Disclaimers: See the first chapter.
Snippets From the Potterverse
Chapter 67 - Lord Of The Rings (Condensed Version)
Harry awoke one morning in December to find a shiny, golden ring on his pillow. He picked it up. It was shiny. It was golden. It was pretty. Harry liked it.
"Hey, Ron. Look at this!" he said.
"What is it?"
"A ring."
"Wicked! Try it on!"
Harry did. He became invisible.
"Wow! It's a magic ring!"
At that moment, Dumbledore appeared.
"Did I hear someone mention a magic ring?" He grabbed it from Harry and looked closely at it. "This is the One Ring! It will surely come to evil purposes if found by the Dark Lord! We must throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! I shall be your guide! And now, your Fellowship!"
POOF.
A smoke cloud billowed up in front of them. When it cleared, Harry and Ron saw six people standing beside Dumbledore: Hermione, Ginny, Sirius, Remus, Hagrid, and a random Hufflepuff boy we will call Tim.
"Behold your Fellowship!" Dumbledore cried. "Your fellow small people, Hermione and Ginny! Your guy-who-looks-like-a-bum-but-is-really-an-important-king, Sirius! Your elf-stand-in, Remus! Your dwarf-stand-in, Hagrid! And your guy-who-is-very-arrogant-and-wants-the-Ring-but-it-doesn't-matter-because-he'll-be-killed-by-Orcs-soon, Tim! And I am your wizard, Dumbledore! Harry, you are Ring-Bearer! And Ron, you are Ring-Bearer's constant companion who may or may not be homosexually attracted to him!"
"WHAT!" yelled Ron. "Me and Harry? Ewww!"
"What did you say about me being killed by Orcs soon?" Tim asked in alarm.
"Let us go, Fellowship!" Dumbledore gestured wildly with his wand. "To Mount Doom!"
"Wait!" Harry was pulled from the castle, still in his pajamas. "Where are we going?"
"Mount Doom!" Dumbledore pointed to a large volcano just beyond the Quidditch pitch. That was odd. Harry couldn't remember seeing it there before.
"Look! A cave! Let's take it! It will surely be a shortcut!" Sirius said.
"Okay!" They hurried in.
"Oh no! A big monster! A balrog! Aghhhh!" Dumbledore tumbled down an endless pit.
"Oh no! Dumbledore is dead!" Sirius led the way out of the caves.
"Give me the ring, Harry!" Tim demanded.
"No!" Harry yelled.
"Oh no!" cried Remus. "Orcs!"
The Orcs surrounded them. Harry put on his magic ring and turned invisible; he jumped into a nearby boat and sailed away, Ron clinging to the back of it. Two Orcs picked up Hermione and Ginny and carried them off. And a thousand arrows shot Tim in the chest!
"Argh! Our poor, befallen guide was right!" Tim cried, before dying.
The Orcs ran away. Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid were left standing stupidly over Tim's corpse.
"Well, that could have gone worse," Sirius said. "Well, I suppose we should go save Hermione and Ginny."
"Argh!" Hermione cried as she was being carried away by Orcs. "Ginny! Wiggle!"
The two girls wiggled and were promptly dropped. They were picked up by an enormous tree, which dumped them at the feet of Sirius, Remus, and Hagrid.
"Thank you!" the girls cried. The motley crew continued on, until they saw an old man on a white horse.
"Look! It is Dumbledore!" they cried, running down to him. He waved his wand and horses appeared for them to ride.
"Come, fellow warriors!" he cried. "We must stop the Orcs from taking over Middle-Earth! I mean, Hogwarts! And to a lesser extent, we shall avenge the death of Tim!"
"There's a plot twist no one informed me of," Remus said, looking back several pages for any element of foreshadowing. He couldn't find any, and gave up as Dumbledore's army charged into battle with the Orcs.
Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were struggling up the side of Mount Doom. Somewhere, randomly, they had picked up Draco, who was strangely obsessed with shiny things, and who kept muttering "My precioussss..." whenever he saw Harry's shiny ring.
They reached the top of the mountain and looked into a bubbling lava pit.
"Gloop," said the lava. Harry and Ron exchanged glances.
"We'll need something to weigh the ring down," Harry said. He and Ron thought for a moment, then smiled evilly. "Draco!"
"Yes?"
Harry flipped the ring to him. "Here, take my shiny ring."
Draco's eyes glazed over as he looked at the shiny ring. Harry and Ron nodded at each other. Then Ron got on his hands and knees behind Draco, and Harry pushed the stupefied Malfoy. Hard.
"AIIIIIEEEEE!" Draco plummeted into the lava. There was a huge explosion, and Mount Doom began to quake wildly. Harry and Ron clutched each other and wailed, thinking they were doomed, but just then a powder-blue carriage pulled by giant horses swooped down. The door opened and Sirius leaned out.
"Quick, hurry, get in!"
They did as they were told. As they flew over Hogwarts, they could see the fallen Orc army being absorbed by Mount Doom's lava.
"Yay! The Ring has been destroyed!" Dumbledore said happily. "We rock!"
"I must be married so that I may become King!" Sirius said. "Remus, marry me!"
"Of course I will!" Remus and Sirius kissed.
"AAAAUUUGHHH!" Ron sat up. He blinked. He was still in St. Mungo's.
"Another toadstool dream?" Mrs. Weasley asked.
"Hold me," Ron squeaked in fear.
