Chapter Five: Interviews

Every contestant would have a day to be interviewed. And it just so happened (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that Anakin was first. Anakin stepped inside the little booth that had been set-up before they had entered the house. It was a small corner of the first floor near the bathroom for assured privacy. He pulled the black curtain shut and sat down on the small provided bench.

"Alright," he began. "If you ask me, the one I'm voting for to go is Yoda. Seriously… not only does he sing and dance like a wannabe pop star when he thinks no one is looking—oh yeah," he assured. "He does. Not only that, but that old coot is just a hindrance and annoyance to you folks back home," he winked, "And us. I mean how old is he? My point is he should take a break for spotlight, cuz you know you're past your expiration date when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet, and lemme add, I believe that suits the Oompa Loompa fine." Anakin paused, wondering for a moment if he was going too far. Yet Palpatine had told him this was the time to let loose all of his feelings, the dirtier the better.

"Tuh, and Jar Jar… he's so ugly, when he walked in here, I was like 'Dang, is it Halloween already?" He swallowed nervously, knowing he'd have to speak about his Master soon. "But that other guy! If he were any more introverted, he wouldn't be on this show at all! Do you folks ever even see him? And Obi-Wan…" was popularity worth it? I have fan-mail pouring in for you when you get home, Anakin Palpatine had said. Yes, it was worth it. "You know what he keeps up in his room? G-strings, moisturizer, and about five gallons worth of hair gel." He had said it. He had said it and now the entire universe knew. The question was, would Obi-Wan know it had been Anakin who had spilled the beans? Would Obi-Wan even find out? He hoped not.

"Well that's my time," he waved to the camera and flashed a pearly white smile before exiting.

SOME 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS' SLEEPOVER

"Beverly, did you hear that?"

"Oh my gosh, yeah! We have to tune in tomorrow and see what else Anakin says!"

"Totally, Wanda. Hey, Serena, can we use your computer to vote Yoda off the show? If Anakin doesn't like him, neither do we."

And thus the votes flooded into the network. By this point it wouldn't matter who the contestants wanted off, the viewers were two ample to be ignored. Soon enough, the elimination day arrived.

ELIMINATION DAY:

The five males turned on their television and saw Sly Moore's face on the screen. She told them that the votes were in but nonetheless they each had to say aloud who their choice was for the one to be eliminated.

Obi-Wan was first. "Personally?" He looked from side to side nervously and began to wring his hands. "Well… I have to say that even though my room is two doors away from him, Yoda can cause quite a racket at night."

The fifth one nodded. "And I second that."

Jar Jar, looking relieved decided to go along with the majority. "Yes, mesa agrees."

Anankin blushed and tried to look shy and embarrassed for the ever-growing female half of the viewers. "Well… if everyone else is voting that way, I suppose I will too."

Yoda looked shocked and kept gaping at the other four. How could he, a Jedi with his own cult following, be voted off before that god-forsaken orange amphibian over there? However, when Sly Moore told him that he had a day to pack up his things, he stood up nobly and said,

"Think this is a wise decision I do not. Yet leave, I will."

"Sorry, Yoda," Anakin said, patting the green creature's shoulder warmly. "But hey, maybe it's best for someone of your age to take it easy."

He nodded and went upstairs.

YODA'S INTERVIEW

"Understand I do not. The most wise and well-liked I thought I was. Most surprising was it to me when Obi-Wan wanted me off. Trusted him I did." He shook his head sadly. "Oh well." He stepped out of the booth and muttered, "At least no one found my Cher CD…hm… now where did I put that thing?"

OBI-WAN'S INTERVIEW

"He was playing it so loud every night and every morning… I just had to confiscate his CD! What would you do if you were forced to hear 'Strong Enough' every time you walked down the hallway?" Kenobi's voice had risen to a shout. He regained control of himself and began again, softer. "The point is, I think living will be a lot easier when he is gone."

While his Master was in the booth, Anakin went off to search for more items of interesting gossip. Which meant of course, snooping about Kenobi's room. He went through the closet and saw nothing but two robes, belts, and pants. How dull! Next was the personals drawer. Yes, the scandalous underwear was still there (buried, of course). But soon he found…

"Master's diary?" He smiled unbelievingly. Oh this was too good to be true!

Obi-Wan stepped out of the booth and went to search for Anakin. He felt he needed some conversation after seven days of solitude or conversing with grammatically incorrect green and orange aliens. He went up the stairs and heard a door quietly being shut. There was Anakin, creeping about. But wait… what door had been shut if…? Oh, it was hardly important.

"Anakin!"

The younger Jedi's heart raced and stopped short at the same time. He felt a cold sweat wanting to form, but he commanded himself to act natural.

"Yes, Master?" He said sweetly and turned around.

"I need to speak with you," Obi-Wan said, walking to be next to his pupil.

"Really?" He gulped softly. "What about?"

"I honestly couldn't care less. Anything except ancient laws and frog people!"

Anankin's shoulders relaxed and he inhaled for the first time in thirty seconds. "Of course, Master. Shall we speak in your room?"

"Uh, no!" Obi-Wan forced a laugh to cover for his suddenly loud voice. "No, no, your room would be better. Better view from the window, yes? Yes. Let's move along…"

Anakin held back a smirk as they walked past the other Jedi's room.

ANAKIN'S ROOM FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER

Not three seconds after Obi-Wan left the room emotionally refueled and ready for lunch, Palpatine tapped on the young Jedi's window. Anakin opened it with the Force and remained seated on his bed.

"Oh Anakin, you have made me so proud! Do you know that you are the favorite of 98.99 percent of the viewers? The additional percentage is split between the other contestants. Anakin..." he smiled. "You have this won. Might I add that bit about General Kenobi was quite entertaining! A few more secrets like that and may the Force help the others!"

"I found my Master's diary," he offered.

Palpatine clapped his hands together. "Splendid! Not too much now, or the viewers will grow to expect it and start to get bored. Always leave them wanting more. One secret a week should do it. Now, what do you have in store for the others?"

"I had not planned anything, Chancellor."

"Then may I suggest something to help get rid of that... is it a fish or something?"

"You mean Jar Jar?"

"Yes, well, I had an idea to help along with his elimination. I just happened to be cruising by his window and saw this," he held out a key.

"What is it for?" Anakin asked, though already knowing the answer.

"A key to get in and out of this house. Ooh, now that's against the rules isn't it?"

"Are you sure it belonged to Jar Jar?"

Palpatine gave him a look that asked, Are you kidding? Anakin reached out to take the key, yet the Chancellor shook his head.

"Wouldn't it look odd for the viewers if you came out of your room carrying this? Why don't I just put it 'back' in his room for you?"

"Thank you."

Palpatine nodded and went out of sight.

DAY TEN

Sly Moore appeared on the screen and informed the four contestants that a major rule had been broken and thus, Jar Jar Binks would be immediately removed from Brute Force. He furrowed his brow (does he have a brow to furrow? Eh, creative leniency) and asked why?

"Because it was brought to our attention that you, Mr. Binks, were in possession of a key to the house."

"What!" He cried. "No, no, no! Yousa mistaken!"

"One of the contestants found it in your room, Binks! The footage does not show him or anyone else for that matter entering the room previously so it could not have been planted. Thus, the blame falls on you. Please collect your things and be at the front door in twenty minutes."

With that the television went black and Jar Jar was left looking helplessly at the other males.

"Yousa believe mesa, right?"

No one answered.

"Anakin," he continued, moving to be sitting next to the now terribly uncomfortable Jedi. "Yousa my friend, yousa trust me, right?"

Whether it was for self-preservation or lack of words, Anakin remained silent and watched as the pathetic, shoulder-slumped alien shuffled sadly up the staircase. Palpatine had told him that he was doing a service to the show... but then why did he feel so guilty? Obi-Wan was looking at Jar Jar, but Anakin could not read his expression. The other guest looked like he couldn't care less. He adjusted something on his belt and got up to grab a soda from the fridge. Now he would be hard to get rid of, Anakin found himself thinking. Ugh! Why was he thinking like that? It wasn't his job to eliminate everyone! Leave it to the viewers, that would be his new philosophy.

A PARTY OF OLD PEOPLE (JUST PRETEND THEY EXIST, OKAY?)

"Look at that thong-wearing pansy, Gertrude!" Lillith said from her spot in front of the punch table. The TV screen was flashing with images and opening credits. Now it was Obi-Wan who appeared onscreen.

"I know," Jerald spoke up. "Disgusts me. And did you hear what Anakin said last night?"

The crowd gasped, No! What? Jerald smiled as everyone circled around him, the only one who had stayed up late enough t watch the newest installment.

"Well, he said that once, Kenobi had held his light-saber upside down and accidentally chopped off all of Yoda's hair! And that's why he's nearly bald!"

"You don't say!" Everyone gasped again and murmured to each other. "What else? Did he say anything else?"

A 9-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY

"Yeah," Casey said to her friends. "He said that that weird guy's drawers are entirely stocked full of makeup!"

"No way!" Michael shouted.

"Way! Maybeline, Revlon, you name it! He's even got colored contact-lenses!"

"You mean his eyes aren't yellow naturally?"

"Nope," Casey smiled smugly. "And his face is probably as purple as yours or mine! I can tell you one thing, I'll definitely be voting him off!"

"Me too!"

BACK TO THE OLD PEOPLE'S PARTY

"Me three, Gertrude!"

"First man-thongs then makeup! Poor Anakin is the only half-decent one on the blasted show!"