spoke his words desperately, "Tomoyo! I can be a better man for you...just give me another chance..."
His words stuck into my heart like frozen icicles. His words hurt enough to penetrate my heart. They pained me so much. For the third time, I had to remind myself this was for Akito's own good. More tears slid down my face. We remained silent for a couple of seconds like this. Then I broke the silence, whispering, "...Akito, it's for your own good. We can't be together anymore. I thought I loved you. I do love you. But I love someone else too...I can't put you into this misery. I'm ending it here...you don't deserve to have a miserable life, Akito..."
After that sentence, I turned off the phone. Akito shouted something into it, but I couldn't decipher the words. It sounded something like, "Tomoyo! I love you...." I sighed and got up, wiping the tears off my face.
Thank you to:
yumewolf-chan – When are you updating Cupid's Arrow? –looks at review history- Hmm.....Thanks for reviewing!
Angel Frost – Hey, thanks for reviewing! I know, who wouldn't fall for Syaoran? He's so cute.
Sifuana Auria – Yup. Tomoyo's always a nice friend. Thanks for reviewing!
Mona-chan: Hmm...I got three reviews on this chapter and 11 on my other story so far!! ...YAY! Hehe...! I'm happy!! Well, again, please REVIEW, REVIEW, and REVIEW!! Arigatou minna-san!!!!! By the way, can anybody help me learn some Japanese words? Minna means everybody, right? What exactly does moshi moshi mean? Something on the phone...kawai - cute. What is kyaa? Ohayo - hello. Konichiwa - good morning. What else? Please help. Thanks!! Emails welcome at !!
