Glossary:
Shikon no kakkera - Shikon shards hamaya - purifying arrow kowai ka - scared?
arigatou - thanks (casual)
ano - excuse me/erm chotto - a bit/a little naze - why yappari - as I've thought so/I knew it ningen - human chichi-ue - respectful way of addressing one's father tadaima - Im back!
okaeri - welcome back!
'nee-chan - affectionate way of calling one's elder sister (Souta calls Kagome like that in the anime)
denwa - phone Kagome desu - I am Kagome ureshii na - Im so happy!
eeto - erm sou ka - I see konbanwa - good evening ja - well/then sumimasen - sorry daijoubu - it's alright/it's ok!
"I never knew what mortal love was about, it seemed familiar yet complicated;
Just like a pillar of white wispy smoke, one can see but not reach it."
- Excerpts from a Chinese Classic.
"Inuyasha, perhaps we should try our luck and see whether there are any Shikon no kakkera outside," Miroku proposed, hoping that the hanyou would agree and they would be able to keep a lookout for Kagome. If she had indeed stayed in their time.
"Aa, I could also go home and sharpen Hiraikotsu," Sango added quickly, hoping that Inuyasha would nod his head and that they would be able to catch a glimpse of Kagome.
"And.. I'll go with you!" Shippou said loudly with a large smile, almost too enthusiastically.
Inuyasha looked at his three friends, only Miroku's face remained calm and cool as before. Sango was staring anxiously back at him and the kitsune was almost fidgeting around. He narrowed his amber eyes a little, but decided to keep it to himself. He knew that they wanted to search for Kagome, and he too desired to seek the truth. Kagome would never betray him, she loved him, as much he had loved her.
He lifted his head and looked into the bright sky, "aa, we shall come back for the New Year."
Kagome tried to turn to her side, and realized that she could not. Her right arm was in pain, her right calf was in pain, her head was in pain too. She felt all weak, like a puddle of melted ice-cream. She lifted her left hand ardously to her forehead, wondering what had happened.
Kikyou. And her hamaya. Sesshoumaru.
Her eyes shot open and the intensity of the pain doubled instantly. She had dreamt of him, lying in a pool of his deep red blood. Lifeless and motionless, like the way she had seen him when he was kneeling and barely breathing. She winced, dragging her left hand down across her pale face to her right shoulder and paused. She could feel the rough texture of bandages around her shoulder, and it was too tight for her preference. Sesshoumaru obviously was not a good healer, either that or he thought her to be as hardy and strong as him.
Her deep brown irises darted around, and she realized that she was not lying in the open snow. In fact, she saw dusty walls with cobwebs, old broken clay vessels, and a tattered straw curtain. It was a dilapidated hut, and there was an old musty scent to it, reminding her of her grandfather's storeroom in the shrine where he kept all his prized treasures. Kagome managed to push herself up after some heaving and struggling, and realized that it was really a very small hut. She saw a small basket of fresh green herbs for external wounds with her yellow backpack beside her, and loose snow all around the dusty wooden floor.
There was a small fire built around some stones, and the hut was warm, to her delight. Kagome looked down and her eyes widened when she saw that her towel had disappeared from her body. She was naked, with nothing covering her except his heavy furry pelt.
"Whatever does he think he is doing!" Kagome thought angrily to herself as she dragged his heavy furry pelt up to cover more of her exposed upper torso. Then she smiled.
She could smell his strong masculine scent on the furry pelt, and it was unusually warm. She was not sure whether it was her body warmth, or his. She pulled the furry pelt up higher and rubbed her cheeks across it, reveling in the silkiness and softness of it. It reminded her of his hair, the way it felt in between her fingers, how straight and smooth it was as it laid docilely within her own raven curls. Kagome blushed at the next train of thoughts that followed, inwardly feeling glad that he was nowhere around. She recalled his teasing remarks, the snowball fight, and the way his swollen lips parted in desire for her.
She could not help but to feel grateful towards Sesshoumaru. He had rushed to her aid, protected her from a dangerous miko even though he was blind, and even sourced out a covered shelter for her recovery. He was an extremely proud person, but the fact that he had taken into considerations of her modesty and went through so much effort touched her deeply. Kagome ran her fingers lightly across the gauze on her right shoulder, and the blush intensified when she tried to imagine how he had done it with only one hand.
"You are awake," Sesshoumaru walked into the hut almost noiselessly.
The smile was promptly wiped off her face, and her large doe-like eyes stared back at the taiyoukai nervously. He was standing beside the straw curtain, carrying a wooden basin of what seemed like water with a old washcloth draped over it. There was nothing alarming about him, other than he was staring back at her.
"You... can see?" her unsteady voice shook a little. There was no bandages around his eyes, and she could see his stark golden eyes staring back at her. She felt unnerved, naked and exposed. Silly thoughts ran through her mind and she swallowed, despite the pain that was gnawing at her right shoulder and calf.
What if he doesn't like what he sees? What if he regains his memory when he sees me? What if-
"Kagome. Kowai ka?" he walked slowly and sat down gracefully beside her, placing the wooden basin of water on his thighs. Sesshoumaru could detect the frightened tone in her voice and wondered why. Did she not wish for his sight, too? Or was she afraid of something else? Similar thoughts ran through his mind and he promptly dismissed them as silly.
She stared into his wide golden irises that were not as round as Inuyasha's; the color was like cooled molten gold, rather different from the hanyou's warm amber. It gave her a jolted feeling, neither pleasant nor unfriendly. She had seen the same pair of eyes up close, staring mockingly and dangerously at her in their father's tomb, but the sensation was different then. She was not sure whether he could see, since he just stared silently at her without moving.
"Iie..." that was not really the truth, but what else could she say?
Sesshoumaru blinked, "you are not good at lying."
Kagome gulped, and dared not look away, "I'm... I'm not. I'm just... surprised."
He wanted to smile at her fear, and laugh at her outright lie, "this Sesshoumaru still cannot see."
She felt as if the invisible chains shackled around her were broken immediately and let out a long breath that she thought was too audible for his sharp ears. "Sou ka... but your eyes look much better now."
"Hn," Sesshoumaru could hear her faint sigh of relief and turned his face away. He did not know whether he should feel glad that she was no longer tensed, or frustrated that she was still frightened of him. Was his presence that intimidating sometimes? Or were there other unknown reasons? He wet the washcloth with the icy river water and gave it a hard squeeze.
"Clean yourself up," the moist rag laid on his outstretched palm.
"Arigatou," Kagome nodded once and took the washcloth, giving her face a careless wipe. She stole a glance at him, he was still sitting with his back straight and stared into space as usual. But there was a melancholy air about the way he sat, and it bothered her.
"Ano... how many days have I slept?"
"Three"
"Where is Rin and Jaken?"
"Somewhere."
Kagome laid the washcloth on her side and looked down. She wanted to go home, and not stay with him. Sesshoumaru was behaving oddly again, giving his curt and short answers. Then it suddenly struck her that he was slowly changing into his old self, and that thought made her heart heavy again. All the odds seemed to be against them as a couple together, perhaps it was best that she should leave him now. Kagome was sure that once Sesshoumaru regained his memory, he would not acknowledge their 'more than ally' relationship and simply toss it out of his brain as trash. Kagome could not fathom how naive she was sometimes.
She was silent again. His eyebrows dipped to the center, perhaps he was not engaging enough. He was never a conversationalist, and believed that actions spoke louder than words. He paused in his thoughts, wondering where that had come from when she let out a small cough that she was obviously trying to hide.
His head swung back to her, "are you in pain?"
Kagome tried to smile, even though she knew that he could not see, "hai. Chotto."
The frown deepened, he knew that humans recovered slower, but still.
"Kagome."
"Hai."
"Why are you frightened when you thought that I could see?"
She froze, not knowing how to answer him. She could not possibly tell Sesshoumaru all that. Yet she knew that she could not lie, a part of her brain mused to herself that he was the best lie-detector and he should be working for the military if he was in her time, while the other part of her brain tried to think of an answer.
"I... am not pretty," she blurted out honestly in desperation and kept her head bowed as she stared at his furry pelt. It was getting a little yellowish and she wondered whether he would mind her scent on it. Kagome suddenly felt very small and insignificant, as if she had just confessed her sin or admitted her deep dark secrets to a parent or a teacher. Sesshoumaru remained seated and motionless, not knowing what to say of her insecurity and fear.
No one knew how long, but he finally broke the uncomfortable silence.
"Does it matter?" he thought his question sounded a little familiar, until he remembered their argument over Hauru and Sophie.
Kagome sniffed, "you might.. dislike me."
Sesshoumaru quirked his eyebrow up, "and why is that so?"
"Because I am not pretty nor clever nor strong enough."
"Enough? For what? For who?"
She bit her lower lip, he always asked her questions that she could not answer. She hated it.
"Why do you ask anyway?" she frowned.
"You have not answered my question."
"Are you interrogating me?"
"You can put it that way if you want to," he replied nonchalantly.
Kagome glared at the taiyoukai, inwardly hoping that a big stone would crash onto his head from nowhere and knock him out. He was more irritating than Souta sometimes and it irked her to no end when the look of indifference did not go away, as if questions were ijust/i questions and nothing else. He had said that she was inquisitive, and she thought that he was equally curious, perhaps even bordering a little on being a busybody.
"And why do you want to know? Why are you always so curious? Does it matter to you then?"
His eyebrows relaxed, she was throwing her tantrum and her voice held that tone of defiance again. It was a good indicator that she was not so frightened of him anymore, "aa."
Her deep brown eyes rounded, "huh?"
He replied solemnly, "yes, it matters to me."
Her lips parted and she blushed. He did not seem one who would put others above him, and that answer made her felt somehow special. He cared about her, and that was more than enough. She had done it, she had somehow wriggled her way into his heart, like Rin. But what about Inuyasha? Did she not love him anymore? What about her family and friends? What had he exactly meant anyway? Perhaps she was like Rin to him? Her eyebrows creased and she shut her eyes.
"Naze? Why do you care? Why did you not leave then? Why did you stay? You could have got purified by her hamaya, you could have got yourself sealed forever. You-"
"Why did you cover me?" he interrupted her.
She fell silent, not knowing how to reply him again. With Inuyasha, this was never a problem. With the observant taiyoukai, her every single word and action was under scrutiny, and sometimes she wondered whether his eyes had magnifying abilities.
"What are you going to do when I recover?" Sesshoumaru finally gotten the damned question out of his mouth.
Kagome paused for a while and replied resolutely, "I will return to Inuyasha and my friends. We need to hunt for the remaining Shikon no kakkera."
He closed his eyes, yappari... "Kagome, what if I do not recover? What if I remain blind for the rest of my life? What if my memory does not return to me?"
Her lips parted at his 'what ifs'. It seemed to be the longest sentence that he had said in a long while. Kagome looked up as he opened his eyes and turned his handsome face to her slowly, his long silver hair straying away from her naked thighs.
"What if I want you to stay with me?"
She blinked, twice. A thousand thoughts and wretched emotions bombarded against her mind and barged through her heart. Her brain could not function anymore, and she simply looked at his expressionless face. His heavy silver bangs were covering his eyes partially, and she wanted to push them away. They obstructed her view of his eyes, and she thought there was something swirling within his clouded irises. She raised her good left hand, and gently parted the silverish curtain with her fingers, careful not to make any physical contact.
He could sense her movements, and instantly caught her wrist with his right hand gently. She let out a gasp and wanted to withdraw, but his grasp was firm and she could see the strong bold maroon stripes that adorned his wrist as they went around it. He wanted to pull her to him, but decided against it and shifted his position nearer to her since she was injured. His hold on her wrist relaxed, his hand slowly traveling up her trembling arm, to her bare shoulder, before he finally wrapped his only right arm around her gently, mindful of her wound. Kagome closed her eyes and leaned onto him, resting her head into the crook of his long neck. They remained in that position for a long while, hearing nothing other than each other's synchronized breathing and the soft cackling of the fire.
Kagome smiled, she admitted to herself that she loved to be in his embrace. Inuyasha had none of the patience nor gentleness that Sesshoumaru had. The few times that he hugged her were rough, sudden, and out of his bursting fierypassion. Not that she did not like it, but they happened because he thought that she almost died, and this made her question about her importance and value in his heart. Inuyasha never hugged her like the way Sesshoumaru did now. It was silent, peaceful and almost loving. Not out of desperation, nor out of passion. She could hear and feel the slow, steady beats of his strong youkai heart, and wondered whether she was inside it. Kagome wished for nothing than time to stop there and then, for eternity and all that she cared.
Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and ran his fingers down through her soft warm hair, then wrapping his arm around her waist. He rested his chin on her sweet-smelling head and tried to imagine how she looked like. Long wavy hair, eyes that would talk, smooth fair skin. He loved the silence and the peace that they shared. Though no one spoke, but both knew that they were contented, and happy. Truly happy like that. Sesshoumaru asked himself what was so wrong about it, that Kagome seemed to want to run away from it everytime he came near? Was he not better than his half-brother? Was he not enough for her?
"Kagome, stay with me."
She frowned, why did he had to break the silence? Why did he always ask for the impossible? She refused to open her eyes, and continued to play with his long silver hair, twirling it around her fingers. Round and round.
"Kagome."
He could feel her eyelashes brushing against his neck, and her soft sigh. "You don't know what you want," her warm breaths tickled his neck.
He raised his eyebrows, was she saying that he did not know himself well enough?
"You won't think like this, when you remember everything," she continued before he could ask.
His eyebrows dropped to a frown, "and why is that so?"
Kagome smiled bitterly, "you hate me, you hate Inuyasha, you hate ningen."
Sesshoumaru tightened his hold around her, "I know what I want Kagome. Do not doubt this Sesshoumaru."
She buried her face into his neck, not knowing what to say or do anymore. She was not sure whether she could trust his words, not that he was a liar, she was just not certain about their future together. There were more pressing issues on hand, Naraku, Inuyasha, Kikyou and her friends. And what about them then?
"Why do you want me to stay? What do you want me to say?"
It was his turn to sigh, and he seldom did that. He knew that it would not be easy, but he had never imagined that it would be this difficult. Kagome thought too much, and asked for too much. What could he promise her? What did she want from him? Did she want promises of eternal, everlasting love? One that would never sway with changing mountains and bending rivers, nor the four seasons that come and go?
"Kagome, what do you want from me?"
She wanted to cry. All these was too much for her to handle. She knew that she liked him, a lot, but the remaining knots in her heart regarding Inuyasha were not settled yet. She felt as if she was betraying him behind his back, letting Sesshoumaru do things to her that only lovers would. They seemed to ask each other many questions, and it gave her a splitting headache. She knew what she wanted; to be with him, free from the rest of this world if possible. But she knew that it could not be, and she felt a responsibility towards Inuyasha too.
And why did Sesshoumaru wanted her to stay with him? What was his intention? Did he like her? The way she like him? All these were indeed too much for her; Kagome finally broke down and sobbed. She had been going in circles in her mind for so many days. The tunnel was long, and dark. She could see no spark of light, not even the faintest glimmer of it. There was no future for them together at all. It was utterly hopeless.
Sesshoumaru could feel her searing hot tears sliding down his collarbone and onto his chest; her body trembling hard as she tried to swallow her cries. He felt something coiling around his heart, so tight that he almost could not breathe. He hated this feeling, he hated to see her upset and wounded, and he hated more when she could not tell him. Was it so difficult? So terribly hard that she could not say a single word? Could he not help her at all? Was it that impossible for them to be together?
And on top of it, did he like Kagome at all, the way he liked her? The coil tightened, and spikes seemed to grow out from it as they pierced, fully intending to draw blood from his heart. At that very moment, he remembered everything about her; her face, her body, her voice, the way she moved, the way she laughed. His lips parted at the sudden jolt of memories returning back to him, all revolving around her and no one else. It happened a long time ago, so long that he could not even remember how young he was when he had loved her. He remained motionless while Kagome cried, his mind filled with memories and flashbacks of his past with her. Sesshoumaru finally understood why he had almost forgotten her, and why he had tried so hard to erase her from his mind. She had left him, even though she had told him that she loved him, more than herself.
Lies, a pack of lies.
Her love for him could only stretch with the days of his chichi-ue's kingdom, and sustain on the power while it lasted. She was a youkai, one who wanted nothing more than power, security and riches. And he had done every possible thing for her out of his love, entrusting her with every bit of his heart. He was too naive, and innocent. Not wise enough to see through her pretense and her thin wavering affections for him. He could recall the nights that he laid with her, the sunrises that they watched in each other's arms, the lands that they roamed and laughed together. The warmth of her kisses, the way she called his name, the twinkle in her eyes when she teased him. He refused to believe that she did not love him, but the end-result proved him wrong. She had left him for another when his father died, giving him no reason other than a cold parting glance. And he had sent her to her grave personally, along with the other man. For the hurts and shame she had dealt on him.
He thought his heart had bled dry, until he met Kagome. Or till he lost his memories, and the gate that he had placed around his scarred heart. Rin had managed to wander on the outskirts, near enough the high imposing bounds but not in. Whereas Kagome simply melted everything and walked inside, as if nothing had happened.
Sesshoumaru squeezed his eyes shut, she was gone. He had been set free of her, a long time ago. But he was scared, to let another come in. The risks were too high, such an investment was not worthwhile. But all these were pushed away and refuted outright when she stepped into his life. Kagome had taken care of him, even though he was almost deemed as her enemy. He could not remember everything, but he could imagine what had happened if he could personally kill his first love. She had cared for his health, his safety, and worried for his life. She had sacrificed herself willingly when she thought that he could not handle the threat. Was this how she had melted the barriers and gained his trust? Had she unknowingly replaced the once occupied but now empty position in his heart?
Was he prepared to take the risk, again? Was he prepared to let her occupy the throne in his heart? Was he prepared to scale the heights of the emotional hill in his heart, with her?
"Sesshoumaru, I wish to go home," Kagome had stopped crying, her eyes were swollen and she was tired. The excruciating pain from her right shoulder was numbing her mind, she thought.
He nodded his head, they needed time apart. Perhaps he had asked her too early, perhaps she was not ready yet. Perhaps he was not that sure, afterall. Or perhaps, there was no need to make clear of anything at all.
"Aa, I will send you home," Sesshoumaru opened his eyes, the damned coil refusing to leave his heart.
"Mama, tadaima..." Kagome dragged her dirty yellow backpack on the ground with her left hand as she hobbled painfully and slowly up the curb to her shrine house. It felt good, real good to be back at home. She had not been back for a month, and she wanted to do nothing other than to lie on her own soft pink bed. And not think of the two inu-brothers.
"Kagome! Okaeri!" her mom wiped her hands on the apron hastily and rushed to the door when she heard her daughter's voice. She was finally back from her travels, and she had coincidentally made her favourite food that day, oden. But when she saw her daughter's pale tired face and the bandages around her calf, the smile lines around her eyes vanished.
"Kagome, what happened! You are injured..." she frowned as she took over her yellow bag, her arm seemed to be wounded too.
"Aa, chotto... don't worry, I'm fine!" Kagome tried to give her best cheery smile as she hobbled awkwardly up the stairs to her bedroom. "I'm going to bathe and sleep first, don't wake me up ok?"
Her mother frowned, Kagome was not being herself and she could see through that forced smile immediately. She let out a sigh, Kagome was obnoxiously stubborn, yet strong and independent too. The elder Higurashi comforted herself that if she was back in one piece, then she would be alright. Her daughter was as strong as her mother, she thought to herself and went back to her oden.
Kagome sighed to herself happily as a smile lit up her face. Nothing in Sengoku Jidai could beat the modern convenience of hot water, taps, electricity and soft, soft beds. She lowered herself into the small one-person bathtub and drew her legs up, gently probing the healing wound on her calf. "Jinenji's herbs are really good..."
She let her fingers rest on her right shoulder as her left thumb caressed the wound that Kikyou had gave her. A shudder ran through her spine as she recalled the look of determination in the undead miko's dark eyes. Kagome thought that she had gave up on her soul, until that fateful day at the onsen. She could have lost her precious little life, if not for Sesshoumaru. But then again, she had been so willing to let go of it when Kikyou had aimed for his chest instead.
She shook her head, she was not supposed to think about him. "There'll be a scar..." she fingered the dark-red round swollen wound, inwardly sighing again that she would have another battle momento on her body. She rested her chin on her knees, and stared at the cool green tiles of her bathtub for a long while, pondering over whether she should let Inuyasha know.
But what good would it do? Yet she feared for her life. They were bound to meet her, and would have to work with her eventually. Many a time Kagome had wished for her death, that Kikyou would just disappear from the face of the earth, and return the rest of her soul. And she would end up berating herself for being vicious and selfish.
But was Kikyou not selfish too? She had wanted the death of Inuyasha, she had wanted her dead.
"Still..." Kagome closed her eyes. She was going around in circles again. With Inuyasha, with Sesshoumaru, she seemed to see no ending, nor conclusion to their relationship. She had promised Inuyasha that she would never leave him, while Sesshoumaru had asked her to stay with him. Her heart faltered when she imagined the look of betrayal on Inuyasha's face if she decided to stay with Sesshoumaru. But her heart ialmost/i broke when she thought of his expressionless mask and the cool golden eyes. She could not see his emotions on Sesshoumaru's face, but she knew that he merely chose not to reveal. And that endeared him to her even more.
She was not sure who she like or love by now. Everything was a piece of misty haze. And if she ever tried to search within the haze, it would just turn denser and thicker. Perhaps she should not think so much, and let nature take its course. Perhaps she should forget about everything, and not return to Sengoku Jidai. Perhaps she should just get herself a boyfriend and stay in her time for good, study hard and get a decent job.
"'nee-chan! Denwa!"
Kagome could hear Souta's low gruff voice and yelled back, "aa!" She thanked the call, whoever it was, it had prevented her from dwelling in her never-ending circle of thoughts and from turning into a prune. She hastily dried herself and changed into her home clothes, disregarding the wet drops of water that dripped from her soggy hair. Kagome cursed the existence of stairs as she hopped down on her good leg, from step to step. She hoped that the caller would be one of her friends, someone to take her mind off. Eri would gossip about the latest news of japanese pop celebrities and fashion, Yuka would talk about her never-ending change of boyfriends, and Ayumi would go on non-stop about her botany studies.
Kagome smiled, "Kagome desu!"
"Higurashi! Ureshii na!" the voice from the other end sounded particularly happy.
"Ano... Houjou-kun?" "Hai! I've called so many times! But your family always said that you were out..." She laughed nervously, "eeto... I've been rather busy recently..."
"Can I come over now?" she thought Houjou's voice sounded particularly excited too.
"Now?"
"Aa, I have something to tell you!"
"Sou ka... alright then."
"I'll see you later!"
Before Kagome could reply, he had already ended the call with a click. She really did not want to see nor talk to any guys now, especially Houjou. But the delicious warm smell of oden wafted into her nostrils and all was forgotten as she tried to skip to the kitchen with one leg.
"Higurashi!" Houjou smiled brightly at Kagome as he stood on the steps of her small house nervously.
"Konbanwa..." Kagome tried to ignore the pain in her shoulder and smiled back.
"Are you unwell again?" he could see the bandages around her leg and that she was leaning heavily on the other.
"Ah... I fell into a drain," she hoped that sounded convincing enough.
The handsome young man frowned a little, "you must take care of yourself Higurashi. I have brought some vitamins and tonics for you."
Kagome thought that she was indeed a good liar, contrary to what he had said, "arigatou Houjou-kun!"
He passed the bottles of vitamin drinks to her and fidgeted, twisting his left ankle around for a good while before he finally popped the question. "Ano... this coming Saturday is my 18th birthday, and my family is throwing a birthday party for me. Would you like to come?"
Kagome's eyes rounded, so that was his aim... She thought hard, perhaps she should go, but then again it was his family organizing the party. She was not his girlfriend, nor intend to be. It would be good not to go, lest confusions arise.
"Um... I might not be free this Saturday. Sumimasen."
She thought she had never seen a more disappointed face before, his eyebrows drooped to the side and he stopped his shuffling, "ja... daijoubu desu! I should have told you earlier!"
Houjou scratched the back of his head and laughed out nervously, trying to hide his disappointment. He had wanted to introduce Kagome to his quiet cousin, who was a few years older than him and still a single. Perhaps he should ask Ayumi then, she seemed like a nice girl too.
"Take care of your health Kagome, maybe next time we can come out again!" Houjou waved his goodbyes and turned on his heels.
Kagome nodded her head with a tired smile, closed the door, and wished that all men would disappear from the face of the earth. As she fell flat-faced onto her pink bed, she thought that pillows and blankets were her best friends. She could feel Buyo spreading and stretching his limbs over her butt, and Kagome smiled to herself as she drifted off to sleep.
Even Buyo.
A/N: Writing this is almost becoming painful for me. I apologize for the lack of flow. Gosh. Reviews? )
