A/N: Let's go straight! Enjoy reading!
JOURNAL ENTRY 12: SHATTERED REFLECTION: IS THERE SOMETHING MISSING?
Naruto's apartment was just regular. It was really a room for just only one person. He immediately went straight to the kitchen, and I was left in the receiving area.
Typical for a boy, I thought. Messy room and unorganized things was classic to a boy, especially if his attention was on something he wants. I looked around his receiving area and tried to think of how will I arrange it. I decided to clean it up while Naruto was searching food in the kitchen.
"Subaru-chan, are you already hungry?" Naruto yelled.
"Ah… kind of. Why?" I replied.
"Ah…"
Naruto instantly ran to the receiving room. His eyes widened and jaws dropped. He was surprised on what I did to his receiving room. He then grabbed my hand and shook it as if my hands will be detached.
"I apologized if I arrange few of your things here without permission." I said.
"No! Thank you! I'm happy I got you here!" He exclaimed.
"You are…"
"I haven't clean up my place since I'm a Chuunin. I've working a lot of missions together with Kakashi-sensei and my team. So, I don't have enough time to do house cleaning."
Naruto smiled to me sincerely. His eyes were brightly sparking in delight and contentment. I was wondering why he was behaving like that. He got a high-spirited atmosphere, and here I was, thinking that living here in Konoha would be the near end of my life, eternally.
"Such… busy work." I suggested.
"Yeah. But it was fun! I can use my abilities as a ninja and also I can improve my jutsus and techniques!" Naruto was actually doing gestures. He was actually punching in the air.
"Naruto, what's good being a ninja?" I asked out of the blue.
"Hah? What do you mean? You're a ninja so, you know about that." He said.
"Ah… Naruto. I'm not a ninja."
"WHAT?"
"Yes, I'm not."
"Then, how you do that skills?"
I breathed deeply. I should not have asked about it. But, that question was hanging in my mind ever since Itachi told me that being a ninja was a fun, a choice and also, mind-numbing. And, now, here was a very young ninja telling me that being a ninja was fun without any hesitation in his tone or words. It was mind-boggling. I didn't know what was fun of setting these teenagers in missions that can cause their lives to end up, wastefully. This was ridiculous!
"It's my bloodline, Naruto. It was never thought to me. Just like Sharingan. Understood?" I explained.
"I still don't understand. Akatsuki only kidnap ninjas who are good enough to be their member. Then, why you are kidnapped?" Naruto asked.
"I just have the bloodline they want. That's all."
"But… you know how to throw kunai…"
"Yeah. Its because Itachi thought me how."
"Itachi?"
"Yeah…"
I tucked my chin to my chest. I felt incomplete again. I didn't know the reason why. I missed this guy. I truly missed Itachi. I knew this is insane. It was out of the human's capacity to understand what I was feeling at this moment. Whenever I say or hear his name, my heart pounded faster, my mind was creating his images, and my soul…
… Being alive…
"Itachi thought you? How?" Naruto asked. He was now gulping his ramen. He also gave me one. I was only sipping the soup of it, and decided to just eat the noodles later.
"Maybe the same way that Kakashi teaches you. I don't know. He just did."
"You are sure it was Itachi?"
"Yes. He is everywhere I go." My voice lowered. My tone was getting gloomy. Is this means I'm sad that I'm away from him?
"You are seems so sad. What's wrong?" Naruto asked. He sneaked his head to check out my facial expression.
"I don't know. All of the sudden, I just became sad."
"Hmm… the way Itachi treated you this afternoon. It was really unusual."
"What do you mean?"
"Itachi never really care. He was actually ruthless. He almost killed Sasuke twice. I know what I mean, right?" He was actually mumbling between his words because he was eating mouthful of ramen.
"You know Itachi?"
"Not really. He is famous here because he is S-rank criminal. He killed all the Uchiha clan to prove his strength. Then, leave Sasuke alive without clear reason. He almost killed Kakashi-sensei. Also, he also wanted the Kyuubi sealed in my body."
"You have the Kyuubi? I thought it was just a legend!"
"No, it's not. I can actually use the Kyuubi's charka in my jutsus."
"I see. Itachi killed his family to prove his strength… he never told me that."
"He never? That Itachi really wants to manipulate you."
"But why does he leave me here? I still don't understand."
Yes. I really don't understand. Itachi's behavior this afternoon was really unusual. He left me to three ninjas that I didn't even know, ninjas that consider him as their mortal enemy. But what was puzzling me was this feeling of loneliness, emptiness and incompleteness. I felt that I left the other half of my heart somewhere else. I felt so alone even though Naruto was keeping me safe and warm.
I slowly sipped and ate the ramen Naruto gave me. After we ate our little dinner, we went upstairs and try to get some sleep. He slept in the futon on the floor. He let me sleep in his bed. I saw a picture of his teacher and teammates. Such beautiful image… I asked myself If I ever felt that happy before.
Yes. I did. It was so crazy to say that during last month I felt happy with Itachi. Even though there were times that we always argue things out of Iyasu's trying-to-reach-me attitude, things that he wanted me to do and things I wanted to do. I was happy still. It was the brightest days in my life. It was a crazy idea. And, I let go a little giggle thinking of it. I was surprised when Naruto sat at the edge of the bed.
"Why?" I asked him.
"Uh… I don't know how to say this…" He was scratching his head in dawdling. "But… I think Itachi do really cares for you." Naruto said slowly.
I was speechless.
Itachi do cares. That was the most insane, densest and erratic idea I ever heard. He never really cares. He was actually a sadistic, abusive and…
I suddenly lost my words to describe him in negative way. For everything in him was so beautiful… his existence was wonderful.
But I should hate him. I have the right. He even didn't know me that well, and he kidnapped me. He, being an assassin, almost killed me in way I can't count. I even didn't know him at all. Everything I was thinking was so insensible. It was stupid.
I turned my back to Naruto. I was now staring at the window. The moonbeam was reflecting the light of the room's lampshade. I suddenly remembered Itachi's first time to kiss me…
… Signifies protection…
"How did you say so?" I asked him coldly.
"Well, he wouldn't leave you alone right? If you were his hostage, he already paralyzed you so you won't escape. He was never like that before. He also won't trust us in leaving you here."
"Plausible."
"And, you are sad."
"Huh?"
"I just know. I felt that way too before. I was also alone and discriminated before. People were avoiding me because of the Kyuubi inside me. But, that didn't let me down or lose hope. It actually gave me the strength to survive. And with my friends, I can go thru any challenges."
I smiled. He maybe didn't saw it, but I was happy on what he said.
"I guess… I'm not alone after all." I said.
"Yeah."
"Naruto… what is your biggest dream?"
"Of course! I want to be a Hokage!"
"Hokage?"
"Yes! I'll lead this country to better cause! Haha!"
"Heroic, indeed."
"How about you, Subaru?"
"Me?"
"Yeah…"
"I… just want to be… myself…"
"Huh?"
"I've been hiding away from myself. I always wanted to become something that I'm not. I always wanted things happened the way I wanted to. But, it's not what it seems. I've been crying every night, and dreaming the same dream that I know it will not happen. I've been a shattered glass. I always wanted to give up my life, but it seems so… so… wrong. I felt nothing is left for me in this world. I was in despair to make up all that happen to my past. All I just want is… to… be… loved… and I can love… and… to understand it…"
"I don't understand. It is too blurry."
"Yeah…"
"Well, you should get some sleep. Whatever you mean, you'll have your dreams. Dreams do come true if you don't lose hope, Subaru. I'll try to convince Kakashi-sensei to continue your training."
"Thanks."
Naruto lied down in the futon. I turned myself around again, and looked at Naruto's face. Such peaceful reflection I saw in his face. I'd like to have that kind of reflection. I was insecure because of my past, and here in front of me was a very young teenager who was so brave, yet we have almost the same past. I love his spirit. I let go a little laugh when he started snoring.
I looked at the ceiling and started again to contemplate. I was looking at the shattered reflection of myself. I was afraid to pick up the pieces of my heart for I know they'll be crushed over and over again. I was afraid to face reality, face my fear… and even… face the weak side of myself.
I talked to Naruto liked I never talked to anyone else like this. But, Naruto and Itachi knew things that I don't know. I was blinding myself to myself. I was afraid to look at that shattered reflection, because I was thinking it was not mine. But the truth, that reflection, that bleeding heart, that girl who wanted to escape was really I.
And, that's what I saw from Naruto. Hope and Courage. I never had those things before. I was coward, a born quitter, pessimistic and a great pretender. Deep down this beautiful angel lies…
… A fallen angel with broken wings…
I slowly closed my eyes and whispered the name of the person I was missing…
… Itachi…
A/N: Ah… Chapter 12! Finally… I'd updated it the way I planned it to be. Thanks to those who reviewed and read the last chapter. Naruto's a great listener, eh? Anyway, I hope you like it. Before leaving, please don't forget to leave a review. Would that be fine? Thanks for reading and I'm out of here. Have a nice day everyone! See you all at the next chapter!
