Disclaimer: I own a copy of 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' and 'Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator', and, when it comes out, I'll get the 'Charlie and the Chocolate Factory' DVD, but that's it. I don't own the rights to it, since I think most of them belong to Roald Dahl's relatives and a candy company that makes sugary sweets.
One of the passages of this book is taken out of Roald Dahl's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory". At the end of the passage I'll footnote it so that the real author can be credited. I don't own it. Those aren't my words.
BTW, I would just like to say...wow. When I posted the first chapter to this story, I did not expect that, later that day, I would find my Email inbox flooded with reviews. Seventeen reviews for a single chapter...that's gotta be a personal best. Originally, this was going to be a one-shot, but now, I'm going to extend it. I've already got some plans for the next few chapters. Anyway, here are the review responses:
R. Joy Helvie: Nah, I came up with the 'Stayin' Alive' idea by myself. But I'd like to see the link to that video...scary how people get the same ideas out of Wonka .
Wicked Seraphina: Believe me, it was really hard trying to figure out the stuff going on in Wonka's head. He's just so...Wonka, I guess (I suck at vocabulary). And I can totally see Wonka as a major Bee Gees fan..it suits him, for some odd reason.
TheHomicidalManiac777: Glad you liked it! I never expected so many people to think that this was so funny.
Obscuras Lupa: Thank you! All these nice compliments...you're making me blush!
graceofnight: I can only imagine how someone like Willy Wonka would react to the wine and the Barry White. Goodness knows I'd run away screaming, too.
Super Lizard: Well, I hope you do C-2 it! Please?
xxbutterflypunkbellexx: Monty Python is awesome. I saw 'And Now For Something Completely Different' recently and I laughed like a madwoman. They're all geniuses.
Dollhousesareforwhimps: Poor Willy Wonka. I can't see him being comfortable near Ms. Beauregard ever again. Not after that whole 'endorphins' thing.
Veruca: I don't know if I'll do another CatCF fic quite yet, but I will be continuing this one (as though you couldn't tell already). And I can't wait to see 'Corpse Bride'. Johnny Depp AND Helena Bonham Carter in the same movie...again...ought to be awesome.
Lauryn-Elsa: When I started writing this, I realized that Wonka never, ever refers to the kids by their real names (except Mike Teavee, once, and Charlie at the end of the film). I figured a guy like him would be like 'Okay, who should I pick, Little Boy #1, Little Girl #2, or the Brat Who Broke the System?'
snufflesgal: Thank you! Believe me, it is not easy trying to write Wonka. He's always trying to run away from you, screeching 'I don't wanna be in a fanfiction!', and you have to keep lassoing him back so that you can finish.
Jessedandle: Don't worry, I'm writing more! I already got some good ideas...
Tim Fortune: Why, thank you. I curtsy in your general direction.
VeganHippie: Sure, I'll continue! And as to what really happened...let's just say Ms. Beauregard wanted Wonka for more than just his chocolate...
Erin: Well, I'm glad you like it so much!
no one: Don't worry, your needed dose of Wonka will be provided via IV.
Cap'n Meg: Aw, go ahead and hug him. He needs it. Badly.
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A big thumb up to anyone who catches all my weird little references.
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A good number of Oompa Loompas were gathered outside the door to Willy Wonka's office, chattering nervously about their employer's eccentric behavior (well, more eccentric than usual, in any case). Some of the Oompa Loompas had reported a rather nervous-looking Willy Wonka stepping out of the glass elevator, muttering shakily about cranberry juice. Although the Oompa Loompas tried to ask him what was wrong, Wonka just kept shaking his head, saying something about "the blue one". After that, he locked himself in his office.
The Oompa Loompas wondered anxiously what they could do. They had knocked at the door several times already, and had gotten no response. They had tried putting candy near the door so that the chocolaty smell might lure him out, but to no avail. They had tried to lure him out with some entertainment by performing a disco remix of 'Yellow Submarine'. They had even pretended that a whangdoodle was attacking the factory, but even that didn't work.
Finally, one of the more courageous Oompa Loompas did the only sensible thing left: he put his hand on the doorknob, turned it, and walked inside.
Peering around, he saw nothing out of the ordinary, except that there was no sign of Willy Wonka at all. As he continued to wander around the room, he noticed an odd, high-pitched screaming noise, followed by some bangs and scraping noises. The Oompa Loompa followed the noise, figuring that whatever the noise was, that must be where Willy Wonka was hiding.
Eventually, he found his employer, huddled into a tiny lavender armchair in front of a TV screen. Around him lay several plastic cups and some empty bottles of cranberry juice (which was odd, since the Oompa Loompa couldn't recall ever seeing Wonka drink cranberry juice before). It seemed to the Oompa Loompa that Wonka had randomly chosen a channel playing some sort of violent film, since the TV screen was displaying images of a teenage boy being sucked into his mattress right before his guts were spewed all over the ceiling. The Oompa Loompa let out a small noise conveying his disgust.
"Don't knock it if you haven't tried it." Wonka replied from his armchair. The Oompa Loompa noticed that he looked jumpier than usual, but seemed fine otherwise. The Oompa Loompa shot him a disapproving glare, while Wonka just stared back.
"Whaat?"
The Oompa Loompa gestured towards the cranberry juice containers and the TV screen, one eyebrow raised. Wonka pouted. "I'm just not feeling very well, that's all. Don't look at me like that." The Oompa Loompa continued with his disapproving look. "Stop it!" The Oompa Loompa didn't waver. "Hey, don't you use that tone of voice with me!" The Oompa Loompa didn't budge.
Wonka sighed. "Fine. Be that way." He got out of the armchair and switched off the TV, then shot the Oompa Loompa and unhappy, pouting look. The Oompa Loompa grinned triumphantly.
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A half-hour later, Wonka was back to his somewhat-normal self, cheerily managing the chocolate factory as usual, with all thoughts of Ms. Beauregard long forgotten.
However, one thought did plague him, and that was: who on earth was going to become his heir? Charlie had turned him down, and all the other children were too much trouble to take on. Despairing, he turned to his Oompa Loompa psychiatrist for answers during his weekly appointment that day.
"This is all so...weird. What if I get old and wrinkly and pruny and arthritic and OLD and I still don't have anyone to take over the factory!"
The Oompa Loompa psychiatrist nodded his head and took down some notes. Willy Wonka had begun to notice that, during his weekly appointments, all he ever seemed to do was nod and take notes. He also had the deep suspicion that he wasn't even taking notes, and that if he should ever peer into his notebook, he would find an odd assortment of doodles. Despite his suspicions, though, he kept talking.
"I mean, what options do I have? I mean, it's not like I could invent my way out of this one."
And then an idea popped into his head.
"Invent..."
The gears in Willy Wonka's head began turning, and his eyes widened as a plan was devised in his head. "If I could invent a machine that would make me an heir, then I wouldn't have to go out and find little children! No more squirrels! No more blueberries! No more shrunken little boys! No Augustus-flavored gloop! And, best of all, no Barry White!" He giggled insanely at the thought.
And with a delighted shriek, Willy Wonka leapt up and ran off to invent the machine that would provide him with an heir.
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For the next several days, the Oompa Loompas built Wonka's new machine, a large, extraordinary thing that was placed in the Inventing Room, right next to the Everlasting Gobstoppers. Wonka drew large-scale blueprints that he kept with him wherever he went, and he would check them whenever he got the chance. The Oompa Loompas were curious as to what it was, exactly, that they were building, but they knew Wonka wanted to show them in the most dramatic fashion possible. So they waited.
Finally, after a long wait and many hours of construction, Wonka invited the Oompa Loompas into the Inventing Room, smiling like mad and giggling every few seconds. The Oompa Loompas filed in calmly, but inside they were eagerly anticipating whatever it was that Wonka was going to show them.
A large purple cloth covered the machine, obscuring it from view. The Oompa Loompas thought the cloth was a little unnecessary, since they had been the ones who built the machine it was covering. But Wonka had a taste for the theatrical, so the cloth remained.
"Ladies, gentlemen, children of all ages, along with some adolescents, pets that got brought along for fun, and a few flies swarming around the room! I present to you all, the one, the only: Wonka Cloning Machine!"
The Oompa Loompas murmured amongst themselves as the machine that they had all been working on was dramatically revealed. Wonka yanked the cloth away to display a large, chrome, chamber-like thingamajig.
"Y'see, I figured, you know, rather than have icky little children wandering around the factory, I'd just get myself an heir by making a copy of myself! Now, I won't even need to train my heir, or tell him what to do or anything! And I'll make him a wee-ee-ee bit younger, so that he'll still be around once I'm gone!" Wonka smiled from ear to ear at the Oompa Loompas, very obviously pleased with himself.
The Oompa Loompas chattered among themselves, excited by the prospect of the copying machine. Granted, it wasn't the most ingenious thing Wonka'd ever made...or the most ludicrous...but it was still interesting, nonetheless. Already, they began making plans to have one of the Oompa Loompas 'accidentally' turn the machine on and make hundreds of little Oompa Loompa copies. That would surely ease their workloads. Plus, they'd finally have enough chorus members to put on '42nd Street'!
Wonka seemed quite pleased by all the excited chatter, and his grin seemed to grow wider. He giggled a little, and when the Oompa Loompas had quieted down, he began to speak again. "And now for the final test! I've already tried using this machine on rocks, chocolate, cotton-candy sheep, a snozzwanger, and a few pieces of lint I found in my pockets this morning. And it worked, every single time! So now, with you all as my witnesses, I, Willy Wonka, will make a copy of myself!"
He treaded his way over to the chrome thingamajig, while the Oompa Loompas followed him carefully. The chrome thingamajig seemed to be mainly made up of two large chamber things, with a great mass of wires running between the two. To top it all off, a small electrical cord was plugged into the wall, making the thing seem slightly absurd.
"Y'see, this is how it works: if somebody or something is put into chamber number 1 (I've nicknamed it Simon) after the controls have been set, then a copy of that person will appear in chamber number 2 (which I've nicknamed Garfunkel)."
The Oompa Loompas stared at Simon and Garfunkel, musing over the absurdity of all of this. But, then again, they were used to it. Almost to heighten the silliness of it all, the song 'Mrs. Robinson' was playing on a nearby stereo.
"And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson!
Jesus loves you more than you will know.
Woah, woah, woah..."
"By the way, just so you all know..." Wonka shot a knowing smile at some of the more mischievous Oompa Loompas. "The cloning machine will only work if the password is given in my own voice, so that means no one can use it but me." The Oompa Loompas laughed internally as they switched on their hidden tape recorders.
Wonka turned to the chrome thingamajig gave it the password it needed. "Open the pod bay doors, HAL." The doors to Simon opened smoothly. Wonka giggled. "I've always wanted to say that."
He stepped inside briskly, waved to the Oompa Loompas, and with the push of a button, the doors closed. A hissing noise emanated from Simon, and purple, lavender-scented smoke poured out. Garfunkel began flashing bright beams of light, and 'Mrs. Robinson' was drowned out by an odd whirring noise coming out of both parts of the machine.
After a few seconds, it stopped, and an odd "Ping!" noise was heard as Wonka stepped out of Simon's doors.
"Well? Did it work?"
Wonka glanced over at Garfunkel, which was still closed, although there did seem to be some sort of movement from within. Every few seconds, a hint of a giggle could be heard coming from Garfunkel, and Wonka and the Oompa Loompas watched with rapt attention, wondering if the machine would actually pull this off.
After several seconds of impatient waiting, the smoke cleared, and Garfunkel's doors opened, and a little man stepped out.
And what an extraordinary little man he was!
He had a black top hat on his head.
He wore a tail coat made of a beautiful plum-colored velvet.
His trousers were bottle green.
His gloves were pearly gray.
And in one hand he carried a fine gold-topped walking cane.
Covering his chin, there was a small neat pointed black beard—a goatee. And his eyes—his eyes were most marvelously bright. They seemed to be sparkling and twinkling at you all the time. The whole face, in fact, was alight with fun and laughter. 1
Wonka stared at him curiously, and watched as the little man skipped his way over to the Oompa Loompas and greeted them cheerfully. "Hello! How are you! I'm fine! What're your names! Where do you live! What a lovely place you have here!"
The Oompa Loompas stared back at him blankly, then glanced over at Willy Wonka for some hint of what to do. Willy Wonka, however, was just as confused as they were. The little man noticed the Oompa Loompas' glances, then spotted Willy Wonka and skipped over to him.
"Hello, hello, hello!"
Wonka giggled nervously, feeling somewhat awkward. "Erm...hi!"
The little man grabbed Willy Wonka's hand before he could say any more, and began shaking it fiercely, to the point where Wonka thought he was going to pump his arm off. "Delighted! Charmed! Overjoyed to meet you! Enchanted! Enraptured! I shake you warmly by the hand!"
"...I can see that."
The little man let go of Wonka's arm and beamed up at him brightly, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Well, well, well, so nice to meet you! How do you do! Who are you and what am I doing here!"
Wonka blinked. "Erm...you're in my chocolate factory..." Wonka giggled nervously again, knowing full well that this man couldn't possibly be a copy of him. "Erm...who are you?"
"The name's Willy Wonka! And, what do you know, I have a chocolate factory, too! Small world, isn't it?"
Wonka blinked. "Wait a minute...you can't be Willy Wonka."
"Of course I am!"
"No, because I'm Willy Wonka."
The little man frowned slightly. "No you're not! You don't even look like me!"
"And you look nothing like me."
The Oompa Loompas remained quiet, hoping that they wouldn't get involved in this whole mess. But they did wonder: who was this little man claiming to be Willy Wonka? Little did anyone know, as the two taller men squabbled, that Depp!Wonka had just met Book!Wonka.
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1 Everything from the line "And what and extraordinary little man he was!" to "The whole face, in fact, was alight with fun and laughter" is directly out of "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" by Roald Dahl. They're not my words; I don't own 'em.
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