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Chapter 4
"So…" Sirius pressed.
"So…?" I replied.
"Well?" He asked.
"Well what!" I snapped.
There was a pause, and then: "You know…"
I'd had it. "If you want me to answer you, could you at least tell me what you're going on about?" I was angry – although Sirius wasn't the cause of my anger.
It was finished.
I had absolutely no chance now. Misery clouded me – my soul, my body, my conscience. How could I have done something so utterly foolish? How… how… how? I felt mutinous, and yet, the cause of my agony was none other than my own actions.
What, you must be wondering, am I talking about?
"Prongs… you know perfectly well what I'm talking about… how did it go…?"
I sighed. There really wasn't any point beating around the bush with Padfoot. He knew me as well as I knew him.
"The tour of Hogwarts was brilliant. Absolutely fantastic."
"And…?" He prompted.
"And… and…" I trailed off, a desperate edge to my voice. Sirius sighed and sat down next to me. We were in the common room, sitting in a corner.
Lily had been delighted at what I had showed her. Arriving back at the Gryffindor common room after hours of wandering systematically around the castle, we had started talking – and had sat there for hours and hours. I had left for the boys' dormitory reluctantly.
"Come on Prongs… out with it!"
"I've done something stupid." I was utterly furious with myself.
"Like?" Sirius' tone was amused. The times I'd said that to him…
"You don't want to know…" There must have been something in my voice, because he suddenly leaned closer, and said seriously:
"What's happened James?"
I gave up. There was no way he was going to leave me alone now. "It was great Padfoot. I showed her the castle, and she was so… so happy. I could tell. And I was happy as well – she's really easy to talk to once you know her…" I trailed off once again, thinking about Lily's soft, pealing laugh.
"So what's the problem?"
"The problem's me. I'm so stupid!" I groaned, furious with myself, and placed my head in my hands. And then I continued: "The next few days were one of the best ones in my life. She smiled at me whenever she saw me and even came to see me at Quidditch practise – although she was trying hard to blend into the crowd... I could tell… her hair… stood out a mile…" I smiled at her vivid red hair. "I was chuffed Padfoot. This was it. She'd given me a chance. I was absolutely certain that she'd let me go with her to Hogsmede." I paused for one second and sighed, lifting my head and looking at Sirius. "And then… three days ago I did something so incredibly stupid… so daft… I've got no chance now… she won't even look at me…"
"What did you do?"
Sighing once again, I leant back and grimaced, as I remembered my own stupidity. "Let me start at the beginning."
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"Ready?" I asked her, rubbing my hands together in anticipation of the cold that would surely pervade the corridors.
Wrapping a thick cloak around her slim frame and tucking her wand into her robes, she nodded at me, her green eyes intense in the semi-darkness that existed within the Gryffindor common room.
Patrol duty was the scourge of all of the Prefects at Hogwarts. There was absolutely no doubt about that! None of them wished to do it, as it carried on until about midnight, and these days, everyone was swamped with homework and revision. Of course, rather than feel reluctant, I always looked forward to the nights because Lily was with me. We didn't talk much, as each of us was quite tired, and usually just walked on in companionable silence, occasionally commenting on something or other.
This particular evening was no different. I had had Quidditch practise and was exhausted. All I could think about was going back to my warm bed in the boys' seventh year Gryffindor dormitory. Lily and I had been patrolling the corridors for about an hour and it was just past eleven o clock, and the chilliness of the winter was creeping along the passages and hallways of the giant castle. Pulling my own cloak tightly around me, I tucked my hands within the sleeves, and shivered slightly and forced my eyes and ears to be alert to any sound. It was true that with these new patrol rotas, more of the younger students were behaving themselves, but occasionally a lone straggler out to make trouble could be found. Oh… if only I could catch Snape one of these days… I'd give him a ten-page essay on hygiene and bathing… like to see the look on his face then! I thought amusingly to myself.
However, the quiet surrounded us like a thick blanket, and nothing apart from our footsteps and breathing could be heard. So naturally, having nothing to do, my full and whole attention turned towards my exquisite travel companion.
Lily was sweeping her gaze in front of her, her own arms within the sleeves of her cloak – like mine were – and I could see her eyes beginning to droop once or twice. I felt my heart twinge in sorrow at her tiredness, and I remembered that she had been going over a few high-level charms and advanced spells with Professor Flitwick well into the evening. She must be exhausted as well, I thought to myself. So I leaned over to her, my lips close to her ear and whispered gently.
"Lily… if you want to go to bed you can go… I'll carry on…" She jumped out of her reverie, as I spoke and uttered a startled gasp. However, she calmed down immediately as she realised it was only me.
I could see her look at me. A feeling came into my stomach – like I was falling from a great height. I looked back. How on earth could I resist those unearthly eyes! They glittered in the darkness of the night – like deep pools of expression and thought – and I'm sure – even now – that I saw something flicker there… something almost like… affection? That was dangerous thinking though, so I turned my attention to what she was saying.
"It's alright. Not long now." She shook her head, looked at me once again – and then looked away almost as quickly – and started to walk again. A few tendrils of her hair – silhouetted against the gloom – gently stirring and I had an almost irresistible urge to go and gently brush them aside. I remained silent however, and continued walking, catching up with her easily, and in deep admiration of her inner strength.
Nothing more happened until the end of our shift – half an hour later – and we headed back towards the common room – rather quickly, if I may be allowed to say, because of the cold that was seeping through our cloaks.
"Fortis Amor," I murmured to the Fat Lady – who blinked sleepily and then swung inwards. I felt utterly exhausted and let out a breath of relief as the warmth of the common room washed over me. Allowing Lily to go ahead of me – it was instinctive – I sank onto a sofa near the flickering fire and stretched – feeling infinitely comfortable – in the wonderful heat of the common room. Looking around for Lily, I spotted her regarding me, her gaze sweeping over me. Feeling very self-conscious, I gave her a tired smile – which she returned.
"Come sit her for- for-" I had started to yawn – a huge, noisy affair and Lily laughed, but came and sat across from me all the same. How she looked at that moment is a sight which I shall never forget. She was tired I could tell that, by her eyes, by her weary smile, but unlike with elder women, her youth still shone through, making her look fresh and young. Her hair – red and fiery – was tied loosely behind her neck, but a few strands still hung on either side of her face, framing it and in stark contradiction to her light skin. Lily yawned as well – stretching her red and full lips, showing small and perfect teeth. She looked across at me, and I could see the smile in her striking eyes even before it had crossed her lips.
"Like to see people yawn, do you Potter?"
"Just you…" I whispered without thinking. A slight blush came to her cheeks, and I shook my head to ward off the thoughts that were entering my mind. I leaned back, and rested my head on the back of the sofa.
"Busy day?" I asked her yawning again. She nodded, rubbing her eyes.
"Yes… so much to do…" Lily looked at me again. I smiled and said:
"Well we've got the Christmas holidays to look forward to…"
A delighted look entered her eyes. And then, almost as suddenly, it left.
"What's wrong?" I asked her, the concern all too evident in my voice.
"Oh… nothing… just… well, are you going away for Christmas?"
I shook my head. She was surprised.
"Really?"
I shrugged. "Decided to stay… last year at Hogwarts… wanted to spend it with the Professors… you?"
Lily shook her head – rather sadly – and I was almost delighted at her answer. She was staying for Christmas… so was I…
"Why?"
"Hmmm?" She asked me absent-mindedly.
"Why aren't you going home?"
"Oh no reason… just thought I'd stay as well…"
I could tell she wasn't being totally honest, and as I looked at her, she bit her bottom lip and sighed. "Oh alright… it's… it's Petunia…"
"Your sister?"
Lily nodded. "Yeah… she's… she's threatened to leave if I come over for Christmas. It's her fiancé you see… she's invited him over for Christmas dinner to meet my parents, and she doesn't want me there."
Rage coursed through me. "You should still go!"
Lily smiled wistfully. "We have our differences – Petunia and I – but we're still sisters, and if my not going home for Christmas this year means so much to her, then I'll stay…"
I wanted to say something more – about what an idiot this Petunia was – but I kept quiet. It wasn't really any of my business.
"So?" I asked her, exactly like Sirius would ask me in a few days.
She looked up.
"Well?"
Her expression was still blank. I chuckled. "Going to get me anything for Christmas?" She smiled, relieved, and then a mischievous glint entered her eyes. "Maybe…"
"Maybe?" I spluttered in mock horror.
"Yeah… you know, I might get you a glove or something…" She was grinning.
"A glove… the girl wants to give me a glove…" I laughed.
"You?"
"Pardon?"
"Are you getting me anything for Christmas?" I was falling in love with her grin. It was infectious.
"Maybe…" I said mysteriously, echoing her earlier words. She looked at me in humour, and then raised her right eyebrow.
"Oh… alright… you dragged it out of me… yes I am getting you something…" I winked at her, and wouldn't say anymore. Her curiosity was piqued, however, but I stayed quiet. Finally, after about another twenty minutes of talking, she said (yawning again):
"See you tomorrow James. I'm exhausted."
She stood up to leave, and that's when it happed. Lily stood up, and swayed on the spot as if she dizzy. She took a step forwards, stumbled, and fell back onto the sofa, moaning softly. For a split second, panic overtook me, but I fought it back down.
"Lily!" I hastily ran over and knelt beside her. I could tell that she was struggling to keep her eyes open. It pained me to see her like this. I gently eased her into a sitting position, and cupped my hand under her head, trying to keep it from rolling off the back of the sofa. "Lily!" She was moaning softly, one of her hands massaging her temples.
"… alright… just tired… that's all…" After a few minutes of tense silence, Lily finally recovered enough to open her eyes, and sit up by herself.
"You're working yourself too hard… look at you… you can barely stay sitting…" I was furious with myself for talking to her for the past half an hour. She should have gone straight to bed – all the things she was doing… they were too much. "You should have gone back when I asked you to." I said, a gentle reprimand in my voice, as I held one of her hands and squeezed it in reassurance. She looked delicate and fragile, and the temptation for me to hold her was nearly too strong, but I would never take advantage of her.
"You're doing too much work Lily. You should have come back here when I asked you!" My tone was serious, and she looked away, biting her bottom look, looking so vulnerable and innocent that I shivered.
"Didn't want to leave you…" she turned to look at me, a strange expression on her face, the tip of her tongue flitting around her lips. I could see the shadows that her thick and long eyelashes cast upon her soft cheeks, and the sight set my heart racing. Looking up at her, I saw her eyes taking me in.
And finally I snapped. Her eyes – reflecting the light from the flickering fire, her fiery hair – tendrils of which were about her face, her full, red lips parted ever so slightly… I, James Potter, a mere mortal, could not resist possibly resist this girl… this woman… who held my heart in the palm of her hand to do with as she saw fit. So I did what I had wanted to do for years – my motive was pure: I loved her. I knew this. Loved her with a passion that surprised even me. How on earth could I resist something so strong and beautiful and… and… untainted?
Leaning over, I gently cupped her chin, and brought my own lips to bear on her full ones. They were warm and moist and so soft that I was sure that nothing on this earth could be more yielding.
It was ecstasy. I suppose there was a bit of physical pleasure as well – the feeling in my stomach intensified manifold. But it was so much more – a gap was filled within me, a place in my being that I somehow knew was made for her.
I gently held her chin in one of my hands. The fingers of the other one were gently stroking her cheek – smooth and white and beautiful. I pulled her to me, and stood up, my arms around her body, her warmth making me feel as if there was nothing to worry about in the world. And I leaned against her, and it was like we melted into one. And she fit perfectly against me. Her small, slim frame easily fitting against my tall thin one. And still I held her… still I stroked one finger against her beautiful, soft skin. And still I kissed her, my desperation turning slowly into passion, lengthening into a deep outlet of the love I held for her – making it all the more stronger. And then… I realised what I was doing.
Breaking the kiss, I looked at her – her wonderful eyes, her reddened lips – and spoke in a desperate whisper:
"What have I done?"
