Chapter Seven: Those Security Holograms Have Nothing On This Chapter

(PS I use some Monty Python humour here… but don't we all?)

Obi-Wan grasped his head in both his hands and knelt to the floor, hyperventilating and trying to think clearly for a moment. Who? Who could have done this? (Couldn't resist)

While the other Jedi was busy rolling about on the ground in the fetal position, Maul figured it might take a while for the hysterics to stop. So, he went into the bathroom to check on his rouge. But before he had a chance to fix up the little spot of his real skin that was showing through, pounding footsteps met his ears. It must be that brat, Anakin. No matter, with his Master in his current "state", that child was no match for a Sith Lord like Maul. He stepped out of the lavatory with his light-staff drawn.

There was Anakin sure enough, kneeling down to his Master with a worried look on his face. He then glanced up at Maul with creepy yellow-ish eyes.

"You…" the boy said with a lower voice than usual. His eyes were now red and yellow, much like Maul's (hint, hint Lucas). Anakin stood up slowly and drew his own light-saber (remember, Palpatine gave it to him. Just checking) and raised it above his head to begin his attack on Maul.

"What have you done to my Master?"

"What have I done?" The Sith asked innocently, proceeding to extend an accusing finger at Anakin. "I merely told him of your doings and he fell into shock! Or…" he looked down in disgust at the puddle of drool forming around Kenobi. "Or…something."

Anakin gulped, despite the eeeeevil eye colouring. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh yeah, Anakin, I found out all about you whoring yourself off to gossip and the cameras! I saw it on the television today: "Anakin, local and universal favorite." I of course needed to learn more, so I stayed tuned in. Sure, it was against the rules to watch the news but the hell with it, I'm a Sith Lord!"

Obi-Wan stopped in his convulsions for a moment to listen.

Maul continued, "You were the one who told the world about my makeup! I just didn't want to kill you upstairs because then we couldn't draw this interesting parallel to the real movie! I mean… yeah. You were the one who planted the key in Jar Jar's room—not that I care mind, you. Cheers. How you did it, I don't know, but like I said, I couldn't care less. You were the one who made the audience want Yoda off the show! Although, you didn't really influence it that much, but whatever. So, what have you to say now, Anakin Skywalker? Shall I tell Master Kenobi who it was who stole a peak into his suitcase, rummaged through it, found thongs and the like, then proceeded to tell the entire universe about it?" Anakin wiped some of the Sith's spittle off his face. "Shall I? Or would you like to do the honors?"

Anakin looked down at his Master. He needn't have said a word though, for in Obi-Wan's eyes there was betrayal and pain.

"It can't be," he said up to his young friend with a shuddering breath. "It can't be! You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!"

Some 9-year-old's house

"Heehee! Heehee! Obi-Wan's GAY! Heehee!"

The Kitchen

"Obi-Wan…" Anakin could not find any words to explain himself. For maybe there were no words, maybe some hurts were too deep for explanations; maybe the author is a lazy lump.

Before the story had any more time to develop a moral, Maul raised his light-staff and brought it crashing down at Anakin. The latter jumped out of the way and backed up to buy himself some time to evaluate the situation. Alright, chopping him in half seemed to work last time, so maybe—

"Wait a minute!" Anakin cried, causing Maul to momentarily stop. "You're dead already!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You died in the first one!"

"I'd had worse."

"You liar!"

"It was only a flesh wound."

"Oh for the love of—"

Saving the author from any more copyright charges, Obi-Wan leapt up and used the Force to bring the toaster oven to his hand. With that, he banged Maul over the head and the Sith Lord went unconscious.

"Master," Anakin said, lowering his weapon and kneeling as a sign of respect. "I do not know how to apologize."

"Oh…" Obi-Wan said with a smile. "I think I have a way." Anakin did not trust that grin. "But we will tend to that later, for now, we must get revenge on this Maul here. Bring me a wet paper-towel and we shall see how tough this one is without his mask."

Anakin went to the sink and fetched what his Master had requested. Once he brought it back to Obi-Wan, the latter began to furiously scrub at the Sith's face. It took a good ten minutes but by the time Darth Maul opened his eyes again, it was to two laughing Jedi.

"What?" Maul asked. Yet neither human was fit to give him any answer but choking laughter. "What!" He went to the bathroom to see if the cause was anything on himself and boy was it!

"OH MY—force? OH MY FORCE!" He clapped his hands to his face kind of like the Home Alone cover and fainted right then and there.

Tatooine University

"Holy crap! Ulysses, did you see that?"

"Dude… Darth Maul is really—

Naboo Elementary

"MICHAEL JACKSON!"