Title: Caught in the Moment II - Reflections

Author: Peach

Disclaimers: They are not mine, and I'll let you know that I am broke to a point where I can't afford to spend $$ on a Starbuck coffee, so, don't even think about suing me. You won't even get your lawyering fees back.

Genre: This is more angst and romance... wow, what a change! gasp

Spoiler: I don't think anyone will be spoiled now, right? I mean, the episode's been over for... AGES... this is a post-ep for 01.20, Supply and Demand...

A/N: This is something new I am trying. I haven't done this in the series form in a series for quite a long time now, and definitely haven't done it for CSI:NY... but in order to understand this piece, it will be better if you have read part 1 of Caught in the Moment I, because, you know, this IS called Caught in the Moment II...

Feedbacks, I want feedbacks -- run out to put a sign on my front lawn -- I want feedbacks! I'll cry if I don't get any feedbacks… or I can go on strike…


Sullivan's was much quieter on a weeknight than Stella remembered - not that she frequented the tavern alone often. Normally, she would be there with the gang (namely Flack, Danny, Aiden, the occasional lab tech, and even more rarely, Mac).

Tonight, however, she was there alone, and she appreciated the quietness. After the day of emotional exhaustion thanks to a spoiled rich teenager, she would much rather spend the night in tranquility and simply allow her strung-too-tight body to unwind. The stress of the day, added to the emotional avalanche inside her for the past week since the heart-breaking conversation in her apartment, was finally catching up to her. She had made the one fatal mistake a cop - especially one with her experience - should never have made: she made a promise before she was aware of all the facts and the consequences involved. Nonetheless, she made Mac a promise that nothing ever said inside her apartment that night would not be mentioned again, and would have no effects on their relationship once he stepped out the door. That was nearly impossible, and she regretted having made that promise.

Jacky, the bartender whom she had befriended over the years, gave her a concerned look as he set down her Long Island Iced Tea in front of her. It was her third drink for the night, and she knew she would regret her decision to let herself relax the next morning when she had to work, but at the moment, she simply didn't care.

"A tough day, detective?" he asked conversationally when he was drying a glass.

Stella simply shrugged, and Jacky knowingly continued his task in silence.

It had not only been a tough day for Stella, but a tough week, even year or years. If she allowed herself to be honest (and there was no better time than the present since she was alone and already had a few drinks in her to loosen her up), she would admit that she had, in fact, had the same struggle for years. She had been harbouring the same feelings for the same unreachable man since before his marriage. What was different at the present was that she was aware that what she felt was not one-sided, but in fact, was returned.

Yet, there was absolutely nothing that could be done about that. He had refused to give in to the temptation, even with the promise of nothing ever leaving the apartment. He would not cross the barrier, she knew now more than ever, and she would never push him.

She had done enough pushing.

She wanted to get mad at him, but she couldn't, because she promised nothing would change outside her apartment. She could be mad at him when she was alone in her home, but once outside that sanctuary, there was to be no change, no barely concealed hatred in her eyes, no frigid undertones in her speech.

And so, she let her frustration loose with the teenager who had disregard the lives of her friends because she wanted to satiate her own greed and lust of wealth.

It came back to bite her, and even though she knew that would be yet another black mark on her file, she was secretly pleased that Mac was again on the receiving end of the IAB's wrath. Only she didn't anticipate the shouting match in front of the lab, and one of the most stern and serious dressing down she had received in the past few years.

It made her sick inside to argue with Mac. Their relationship had always been the one she counted on to be the anchor in her life, and it was unnerving to see their bond falling apart right in front of her.

One more sip from the straw and she finished another drink. Before she could catch Jacky's attention for another refill, someone caught her wrist. Turning to the side to tell whoever it was off, she came face to face with the man that had been haunting her thoughts for the past hours.

"What are you doing here, Mac?" she asked shortly. She was in no mood to deal with him.

"You are drinking way too much," he returned evenly.

"And it's your problem, how?"

Instead of answering, Mac gestured toward Jacky, who nodded, "It's all covered."

"Thanks, Jacky," the detective muttered before grabbing Stella's elbow and making her stand.

"You know I can get you arrested for attempt to assault?" she hissed.

"No, you can't, and you know it, and I know it," he retorted, his hand still strong on Stella's arm to make sure she was with him. "And you won't."

He was right, she wouldn't. There was nothing much she could do other than to curse him for knowing her so well, and herself for being so predictable.

Knowing that when Mac Taylor was on a mission, there was no stopping him, Stella followed him to his car. Ever the gentleman (or he just wanted to make sure she got into his car), he opened the passenger's door for her and closed it when she had settled comfortably. Tiredly, she leaned against the cool window and watched the road ahead. She could feel his gaze on her, but she chose deliberately not to notice, not to pay attention to his unasked question.

There was no parking space in front of her apartment, and Mac was forced to park further down the block. She got off the car automatically and led the way to her home. The night was getting chilly, and involuntarily, she rubbed her arms.

"Cold?" he asked, speaking for the first time since they got into the car.

She nodded, but didn't verbally answer.

She kept her eyes to the front, but she could hear him move beside her. Within a few steps, his suit jacket was placed gently on her shoulders.

Stella looked at the jacket on her shoulders, her fingertips brushing against the fabric gently.

She forced herself to not look at him, knowing that whatever in his eyes would be her undoing. She tried – really, she did – to act normal, as if that night in her apartment didn't happen, but it was obvious she had yet to fine tune her skills at hiding her emotions.

Finally, they were in front of her apartment building, and she turned to face him head on for the first time since he intercepted her "recuperate" session at Sullivan's.

"I think I can take it from here, Mac" she tried to sound firm, and cursed herself when her words slurred a little.

"I don't think so," he shook his head and, again, grabbed her wrists. She would have bee able to evade his grasp had the alcohol not double her reaction time. "Apparently, you and I need to talk."

She stood where she was and refused to move. After what seemed like hours, Mac finally looked up to meet her in the eyes, his gaze questioning. She refused to back down, though, and held on steadily.

"Stella?"

"We can talk here," she was adamant and afraid. She was afraid that if she let him inside her apartment again, she would shatter and there wouldn't be pieces to be put together again.

Mac paced in front of her for a minute, looking as if he was trying to think of arguments to change her mind.

"I'm really tired," she said again when he continued pacing. "Maybe we'll see each other tomorrow."

"I don't like the wall between us right now," Mac said, his voice gruff and he pinched his nose as he stood still in front of her.

"I'm sorry," she ducked her head. "I tried my best to not let whatever was said in my apartment that night came between us. I'll try harder."

"I don't want an apology, Stella."

"Then what do you want?"

"I want you to talk to me," he looked into her eyes hard and refused to look away. "I want you to tell me what exactly is happening to us right now."

"Nothing is happening," she was stubborn.

"And pigs can fly," he retorted and she looked at him wearily.

"Mac, you can't have it both ways. You said that night you don't want anything to happen between us, and so I'm trying to stay away from you. I need the distance after that revelation."

"And your way to dealing with that is to traumatize a suspect and get on the IAB's radar again?"

Stella shook her head weakly, "Don't do this to me, Mac. Don't push me away and expect me to act the same around you immediately. I am not a robot. I need time to digest what has happened and get my feelings in check before I can pretend to be normal around you again."

"Pretend to be normal?"

"I laid myself bare in front of you, Mac, and you shut me out and turned away from me. I showed you how I feel, and I almost begged you to start something with me. You shot me down, Mac. While I don't understand your reluctance, I accept that, but I need time. I can't do what you're expecting me to do. I can't just pretend nothing has happened between us. Please, don't push me. Give me some time to find myself again."

Without waiting for a response, she shook Mac's jacket off her shoulder and placed it back on him. Leaning in closer, she closed her eyes almost painfully when she saw him flinch at her action. Placing a soft and gentle kiss on his cheek, she pulled back and looked into his eyes, "I promised you we will be good, Mac, and I always keep my promises. I just need sometime, so, please, bear with me when I try to chase all the feelings I have for you away."

Stella could feel herself shattering in front of his watchful eyes, and she turned quickly to flee. She half expected Mac to follow on her heels, but when she realized she was alone, she knew she had hoped for too much. It had taken him a lot to have that conversation with her, and apparently, that would be the quota for his personal revelations for the night.

There was a war of emotions inside her and she wasn't sure what she was feeling at the moment. She was disappointed in Mac and how he was too afraid to let what might have been the most wonderful things in their lives happen; she was angry at Mac for stirring her feelings and leaving her to deal with the aftermath; she was frustrated with herself for not being able to let go; and she was heartbroken for the wedge it had obviously drove through them.

When Stella was standing in front of her apartment building, she was surprised to see droplets of her tears on the back of her hand.

Stella Bonasera was breaking down, and this time, she wasn't sure how she would pick herself up again. She couldn't do that, not this time, not when Mac wouldn't be there offering his support and his strength.

For all Stella knew, her world was spinning out of control.