Disclaimers: See the first chapter. All song lyrics & music are copyright of their respective owners.
Snippets From the Potterverse
Chapter 80 - Karoke Contest
To perk the students up during the dreary winter months, especially as a freezing January merged into a sub-zero February, the Hogwarts staff decided to hold a karoke contest in the Great Hall. A huge sign-up sheet was tacked next to the hourglasses counting House points, and students were encouraged to sign up. Staff members as well signed a secret sign-up sheet in the staff office.
"Are you going to compete, Harry?" Ron asked one morning. Harry nearly choked on his bacon.
"What, me? No way! I can't sing to save my life."
"I thought that's what karoke was all about."
"Yeah, but still..." Harry squirmed to imagine the whole school, including Cho, hearing him sing. The very idea was atrocious. He shook his head firmly and concentrated on his food.
"I wonder who will be competing," Hermione said. "This could turn out to be quite interesting."
Ginny bounced over and grabbed a muffin. "Guess what! I'm in the karoke contest!"
"Cool!" Harry said, while Ron gagged. "What are you going to be singing?"
"Well, I was hoping to do a piece with three other people... Luna and Susan already volunteered to do it. Hermione, will you help, too?"
"Sure," Hermione said, smiling. "What are we going to be singing?"
"'Lady Marmalade'," Ginny said promptly.
Hermione's smile faltered; but she had already promised to participate. She cleared her throat and managed, "Er... lovely."
Harry and Ron stifled giggles.
When the night of the karoke contest arrived, the majority of Hogwarts shuffled into the Great Hall to find that the House tables had been replaced by hundreds of folding chairs. The staff table was standing against one wall, with Madame Hooch, Madame Pomfrey, Filch, Professor Trelawney, and Professor Smythe acting as judges. A makeshift stage had been erected in the place where the staff table usually stood, with curtains on either side of it to provide a kind of dressing room for the students who would be preforming. Harry and Ron took seats in the middle row, comfortably close to the stage.
At last, everyone was seated. Dumbledore, who was acting as the emcee, ascended the stage and spoke into his wand as if it were a microphone. "Our first performers are Miss Ginny Weasley, Miss Hermione Granger, Miss Luna Lovegood, and Miss Susan Bones, with their rendition of "Lady Marmalade". Enjoy!"
Music blared from nowhere, making everyone jump. The four girls danced out on stage, clad in skimpy lingerie and top hats. Harry blanched; Ron drooled as he stared at Hermione's fishnet-clad legs. Catcalls and hoots resounded throughout the hall, so that the song could barely be heard. At least if the girls sucked at singing, no one could tell, Harry thought to himself.
"Wonderful!" Dumbledore said, applauding. "Our next act is Draco Malfoy, singing 'Hallelujah'!"
"Eh?" Harry and Ron sweatdropped as Draco meandered up on stage, lugging a guitar and dressed like some hokey Nashville country star. He began to play, and wailed: "I've heard there was a secret chord... That David played, and it pleased the Lord... But you don't really care for music, do you?..."
His singing was awful; people's teeth were set on edge, and the occasional twang! of a breaking guitar string only made the song sound worse. Draco continued to warble, unaware that half the audience was now bleeding profusely from their ears; finally Dumbledore had had enough.
"SILENCIO!" Draco fell mercifully silent; he burst into unheard tears and ran off the stage. Harry and Ron giggled like the meanies they were.
The karoke contest lasted for several hours. Cho sang "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls (her performance stored carefully away in Harry's mind for future wanking material); Ernie Macmillan delivered a stirring rendition of "Stacey's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne; Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore did a lovely duet of the "Beauty and the Beast" song; Justin Finch-Fletchley scarred everyone for life by singing "The Ballad of Maxwell Demon" while wearing nothing but pink satin pants and bright silver lipstick; Professor Flitwick sang the "Lollipop Guild" song from "The Wizard of Oz". Finally, the last act was up.
"This is a surprise act," Dumbledore announced. "The person who volunteered did so at the last minute, and wished to keep their identity a secret until this moment. So, our Mystery Guest will now sing their rendition of 'I'm Too Sexy'!"
The curtain rose as upbeat music began playing. Harry and Ron were horrified to see Snape standing on stage, wearing a pink tank top and red leather hot pants!
"I'm too sexy for my love, too sexy for my love... Love's going to leave me... I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt..." At this point, Snape slipped out of his tank top and threw it into the audience. Harry shrieked like a woman as it landed in his lap.
Snape continued to sing."So sexy it hurts... and I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan... New York and Japan... " He began undoing his belt.
"AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Chaos erupted as the entire Great Hall rang with terrified screams, and the students started running out doors and jumping out of windows to get away from the horror.
"Boost student morale, my ARSE!" Dumbledore was heard to yell, as he fled in the direction of the Quidditch pitch.
