Disclaimer/And we'll love again/We'll laugh again/We'll cry again/And we'll dance again/And it's better off this way, so much better off this way/I can't clean the blood off my sheets and my bed/

I don't own any of the Wonkas, any of my random little references, or the previous sentence.

--------------------------------------------

"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"

Depp!Wonka and Book!Wonka had been arguing for what seemed to have been at least an hour. At first, the Oompa Loompas had been at least somewhat interested, but now they were simply bored out of their minds. Off to one side, a large group of the Oompa Loompas was playing Texas Hold'em, while the rest were in the middle of a heated debate over whether 'West Side Story' was really 'West Side Story' without any of the finger-snapping.

"Are not!"
"Am too!"
"Are not!"
"Am too!"

Some other Oompa Loompas were taking bets as to how long it would take for the two Wonkas to stop arguing. So far, about 500 pounds of cacao beans were in the pot.

"Are not!"
"Am too!"

"Are not!"
"Am too!"

Finally, Depp!Wonka broke the monotony, folding his arms theatrically and speaking in (what he thought was) an imperious voice.

"Alright, then. If you're really Willy Wonka, then what is the best way to mix chocolate?"
"By waterfall, of course!"
"And what is the most fearsome creature in Loompaland?"
"The wicked whangdoodle!"
"What is the only word Vermicious Knids know how to spell?"
"Scram!"
"Aaand…" Depp!Wonka paused dramatically. "How many fingers have I got behind my back?" At this point, Depp!Wonka held his left hand behind his back while his right hand twirled his walking stick.

Book!Wonka looked somewhat amused, as though this were an easy question. "Why, five, of course! Five fingers for every one hand! Isn't that usually the case?"

Depp!Wonka blinked, then pouted a little. "Maybe you really are me." He blinked again. "But in that case, who on earth am I?"

He shook his head, trying to rid himself of that particular thought. That was too confusing, even for him.

--------------------------------------------

About an hour later, Depp!Wonka and Book!Wonka were riding the pink candy boat down the chocolate river, and they seemed to be having a fairly good time. It seemed that they had more in common than they had originally thought, though that was probably to be expected, anyway. Anyhow, they were sailing along and seemed to be getting along almost swimmingly.

"So, anyway, I gave some of the Fizzy Lifting Drink to an old worker once in the back yard and he went up and up and up and disappeared. I stood there shouting, 'Burp, you silly ass, burp, or you'll never come down again!' But he didn't or couldn't or wouldn't. I don't know which." Depp!Wonka paused. "He must be on the moon by now." 1

Book!Wonka laughed heartily. "Wouldn't you know, I had something very similar happen to me this one time…"

But Book!Wonka didn't have time to finish his sentence, because it was at that point that several Oompa Loompas stood on the banks of the chocolate river, waving their arms frantically. Depp!Wonka frowned slightly.

"Hmm…I wonder what's wrong?"

The Oompa Loompas rowing the boat stopped rowing, curious to hear what their brethren seemed so worried about. Book!Wonka seemed curious as well, watching carefully as the Oompa Loompas communicated with Depp!Wonka using a series of complicated hand gestures. Oddly enough, Depp!Wonka continually nodded his head, as though he could make perfect sense of everything they were saying.

"Uh-huh….uh-huh…you did what!"

Depp!Wonka turned to the Oompa Loompas rowing the boat. "Turn this boat around, we need to get back to Simon and Garfunkel." The Oompa Loompas nodded and obediently did so.

Depp!Wonka sat back down in his seat, looking a little harried. Book!Wonka frowned. "What on earth was that all about?"

Depp!Wonka shook his head, clearly stressing out. "They've been messing around in the Inventing Room again…"

Book!Wonka would have inquired further, but at that moment, the pink candy boat crashed into an ice popsicle-berg, and the bottom of the boat began filling up with chocolate.

Depp!Wonka sighed. "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

--------------------------------------------

When the two Wonkas arrived at the Inventing Room, Depp!Wonka seemed relieved when he saw Simon and Garfunkel's familiar chambers. Granted, there was some smoke wafting through the room (and, man, did it reek), but otherwise, the room seemed intact.

Book!Wonka wrinkled his nose at the smell. "What happened in here?"

"My workers messed around with Simon and Garfunkel."

Book!Wonka blinked, then shrugged as though this were completely normal.

Deep!Wonka, meanwhile, was examining Simon and Garfunkel fervently to ensure that everything was alright. Once he realized that they were, he sighed in relief, then turned to the Oompa Loompas, trying to smile in a sweet, saccharine manner. The Oompa Loompas shrunk back a little, not sure what to expect.

"Now, I know it must have been very tempting to mess around with Simon and Garfunkel, and that's okay. We all have our little moments of weakness now and then, like when I design plans to burn down Hershey Park, or when I throw darts at pictures of the Cadbury Bunny. Everybody does it, you know. So I just want to know: what happened here?"

The Oompa Loompas looked at each other sheepishly, then pointed towards the other side of the room, where a closed broom closet lay. Depp!Wonka raised one eyebrow suspiciously, then made his way over to it, with Book!Wonka following closely behind him.

Cautiously, Depp!Wonka opened the door and peered inside, and inside he was greeted by dozens of miniature people. One of them looked straight up at Book!Wonka and gave an enormous grin, then waved. His skin was rosy-white, his long hair was golden-brown, and the top of his head came just above the height of Book!Wonka's knee. He wore the usual deerskin slung over his shoulder. 1

Book!Wonka gave a cry of excitement. "Oompa Loompas!"

Depp!Wonka shook his head. "Yes, but who are they?"

Book!Wonka stared at him as though he were speaking a different language. "Why, they're Oompa Loompas, of course!" He turned to the one at the front, whom Depp!Wonka could only assume was the leader. "Hallo there! And what are all you doing here?" The leader responded in a language that Depp!Wonka couldn't even begin to understand. Confused, Depp!Wonka turned to his own Oompa Loompas, who responded with a hand signal which, roughly translated, means "WTF?"

Depp!Wonka, agreeing fully with his Oompa Loompas, responded by asking them, "How many clones did you try to make?"

The Oompa Loompas made a hand signal which, when translated, roughly means "A gazillion bajillion."

Book!Wonka skipped merrily up to Depp!Wonka, asking him happily, "My dear old fish, why didn't you tell me you had Oompa Loompas?"

Depp!Wonka frowned. "Of course I do, they're right here." He pointed to the group of Oompa Loompas in front of him. Book!Wonka frowned in response. "No…I mean my pale little friends from the broom closet. He pointed to the Oompa Loompas who had followed him and were staring at Depp!Wonka mischieviously.

Depp!Wonka, rather than replying, looked over at Simon and Garfunkel, thinking to himself. "Huh…"

"What? What is it?"

Depp!Wonka turned to Book!Wonka and asked, "You say that you're Willy Wonka, right?"

"Yes!"

"And that those are Oompa Loompas?"

"Yes!"

"Huh…" Depp!Wonka stared at Simon and Garfunkel. "Maybe they really do work…sorta…" A smile broke out on his face. "Neat-o!"

Meanwhile, the Depp!Oompa Loompas had just learned that the Book!Oompa Loompas could do a mean kick-line. This led to a deep, everlasting bond of friendship.

Book!Wonka was confused. "What's going on here, old fish?"

Depp!Wonka pointed to Simon and Garfunkel. "That's my cloning machine. That's where you came from, my goateed little friend."

"Aha…but why'd you make a cloning machine? Why not make something more useful, like chocolate that really does melt in your mouth and not in your hand?"

"Well, y'see, I'm getting just a teensy bit older, and I need an heir, so I though I could make a younger clone of myself to take over the factory."

Book!Wonka let out a small cry of excitement. "Wouldn't you know, I was having the exact same problem! Y'see, what I'm going to do is send out five golden tickets, hidden in five Wonka bars…"

Depp!Wonka shook his head. "It won't work. Trust me."

Book!Wonka looked crestfallen. "Oh…"

"Anyway, what I'm thinking is, maybe this thing really does sorta kinda work, except not really." Depp!Wonka began pushing some buttons and throwing some levers as Book!Wonka looked. "I wanna try this again. This is so neat-o!" Depp!Wonka issued his password, and Simon's doors slid open.

Book!Wonka held the doors open just as they were about to close. "Hold on there, I want to try too! I need an heir as well, so why not kill two birds with one kidney stone?"

Depp!Wonka shrugged. "If you insist."

And with that, Simon's doors slid shut. The Oompa Loompas watched carefully as, once again, their employers went through a mind-boggling experience that involved many flashing lights, explosive noises, pastel-colored chemicals, and a tiny machine that went 'bing!'

After abut twenty seconds, the two Wonkas walked out of Simon's open doors, asking loudly, "Well did it work?"

As the smoke cleared, Garfunkel's doors opened and the two Wonkas peered into its chamber to see what it contained.

They were surprised at what they saw. On the one side stood a man in a purple outfit, a small flute in his hand. He seemed to be middle-aged, and had dirty blonde hair poking out from under his hat.

On the other side, a tall, string bean-like figure stood, grinning eerily. He had a huge nose and an insane head of hair, giving him a very…cartoonish look.

Depp!Wonka frowned slightly. "Who are you?"

The first man smiled slightly and replied. "We are the music makers, the dreamers of dreams."

Depp!Wonka cocked his head to one side and squinted at him. "Isn't your name Leo Bloom?"

"No, it's Frederick Frahn-ken-steen. No, wait, strike that: my name is Willy Wonka."

"Wait….you're Frederick Frankenstein?"

"I keep telling people, it's FRAHN-KEN-STEEN!"

Meanwhile, Book!Wonka peered at the second of the two men. "And who are you?"

The cartoonish one grinned insanely. "I'm a corporate marketing scheme, but you may call me Willy Wonka as well, provided that you do not violate the trademark laws attached to my name and my parent company."

"Ah…I see."

Little did the four Wonkas know it, but this was about the point where everything went to hell.

--------------------------------------------

I noticed that when I posted my little preview that no one seemed to even notice that there was a fourth Wonka present. As a result, I'm not revealing the identities of the two new Wonkas (even though most of you know who the third one is) so that you have another shot at guessing. Have fun!

--------------------------------------------

1 Indicates a passage where everything (or almost everything) is a direct quote (or an almost direct quote) from 'Charlie and Chocolate Factory' by Roald Dahl.