Chapter 3
The Pauses Say It Best
He hadn't found Remus in his room. Harry knew he could only be in one other place.
He peered tentatively into the library. His instincts had been right. Remus was sitting in an old armchair, huddled over a book. His brow was furrowed in concentration and his fingers lightly rubbed the worn edge of his patched jacket.
Harry, not completely sure of what he wanted to say, cleared his throat. "Professor?" His voice sounded dry and sandy.
Remus looked up at him. He did not speak for a moment, as if processing Harry's presence. Then, he gave a small smile. "Harry," he said, as he put aside his book and got up, "Is something wrong?"
Harry walked into the room slowly, determined not to seem afraid. He looked at his former professor. "No, not really. I mean…" He paused. "Yes. Something is wrong."
Remus did not speak, but tilted his head inquisitively.
"What I mean is…" Harry took a deep breath and straightened his posture. "That stuff I said to you earlier in the attic." As he started to say "I'm sorry", Remus quickly asserted, "Don't mention it."
Harry, somewhat frustrated, said loudly, "No, professor, I shouldn't have—" Lupin interrupted him. "No, Harry. You had every right to say what you did."
Harry shook his head. "No, but I didn't. It's none of my business whether there's something going on between you and Tonks." He blushed, but continued. "Really, I was just… trying to be an arse."
Remus started to say something, but stopped. He gestured Harry to sit in the opposite armchair. Harry did so, hesitatingly, and Remus sat in his former one. He conjured a pot of tea. "Tea?" he offered Harry. Harry shook his head, no.
After Remus poured himself a cup, and took a slow sip, he turned to look at Harry. He exhaled deeply.
"Harry, I don't want you to think I'm angry at you for anything you said in the attic because everything you said…" Lupin looked shamelessly in Harry's eyes, "is true."
Neither spoke. Harry did not know how to respond. He had not expected the aging professor to… well, profess all this to him. Denial, he was preparing himself for, excuses.
He had never talked about love before, or relationships, or all those people who wander around with glittering eyes. He had no idea what to say.
The silence had lasted a painfully long time. Lupin did not seem to mind it, but Harry did.
"Well," Harry started, "Well. That's alright," he said, as if reassuring the other man. He gave Remus a small smile, and a helpless shrug.
Remus seemed amused. "Oh really, then?" he said, with humor in his voice. "As I always say, better 'alright' than 'okay' or 'acceptable'. He gave Harry a grin.
Harry burst out laughing, realizing the ridiculousness of his statement. Remus soon joined him, and the two of them just laughed, gasping, nonsensical laughs.
Their laughter started to die down, and Harry took off his glasses to wipe the tears that had formed in his eyes. His stomach still hurt from laughing; a different kind of pain from the one that regularly resides in his stomach.
"I haven't seen you laugh in a while, Professor," he said, as he put his glasses back on.
Remus refilled his tea and raised his eyebrows. "I could say the same about you, Harry."
Harry grew quiet. He had spent weeks avoiding the subject he knew was coming. He thought he could sleep it off, lie it off. Just subdued himself day after day until he didn't even notice that weight in his stomach anymore.
It wasn't something he could explain, something he was doing consciously. Part of him liked it, because it brought everyone down with him, he knew. But really, most of him knew that if he stopped the naps and the lies… well, he would just break down.
And really, what bugged him about the whole thing, besides the stares, was that he couldn't imagine when the he could stop trying to "sleep it off". No one who's seen him in this condition would believe it, but every night, he goes to bed hoping that tomorrow would be different. When he wakes up, it is always the same. So he's in his own vicious cycle. He's too afraid to change anything, but nothing will change for him. He's afraid he won't have a future now.
Harry finally said softly, "That's right."
Lupin looked at him from the corners of his eyes. "Want to talk about it?"
"Yes," he said, "but I can't. I don't think… I know how."
Remus nodded beside him. "How are you, to start?"
"How am I?" Harry found the scope of the question incredible. "A lot of things. Confused. Which makes me frustrated. Empty, a lot. Hopeless." He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. This was the first time he had talked about Sirius' death. It was incredibly terrifying and relieving at the same time.
"You're not alone. A lot of us feel that way, I feel that way—"
"No," Harry interrupted forcefully. "No," he said again, "you don't understand. Nothing has made sense since… since he died. I just don't see… I don't understand why. He's gone, and there was no good reason for that." He could feel tears sliding down his cheeks. "I'm the reason." He started to grip the armrests of his chair so hard that he thought he could rip the upholstery right off. "And I'm not worth it. This isn't worth it."
"Harry," Remus said urgently, getting out of his seat. He grabbed Harry's shoulders. Harry tried to avoid his eyes but couldn't.
"Listen to me," he whispered, "You're not the reason Sirius died—"
He had heard this before too many times. Harry, who had never realized he felt these things, realized now as they poured out of his mouth.
"Stop, Lupin," he said bitterly, "You're just going to say that he died because he was doing his job, that he did it because he loved me. Well, that's my fault too. I asked too much of him."
Remus had not flinched at Harry's contemptuous tone. His grip on Harry loosened but his stern gaze on him didn't. "Love is not too much to ask for," he said softly.
Harry froze, but he didn't know why. He felt like he had encountered this moment in his dream, but that couldn't be, because he no longer dreamt. Then, he realized what it meant.
For the first time since Sirius died, he knew what he had to do. For the first time, he knew tomorrow would be different. And when he realized, he started to grin like crazy.
"Then tell her."
Remus blinked, unsure about what caused Harry's mood change. "What are you talking about?"
"Tonks," Harry stated, as if it were as clear as day. "You must tell Tonks you love her."
Remus let go of Harry completely, looking incredulously at him. "But I—"
"But you do."
Remus seemed overwhelmed. First, he stared at Harry, and then turned away, staring at the wall in deep concentration. Then, he simply got up and sat back into his armchair, refilling his teacup.
After he finally sipped his tea quietly in consideration, he turned to Harry.
"I can't," Remus said solemnly.
"Why not?" Harry could tell he sounded ridiculously frantic, on the verge of whining. But he had such a strong feeling about this, and he wasn't about to give up on Lupin now.
Remus sighed, closing his eyes and massaging the bridge of his nose. For the first time since he started talking to Harry, he seemed weary of him.
"She's… not like me, Harry. She's… happy and she doesn't feel that way about me. I have no place telling her… my feelings." He sounded as if he had made this argument thousands of times before. Each pause seemed practiced, but it didn't feel any less lonely.
Harry took a deep breath. "Professor," he started slowly, deliberately, "What I said in the attic this morning… I didn't just mean you. You're one of the most intelligent men I know and I can't believe you haven't realized by now." He looked at Remus earnestly.
"Realized?"
"She gives you the same look as you give her."
Remus seemed surprised and then enthralled by Harry's words. But that only lasted a moment. But then he shook his head, as if shaking himself out of a dream.
"She couldn't—it doesn't mean…" He turned away from Harry, and acted as if he were speaking to himself now. "I can't," he repeated, "It's impossible… it's hopeless."
Harry jumped up from his seat and Remus turned to him with a start. "It can't be impossible—it has to be possible. Look… Sirius is gone. That's the cruelest, most unfair thing that could've happened. But you… Professor Lupin, you've got this great gift and you can't just let that go without even trying. No one knows more about loneliness than me—" Remus started to protest, but Harry held up his hand. "And I know that it's an especially lonely world without love. And I know that if by some lucky chance, you find someone you love… you take that chance."
Remus didn't say anything, and Harry couldn't tell what he was feeling.
After a long silence, he added softly, "Please. I need something to believe in."
Remus looked at him, his elbow propped up on his chair and his hand obscuring his mouth. He seemed amazed by what he saw.
"Harry," he started, morosely. Harry flinched, afraid of his next words.
"When did you get so smart?" he finished, giving him a slight smile.
Harry gave a short, bark-like laugh. It reminded him of Sirius. "Always was," he said lightheartedly. "Hey," he added, tentatively, "If she says no… well, she'd be a real fool."
Remus nodded with a smile. "That's what I'm telling myself." He seemed lost in his own thoughts again, probably on how to approach Tonks, Harry speculated.
Sensing Remus' need for some time alone, Harry started toward the door quietly. Remus' voice stopped him.
"Harry?" he said. Harry turned around. "Thank you."
Harry gave a slight nod. "Just go be happy, Professor."
Remus gave a small laugh. Harry turned back, and continued walking toward the door. As he was about to exit, he heard Remus Lupin's voice again.
"Your parents and Sirius would be so proud."
Harry tried to blink the tears out of his eyes. "Thank you," he whispered, and left the professor to his thoughts.
AN: This is probably my quickest in-between chapters update ever, but I felt so guilty leaving everyone hanging for months after the first chapter. Thank you to everyone who didn't use that against me and still read and kindly reviewed the second chapter. (PS. Do the same for this one, please!) My goal is to get the next (and last) chapter up before HBP comes out, so be on the lookout!
And by the way, the line "It can't be impossible—it must be possible" is from the HBO film The Girl in the Café. I just liked it and put it in.
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