Chapter 1

The Sorry Things We Say

Sleep was his escape. His days had become planned around his resting hours. When he slept, he didn't have to remind himself to breathe and no one asked him to.

Harry Potter felt as if he were about to cripple over from the pain in his stomach. He probably seemed like a madman, rushing up the stairs with his arm gripping his middle. The people he passed looked bewildered, but stepped aside without a word.

He just needed to get out as quickly as possible. When he had come down the stairs for breakfast (at Hermione's pleas), everyone was looking at him. They all looked like they were about to speak, and he didn't have the heart to hear their words. So he just turned around and ran.

He stopped in front of the room he shared with Ron, ready to jump right back into the bed he hadn't even made yet. But strangely, at that moment, he felt lonelier than he'd ever been, standing by himself in that dark hallway with that pain in his gut.

Without thinking about it, he ascended the stairs again, this time to the attic. When he reached the landing, he slowly walked toward the attic door, and hesitantly, opened it.

He peered into the room with an uncharacteristic shyness before entering. He closed the door behind him.

Harry sighed cautiously, and looked to the far corner of the attic. "Hi Buckbeak," he said softly at the creature in the corner. Buckbeak cooed in return.

The attic was bathed in midday light. Once a dark and musty place, Sirius had struggled to create the illusion of freedom for his house-arrested hippogriff. Said hippogriff was currently resting in the corner among stacks of hay and blinking lazily.

Harry looked at his feet for a moment before he remembered, and looked up to meet Buckbeak's eyes. He slowly started toward him, keeping eye contact. "I was wondering Buckbeak," he asked softly, "If… you'd mind sharing your room, maybe." He raised his eyebrows hopelessly and couldn't resist smiling at the notion of asking a hippogriff for rooming permission.

Buckbeak seemed to understand his vulnerability. To Harry's surprise, the hippogriff nodded before resting his head on the soft hay again.

Harry grinned and mumbled a "thanks" before walking over and setting himself down on the hay beside Buckbeak. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. The pain wasn't so bad anymore.

He reached up to stroke Buckbeak's furry back and inhaled the smell of sweet hay. Buckbeak opened his eyes and turned his head to stare at him. He had a hard look in his eyes, and almost seemed to be challenging Harry.

Harry, sensing the change in Buckbeak, opened one eye and peered at him. Seeing his look, Harry adjusted his glasses and looked out the window. The light seemed surreally bright, and it obscured any details of the outside world.

"It's nice today," he heard himself whispering without realizing it. He turned back to Buckbeak, and looked at him thoughtfully. Finally, Harry said quietly, "I just… didn't want to be alone."

Buckbeak stared at him for a moment longer, and then seemed to relent. The hippogriff closed his eyes and put his head down again.

The air around them felt still and heavy. Harry closed his eyes too. His strokes on Buckbeak's fur slowed and his head tilted down, until his chin almost touched his chest.

Before he fell asleep, he whispered and Buckbeak grunted in response.

"I don't think it'll ever be okay."


His sleep was uniform and dreamless. Before him was nothing, yet at the same time, infinity. He could not tell which. And in his sleep, he didn't care to find out. It was peaceful. It left him feeling empty.

He was not sure at what point of his sleep it was, but a voice appeared in the distance. The world was still dark, but it was as if his head was just turned, and right behind him was the whole world. He could hear the voice beckoning to him.

"Harry," it called out. "Harry, wake up."

His eyes shot open. He quickly closed them again from the shock of the bright room. Slowly, he reopened them.

Remus Lupin was crouching in front of him with a look of concern etched into every crevice of his weathered face and bright, young eyes.

"Professor!" Harry said, his voice hoarse from sleep. He cleared his throat. Harry was vaguely embarrassed to be caught like this, but above all, he was unreasonably angry. How dare he, was all he could think.

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. "Harry, I've been looking all over for you. It's time for lunch," he said worriedly.

"Well," Harry said, with a hard edge in his voice, "I'm right here." He cleared his throat again, and looked away from his former professor, turning to the window again. Buckbeak, who was still beside him, continued to nap.

"We were all worried when you didn't have breakfast…" Remus continued. He sounded far away to Harry. "I know this time has been tough on you…"

Harry concentrated his eyes on a red spot beyond the window. He wondered what it was. An apple, he considered… a butterfly? Or a kite… A kite, he decided, was a very logical choice.

"Harry!" Lupin shouted, surprising him. "Look at me." Reluctantly, Harry turned to look back at the other man.

"Harry," his voice softened, "If you'd ever like to talk about anything at all, I'm always here." Harry nodded gruffly, wanting very badly to get out of this situation.

Remus reached out and placed a hand on Harry's shoulder. "I know what you're going through. It may be difficult to do so, but you have to talk about your feelings. Since Sirius—"

"I'm fine!" Harry interrupted brusquely. "Please, just… I just want to go…" His voice trailed off at the end, and a heavy weight pressed against his throat. He tried to get up.

"Harry," Remus said softly, tipping his head down to try to meet Harry's eyes, "You can't move on if you don't talk about your feelings. Lying to yourself will only make it worse."

Harry muttered bitterly under his breath.

"Excuse me?" said Remus.

"I said," Harry clenched his jaw tightly, "I don't see you following your own advice."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Harry, I—"

Harry scoffed. "Please, Professor." He boldly looked into Remus' eyes then. "I'm young, but I'm not stupid. I see the way you look at her."

Harry turned away from Remus, and struggled to get up. His legs ached from its prolonged position.

Remus remained crouched, staring at a spot on the wall. He was silent. Harry started to walk away from him when he asked quietly, "How do I look at her?"

At his professor's small, weak voice, Harry almost cried. He sounded like a child who just found out that everything he thought was real was only "make-believe".

Harry swallowed. His mouth was dry. "Like an orphan looking at a family," he said, not turning to look at him. "As if… as if you had nothing, and she could give you everything."

A silence passed between them. In all the time he had known Remus Lupin, Harry had never been more regretful.

"I'm going to lunch," Harry finally mumbled, and left the attic, and his professor crouched in the corner, still staring at the wall.


AN: I'm trying to put a new angle on R/T. I know it's a slow beginning for them, but there will be more! Please review to tell me what you think!