Disclaimers: See the first chapter.
Snippets From the Potterverse
Chapter 87 - Mystery Date
Tomorrow was Valentine's Day. Harry had not plucked up the courage to ask Cho to Hogsmeade again, especially after remembering last year's disastrous Valentine's visit. But he lamented not having a date, especially since Hermione and Ron were already going together.
"I have an idea," Hermione suggested. "Muggles watch a show called "The Dating Game", in which a girl asks questions to three men - Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, and Bachelor Number Three - sitting behind a curtain. She picks the man she likes best, and then he comes out to surprise her."
"Okay," said Harry, "But where will we find anyone willing to go out with me?"
"Leave that to me," Hermione winked, and wandered off.
Three hours later, she called to him. "I'm finished!"
Harry was impressed. Hermione had successfully reconstructed the set of "The Dating Game", and was dressed in a glittery tuxedo. She held her wand to her mouth like a microphone as Harry took a seat on the spindly stool standing before the curtain. Hermione handed him a slew of index cards and said, "Okay, Harry! Start asking the questions printed on the card!"
"Er - okay." Harry squinted down at the cards (having removed his glasses so as to appear more attractive). "Um. Bachelorette Number One, what do you think is - the - er - h-hottest thing I could do to you?"
"You could shut up!" a voice shrieked.
"Um. Okay. Bachelorette Number Two?"
"You could cover me in whipped cream, and lick it off," a sultry voice suggested.
Harry drooled. "Bachelorette Number Three?"
"You could... I don't know. You could... er... go out with me. I'd like that," a misty voice replied.
"Boring," Harry whispered, then said in normal tones, "Bachelorette Number One, I love the colour green. What's your favourite colour?"
"Harry Dead Red!" the evil voice screamed.
"That isn't Voldemort behind there, is it?" Harry asked Hermione anxiously.
"Of course it isn't. Just get a move on."
"Okay... Bachelorette Number Two?"
"Mmm," purred the sultry voice. "I like black. Black silk sheets, black leather... oh, and silver. Shiny manacles and sexy chains..."
Harry pressed a tissue to his nose as it began to bleed. "Bachelorette Number Three?"
"Blue is nice..." the dreamy voice said. "Like the battle costume of the Queen of Snorlak..."
"Er... yeah. Bachelorette Number One, what's your idea of a perfect date?"
"A trip to the torture chambers!" the voice shrieked.
Harry twitched. "Bachelorette Number Two?"
"Oh... I dunno... I guess I could take you for a ride, if you know what I mean."
"That sounds good," Harry drooled. "Bachelorette Number Three?"
"Would you like to tour the office where Daddy prints The Quibbler ?"
"Um... maybe." Harry looked at Hermione.
"All right, Harry! Which one do you want?"
"Number Two! Number TWO!" he yelled happily.
"All right! But first, we'll show you who you didn't pick!" Hermione called out. "Bachelorette Number One, please come out!"
She did. Harry screamed. It was Millicent Bulstrode, who punched him in the arm before walking away.
"Bachelorette Number Three!"
Luna Lovegood emerged from the depths of the curtain. Harry had had a suspicion it was her. She giggled and went to stand beside Hermione. Harry looked eagerly at the curtains, drooling, waiting for the gorgeous, apparently sex-starved girl to emerge.
"And here's your date!" Hermione announced. "Bachelorette Number Two!" She pulled open the curtain with a flourish. "DRACO MALFOY!"
"Ewww!" Harry shrieked. It was truly disturbing to be paired with Draco, but even worse to think of Draco practising his S&M fetish on him!
"Icky!" Draco wailed. "You didn't tell me I was going after POTTER! I hate you, Granger!" He ran off, sobbing.
"Hermione," Harry said through gritted teeth, "NEVER help me get a date again. EVER!"
