Disclaimers: See the first chapter.
Snippets From the Potterverse
Chapter 91 - Trash TV
The Easter holidays arrived, and Harry and his friends returned to the dismal atmosphere of Grimmauld Place. When they arrived (picked up by Mr. Weasley, since Mrs. Weasley would not allow Sirius to drive anywhere ever again with the kids in the car), it was to find the house decorated with paper rabbits, pastel-coloured paper chains, and plastic chicks (enchanted to chirp and hop). It looked like a certain ex-convict was going a little stir-crazy.
But the latest development in the house was the installation of a Muggle television, one big enough to block Sirius' family tree from view. Bill, Fleur, Sirius, Remus, the twins, and Tonks were clustered around it when the children entered the drawing room.
"Hey, TV," Harry said happily. He plopped down on the sofa beside his godfather. "Now I'll get to choose what I want to watch for a change."
"Does it get the History Channel?" Hermione asked eagerly, perching on a hassock with Ginny.
Ron said nothing. He just bowed to the television and sat on the floor gazing up at it, his eyes as large as Galleons.
"Brand new," Sirius said proudly. "It cost tons."
"We're bankrupt," Remus mumbled in a undertone.
"Oh, be quiet. It's the best, isn't it, Harry?" Sirius beamed.
"It sure is!" Harry clapped in delight.
As this was going on, something else was happening. A long, long time ago, Sirius' father had hated Muggles so much that he had vowed never to let any Muggle artifact or device enter his home. So in defense, he had put a curse on the house. This curse would destroy any and all Muggle objects in the house as soon as they were brought in. However, it took a while to work on electronic devices, especially large ones. But as Harry and his friends were happily watching television, the curse was working, building and building until...
POOF. The television screen went blank. A cloud of smoke emerged from behind the unit. The smell of ozone and melted plastic filled the air.
"What happened?" Harry wailed, remote control still in hand.
"This looks like Da's work," Sirius said glumly. "He must've put a curse on the house. He's the worst father that ever lived... or died..."
Ron was crushed. "I always wanted to see what those Muggle talk shows were like!"
"You mean you've never seen Jerry Springer?" Harry gasped.
"Nooooooo," Ron wailed.
"Well, we can't have that!" Harry leapt to his feet, a brilliant plan formulating in his brain. "Come here! I have an idea!"
Twenty minutes later
Sirius' drawing room had been transformed into a set of sorts. Three chairs sat before the fireplace. Hermione sat in one, looking very embarrassed in a miniskirt and thigh-high stockings. Bill stood off to the side, wearing a black t-shirt and jeans. Ron, his parents, Fleur, Tonks, and Remus were seated on the sofa and in chairs, facing the "stage". Harry, holding a pile of index cards and wearing a black suit with bowling shoes, stood off to the side.
"Hello everyone, I'm Jerry Springer, and today I have guests who need to get sexy secrets off their chests! My first guest is Hermione! Hello Hermione, what's wrong?"
Hermione squinted. Fred was standing behind the sofa, holding up cue cards for her to read out loud. "''Hello Har - Jerry. I came here today because my husband is cheating on me.' You spelled 'husband' wrong," she said to Fred.
"Never mind that." Harry said hastily. "Let's bring out your husband, Sirius!"
Sirius emerged from behind one of the curtains. He was wearing a gray football jersey and jeans that were far too big for him. They kept slipping, revealing his heart-printed boxers to the world. Remus quickly pulled out a hanky to stop the flow of drool; Mrs. Weasley groaned and averted her eyes.
Sirius went to join Hermione, tripping over his jeans because he was trying to read the cue cards as he walked. "Yo... biatch? I... don't want you anymore. You're... a.. ho?"
Hermione turned red, but struggled to read her lines. "You cheater. How could you do this to me?"
"You have to meet the other woman now!" Harry cut in. "Here's Ginny!"
Ginny emerged from a closet, wearing a checkered halter top and Daisy Duke shorts, her hair in pigtails. "I've just come from my... trailer park? ... to talk to you, bitch." She blushed profusely. "Sirius is my man now. So go back to your job at... Mc Donald's!"
Hermione read her next line. "Well I have to tell you something too, you whore. I am sleeping with your boyfriend George."
George came out dressed in a fashion similar to Sirius'. "I had your woman and she was... da bomb?" he said to Sirius.
"Yo, you ain't touching my girl. Hit George with chair." Sirius read.
"I think you're supposed to do it, out read it out loud," said George.
"Oh. Sorry." Sirius picked up a chair.
"That's enough of that." Bill took the chair away. Harry smiled and cleared his throat.
"Audience, any comments?"
"Sirius, I'm touching your boyfriend!" Tonks sang, her hand plopping down on Remus' thigh.
Sirius turned red. "Get you hands off him, BITCH!" he yelled, throwing one of his Nikes at her. Remus shoved her hand away and ran to the loo to wash off the cooties. Harry beamed and plopped down on a tiny stool.
"Well, that's that. And now for my final thought."
"What d'you mean 'that's it'? You didn't solve anything." Hermione said, disgruntled.
Harry ignored her. "Cheating ultimately hurts both parties. Be smart, don't start. Until next time, take care of yourself, and each other." He turned to his audience. "So, how did you like it?"
Silence reigned.
Ron twitched. "Is this another toadstool dream?"
"Sadly, no."
Ron fainted.
