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Chapter 5
There was a spot behind a huge oak tree, just by the lake, that no one ever thought to go to. It was there that I went in my misery. We had discovered it a few years ago when Remus had transformed and the rest of us were in our animagus forms. I had remembered it for later, and was now glad that I had. I needed to be alone.
So I settled there with my back against the huge tree, somewhat comforted by its huge weight, solidness and its ancient strength.
Several weeks had passed since I had told Sirius about my stupidity. He had shaken his head and looked with pity at me.
"Poor Prongs. That might work with some girls, James, but not with the likes of Lily. She's the sort of girl that likes everything done on her own terms. By the sounds of it you were getting along fine. You should have given it a few weeks, a month at most."
"Don't you think I know that? All I could think of was how tired she looked and next moment, before I could help myself, I kissed her. And she didn't even pull back, did she?" I had grumbled back.
Sirius had looked thoughtful. "That's a plus I suppose. She could have slapped you but she didn't. What exactly did she do?"
So I told him.
After I had expressed my desperation in those four words - 'What have I done?' - Lily had stepped back, her eyes widened in shock. I felt utterly repulsed by myself. After all, I wasn't an over-eager, hormonal fifteen year old was I? I had some self-control. I shouldn't have done what I did.
"Lily-" I had called.
But she had uttered a small moan and had fled up the girls' seventh year dormitory, her fatigue of only moments ago forgotten.
I had stayed by the fireside for perhaps another hour – condemning myself for my weak self-control – before finally making my way up to my dormitory to spend the night tossing and tumbling, wide eyed at what I had done.
"Have you tried talking to her?" Sirius had asked.
I nodded, glumly.
"And?"
"And she can't bear the sight of me," I finished, which was pretty accurate. Lily had gone back to her old habit of failing to acknowledge my existence.
Sirius had tried to be gentle. He really had. But I knew that even he thought that there wasn't any way I had a chance now. "Don't worry, James," he had said. "She'll come around. The important thing to do is to give her some time and space. There's no point forcing your company on her, if she can't bear the sight of you. Don't worry, James. You're a great guy; I'm sure she'll see that. I'm sure of it." Oh yeah? I had thought. Then why do you sound like you're not?
Patrol duty at night had become a nightmare. It was too late to change the arrangements, and so I found myself walking the dark corridors with her by my side, silent as a spectre. As soon as we got to the common room, Lily - without so much as a backwards glance - fled up to her dormitory.
Don't think I didn't try talking to her. I did… every night. It's hard to talk to silence though.
I sighed, stood up, brushed my robes and started to make my way around the oak tree. There really wasn't any point wallowing in self-pity, I thought. The best thing to do was to try and get over her, and maybe find another girl.
But, a calm voice - sounding uncannily like Remus' - said in my mind, you don't want any other girl, do you James?
Which, I admitted to myself, was the truth. But what could I do?
I made my way through the darkening grounds and up the front steps of Hogwarts. Why won't she understand I'm sorry? I wondered. But it was obvious. I had asked her for one chance. I had totally destroyed and wasted that one chance. It was rather self-explanatory.
I was brought out of my reverie when I crashed headfirst into a large object.
"Oof!" I gasped, totally winded. I had staggered back a few steps, and fought to regain my balance.
"Mr. Potter. I trust you are well?"
I looked up to survey the calm, kind eyes of Professor Dumbledore. He didn't appear to be ruffled in the least.
"Professor, I'm so sorry. I should have looked-"
Dumbledore held up his hand. "There is no need to apologise, Mr. Potter. However, a little caution in future would not go amiss." I could see a twinkle in his blue eyes.
I blushed in embarrassment. "Yes sir. I'm sorry."
He nodded and carried on his way. I trudged into the Great Hall, but suddenly:
"Mr. Potter?"
I paused and turned around to survey the Headmaster for the second times in as many minutes.
"Yes sir?"
"Give it some time, Mr. Potter?"
I was puzzled. "I beg your pardon, sir?"
Another mischievous twinkle entered his eyes. "Give it some time," he repeated, and then disappeared through the open door, before my open mouth could formulate a question.
The twinkle in his eye warned me that perhaps the Professor knew more than it appeared. Or maybe it was just his usual - slightly eccentric - ways, and he was giving me a random piece of advice?
Slightly disgruntled, I made my way up the stairs and strode down the corridor, once again deep in thought.
"Good evening, Potter."
"Good evening, Professor," I replied to Slughorn as he strode past me with a particularly jovial air.
Once again, however, I was stopped before I could proceed any further.
"Oh and Potter?"
I turned.
"Yes sir?"
He held out a parchment. "Give this to Miss Evans, will you? You're in the same house I believe?"
I was rather amazed that he didn't know the answer to that question. I had been at Hogwarts for seven years! I was Head Boy! I was on the Gryffindor Quidditch Team! I had had more detentions than anyone else - excluding Sirius of course. How could he not know which house I was in? But then, I knew that Slughorn was concerned with only those pupils who held honourable places in The Slug Club. I sighed, nodded and took the parchment from his proffered hand.
"Good, good," and he walked on.
For one moment, the more curious side of me tempted me to open the parchment and see what was in it. I could easily make it look like nobody had opened it after I'd read it, but I decided it was indecent to do so, and so I made my way towards the common room to see if Lily was there.
"Felix Felicis," I muttered and the Fat Lady swung in. I clambered through and cast my eyes around the room. She wasn't there.
"Oi James!" I could hear Peter shout from across the room.
I mouthed "later" and exited the room moments after I'd entered it.
"What was the point of going in?" the Fat Lady mumbled, even though it was only eight o'clock.
I paused at the end of the corridor. Where could she be?
It was in the library I found her. For a moment, I stood at the door and looked at her, sitting a few metres away, with her back to me. She was bent over some book, her red air falling to curtain her face like a cloth. I could see one slender finger tracing a line across the book, and could hear her gently whispering something to herself. It was a moment before I realised that I was holding the parchment rather tightly and that perhaps I should make my presence known.
I cleared my throat. She remained where she was, but I received an angry look from Madam Pince - the librarian. I walked a few steps forward, rather nervous, and gently tapped Lily on the shoulder.
She turned to see who it was. I stopped myself looking at her crimson lips which were slightly apart.
"Lily, I-"
Madam Pince hissed across the room: "Shhh!"
I sighed. Some people never changed.
I held up the parchment and pointed a finger towards the door. Lily frowned, not looking at me. After a moment, she sighed and strode towards the door, letting me follow like a dog.
I found her waiting outside the door, her arms crossed, leaning against the wall.
"What?" she asked, the impatience all too evident in her voice. She was still not looking at me, but was instead observing her shoes. Her lashes cast shadows on her cheeks, and in the semi-darkness, her green eyes glittered.
I cleared my throat, and held my trembling hand out with the parchment clasped in it. "Professor Slughorn asked me to give this to you."
She reached out, hesitated and then quickly took the roll of paper from me, trying to avoid touching me. However, her fingers brushed my hand. I felt a tingle in my arm. I could feel my heart quickening. For the first time that evening, she raised her eyes and looked straight at me, and I truly appreciated her beauty. I imagined her heart was beating faster as well. As I looked, two patches of colour rose in her cheeks, which combined with her glittering eyes, gave her an animated, excited look.
My traitorous heart wanted me to step forward and pull her to me again, but I resisted the formidable temptation. It was a tense moment to be sure. I could see her biting her lower lip, reddening it further, and I gulped as another pang of desire swept through me. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! I thought feverishly.
I could feel that she was wrestling with a decision.
Before I could stop myself, my mouth opened. "Lily," I whispered. "Forgive me Lily. Please forgive me." It was totally sincere. There was nothing unreal or forced about my plea. "I'm sorry." My heart bled. It was the truth.
And for an instant, I imagined that she would step forward and put her arms around me. I imagined she would comfort me and reassure me that I was forgiven. How mistaken I was.
She drew in a breath. "Leave me alone, Potter. Go away."
The fact that she used my surname - her old name for me - hurt me more than anything else could. I held out a trembling hand – which she ignored. "Won't you forgive me?"
She shook her head, delicate wisps of her hair stirring.
"Why?" I asked desperately.
"Because it doesn't make any difference to you."
"What are you saying?"
I could see her swallow, and there was a glimmer of tears in her eyes.
She spoke quietly, with emotion behind her voice. "Everything you ever do has a double-meaning to it, Potter. I thought you genuinely wanted to be my friend. I should have known that James Potter was incapable of seeing any girl as a friend. You thought you'd be nice to me for a few weeks and I would fall into your arms and be willing to... to..." her voice trembled slightly.
"No. You have it all wrong Lily, you really do. I was sincere. I am sincere. It was a mistake Lily. A stupid mistake."
She shook her head, brushing aside a tear. "How can you expect me to believe you?"
I stepped forward. "Look into my eyes, Lily. Look into them and you'll see I'm telling the truth. I didn't mean for it to happen. I was tired. So were you. And it just... just... happened..."
I could tell it was hopeless. Something flickered in her large, emerald eyes but she shook her head.
"The problem is, Potter, that if I give you a second chance, I'll end up getting hurt again."
She turned to go.
I reached out and caught her arm. "You won't. I could never hurt you."
"But you did Potter. You broke my trust."
She twisted her arm out of grasp and started walking through the library door.
"Lily," I whispered. Somehow she heard, and she stopped - despite herself, I could tell.
I put my hand to my heart. "If you go Lily... I can't... be without you." I could hear the tremble in my voice.
She looked at me – and again something flickered in her eyes – but hurriedly wiping another tear from her face she stepped through to the library.
I sank to the floor, leaning on the wall, and put my head in my hands.
Give it time, Dumbledore had said.
I felt that there really wasn't any hope. I could give her all the time in the world, and she would never forgive me.
I finally understood why some people who are in love decide to end their lives - it would, after all, be better to end it all, stop all the pain, then to live on in torture, agony and heartache.
I got up and slowly walked along the corridor, brushing the hair from my eyes, and pushing my glasses up the bridge of my nose.
As I was walking, I saw Snape coming in the opposite direction. He hadn't noticed me; his nose was in a book. Probably about the Dark Arts I thought. I was tired tonight.
I kept my wand in my robes, clutching it tightly in case he tried anything. As I neared, Snape I looked at him warily. He still hadn't noticed me. His hair was covering his pale face, but I could still see the glitter of his dark eyes through the strands of his black hair. He moved noiselessly, even while reading. We passed each other without incidence. I wasn't even sure he knew that it was I who had passed him.
A year ago, I wouldn't have lost the chance to curse or hex him. In fact, I would have done it to cheer myself up. But I had changed. She had changed me. And she was denying me that thing I most wanted: herself. I needed her to be a better person.
I slept straight through the night and into the morning. I woke up in the Hospital Wing, feeling absolutely dreadful and weak.
It was just before supper when she came.
That day was to change my life forever.
