"Jaken-sama... kyou wa Sesshoumaru-sama osoi na..." Rin swung her skinny legs in the air on the draconic youkai, Ah-Un, as she twirled the stems of the wild flowers that she had gathered in her hands around for her beloved youkai lord.
"Urusai! What do you know of Sesshoumaru-sama! He has important matters to attend to and will surely come back for me!" Jaken replied annoyingly. He surmised that Sesshoumaru must have detected Naraku's scent and gave chase after it. Jaken sighed out loud as he leaned his head against his Nintoujou. Sesshoumaru had again left without another word, leaving him together with the annoying ningen child that Sesshoumaru had taken in, like a lost stray. Even though he had not said a single word, Jaken knew that by allowing Rin to follow him around, Sesshoumaru had silently admitted her as his ward.
He really wished from the bottom of his heart that Sesshoumaru would bring him along, just like in the past, even though he was not of much help at all. But Jaken felt important, as if he was really an adviser to the taiyoukai (even though he had been playing that role all along), and Sesshoumaru had once commented that he needed no one else other than him around. Jaken could never forget those words, he would dug it out from his memories everytime he felt that he was useless to Sesshoumaru or that he might be tossed away like rubbish.
"Demo..." Jaken let out another big sigh and shook his green head in despair. All had changed after Rin came into the picture. Even though Sesshoumaru did not talk to Rin often, it was obvious that he wanted her protected, from all possible harm and danger. And Rin adored him to no end, gushing about his greatness and strength and kindness endlessly the whole day. It was not difficult to see that Rin had somehow viewed and respected Sesshoumaru as a fatherly figure, but it was also blatantly painful to him that the annoying child had somehow wriggled her way into his cold private heart.
He remembered the one time when Sesshoumaru had returned from his mysterious journey within the night, and asked Rin whether she had behaved herself. Jaken caught his head with both hands at that memory and sighed louder, it seemed to him that Sesshoumaru had really taken a liking to Rin. Even his few words to Rin sounded a tad fatherly, albeit still commanding, if one knows Sesshoumaru well. Jaken doubted that he was on par with Rin's position in Sesshoumaru's heart.
"Ne Jaken-sama... will Sesshoumaru-sama be in danger?" Rin squatted beside the kappa-youkai who was leaning against one of Ah-Un's hoof and asked innocently, oblivious to the internal conflict and struggle that he was going through. Jaken glared at Rin with his bulbous yellow eyes and shouted back, "baka! Sesshoumaru-sama has never been defeated!"
Rin was slightly stunned at Jaken's angry answer and took back her childish smile. She looked into his face, his bulging yellow eyes were brimming with angry tears and he was trembling all over. A soft smile appeared on her face as she wrapped her arms around her knee-caps, "ne Jaken-sama... nakanai..."
Jaken brushed away the heavy tears with his sleeve and turned, "go away Rin!" He could not understand why Sesshoumaru had chosen to keep Rin with him and not turn her away, and he now felt wretched and helpless. He believed he had lost favour in his master's sight and was now reduced to nothing than a baby-sitter.
Rin widened her eyes at his angry tantrum and kept quiet. Her comfort did not seem to make Jaken feel better, even though she had no idea why he was crying. She got to her feet silently and tugged at the leash around Ah-Un's necks, "Ah-Un, let's go there and pick more flowers for Sesshoumaru-sama!" The draconic youkai let out a grunted sound and followed Rin obediently, there were always juicy tender green grasses around wild flowers.
After a long while, when Rin came back with a handful of colorful wild flowers in her hands and strewn petals, grassblades in her messy hair and folds of her kimono, it was already evening. Jaken was sitting at the same old spot, with his back facing her. Rin smiled and laughed as she skipped to her master's retainer, "Jaken-sama! Mitte! Mitte!"
Jaken turned his head around slowly and the worried look in his eyes stopped Rin in her tracks. She lowered her hand that was loaded with flowers and cocked her head to one side, wondering what was wrong with the kappa-youkai again.
Jaken stood up slowly, his bones creaking a bit from the long wait and he spoke in a serious tone, "Rin. We have to go and find Sesshoumaru-sama." It was unlike of Sesshoumaru not to return by the end of the day and he had been away for too long a period for Jaken to feel comfortable. He could not push away the dreaded feeling that Sesshoumaru might have met with unexpected enemies and therefore was... slowed down.
Rin knew that Jaken was serious and looked up, the sky was already getting dark and she could see the faint outline of the crescent moon at the far end of the horizon. She nodded her head once happily, "hm! Rin and Jaken-sama can surprise Sesshoumaru-sama! He is really very late today!"
Jaken frowned and shouted again, "you foolish ningen! I am worried for Sesshoumaru-sama! Do you think that this is some silly game of yours!"
Rin stopped her giggling and hung her head down, "iie. Rin is also wondering why.. demo Sesshoumaru-sama totemo tsuyoi ne?" Jaken could not help but to feel a little guilty at his sudden outburst. It seemed to him that she was more mature and sensible that he had gauged her to be. "Mochiron! Sesshoumaru-sama is a strong and powerful taiyoukai. I don't think he has forgotten about the both of us at all."
Jaken relaxed his frown and picked up his Nintoujou, "Rin, iku! We will go and look for Sesshoumaru-sama!" Ah-Un grunted again and Rin pulled the leash forward with a wide smile on her face, "hai!"
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"Shippou-chan!" Kagome picked up the kitsune-youkai from the back of his kimono with one hand. Sango snatched away the wild red berries away from the Shippou's paw and threw it away.
"Shippou, you know you shouldn't eat anything that grows in the wild. Those red berries are poisonous!" Sango chided and crossed her arms. Shippou's bright green eyes turned dark and wide, "honto ni!"
Both ladies nodded their heads in a motherly manner while Shippou hung his head down and pouted, "demo... I am really very hungry..." Kagome placed the kitsune youkai in her arms and spoke soothingly to him, "gomen ne Shippou-chan, demo you really have to bear with the hunger until we find a river or a village..." They have not had a proper meal for three days and the hunger was getting to everyone.
Miroku let out a big weary sigh, "I am also hungry, then let's look for a river shall we?" There were not many wild edible fruits around in the forest and it seemed that most of the small animals were usy building their nest and homes for hibernation in the coming winter.
"Kagome! Don't you have any ramen or snacks in your bag anymore?" Inuyasha groaned out loud. Kagome glared at the red-clad hanyou angrily, "you have eaten up the whole bag of potato chips last night! And you have the cheek to ask me!"
"Keh! It was so little! Not even enough for me to fill my stomach!" Inuyasha folded his arms crossly and turned his proud stiff back on her. Kagome clenched her fists in anger and Sango rushed forward, not wanting any more silly quarrels to break out until they have settled the problem of food.
Miroku seemed to feel the same way and placed a hand on Inuyasha's shoulder, "maa maa Inuyasha... there is no need to get so worked up. You really did finish up the last bag of Kagome-sama's tasty snacks so you better go and hunt some wild rabbits for dinner. If not we shall all starve to death here in this forest with no one to bury us."
"Houshi-sama!" Sango glared at Miroku's inappropriate use of words and led the fuming Kagome away to a bigger clearing. It was unlike of Kagome to get so agitated and angry so easily but then, maybe its the hunger and the cold weather... Sango thought to herself, she could feel Kagome's tense muscles under her hands.
Miroku grinned sheepishly and leaned forward to Inuyasha, whispering softly into his ears, "if not you will get it from Kagome-sama later..." The muscles in Inuyasha's cheeks twitched a little as he imagined the craters that he would make with his head. He could almost hear Kagome's shrilly commands and smell the familiar scent of dirt in his nose.
He shrugged the monk off his shoulders and shouted, "aa! Wakaru yo!" Miroku and Sango smiled as Inuyasha jumped up and disappeared fast into the thick forest.
When nightfall had arrived, Inuyasha was back with a couple of wild dead hares. Miroku and him hastily skinned the hares and soon, they were roasting the tasty fragrant meat over the fire that they had built in the clearing. Kagome was pouring boiling water from a small kettle that she had brought along in her yellow backpack into five small cups with teabags. The group of six soon finished their dinner and for once, all of them felt really filled and satisfied. Kagome passed around cups of steaming ocha and everyone started to slurp their hot tea noisily.
"Ah... the pleasures of life..." Miroku sighed out happily as he sipped the delicious fragrant ocha slowly. Sango nodded her head and smiled as they both looked up to the lone crescent moon that hung high up in the air, while Shippou and Kirara was nestled snugly between the couple. A cold draft of wind blew by and the flames of the fire swayed and arched to one side.
"Sango, are you cold?" Miroku turned to the taijiya on his left and asked. Sango blushed and shook her head. Miroku smiled and his hand itched to go over to Sango's warm soft bouncy butt but Shippou and Kirara was snuck between them firmly. He decided to retract his hand and scratched his short hair instead, laughing out a bit nervously "sou desu ne! Let me know if you are cold!"
Kagome watched the loving scene in front of her and smiled to herself as she poked at the fire absentmindedly with a long thick twig. She felt somehow... isolated. It was not official, and none of them had said anything. But it was obvious to Kagome that Miroku and Sango loved each other, even though they expressed (or rather displayed) their affections rather differently. But their relationship had somewhat developed through such exchange of affections and they had also somehow came to a mutual conclusion that one of the reasons that they continue to live was for each other.
Miroku understood that Sango wanted to exact her revenge and save Kohaku; while Sango knew that Miroku would eventually die from his own Kazaana, and therefore could not give her any promises in regards to their future, if it was possible at all. Kagome envied both her close friends, for being able to find love, support and strength in each other, in spite of all the dreadful things that they were facing on their own, and together.
She stole a peek at the hanyou who was sitting high up in one of the trees again, leaning back against the trunk and his bare dirty feet dangling off the thick branches. She could see the faint glimmer of moonlight reflected in his eyes and he seemed to be resting, or thinking. It was not often that he was this quiet and still.
Is he thinking of her? Kagome thought of the expression on Inuyasha's face when they met Kikyou a few days ago. They were battling Mouryoumaru and unexpectedly, Kikyou had arrived at the last minute and shot her hamaya at the youkai. Even though the hamaya had missed its target, it had helped to clear away the youki that was threatening Inuyasha's Tessaiga. Mouryoumaru took the opportunity to escape and the terrible battle was halted. Kagome had feared for Inuyasha's life since he had not been able to fully master the Ryuurin-scaled Tessaiga to defeat Mouryoumaru.
He still has the same look on his face everytime he sees Kikyou... Kagome sighed softly to herself as she threw several more twigs for the fire. "Even the fire needs wood to continue to burn..." she mumbled to herself and wondered whether there were anymore fuel within her heart to continue the love she had for Inuyasha. What am I doing or thinking? Kagome sighed out in self-defeat. She stared into the fire and watched how the flames would dance around the pile of twigs, swaying side to side and making small crackling sounds. The heat from the bright orange-reddish fire was so comforting and soothing and it was soon before Kagome closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.
When Kagome woke up, she realized that someone had helped her into her sleeping bag. She smiled to herself, Inuyasha... The fire had shrank considerably and someone had helped to clear the kettle and cups too. Kagome cast a grateful look at Sango who was now sleeping soundly beside her neko-youkai pet. Shippou was snuggled up against the furry Kirara for warmth and Miroku was lying beside them, facing Sango, always. Kagome could not help but to feel sad for herself. Inuyasha never slept anywhere near her, even though he was very able in protecting her. He seldom slept for long, and always chose to rest high up in the tree or at a distance away from the group.
Even though Inuyasha had always said that he wanted to watch out for any enemies or intruders, Kagome knew that it was more of because he was not comfortable with people getting too close to him, not even Miroku, Sango nor Shippou. Kagome glanced around and sure enough, she saw Inuyasha resting against a big boulder some distance away. Her delicate eyebrows drooped to the side, fully understanding why Inuyasha wanted to keep a distance between him and his team-mates.
He probably does not want to feel too hurt if anyone of us die in the future...
Kagome pulled the cover up a little to her neck, the night was chilly. She looked straight up into the cloudless midnight sky, the clearing also provided an excellent view of the skies and hundreds of small sparkly stars dotted across the skies, some swirling around each other in clusters while some were alone, shining as bright as they could on their own.
She closed her eyes as she felt a stab of pain in her heart. Kagome had not exactly pin-pointed the reasons why she had fallen in love with Inuyasha. But she knew that wanting to bridge the gap, to heal the wound in Inuyasha's heart was one of them. She had even succeeded to a great extent, for Inuyasha had learnt to trust and rely, but he had always restricted himself, never really going all full out, nor depend on others. That was a self-defense and self-protective mechanism that she could never undo unless Inuyasha was willing.
Perhaps that is not so bad afterall, Kagome told herself. No one really wanted to get hurt, and she would not push Inuyasha further if he was uncomfortable. She knew that it was also highly unlikely for Inuyasha to really change his mindset until his nemesis, Naraku is dead. It was really Naraku who kept Inuyasha on his edges every single day.
Her mind automatically rewound itself to the part when Inuyasha told them that Kikyou wanted to purify and destroy Naraku together with the completed Shikon no Tama. Kagome opened her eyes and stared at the starry sky, Kikyou...
She recalled the look of determination on Inuyasha's face when he told Kikyou that he would not have her to risk her life, and to Sango that he would not allow Kikyou to sacrific Kohaku, her otouto. Kikyou obviously still held an important place in his heart. It was not that Kagome did not know. Three years ago, she had told herself that she would always be second to Kikyou, and she knew that this was the truth. Inuyasha felt a terribly heavy duty and responsibility to the undead Kikyou and Kagome knew that it was impossible for Inuyasha to love only her. Too much had happened between Kikyou and Inuyasha for it to disappear into the recesses of his mind. She was pretty sure that Inuyasha loved her, and she used to think thatthat was enough. Just to be with him, just to see him happy was enough for her.
But truth be told, she was not exactly happy. Three years ago, she was only fifteen. And now, she was more mature, practical and realistic. Kagome had gone past the limits of tolerance, hurt, pain, loneliness, bitterness, jealousy and regret. She simply felt neutral most of the time now. She was not even sure whether she could continue to love Inuyasha anymore. She was sure that she at least saw him as a very important friend, and that she still harboured deep, intense feelings for him. But to where that would go, or whether it would continue, she was unsure. She afterall, could not go back in Time and change her decisions.
Kagome could not remember how many times she had gone through all these questions and struggles in her mind, to end up with no answer. Love, had seemed so complicated in her case, when compared to the love that Miroku and Sango shared. Miroku had once hinted to her that she would forever remain in Kikyou's shadow until Inuyasha had learnt to let go and look beyond the promise he had given to the undead miko. And now, three years had flown by and things remained as before. Nothing had changed between Inuyasha and her, nor him and Kikyou; it was as if the three of them had never progressed.
Not that it matters... Kagome closed her eyes, willing herself not to think anymore and tried to go back to sleep. But after some futile struggle, she opened her eyes again and returned to stare at the stars. iThey are too bright./i She was too wide awake to sleep and the chilly night air only served to freshen up her mind.
They are all dead... just the vision of their light burning light-years away... A bitter-sweet smile appeared on her face as spots of sparkles glimmered in her deep molten irises, perhaps my love for him is also like that. The embers will continue to burn and give off light until they can't...
Kagome turned to her side and looked at the side view of Inuyasha leaning against the boulder. Inuyasha seemed to have sense it, he turned his face a little and both caught sight of each other's eyes. His golden eyes widened at the surprise that she had woke up, while she merely smiled at him and closed her eyes. She suddenly recalled what her mother used to tell her when she worried herself to death over tests and exams, "Kagome, everything will turn out alright in the end."
A single drop of tear rolled down her cold cheek, there were no more tests and exams. But yes, everything would be okay.
"Kagome, perhaps one day you will find someone who loves you as much as Mama does!"
Her heart lightened, and the knots in her mind gone. Kagome believed in her mother, and she soon drifted off to sleep, with hopes that she would one day meet the one who would love her back as much she would.
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A/N: This chapter was kinda hard to write. I was trying to depict exactly how Kagome feels towards Inuyasha, and I think I've done it. Not the best that I expected but oh well, you'll forgive me right? )
I would like to give credit and my eternal deepest heartfelt thanks to Rinseternalsoul for the new summary of this fic. I know that I suck at summaries and she gladly helped me out with it. Isn't she fantastic?
kyou wa Sesshoumaru osoi na - Sesshoumaru is really late today
urusai - annoying/noisy
ningen - human
baka - idiot/fool
kappa - frog/toad-like
nakanai - don't cry
mitte - look
demo Sesshoumaru-sama totemo tsuyoi ne - but Sesshoumaru-sama is very strong/brave right?
mochiron - of course
iku - go
honto ni - really
kitsune - fox
gomen ne - sorry (casual form)
ramen - instant noodles
maa maa - well well/dear me houshi - monk (buddhist)
wakaru yo - I understand/I got it!
ocha - japanese green tea taijiya - demon/youkai exterminator
sou desu ne - oh i see/so, is it?
hamaya - purifying arrow (Kikyou and Kagome can deliver such arrows)
Ryuurin-scaled Tessaiga - Dragon-scaled Tessaiga, can absorb the opponent's youki otouto - younger brother
