Robin Hood: The low budget version

This isn't suppose to be serious, I wrote this when I was bored. I know scripts aren't allowed, but please give me a break, I don't think this story would work as a normal story. What wrong with script form anyway?

Part 1

Scene 1: Little Joan

Sherwood Forest

Robin walks through the forest humming cheerfully until he comes to a river. The only way across is a log, Little Joan is standing in the middle. Robin walks along the log until he bumps into Joan.

Robin: Move aside stranger!

Joan says nothing, but has an angry look on her face.

Robin: Move aside and let me pass!

Joan does nothing

Robin: Please move?

Joan does nothing

Robin: Right, now you've asked for it!

Robin and Joan have a pillow fight. Joan drops her pillow and gives Robin a push, he falls off the log and into the river. Robin splashes around.

Robin: If I drown it will be your fault, may my death be on your conscious forever!

Joan: The water's only three feet deep.

Robin stands up

Robin: So it is. So are you going to help me out or what?

Joan reaches down and Robin grabs her hands. He pulls Joan into the river. She lands into the water head first, she surfaces and spits out water. She gives Robin the same angry look as before.

Joan: That was cheating.

Robin: So was pushing me into the river, now we're even.

Joan:You have a point.My name is Joan Little.

Robin: I'm Robin Hood. Want to join my band of merry men?

Joan: All right

They shake hands and then Robin starts splashing her and continues despite her protests.

Joan: Hey, stop that!

Robin giggles and continues splashing.

Joan: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!

Joan pushed Robin and he falls over backwards into the water. Robin gets up and blows on a party blower. The merry men show up, there are ten of them.

Joan: these are you merry men?

Robin smiles proudly.

Robin: They certainly are!

Joan: But Robin, they're all pigeons!

Robin: Yeah, so?

Robin gets out of the river and talks to the pigeons.

Robin: This is Joan Little, but I'm going to call her little Joan because she's so short. Here's your party blower.

He hands Joan a party blower.

Joan: (Sarcastically) Gee thanks.

Robin: Joan, say hello to the group

Joan: But they're pigeons.

Robin: Yeah I know, you've mentioned it already.

Joan: What are you stoned or something? Pigeons are useless, you're better off robbing people by yourself. What do you say? Give us all your money or we'll poo on you? They'll laugh in your face!

Pigeon #1: What do you mean pigeons are useless? We have feelings you know!

Pigeon #1 starts crying and is comforted by pigeon #2.

Pigeon #2: There there Geoffrey. It's all right, she's just ignorant.

Pigeon #3: Let's travel and spread awareness of pigeons' rights, and form a union!

Pigeons: Yeah!

They all fly away.

Robin: Thanks a lot Joan, you scared away my merry men

Joan: You'll be better off with out them, trust me.

Robin sulks and the camera fades out.

Scene 2: The sheriff's brilliant plan

The castle at night, Prince Jon's throne room

Prince Jon: You've been searching for months and all you have to say is that you have failed to capture Robin Hood?

Sheriff: yes your highness, but he is very clever…

Prince Jon: The man talks to pigeons for Christs sake!

Sheriff: Yes, but…

Prince Jon: No buts! You will come up with a plan by tomorrow or you will suffer the ultimate torture!

Sheriff: No, anything but that!

Prince Jon leaves

Guard #1 enters

Guard #1: Sir…

Sheriff: Not now, I'm thinking. I won't search for him, he'll come to me! His archery skills are legendary and he can never resist showing off in font of Maid Marion… I know, an embroidery contest!

Guard #1: An embroidery contest sire?

Sheriff: It's the perfect plan, now what is it you were going to tell me?

The guard rolls his eyes.

Guard #1: Nothing sire.

Scene 3: the message

Sherwood Forest - the camp of the merry men

Joan: if it was just you and the pigeons, why are there so many tents?

Robin: I had men with me at one stage or another but they either died or got better jobs

Joan: that explains all the empty beer bottles

Robin: Actually those were from the time when the pigeons and I got drunk and I…well you don't want to know what happened next.

A brick flies out of nowhere and hits Robin on the head, he falls to the ground. Joan picks up the brick and smashes it against the ground until it breaks open, there is a message inside.

Joan: Prince Jon is holding and embroidery contest in honour of Maid Marion's birthday.

Robin gets up and stumbles around. He hold onto a tree, trying not to fall over. His voice is slurred.

Robin: Embroidery, I love embroidery, let's go!

Joan: but the sheriff will catch you!

Robin: Don't worry, let's get moving!

Robin starts walking and stumbles over, Joan looks worried and follows.

Scene 4: Allan A. Dale and the Friar

Sherwood Forest

Joan and Robin are walking when they hear someone crying.

Joan: Who's that?

Robin: Whoever it is will sort themselves out.

Joan: But Robin, don't you think we should help them?

Robin sighs.

Robin: All right, if we have to.

They walk towards the sound and see Allan, with long hair and an electric guitar, he is crying.

Joan: What's your name?

Allan: Allan A. Dale

Robin: The famous Rock star?

Allan nods.

Joan: What's wrong?

Alan: My girlfriend Kelly is being forced to marry someone else by her father.

Robin: Is there a priest around here we can trust?

Allan points in the other direction

Allan: There's a friar over near the river, I think he is having his lunch.

Robin and Joan jog until they come to a river bank, on the bank there is a boat, in the boat a friar is sitting, talking to a sock puppet. The puppet has a squeaky voice.

Friar: I think I'm going to eat the cucumber sandwiches today.

Puppet: Ew, not the cucumber, why not the cheese?

Robin: (Whispers) Lunatic

Joan: (Whispers angrily) This coming from the man who talks to pigeons!

Robin ignores Joan and walks towards the Friar

Robin: will you row me across the river my good man?

Robin gets into the boat and the Friar rows him across the river.

Robin: Wait, I've left my hat back at the other side!

The Friar rows him back.

Robin: Silly me, I was wearing it the whole time!

The friar rows him back to the other side.

Robin: wait, I left my shoes!

Friar: But you're wearing them.

Robin: Just do it

Friar rows him back grumbling

Robin: Now back to the other side!

They get halfway

Robin: Wait…

Friar picks up Robin and throws him into the river. Robin surfaces and blows on the party blower.

Friar: what is that thing, water proof?

Joan: you're telling me, I've already thrown him into the river.

Friar: I'm Friar Stacy.

Robin: You're a girl?

Friar: Have you got a problem with that?

Joan: But how did a girl become a Friar?

Friar: It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Robin: Allan Adale is depressed about his girlfriend being forced to marry someone else, we need your help

Scene 5: the wedding

Chapel/Sherwood forest

A wedding is happening, Robin and Joan run in, kidnap the bride and leave. Everyone looks shocked and confused. They take her to Sherwood forest where Allan and the Friar are waiting.

Friar: Do you, Allan Adale take Kelly to be you wife, for richer for poorer…

Allan: I do

Friar: Do you Kelly…

Kelly: I do

Friar: You may now kiss the…

Allan and Kelly start kissing, Robin starts crying and the Friar is annoyed at being interrupted so many times.

Robin: I love weddings.

Allan: So where are you heading off to?

Robin: We're going to the embroidery contest at the castle.

Allan: That sounds like fun, we'll go to

All exit

Scene 6: Will Scarlet

Sherwood Forest

Will is dressed in a bright red wrester's costume, he is surrounded by five of the sheriff's men. He yells and knocks them all unconscious.

Robin and the others enter.

Robin: That was amazing, want to join my Merry Men?

Will: But two of them are women.

Friar: Make it three

Joan gets angry

Joan: Why does it matter if three of us are women?

Will: I'm just asking why is it called the Merry men when three of you are women?

Robin: That's not the point, do you want to join or not?

Will: Hang on, you're Robin Hood aren't you?

Robin: Yes I am

Will: It's me Uncle Robin, Will!

Robin: Will Gamwell, what are you doing here?

Will: I got into a fight down the pub with a bloke down the pub and accidentally killed him. Next thing I know, I'm outlawed and these guys are trying to kill me.

Robin: Well you'd better come with us then, your new name will be Will Scarlet. Here's your party blower.

Will: What's it for?

Robin: You blow it if you are in trouble

Will: Okay

All exit

Scene 7: the embroidery contest

Outside the castle

Prince Jon: If this plan of yours doesn't work, it's the ultimate torture for you. Can you see Robin Hood yet?

Sheriff: We suspect he is here, but he is very heavily disguised.

The camera pans along the row of people, and old lady, a little girl and Robin wearing a fake moustache. Robin shows the girl his embroidery.

Robin: See look, I did a bunny!

The sheriff looks carefully

Sheriff: There's Robin Hood, seize him!

Robin look startled but is surprised when they grab the old lady and take her to the dungeon.

In the dungeon

Guard #1: Very clever Robin

Guard #2: But not clever enough

Guard #3: We're onto your tricks

Old Lady: But I'm not Robin

Sheriff: Get his mask off

Guard #2 pulls at the old lady's face

Guard #2: It's stuck

Sheriff: It's no use, we'll have to use the blow torch.

A scream comes from outside

Sheriff: Stay here

The sheriff goes out side, Maid Marian has fainted, Robin is trying to revive her

Robin: Wake up my love, it's me, Robin!

His fake moustache falls off, he tries in vain to cover his face

Sheriff: It's him, guards!

The guards chase Robin, Will climbs onto a table then body slams one of the guards, Joan starts hitting another with her pillow, and Friar is attacking the other with her sock puppet. Allan plugs in his guitar and starts to sing. Kelly look at him admiraringly, but the guards start moaning and covering their ears along with half the spectators. Joan flops onto the ground and covers her ears with her pillow, Friar Stacy grabs Joan and they all run while the guards are distracted.

Scene 8: All's well that ends well

The camp of the merry men

Joan: I can see why Kelly liked the music, she's married to him after all but why weren't you effected by the singing?

Will: After you hear Robin sing, you can withstand anything.

Joan: Robin sings?

Will: Badly. The last time I heard him was the time he and the pigeons got drunk.

Joan: he mentioned it but didn't say what happened.

Will: He started singing "Somewhere over the rainbow" dressed as Dame Edna

Everyone laughs except for Robin. There is the sound of flapping and Robin spreads his arms as the pigeons land on him.

Robin: My pretties have returned to me!

Everyone exchanged worried looks

Joan: Listen Robin do you really want to keep the reputation as the crazy man who talks to pigeons?

Robin: Please Joan, you've done enough

Pigeon #3: Actually we just came back to tell you we've been quite successful in our quest for pigeons rights

Pigeon #1: We've found out true calling.

Pigeon #2: The pigeons in the royal roost have rebelled and even the chickens. Why should chickens have to sacrifice their unborn children to human, then get the chop when they're too old to lay any more?

Pigeons: Good bye

They all fly away and Robin collapses on the ground sobbing.

Joan: I wonder what happened to the sheriff?

Friar: Why are you concerned about him?

Joan: I'm not, it's just I remember Prince Jon told him he'd suffer the Ultimate torture if his plan failed.

The camera cuts to the dungeon and the sheriff is chained to the wall. He screams as he is forced to listen to "Strawberry kisses" and the credits come up

Part 2 next! please review