Title: Emotionless
Author: kait, kate or k8. contact: katem_23@hotmail.com
Chapter: 7.

Disclaimer: I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter.

Rating: R

Summary: AU fic. At 36 years of age, Jess Mariano has become the last person he ever wanted to be -- his father. This summary is slightly misleading...it makes sense to me, does it make sense to my readers?? answer me!


Author's Notes: Sorry, another short chapter, I suck, I know. A lot happens in this one though...so beware! it's an important one. Thank you guys sooo much for your reviews, they mean a lot to me. This story kind of sucks for me because i'm used to writing fairly long chapters and so far these ones have been pretty pathetic. I know, and I'm sorry for it. I'll probably shove a whole bunch of them together further down the line. oh, i thought i'd let you know now-- this is going to be long. I've already thought of the title for the sequel (ooh, and it's good) and i've got a long ways to go before then, so good luck you're embarking on a journey. This just might be the first fic i ever happily complete. And so far, it's the one with the most chapters. Yeah but I am warning you - i have trouble finishing stories. So keep me interested. :)
i love you all. and don't forget to review! You all did so well the last time!

Ah, and one more thing...if Sookie suddenly seems grossly out of character, consider the situation.

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Rory slammed down the phone, and she nearly screamed. A senseless escaped her lips. It had been her mother.

Jess.

Jess was back, and he was in Stars Hollow. For several moments she sat- elbows on the desk, head in her hands, eyes closed. This isn't happening'. She hadn't been this scared since she found out she was pregnant. God, not this again'

She dropped the just finished article onto the desk and scribbled a message onto a post-it, sticking it to her computer screen.

She stood, and swiftly walked across her office, grabbing her jacket of the rack beside the door and slipped out the door. It was going to be one hell of a night.

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He was unsettled. Being in this room, waiting for god knows what, he couldn't take it. He couldn't handle not knowing whether Rory was coming back in two hours or two weeks. He had to get out.

Jess stood and crossed the room. He opened the door and strode down the hall, and then down the stairs. He needed food, and he'd been waiting too long already.

He looked around the dining room and noticed that it was dead quiet. Glancing around the main floor he noticed that for the most part it was abandoned. He saw light flowing from the sides and beneath the kitchen door and heard a couple voices.

Jess walked closer and knocked softly. Hearing quiet and then a firm come in escape from the interior of the room, he gently pushed open the door to reveal Sookie and Lorelai in mid-conversation. Sookie's eyes widened and Lorelai gave him an quizzical look. Can i help you? she asked
Uh, yeah...I was wondering if I could-
Sookie cut him short What the hell are you doing here? And why the hell don't you look mad? she said first to Jess then to her best friend.
Lorelai and Jess both looked at Sookie slightly aghast, she was fuming. Um, Sook? You okay, you're going a little bit...red. Lorelai stated
I should go. Jess turned to walk out
Yeah, that's it asshole, just walk out again. After all, we all know you're good at it.
Jess turned and looked back at her, excuse me? he knew he deserved this- he had expected it,- but it hit a lot harder then he thought it would.
You left Rory, and Atticus. Not to mention Luke. It's a pity that they ever needed you. she spat.
I earned that. he stated
Lorelai put her hand on Sookie's shoulder and for the first time in a long time gave Jess a sympathetic glance. Hey Sook, why don't you go brew some cof-fee. she pronounced clearly to her steaming friend.
Sookie nodded and turned away, giving Jess a glare before doing so. Lorelai motioned to a couple of stools beside a table just to their left, and the pair sat.

Something you need to share with me Lorelai? Jess gave her a quizzical look.
she averted his eyes.
His defences went up, Look, what do you want from me?
I want to know the same thing everyone does Jess. she said it rather calmly but her voice gained rapture as she continued, Why did you leave them? You loved Rory more than life itself. More than anything ever beforem and don't try to deny it because you told me that once. I don't know... she drifted off trying to contain the emotions pouring out of her, You obviously care about him enough to send money, so why did you leave? You loved them both and you left them to fend for themselves. she stopped abruptly noticing how intensely he was watching her.
He stood and looked back at her, That's what you want to know? That's the big question you've been harbouring inside for all these years? How long have you been waiting for this moment? Have you been mulling it over for years?
the answer was cold, stark and ripped silence through the already mute room. I want to know why you came back.
He paused, closed his eyes, and for a moment just respired. I needed to know. He choked on the words and leaned onto the coffee table for support, I didn't think it was going to be this hard.
Lorelai was focused on the first half of the statement, You needed to know what Jess?
I needed to know... he trailed off and a loud noise was heard from within the lobby. Lorelai walked out and returned nearly a minute later, a desolate expression on her face. Go upstairs. I will call you in five minutes. It was blunt and Jess knew it could only have meant one thing.

Rory was home. And she wasn't going to be happy with him.

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Twenty-three minutes and seventeen seconds ago Lorelai had called
to say that she was on her way; He had been waiting for a knock. His head was encased in his hands and he was breathing deeply.

It finally sounded seconds later and his eyes shot up and stared at the doorframe. It took him nearly a full minute to make it to the door.

When he finally opened it there it the loudest silence on the earth. Scared met Terrified, and a million thoughts came screaming out of both pairs of eyes, but their lips stayed stagnant. The past few movements had taken up nearly all of Jess' energy and he turned back inside and motioned for her to follow.

She sat in the wooden chair that sat adjacent to the desk, obviously set their purposefully. Jess leaned on the bed and glanced around the room, unsure of what to say. Rory never met his eyes.

Finally, she chose to break the silence You're the one who showed up, don't you think that you should be the one who starts? it came out harsher than she had expected but at least she had said something.
Jess was at a loss for words, finally he managed to get something out, I wasn't sure what to say.
Why are you here Jess? Rory didn't know where she was getting the strength from, she could barely think of him before and now here she was, the strong one in the conversation.
His defenses finally went up, and some of the cold, harsh, protected Jess returned I'm here because I need to know that I made the right decision.
With what? In leaving me - and your son? she was really mad now, she hadn't expected him to be so blunt What do you think Jess?
He couldn't say it. He couldn't tell her. Why had he come back here? The answers were clear, she wanted nothing to do with him. He couldn't even manage to say what he wanted. I think I'm going to leave in the morning. It was the polar opposite of what he aiming to say, and why he came but it would make everything easier for everyone.
Fine, It's not like it would be the first time. she stood, and walked towards the door.
Rory, wait. he said it like it would happen in the movies. Her hand touched the doorknob; his voice softened; she paused. Then she continued, she opened the door and was out of the room in mere seconds. Closing it behind her she walked as quickly as she could down the hall, waiting until she was in a new corridor before she collapsed to the ground, salty water slipping down her cheeks.

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Spasming in fits of tears weren't his thing, but the clock read 4:06 and he'd been doing it all night. This had been his chance - probably the only one he'd ever get, and he'd blown it. It was the kind of thing that either was a disaster, or it worked like clock-work. Unfortunately for Jess, the latter barely happened. He was lucky to catch a break, but he had gotten used to it.

Being screwed over from childhood can wear a person. When Jess had first arrived in Stars Hollow he hadn't been much of a person. He had acted like someone he wasn't because he didn't know who he was. A stranger within his own body. He could remember staring into the mirror for hours and looking into his eyes - the windows of the soul - and seeing nothing. Blank; Stark; Empty.

He had hit a place that no one should ever venture. And then he met Rory Gilmore. Of course, he managed to do what he did best within two years of meeting her - screw things up. And instead of finally becoming the person that he could have been, instead of taking a stand and actually developing a sense of self, he ran like a scared child and hid from the reality where good things happened to people like him.

He wondered if he was walking down the street if he would recognize his own son.


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Atticus rolled over in bed and instinctively his eyes opened and stared into the obtrusive red light. Something was bothering him, but he couldn't put his finger on what it was. He felt connected to something, and something was happening, but he didn't know what it was.

He stood and walked over to the laptop that lay on the desk across the room. Opening it, he started some music, and a grainy melody was emitted from the computer. He sat and wrote, his keys following the rhythm of the music.

His computer was one of his only assuages in life. It was an escape from the world, and it was a hell of a lot easier to type than to write everything out by hand. Plus, when he was typing his pace was faster, and therefore his work could be that much more passionate.

He had been reading a lot of Salinger lately. Salinger had passion. He liked his unbalanced view of the world, it comforted him in knowing that he wasn't the only fucked up one in this world.

Although he did know of one person more fucked up than himself, his father.