Disclaimer: Me… don't own Naruto… -sighs-
A/N: Uh… Alert! I need your help! I need this as a survey,
so after you read this chapter I would like to know your opinions.
Would you like to have a special chapter where it was Itachi who is
speaking? It's like, he was telling his feelings and confusions…
somewhat like that. If you want to, please include it in your review.
Now, back to the story.
JOURNAL ENTRY 14:
THE CHOICE OF THE LIFETIME: THE ULTIMATE DISCOVERY
"… We received a threat from Akatsuki…"
My knees were trembling. My hands placed on my chest. I felt the heartbeat from the visceral inside of my body. I felt the temperature increasing in my whole being. As my mind started to swirl around the depths of my inner confusion, here it comes again.
Tsunade's last words still was deafening my mind. It was still ringing my ears and slowly sinking into my skin. I suddenly looked up to the sun. It was blinding my ears, and I want to take away the sun… I started hearing whispers and voices around me. I was acting like a paranoid. My doubts were starting to take over me and inject it's way again.
"People, silence!" Tsunade yelled. "I just received last night a letter from the Akatsuki."
"A letter?" Sakura asked.
"Keep silent, Sakura." Sasuke suggested.
"…It was written in this letter that they'll be taking over Konoha and the Sand country after three weeks." Tsunade said.
"And, what do they want?" Ebisu yelled.
Tsunade's eyes suddenly shifted its direction to me. Her eyes were trembling in great fear and anxiety. I suddenly found myself bowing down into such guilt and sorrow. The other ninjas followed Tsunade's eyes. Everyone was now looking at me, with questions in their mind, confusions and maybe doubts. I didn't know what to think. I was looking both sideways. I was afraid to meet their eyes. I felt several people, not knowing anything, are questioning me.
"I knew it!" Kurenai said. "… They wanted your dear student back." She faced Anko with a brilliant but worried smile.
Anko, on the other hand, was not minding what her friend Kurenai was saying. She was looking at me. Her eyes questioning herself on what she'll do if Akatsuki would attack Konoha right now?
"Everyone, we should prepare and immediately warn our citizens. In a meanwhile, I would like to talk to Hatake Kakashi and Mitarashi Anko." Tsunade said.
----------+----------
I was sitting beside Sakura. But my mind was not on my situation; it was focusing on Itachi's situation.
There was never a night I wouldn't think and wonder how he was doing. After what happen to the park, my night had been so sleepless. I can't even take my mind out of him. He was everywhere that I go, I dream, I think and I see. It was such insanity and beautiful thing to say. I was starting to contemplate how did Akatsuki accepted that they lost me, and how did Itachi deal with them. I knew that Itachi was an intelligent and tricky ninja, but I really had a bad feeling about this.
I was thinking of leaving Konoha this evening. I didn't want another war or massacre to happen in front of me. I was a born coward, and forever I will run away from troubles. All the troubles that this people now encountering was all because of me. My mind was teasing me to cut off any communication or relation to them. My other personality wanted to take over again, to reject this feeling. But I can't escape anymore… this was real...
… And reality can hurt so badly…
"Neh! Are you alright?"
I saw Naruto's eyes meeting mine. His bright big eyes were shining. He was worried. The last time I saw his eyes like this was when we were talking about my uncertainties about Konoha and myself.
Kakashi and Anko were inside Tsunade's office. I was so much nervous about what they are talking about. I was getting confused on all the things that were happening around me. Settling and staying at Konoha would be the nicest thing I could do, but now…
… I brought trouble…
… I was guilty.
We were waiting for this two Jounin to come out of the office. Sasuke was keep on walking to and fro in the corridor. Sakura was leaning against the wall, and Naruto sitting beside me. My hands were shaking, and my whole body was trembling. I didn't know why I was at this state. I didn't know the feelings either. It was mixed-up. I didn't know if I was afraid, scared, confused, or nervous.
And now, this was the biggest mistake I ever made. Not going with Akatsuki or abandoning my family customs, this was this! I put a millions of citizens in a possible war! I was the reason, and whatever the result of the meeting was…
… I'll stay away from Konoha and shall never dip people into trouble again…
All my life, I never had a friend or a close acquaintance not being into trouble. They either lost or died. This was what I brought to everyone. I brought it once in my family, and now…
… At my hometown, then…
… To the people I cherish and…
… The one person who save me…
My eyes were about to be flooded by the tears… those tears that show how vulnerable and weak I was. I was running… running away to face the things… the consequences of changing the pace and face of time… the destiny had come to engulf me to shut me up.
The experiences I had with those 12 Chuunins were going to be just a dream. It will never last long. This was not my real world, and I didn't deserve it. Being in the darkness was my liar. I didn't have to fight; it was already my identity. My eyes were about to spill out tears when the door opened.
I looked at Kakashi and Anko. I was not looking at their faces, but I was just staring at their feet. I was ashamed to look straight to them. Anko sat beside me gently. I stared at her sideways. I was thinking twice to ask her what's wrong but Sasuke was the one who confidently asked.
"Kakashi-sensei, what happened?" Sasuke asked.
"I'll tell you later. For a while, we have to leave Anko and Subaru alone." Kakashi answered with his tone of assurance.
"But… we can't leave her here! I don't want to!" Naruto yelled.
"Stupid! You don't understand, didn't you?" Sasuke answered.
"Don't call me stupid, Uchiha!"
Naruto suddenly grabbed Sasuke by his neck. The teen was really intense. He was expressing extreme emotions that bring out the best of him, and something the ones that could put him into trouble.
"Stop! Just please… go with Kakashi now." I said.
"Subaru-chan…" Naruto said.
"You have to go now! And, that's your sensei's order. I don't want any trouble now… so just go away!" I yelled.
I submerged my face in my hands. I was sobbing. My mind and heart was bursting. Intense emotions and doubts swirling around my whole being… I can't handle them. I didn't want to yell at Naruto, but I was so much confused and guilty on the things that were happening in Konoha… in my life! This was so much unacceptable than what happen to my family. I didn't want to lose any of these persons surrounding me. Naruto… Sasuke… Sakura… Kakashi… Anko… and all the people in Konoha have changed my life. And, I would go really insane if one of them ever…
… Die…
Silence covered the place… a type of silence that was demonstrating anguish, melancholy, and fretfulness. All I heard was their breathing… lapses of breathing. I knew they were not expecting what I just did. But, enough is enough! I want to stop this now… and this to end…
"Naruto, Sakura, Sasuke… let's go." Kakashi said.
I slowly held my head up high. I saw Naruto in front me. My vision was blurry. My tears were covering my sight. His bright blue eyes were staring at me in soft way. He slowly put his hand on my head, patted it like he was patting a dog.
"I'm not angry. I'll protect you, and that's a promise." Naruto pledged.
He gave me the brightest and most beautiful smile I ever seen in him. My eyes widened. I was surprised. Those words were familiar to me… words reminded of someone I was longing for caress, to see…
… Itachi…
I slowly bowed down and tears slowly welled up at my eyes. I slowly remembered Itachi's promise. And, I will never see him to do that promise to me.
"You don't know what you are saying… Naruto…" I whispered.
"I know what I'm saying, and I won't break my promise. That's my way of being a ninja."
They slowly went away. But before they leave, Sasuke whispered something to my ears.
"If my brother ever hurt you, it's me who will face him. I promise."
I stared at the blank space, with an unknown feeling. I didn't know what to say. He hated his brother so much. I wanted to protest but I have no right. After all, Itachi was Sasuke's brother. Sasuke had the right to kill his brother.
"Stop it… you don't have to do this." I kept on whispering those words a hundred times.
----------+----------
We were inside Tsunade's office. I was staring at the blank space of the walls. My heart was aching, and my mind was confused. Here it goes again, the delusions in my mind were starting to be activated again. I hated this… I hate myself!
I was sitting at the right side of the desk. I was facing Anko. I was staring at her in very doubtful way. This feeling was nothing more than just a cycle… a repetition… I guess I'll never get away from this.
"I'm here to talk to you, personally." Tsunade said.
I was not answering her questions. I didn't know how to answer her questions.
"Subaru… I have to ask you first one thing. This might get personal, but… do you have any intimate relationship with Uchiha Itachi?"
"No." I said coldly.
"Good. This second question will surely get into your nerves."
"Then, throw it to me."
Before Tsunade asked me question, she swallowed. I can tell it from her face that she was afraid, and at the same time, worried.
"Do you know anything about the forbidden jutsu of your family?"
My body started to shiver again. The forbidden jutsu? My father taught me about that and I knew how dangerous it could get be. I faced Tsunade with sharp eyes.
"Now, just tell me why?" I said stridently.
"Because… one of the ninja spies I send to Akatsuki reported me that the leader was practicing a forbidden jutsu that was invented by Ichikawa family. I didn't understand it. But, if my memory still remembered it clearly, it was forbidden because of its ultimate sacrifice. Am I right?"
"Yes…"
This meant that Makoto was practicing the jutsu for a long time already! And, who could be the sacrifice? It should be a strong and talented ninja, or else… you'll be engulfed by the jutsu itself. I was already thinking who might be…
"Tsunade-sama… can I ask who is the sacrifice?" I asked with my voice trembling.
"It's Kisame and his geisha… Yuki."
I sighed. I almost thought it was Itachi. Kisame and Yuki… why them? Questions suddenly popped up in my mind.
"Tsunade-sama… I know there's more you want to know."
"Yes. Tell me about this forbidden jutsu."
"If it was someone from Ichikawa will perform the said jutsu, there's no need of sacrifice. It only needed a sacrifice if it will be perform by an ordinary ninja. This jutsu can channel your mind to other people's mind. It can be a whole army or a whole country. Then, it's up to the one who's performing it what to do. But…"
"But…"
"But there's something more. The one who performs the jutsu can destroy one's brain and his whole body functions according to his will."
Tsunade sighed. I knew this could be difficult for her. As a Hokage, she should know what to do. But now, she was clueless about it.
"But… Tsunade-sama…" I said.
"Yes, Subaru?"
I was thinking twice if I'm going to tell her the reverse of that forbidden jutsu. My family taught me how to do it but there'll be sacrifices.
"I know how to reverse the jutsu…"
Tsunade and Anko looked at me eagerly. I just breathed deeply. I was regretting to be a part of a family that is full of sacrifices and mysteries. I was helpless and all I can do is to help Konoha about it. I brought Konoha to this, so I'll end it.
"How?" Anko said.
"By doing the reverse of its seals, and then combining it to my fifth ability."
"Which is…"
"Psychic ability…"
Anko was surprised, so as Tsunade. I was afraid to use my fifth ability because it always eat ups my mind. If my fifth ability wasn't used properly, the user will turn insane. That's what I was afraid of. I can even kill anyone without acknowledge… without myself, knowing it. If one's emotions were unstable, this ability will not be used properly. In my today's situation… I was so much unstable.
"Then… I don't have any choice… you have to pick up a choice… Surrender to Akatsuki, or you'll fight with us to protect Konoha…" Tsunade suggested.
I was shut. This was the one I've been waiting for. I have two choices, either to fight Itachi, or be with Itachi. But, which will I choose? My destiny was on its way to either regret, or victory. I didn't want to leave Konoha behind and forever be perished. It'll be my entire misery if that happen. At the same time, I didn't want to fight Itachi.
I just realized how much I love this ninja. I didn't know why or how. But, I love him more than I love myself. I didn't care what he was, what he have done… as long as he was fine… I didn't want to fight him…
Vulnerability and mystification was taking over my soul. I didn't know what to do.
"I'll give you one week to decide. I hope you'll pick the right one… you deserve better than this…" Tsunade said.
Do I really deserve to be torn between two responsibilities?
I love Konoha… the people around it despite what they have done to my family…
I love Itachi… even though it seems so hopeless to be with him…
What shall I do?
A/N: Such long time to update this. I hope you like this. I really have the hard time about it. Do you want to know Itachi's feelings? Then, if you want just tell me through your reviews, and right away… I will make a special chapter. Thanks for reading and don't forget to leave a review. This is all for now. I'm out of here. Have a nice day!
