Chapter Four: Palpatine's Research
"I'm nervous, Master," were Anakin's first words upon entering the quote, unquote moderately sized abode. In truth, the young Jedi suspected it had previously been used for (crowded) droid storage. Obi-Wan told him not to worry; there was nothing inside that they couldn't handle.
When the two walked into what they thought was their room, a horrible sight met their eyes. For there, dancing about and singing into a hairbrush was Yoda (don't ask what the brush was used for, I honestly don't know but that is some weird-ass denial right there).
"Forget what I just said, my Padawan," Kenobi said while Anakin's eyes popped.
"It burns, Master," he moaned, shielding his face as Yoda began to do a dance that reminded everyone a bit of Britney Spears… which was quite scary. So the two Jedi booked it back out into the hallway, crashing into Jar Jar Binks. They asked if he knew whose room was which, to which he replied that hesa supposed it was first-come first-serve. To which Anakin responded, "See ya!" and sprinted for the room furthest from Yoda's. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes before walking after his apprentice.
"Oh, yousa don't need to do that, General," the annoying and culturally offensive creature called after him. He turned. "Miss Moore said that wesa each get our own room."
"Our own room?" Obi-Wan asked. "But how will I keep an eye on Anakin?"
Jar Jar shrugged and ran in the direction Anakin had and bolted into the room second furthest away from the Dancing Yoda. Obi-Wan quickened his pace and gently wrapped on the third door. No response came, so he entered—this time putting a defensive hand over his eyes… just in case. Yet the room was empty, so that was the room the Jedi Master could now call his own. He used the Force to shut the door behind him and flumped onto the bed. Oh, that felt nice after waking up at four in the morning to beat traffic and get here on time. He closed his eyes and was just beginning to feel the warm hand of sleep on his mind when a loud tapping came from the wall to his right. He opened his eyes and looked around. A muffled voice then met his ears:
"General, can you hear me? Itsa Jar Jar! Mesa speaking to yousa from the wallsa—I mean wall."
Obi-Wan turned and found with horror that was true. Should he pretend he couldn't hear Binks so he might eventually lose heart and stop?
"Hello? Hello?" Tap tap tap tap tap! "General? GENERAL!"
"Yes I can hear you, Binks!" Obi-Wan finally shouted, feeling a vein somewhere near his temple beginning to throb. Oh dear, this was going to be a long two months.
Anakin heard his master yelling but could not really do anything about it. For at that moment, Chancellor Palpatine hovered by his open window in his transportation vehicle. The man motioned for Anakin to come open the window, which he did.
"Chancellor… what—"
"Well surely you want to win this little thing, don't you?"
Anakin stopped. He replied that, yes very much.
"Then consider what I am about to tell you some friendly advice. You will not only be eliminated by your fellow housemates. I just heard that viewers at home will be casting votes on their computers! Now, I did a little research on other programs like this and found this, traits all past winners have had that helped them gain the edge over their opponents, thus gaining more popularity with the folks at home." He took out a sheet of paper from his glove compartment and began to read aloud. "Shy. Polite. Good sense of humor. I quote, "Dishes juicy gossip about other housemates when interviewed privately". Attractive. I quote once more, "Lots of shots of them when they're fresh outta the shower. Props to the penizous and breastsizous and—" oh my! Well you get the point," Palpatine concluded, folding up the paper once more.
Anakin ran through the list in his mind. "Yes. I will do my best to win this contest. Thank you, Chancellor."
DAYS ONE – SIX (well… it technically day one already started, but the contestants were all sleeping previously)
Anakin walked out of his room and saw that his Master's door was open. He peered inside and crept to the suitcase that still lay on top of the bed sheets. The young Jedi used the Force to shut the door and thought about what he was about to do. Wasn't this technically spying on his Master, indirectly? His hand—just above the suitcase—paused. But then the Chancellor's words ran through is mind:
"Do it. It is the only way you can save Padme."
"What!"
"Erm—I mean—the only way to get good standings with the at-home audience."
Anakin shook his head to clear his mind. Finally he decided that yes, it was all for the best. He opened the suitcase. He rummaged through the contents; an extra robe, toothbrush etc., briefs—
"Ew…"
Socks, deoderant… but oo la la, what was this? Anakin raised the item to be in front of his hazel stare and smiled broadly. Oh this was better than he could have hoped for! Anakin placed it back in its rightful place, closed the suitcase, and headed out the door.
He made his way down the stairs into the main floor of the house (yes, there are two floors). Once inside the living room, he saw Yoda and Jar Jar sitting on the couch conversing with one another. As he passed, he caught a brief sample of what they were saying (for if one was to have the "scoop" he would need to be all eyes and ears).
"So then says I to him, pimples that grow teeth and spinal column normal they are not."
Anakin stepped into the kitchen and saw his Master sipping a glass of water, making a face, and then continuing to finish it up.
"Honestly, Anakin, if that water was any more sludgy, it would have a pulse!"
"I'm sorry, Master," he said as politely as he could.
"Oh don't be. It's not your fault the stuff is practically solid. So, how long have you been up?"
"A few minutes, I guess," scanning the room quickly for a clue as to where the cameras might be hiding. He saw something shine in the upper right corner of the ceiling and smiled with satisfaction. Okay, now he knew what to look for in the other rooms. He returned his gaze to the other Jedi and thought of what else Palpatine had told him winners should do. A good sense of humor was on the list… but did he know a single joke? Well… only one.
"Um, Master?"
"Yes, my friend?"
"Have you heard of the new mint-flavored birth control women take?"
"Why, no my Padawan."
"Yeah, they're called predickaments."
SOME 12-year-old boy's HOUSE
"Hahahahaha! Timmy, get in here! This Anakin guy's a riot!"
BACK TO THE KITCHEN
"Oh I see," said Obi-Wan, obviously oblivious. "But why are you telling me this, my Padawan?"
Anakin knew he was going out on a limb here (pun intended). "For your mom."
"And why would she need to know about these "predickamints"?"
The Jedi shrugged. "All I know is she's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by satellite."
SOME OTHER 16-YEAR OLD'S LIVING ROOM
Joel and Harrison rolled on the ground, calling for their girlfriends to come see. They arrived and saw something a little different…
KITCHEN
"I—" Anakin stood, paralyzed with shock at his own words. "I am so sorry, Master!" He knelt down before a gaping Jedi. Anakin took one of his hands and clasped it in his own two. "Can you forgive me?"
It took Obi-Wan a moment but finally he found his voice. "Yes… of course."
"I will meditate why I said those things."
"Yes…"
With that Anakin stood back up, while millions of light-years away girls and their mothers alike were cooing with respectful adoration. Before long, a week had passed and Brute Force was the most popular show in two galaxies! Rating soared through the roof and Anakin was the painfully obvious favorite. Every morning, Palpatine would show up at his window (for there were no cameras in the bedrooms) and give him advice. On the sixth day, Anakin was told they would have their first one-on-one interviews.
Perfect, Anakin thought. A chance to dish out what I discovered in Master's suitcase…"
