Title: emotionless
Author: kait.
Chapter: 13.
Disclaimer: I own all the characters you don't recognize because they aren't on the show. Other than that i own the computer that i'm typing on, and the cd that's playing on it...but i don't own that band...or the song...or anything else for that matter.
Rating: R.
Author's Notes:
Go read Cry of Emotion. Now. It's posted under the lovely Chris, and it's co-written by the lovely me.
Also, sorry this chapter took so damn long to get out. It's the last chapter, so enjoy. Reviews would be appreciated.
Lastly, I would like to dedicate this story to two people. Firstly, Chris - She is my inspiration, my friend and my god. I love her. Secondly, to Kat, because she is also amazing and a great friend. I love both of you, and I couldn't have created and continued this fic without you guys.
Thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed. Your words mean the world to me.
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You must admit it. You've got a post-sex glow to you. Oliver commented.
You're delusional. Answered Dominique.
The Chilton three were seated in Teal's library, two of them sipping mimosa, the other nursing herself awake by means of Irish coffee. While Oliver sat prominently in a high-back chair, and Teal made her best attempt at not spilling anything on the satin-covered lounger. Dominique sat in the bay window, overlooking Teal's backyard, and answered only when necessary.
Did you fuck Dodger Mariano or what? Teal asked
Dominique rolled her eyes. "You're both bothering me. You." she glared at Teal, "Stop being petulant."
Teal sat up. "And what? Be you?" She flipped her hair. "Bittersweet and evocative Dominique."
"I think the word you're looking for, is bitch." Oliver added before settling back into his FHM.
Dominique yawned and looked back out the window. "The two of you bore me much too often."
Teal rolled her eyes, Fine. We'll change the subject to something other than last night. What about... she pondered it for a second. Nope, I can think of nothing more interesting than Dodger. You've heard about his father?
Oliver sighed. What the hell is so great about this guy anyway? So he's mysterious, ignores most Chilton girls and was left by his daddy. I don't get why you all drool over him.
And because for Teal everything was one-dimensional, He's hot, what more is there to get?
Dominique continued sitting, looking out the large window. It was funny she never shared her actual thoughts with her two best friends. She never shared her thoughts with anyone. She dug as deep inside of her self as she could, and buried them. Somewhere underneath the grade eleven Physics formulas that she would never need again and beside the random facts of distance from when she was little and she would study maps. She always wanted to get away. To run.
Oliver was bewildered, There's got to be more to it then that? Is it the bad thing? Because I can be bad.
Teal snorted, Oliver you couldn't be anything more than try to be bad if your father's bank account depended on it.
What were you saying about his father Teal? Dominique's voice never faltered, even though she was worried to learn that his problems from last night had little to do with her.
I'm trying to remember who, told me... her eyes lit up, Ah yes, it was one of the help that only works part-time. She also works over at the Gilmore residence.
Oliver nodded approvingly,
And she said that she heard Richard and Emily talking apparently his father has returned. she raised her eyebrows at Dominique, Quite interesting, don't you think Dominique?
She looked over her shoulder, I'm sorry, were you speaking?
If you paid too much attention, you would be seen as weak. If you paid attention at all, you would be mediocre. If you were a selfish, heartless bitch, people would bow down to you. She supposed life was just like that.
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Atticus spent a great deal of his life thinking about his father. He used a great deal of energy to convince others that there was nothing missing from his life. Trying to convince himself that there was nothing missing.
The truth was anyone with half a brain could hear his story and know it was bullshit. Any quack with a diploma could take one look at his behavioral patterns and know that it was a plead for fulfillment. But it was just a temporary one. A short release, that would tide him over for a few hours.
Lately though, the tiding over period had been shortened dramatically. To the point where it did nothing. Perhaps it was just the fact that his latest roll in the hay was one of the only two girls he'd ever cared for.
He finally got what he wanted, but it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't want her to go back to the way she was before.
And it all had to do with Jess. In the end that was all it came down to. His father. The stupid bastard that had left him. He could deal with that. The fact that he came back meant that his father couldn't be as bad as previously thought. Which sucked. It really, truly sucked. Because he was finally moving on with his life. He had finally detached himself from the hate, the resentment, the pain and the fear. And then he had to go through it all again. He had to back and revisit it all.
The amount of traumatizing events that occur in the life of an average teenager is ridiculous. The amount of shit that people he knew had to go through during their years of teenage hood was unfathomable. No one was normal. Not one person he knew had the perfect' life. He supposed life was just like that. But still, everyone had their vice. Everyone had their weakness, their sore-point. Except for Tyler. Tyler had stability.
She embodied everything that Atticus had ever pretended not to want. And she wanted him back. It was more than difficult to think about. He couldn't open up to her though. He couldn't tell her the things he had gone through because he could not taint her perfect world with the flaws of his own. The ugly, nasty scars that marked his self. His soul, if he still possessed such a thing.
She didn't deserve that. She didn't need to be shown a life that she should never worry about. Hers was perfect in the way that Rory's was not. Because Tyler, unlike the woman who gave birth to him, was not naive. She knew what she wanted, and she knew what reality was like.
But for some reason they could never make it work. And perhaps that should have been his first clue to give up and move on. But like Dominique she infected his brain.
Maybe Tyler was right, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was just some psychological disorder he suffered from. He was drawn to girls who were bad for him. He hated psychology. He hated the people that walked around with diplomas cursing others for their flaws, never once realizing that they don't look themselves in the eyes when they stare into the mirror.
Sitting up in bed, he came to a realization. He stood up and walked outside, on a mission. He needed to know, no matter the price.
He was sick of questioning himself. He was sick of pretending not to care. He was sick of his life. He was going to find Tyler to ask her what the hell he said to her.
Fortunately enough, before he had even moved 100 meters from his apartment he saw her standing in the gazebo that was in the center of town. He mumbled a curse, wondering what she was doing there, and then noticed the look of distress on her face.
He climbed out of the Jeep and made his way over to her.
he jogged up What are you doing here?
She glared, What's it to you? She was acting like a child, but it was okay, because she was well aware of it.
Well I was going to go see you and then you were here. You aren't here looking for me are you?
She snorted, In your dreams Dodger. No I happen to be here for a more family oriented purpose. she rolled her eyes. My parents are once again living up to the Rockwell tradition of perfection.
What's that supposed to mean?
What do you think it means? It means that they don't think Hartford is the right place for them to retire when they are ready to, so they're looking for a more...eccentric place to live. she scowled, I think they found it.
He swallowed, You're moving to Stars Hollow?
Looks like it. Hey, we can carpool! she added sarcastically.
At least someone that lives here will have a mild grip on reality. he said lowering his voice. He eyed her carefully.
Yes, I'm still mad at you.
He let out a sigh.
You should know why. If you were too drunk to remember that's your own fault. she looked over his shoulder, I should get going. See you tomorrow.
Bye Tyler.
As she walked away she looked over her shoulder once, her face carried a hint of regret, but she turned away too quickly for him to be sure whether it actually existed. Maybe it was another game his mind was playing with him.
The entire world was against him, it would just make sense if his mind joined along with them.
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How Jess managed to piss her off so easily confused Rory. No one got on that side of her that quickly. Although it was understandable that if anyone would, it would be him. He had always been the volatility in her life. She missed that. She had tried to replace it, but he was a person, he couldn't be replaced. As much as she hated to admit it.
Two weeks ago he was nothing but a faded memory of her past. A character that played for two years before leaving the show. He was gone with the Harvard paraphernalia that she ripped off the wall when she found out she was pregnant. But now he was sitting in front of her, and she was trying to keep control of her emotions. Trying not to get angry, or sad, or feel anything towards him at all. Because all she really wanted was for him to be dead to her. But it would never happen, because as much as she tried to deny it, she still loved him.
Jess looked at her questioningly.
No, he hasn't mentioned you. He didn't leave his room for two and half days, so am I to anticipate that you sought him out?
his eyes carried a seriousness that she still wasn't used to, I ran into him at Doose's, it wasn't planned.
He was pretty shaken.
You said he didn't mention it. Jess looked at her pensively.
He spent 52 straight hours in his room and then when he did go out he got completely drunk, passed out and had to have his best friend bring him home. That isn't exactly well-adjusted behaviour. Or perhaps that's what being a teenager was like for you.
No. One day you'll find out what being a teenager was like for me. It wasn't ornamented with flowers and scented candles, I'll tell you that much right now.
Shut up.
Why? Because I'm not allowed to feel bad for myself Rory? I've mad some bad, bad choices in my life. But I don't regret them all. In fact, I don't think I regret any of them. But maybe if I hadn't made some of them, I'd be dead right now.
You aren't the only person who has been screwed over in this life Jess. Do you really think it was easy raising a child when I was eighteen and trying to go to college? Do you think it was easy for me to move him to the worst part of New York City? Knowing full and well that he was doing things I didn't even know existed when I was that age, but not being able to do a thing about it? How do you think that was?
I'm sure it was extremely difficult. he said sympathetically.
It was. she said, taking in the fact that he was being kind. I understand why you left.
I hoped you would. I never wanted you to forgive me - I don't deserve that much - I just wanted you to understand why I did it.
And I do. I... she paused and smiled, You missed some of the best parts of life. When being a parent is just the sweet, and there's no bitter in the air. The moments when you aren't screaming at each other about drug problems and staying out all night. When he was five, Luke tried to teach him how to play soft ball, only he would always miss. So he set up a T-ball stand and tried to teach him how to swing. her smile widened, He hit Luke in the crotch 3 times before he gave up. Now Jess was smiling too, happy to be let in on a memory, even just a small one, It's a good thing mom was pregnant already, I'm not sure it would have happened after that incident. She noticed the smile that had just been there was suddenly erased. Is something wrong?
Lorelai and Luke? Kid? Luke has a kid?
Two actually. she cleared her throat, They're twins. A boy and a girl - Hudson and Kennedy. They're thirteen, and quite a handful.
Wow, I never thought he would actually have kids. he stared at the opposite wall for a moment before continuing. I'm glad him and Lorelai finally figured it out. That was meant to be. his gaze fell onto Rory.
Some things just are. she smiled somewhat awkwardly, And some things aren't.
And you don't think you can change that?
Yes. It all has to do with the choices you make...the leaps of faith. Even the stupid mistakes that turn out wrong can sometimes...be right. The room seemed to have increased in temperature, because Rory was fighting the urge to fan herself and a blush was creeping onto her cheeks.
I never stopped loving you.
That was random.
Thank you.
You're making me uncomfortable Jess. You can't just show up and expect everything to fall back into place where you left it. she was getting angry just from listening to her own assumptions. It isn't fair to the people who have spent too long trying to forget the past.
Would that be you?
If it was?
Then I'd tell you that no matter how hard you try to forget the past it doesn't change the fact that it happened. What you felt back then was real. he turned her head towards him, What you feel now is real.
What? Hate? she wouldn't allow herself to fall back into him, she would be left hurt and alone, just like the last time. She needed to actually learn from her mother's mistakes this time.
I'm not leaving. You have my word, and this time, it actually means something. Don't be afraid of yourself Rory.
She stood and walked towards the exit of the room. Her hand touched the knob and her forehead crashed into the door. I'm not afraid of myself, she said meekly, beneath her breath. She got more courage, I'm afraid of you, moreover, she looked back at him, I'm afraid of loving you again.
He stood and walked over to her, placing a hand behind her neck. Don't be, I'm not going anywhere. He leaned in and kissed a paled cheek.
She looked up, into his eyes, hoping to god she wouldn't make the same mistake twice. Neither am I.
Before the puzzlement could reach his face, she was kissing him. It was a needy, edacious kiss and it all but knocked him off his feet. Instead he simply backed up in the direction she was pushing - towards his bed - and prayed to god that everything would turn out okay.
