The morning after wasn't bad as I expected…in fact, it was kind of nice. I went to get up, but Mark's arms were wrapped around my waist. It was a warm welcoming change in my life…almost so soothing that I felt myself slipping back into sleep. I could definitely get used to this…maybe all of it. Still…there was something missing…something I couldn't place. Mark looked so sweet when he was asleep…not that he wasn't sweet…it was well…he looked so peaceful, not hiding behind his camera for once.

His breath tickled my cheek, I smiled. I knew Joanne would be mad, but so was I. She hurt me! I was rebelling; sleeping with Mark was a good way, in my mind. I shifted, snuggling closer, wanting the warmth and comfort. His shoulder had pink nail marks dug into them…I didn't realize how fragile human skin was…I mean, yeah, I knew you fell and scrape yourself…but I never thought seriously about the fragility of human skin…my broken heart must have softened me…or was it like an afterglow thing? Whatever it was…I felt good!

I drifted back off to sleep and when I awoke, Mark was gone. It was cold where he had been lying; I wondered how long ago he had woken up. Looking for my clothes was the hard part…my bags were somewhere, not that I felt like looking and the clothes that I wore yesterday could have been anywhere. There on the floor was Mark's shirt, which I hastily threw on and I found a pair of underwear and pants lying around. I walked out of the room. Mimi sat at the table drinking coffee, Mark and Roger were nowhere in sight. I slumped down into a chair, I was so desperately miserable, Mark up and left me and Joanne wanted nothing to do with me. Was I that bad? No! I couldn't be!

"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah, totally! Why wouldn't I be?" I asked back in a fairly happy tone.

"What happened that you were crying?"

"Oh that…it's nothing, really, don't worry." Mimi looked suspicious, so I said, "it's nothing…I just got into a fight with Joanne. She just needs time to cool down."

"Is that why you slept with Mark?" she asked, I felt my eyes narrow slightly. "Don't worry, Roger doesn't know. You never cry though…was it bad?"

"I did once," I said. "Honey, everything will be fine, don't worry. Joanne and I have always gotten back together. She loves me too much to see me go. Give it a week."

But a week went by and I didn't hear from Joanne…I missed her. I wouldn't admit it. Then I started getting worried, what if she got a new girlfriend? What if I was history? But no one dumps me! I always the one who does the dumping! Now I was the one who was waiting for love. I spent more of my time locked in Collins' room, jumping only to pick up my cell phone. Most of the calls I got were from Collins…not that I didn't like talking to him, I missed Joanne. The only person who had attempted to talk to me was Mimi. I figured Mark was too embarrassed…and Roger was just Roger.

I had soon tried approaching Mark about that night, it was pretty good, it felt good and right. But I had an identity that was slowly shattering, now that I was yesterday's news to Joanne. Why should I be the one rejected? I could find myself a new love that was better than her! I mean, I have gone around. I have had my experiences, but nothing was like being with Joanne…Mark wasn't bad…what was I thinking? My reputation was dying before my eyes. You know what…fuck my reputation! I was not only slightly mad at Joanne, but mad at myself. I had allowed Mark to get close to me again and I was all over him!

Slowly more weeks went by, it was almost two weeks after the incident that I started to let people back into my life. Mark was slowly coming around. I saw that Joanne wasn't coming back around, so I decided that I wasn't going to let it bother me. I had to live. I went to the Life Café with the group, it felt awkward being there single and with Mimi and Roger together, she was hanging all over him. It made me envious…so I hung over Mark. I didn't drink, I was too upset to even try and hold anything down. I stuck with water. I swore things were fine. I'm sure Mimi told them everything…as I told her everything a week after.

Before I really became aware of it, Mark and I started getting into a relationship. I felt a repeat of before, knowing that as soon as Joanne had forgiven me I was gone from Mark and back with Joanne. I wasn't very cautious, like always, I looked for fun and games…I teased him and played with his heart all over again, but he was always the same sweet Mark. He often liked to make me feel like a queen, showing the most beautiful film reels he owned.

He took me out at night, we went to a dance club one night about a month and a half later…Mark was a clumsy dancer, but he cared. We danced slowly to this beautiful song that reflected our relationship and he knew it too. I felt inside that I was breaking; I knew something was wrong…but I couldn't explain it. Mark held me close, I breathed in his scent as the song played behind us.

Visits to you are suddenly new and suddenly everything's so good
I've been here before, will I be here again.
Please tell me you'll never be taken
Is this the right time or is this the last time, how much more time
When will time take away my visits to you?

Living with this, holding your hand, knowing I'll have to let go soon
Living right now, and right now and right now,
Knowing I'll soon be without you.
Is this another time or is this the last time
How much more time, when will time take away my visits
And when you go where your going, where will you be going
I know I'll keep going on my visits to you

I backed away from Mark, looking into his eyes. He knew it too, the song was ours. We knew this relationship shouldn't and couldn't last. Both of us knew that I had my life to live. Our hands were clasped together and we started to a table. I watched him with an odd calmness. I felt more peaceful now than I ever had before…and it was an odd feeling. I didn't like it because it never was part of me. Life was spinning around me, I was lost.

I leaned on one hand propped on the table, watching him. I watch him, but his blue eyes never really setting on me. It was awkward, silent…and…frightening. What was I afraid of? Me? I have never been afraid of anything…I never backed down from a challenge, I always fought back. Something was so strange that I found myself like a child…but almost like one of those Greek goddesses, unashamed and naked. I wouldn't back down, not now! Joanne wasn't calling and I wasn't begging to go back (no matter how much I wanted to go back).

Mark leaned forward, what now? I stared, blankly and hesitantly, but lazily still as my head rested on my arm. Gently Mark pressed his lips onto mine. I didn't react right away. His hand joined my free one, that rested on the table top…it was reassuring me that everything would be alright…but I knew somehow things wouldn't be. There was that strange gut feeling, but I ignored it and kissed him back fiercely.

We didn't come back to the loft until after one in the morning. Too tired to go much farther, we fell asleep on the couch. It was a nice feeling, knowing that you could go out and party and not have to butt-heads about anything. I felt so warm, but uneasy too, I couldn't place my finger on it…but there was a reason. I was soon asleep without much of a second thought.

I awoke the next morning feeling ill. I couldn't explain it. I was fine not even five hours ago and now…now, I felt queasy, I tried getting up and I couldn't really see straight. Then I just tumbled into darkness.

A/N: I feel like something's strange with it, but I suppose it's because Maureen's truly trying to get over Joanne. I felt it flow from my fingers. The song I used was "Visits to You" by Anthony Rapp, odd I use his song in this…but I was listening and they fit so perfectly with the story. I hope everything isn't too OOC and stuff…