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Onward, then:


In his sixth year, Severus kissed her.

N.E.W.T. Potions class was far more tedious than Severus had expected. Nearly every recipe he found in his book was flawed; nearly every list of ingredients should have been altered. Deciding that he would be damned if he was going to take instructions from the stupid text alone, Severus began following his intuition more than ever when it came to brewing the potions. He crossed out lines in his book, and wrote in new ones. Here, also, he wrote spells he was working on, crossing out letters and rewriting them until an incantation was perfect.

Lily Evans was in his N.E.W.T. class, as were James Potter and Sirius Black. Whenever the two boys did less than exemplary on the day's assignment, (which was often,) Severus smirked to himself and took special pride when Slughorn praised his potion above all the others.

Lily was another story. Ever since her first year, when Severus had prodded her along in the art of intuitive brewing, she had been relying on her mind more and more. At this point, she came to realise nearly as much as he did the number of flaws inherent in the recipes provided by the book, and was soon making as many creative changes as Severus himself. For the sixth year straight, the two of them were Slughorn's favourite students.

Slughorn liked Lily more than Severus, though, and Severus knew it. It was because Lily was cheekier and sharper when it came to Slughorn's comments and complements; Severus, on the other hand, just smiled.

"You really should be in Slytherin, Miss Evans," Slughorn remarked fondly one afternoon, after Lily had demonstrated a perfect completion of the day's potion. "You would be an invaluable addition to the house."

Lily smiled tolerantly at him. "Well, I don't see that happening… unless you want to go challenge Professor McGonagall and the Sorting Hat to a duel over my rightful place."

Slughorn laughed. "That's the spirit, Lily, that's the spirit… stand up for your house, I say… ten points to Gryffindor for sheer cheek…"

Every time Lily stood up to Slughorn or brushed aside his complements airily, Severus fell more and more in love with her. How was it that she could be so calm, so collected with authority? Severus shuddered, thinking of this past summer at home, where his father, who already yelled at and abused his mother, and begun hitting Severus more than usual, too. If only he could stand up to his father… but no, he couldn't. Not that it mattered anymore, though; he would be leaving this summer, now that he was of age, and if Tobias Snape came after him all he had to do now was curse him to hell and back. (Why his mother hadn't done this yet was something Severus could not fathom.)

Authority in general troubled Severus. He was not comfortable around those who were stronger than he was; this was why many of the teachers did not favour him as much of they would have had he been a bit bolder in class. What Severus really wanted was to have the power himself; then he wouldn't need to worry about being cowed, he could be the one doing the bullying!

He knew about Voldemort and all of that pure-blood business, but he wasn't yet sure if he had it in him to turn to the so-called "Dark Side," regardless of the power trip that would be involved. For one thing, his love for Lily Evans was too strong. Whenever Severus overheard his fellow Slytherins whispering about the Dark Lord and his followers, and whether or not they were planning on joining him, Severus thought about Lily Evans in conjunction with the fact that, if he ever became a Death Eater, he would have to accept a philosophy that completely denounced her.

Severus held onto the belief that he had come to that day in fifth year: Muggle-borns can be just as great as pure-bloods, but blood still counts for something. He was not ready to sacrifice his ideology just yet.

One morning, following the ringing of the bell and subsequent end of Potions class, Slughorn swept from the room for a conference with Dumbledore, leaving the students to finish cleaning up and get on their ways to lunch alone.

"Hey, Evans… care to come eat lunch with us?" James Potter put in smoothly as he strolled past her on his way out of the room.

She glared at him as she mopped up spilled armadillo bile. "No, thank you, Potter," she replied curtly.

Potter smiled easily. "Well… want to go out with me, then?"

She shook her head and turned back to her table. "No, I don't believe I do."

Potter frowned slightly. "Well, keep thinking about it…" He turned to Black, who had finished cleaning up his own potion and was now waiting for him. "I say, Padfoot, why don't we head upstairs?"

"Brilliant suggestion, Prongs. I'm impressed," Black agreed; he gave Lily a curt nod and followed Potter out of the room.

Severus, who had been watching them out of the corner of his eye, began to put away his unused potion ingredients again. The remaining three students in class soon left, and he and Lily were the only ones in the room, Lily still sponging her armadillo bile distractedly.

Severus took his time putting away the ingredients. He was hoping Lily would come over and accompany him to the Great Hall if they finished cleaning up at the same time; it would do a lot toward helping spur the fantasy that she liked him along.

Lily picked up the sponge, now sopping with armadillo bile, and reached for her wand, meaning to clean it instantly. In that moment, she fumbled the sponge, dropping it into her still-filled cauldron. There was a slight puff of steam, and the potion shifted colour slightly; it was now a darker purple. Lily frowned at it, and lifted her wand.

Severus, however, was thinking instantaneously of the ingredients used in the potion; the order Lily had probably put them into the cauldron in; the amount of time she would have stirred following the addition of the last two ingredients, if she were following her intuition, and not the text; the affects of armadillo bile on ground mandrake; and he realised –

"Evans! Don't smell the–"

It was too late. Lily Evans suddenly collapsed onto her chair, her wand hand limp at her side.

Severus let out an aggravated huff of breath. It was nothing serious, he was positive, but she was going to be a bit woozy for hours. When the bile had reacted with the briefly-stewed mandrake, it had created an odour that lolled the smeller into a state likable to one found after the ingestion a good deal of drowsy medication. He figured he should take Lily up to the hospital wing so that she could rest while the effects of smelling the altered potion wore off; she was going to be too tired to go to any more classes today.

Quickly striding across the room, and taking care to hold his nose tightly, Severus vanished the potion in her cauldron. Then he put one arm around Lily and helped her to her feet.

"Shouldn't have smelled that," she mumbled, her eyes half closed.

Severus smiled. "Quiet, Lily." He called her Lily, not Evans, because nobody was here and she was so out of it she probably wouldn't remember anyway.

She smiled back at him lazily. "I feel soooooo groggy," she admitted, hoisting herself higher by pulling on his arm.

Severus shook his head slightly. "As well you should. You should have known better than to smell that potion, Lily; I'm surprised at you!"

She laughed dully. "Oh, ha ha, Severus. Not like I can do anything about it now... just take me up to the hospital wing, will you? I want to slee-ee-eep!" An enormous yawn nearly split her face in two. He noticed that she had called him Severus, not Snape.

She must be really out of it, he mused, smiling bitterly to himself.

She wrapped her arms around his neck to get to her feet. Then she collapsed against his shoulder, closing her eyes.

Severus could feel himself tingling. She smelled like roses and tea and something he couldn't name. Her long auburn hair was clipped into a half-ponytail, and without really thinking about it he put his arms around her and held her there, comfortably against him.

Lily breathed in deeply. "Your hair…" she murmured.

Severus grimaced. "What about it?" He had just washed his hair that morning, and he didn't think it had gotten too greasy yet –

"It smells really nice," Lily admitted, sniffing it again. She sniffed up over his ear and then toward the top of his head, straining on tiptoes.

Now Severus laughed. "Why, thank you, Lily."

She smiled, and leaned away from him, her arms still around his neck, so that they were staring at one another. "I'm going to regret all this tomorrow." She winced slightly. "Did that sound mean? I can't tell anymore." She groaned. "Why did I smell that stuff? I know I'm out of it, but I just can't help it. And you knew it was bad, didn't you Severus? You're so smart, Severus, did you know that? You're probably smarter than I am, even… you're so smart…" She closed her eyes in self-aggravation. "I'm rambling on and on, aren't I? I'm sorry, I just can't stop talking… ugh, I hate feeling like this…"

Her eyes were still closed, and before he could really think about it, Severus leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips. It only lasted for one brief instant; then he pulled away.

Lily opened her eyes in shock. "Did you just… did you…" She blinked slowly, and shook her head as if to clear it. "I mean… Severus, you don't like me, do you?"

He shrugged, and couldn't help but smile slightly. "Well, I don't dislike you," he admitted calmly.

She frowned. "But you're always so mean to me… and I wouldn't even be talking to you if I hadn't smelled that potion… I know what I'm doing, Severus, I know what I'm doing; I just can't help myself… but you do like me, Severus, don't you?" She smiled slightly to herself.

She took her hands off of his neck, finally seeming to realise that they had been there. He dropped his arms at once. Lily took a step away from him, looking very, very exhausted. "Look, can you just… just help me up to the hospital wing?" she asked.

He nodded. "Of course."

And he did. Lily never spoke to him of the incident again, but Severus would catch her watching him in class sometimes, and he knew in his heart that she, like him, would always remembered that one stolen kiss.

-

In his seventh year, Severus lost her.

He first realised what had happened when James Potter and Lily Evans entered the Great Hall together, he looking ecstatic and she blushing slightly.

No, Severus thought desperately, no, they can't be –

But they were. By the end of lunch the news was all over the Great Hall: Lily Evans had said yes to James Potter. Severus never quite tracked down the details (it wasn't a major topic of discussion in the Slytherin common room), but from what he later heard, Lily had realised that Potter was really "much more mature" than he had been at a younger age, and that he was really "a great guy," and a whole load of other tosh that Severus knew was complete bullshit.

Apparently, Potter had (presumably on the advise of one of Lily's friends) "left her alone" for a week, and simultaneously made a point of not being as obnoxious as usual (indeed, he had only jinxed Severus three times since Monday). Then, when the anonymous friend informed him that now was as good a time as any to give it another try, he went up to Lily and suavely asked her, for what was perhaps the ten thousandth time, if she would go out with him.

Lily had said yes.

Severus was devastated. He watched Potter and Lily, both looking happier than he had ever seen them before, and his hatred of Potter escalated.

There was nothing to hold him back now, he thought idly. All these past months the sole reason why he had not confirmed whether or not he wished to join Voldemort had been her. Now, however, Severus knew in his heart that Lily and Potter were going to be together for some time, and that he therefore no longer had any shot at her. After all, if she would go for James Potter, he reasoned, she would most certainly not go for him, Potter's near opposite.

This meant that Lily was lost, now and forever, and though Severus could lust after her all he wanted, he knew that any future they might have had, any relationship that could have sprung from that gentle kiss in sixth year, was never going to manifest itself.

He decided to join the Dark Lord. He could compromise his beliefs; he had nothing left to hold him back.

-

When he was twenty-three, Severus condemned her.

He overheard a prophecy told to Dumbledore by Sibyll Trelawney one stormy night, a prophesy telling of a boy who would vanquish the Dark Lord.

"Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…"

And Severus took these words to his master with a clear conscience, for he did not want to imagine his pitiful life without the ego boost that being a powerful Death Eater had given him.

It was a week or two later that Severus realised that the prophesy could easily refer to the Potters, for he had heard that Lily was pregnant, and he knew that she and that damn James had defied the Dark Lord three times. That very evening, the Dark Lord confirmed his suspicions.

"The Potters… it will be the Potters…" Voldemort muttered. Then he smiled silkily. "Severus, you have done well to bring me this information."

Severus, however, felt his heart drop slightly. He instinctively blocked the Dark Lord from entering his mind; he did not normally do this but he did not want Voldemort discovering the details of his past romantic aspirations.

"Master, will they all be killed?" he asked quietly.

Voldemort seemed to ponder for a moment. "No, the woman is no threat to me… it is only the father and the boy… the woman will not be harmed."

And Severus breathed again. In fact, now that he thought about it, this was a near-perfect turn of events! That damn James Potter would get what had been coming to him since the age of eleven; his son would be out of the way; and Lily Evans Potter would be… emotionally devastated.

Severus frowned. He did not want Lily to be hurt, but it really was necessary. He paused in thought. Perhaps he could convince her to join the Dark Side, to join those who had murdered her family… but no, that was absurd. Then again, perhaps he could join the Light Side, become a spy for Voldemort… he could be with Lily then, surely… and perhaps he would even double-cross Voldemort and start working for Dumbledore. After all, he knew he had the power: he had never revealed to anybody his skill at occlumency and legilimency, but they nearly exceeded the Dark Lord's own. Surely he could get away with being a spy?

He would do it. But he would not spy against Voldemort; he would spy against Dumbledore, because while James Potter still lived he refused to join his side of the war. And so he went to Dumbledore, who of course knew that the Potters, who had just had a son, Harry, were being traced by Lord Voldemort, and offered up his services.

Dumbledore tried to discern Severus's true intentions twice, but he could not manage it, and before he could try a third time Severus pretended to lament over how he had condemned the Potters.

Dumbledore, the old fool, was tricked.

But just under one year later, something happened that made Severus completely reverse his position. When Voldemort was destroyed, he was not terribly distraught; he was under Dumbledore's protection, after all, and all he had to do was double-cross Voldemort's old supporters and become loyal to Dumbledore. This was even simpler than it would have been to do, however, because, to Severus's utter sorrow, Lily Evans Potter had been killed in the attack.

He could not believe it. After all Voldemort had said, after all Severus had seen in his mind, he had killed Lily. And this was why Severus was truly accepted by Dumbledore: because he spun an honest tale of remorse on the night the Potters died, never mentioning that it was Lily, and not her husband and son, for whom he grieved.

Soon, however, he had grown indifferent to the past, had shut it away as a long-dead part of his life. He no longer had love; he no longer had overwhelming power. He was just a lonely professor working to teach ignorant children the art of potion brewery.

-

When he was thirty-three, Severus missed her.

As he looked at Harry Potter, now eleven years old and beginning his first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, he felt that old envy and hatred of James Potter re-manifest itself. For one thing, Harry looked remarkably like his arsehole of a father.

In addition, Severus had never repaid Potter for that life-saving shit back in fifth year. He still loathed being indebt to somebody he hated, and he knew that the best way to escape the constant pressure was to save the life of this scrawny James Potter look-alike. So that was what he did.

But over that year of saving young Harry Potter from the insane Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, who turned out, as Severus had long suspected, to have Lord Voldemort coming out of the back of his head, Severus realised that having Harry Potter around only emphasised his desire for Lily. For starters, Harry Potter might not of been such a rule-breaking prat had his mother survived to raise him properly.

But more important than this was that seeing the product of Lily Evans Potter's womb made Severus regret more than ever that which he had lost. For really, if all had gone as he had long ago dreamt, if he had followed up on that one stolen kiss, Harry should have been his son. But no, that damn James Potter had ruined Severus's life, had taken both his dignity and his one true love.

For the first time since that night when she had been killed, Severus Snape missed Lily Evans with all his heart.

Finis


I hope you liked the story! I sure had fun writing it during those rainy Asturian days! Please review; I'd love to hear your final thoughts...

P.S. I'm now working on another story (we get lots of rainy days in Asturias; I had to do something!). Like this one, I'm thinking I'll finish all of it first and then post it, because I hate it when people abandon stories and never update. My new story doesn't have a name yet, but it's about Harry learning about his parents through the Pensieve of a reluctant "old friend" of theirs. And of course, he ends up learning way more than he could ever have imagined, including how his parents got together, etc., etc. Fun, eh? Keep your eye out for it!

xoxo,

Dixie