Chapter Twelve: Unraveling the Suspense
Anakin and his Master plummeted towards the bottom of the bottomless shaft (…) where they saw huge spikes on the floor and lions parading around. After wondering how the lions' feet were not killing them, Anakin had to think fast. Now let's see…what batman-esque equipment had he now to save him?
Parachute? Nah. Anti-gravity belt? Nah. AHA! Weird grapple-hook-thing! Anakin whipped it off of his belt and raised it high above his head, the hook clinging to the side of the wall. He grinned and began to climb back up. Suddenly, Anakin felt a tug at his waist and soon found himself plummeting just like he had before! He looked down and saw that Obi-Wan had been using the Force to pull him down! How dare he?
In a rage, Anakin managed to land on a lion. He flipped off his Master and was then abruptly pulled onto Obi-Wan's lion.
"Don't you even think of escaping here without me, Padawan!"
The apprentice leered at being addressed so patronizingly.
"Even though it was I who saved your skin ten times," he added as a mutter, "Ya thong-wearin' fruit."
And with that, the Master's fist collided with the Padawan's face. Anakin rolled on top of the lion, so that he was above his Master. The two Jedi clawed at each other's perfect, flawless, gorgeous faces… ohhhh yes… Erm---I mean----yeah. So Anakin kneed Obi-Wan in the chest, Kenobi elbowed Skywalker's chin, and finally yanked at what he knew to be a source of Anakin's shame…the wig.
It came flying off and landed on one of the lions' heads (thus gaining it millions of fangirls and a movie contract) and left Anakin completely bald.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Anakin," said the author, rushing up on a lion. "I'm afraid you've said that too many times in this fanfiction. We need you to cut down."
"Oh, sorry." He cleared his throat. "WHY?"
"Much better, thank you." And with that, Arden rode off.
"Hey!" cried Obi-Wan. "Let's follow her out of this place!"
"Good idea!" said Anakin, forgetting for a moment that now the entire universe knew about his…problem.
Once they had escaped the plot device---erm---hole, the younger man was then fully reminded of his friend's treachery. He hopped off the lion and used the Force to a) throw Kenobi off and b) toss the lion into some other story.
LORD OF THE RINGS"Come on, Gimli!"
"Legolas?"
"Yes, Aragorn?"
"Where is Gimli?"
Legolas and his friend turned to see a lion lying on the ground with its stomach bulging and a sickeningly content look on its face.
Legolas and Aragorn: "Ugh…"
BACK TO OUR SHOWAnakin marched up to Obi-Wan, grabbing him by the collar and staring straight into his eyes. He demanded of the older Jedi what had possessed him to stoop so low!
"Anakin!" Obi-Wan cried, throwing up a hand in disgust. "You ratted me out far before this!"
"Well… yes that's true. However… um…" he searched for a point. "Howwwwwever…"
The author whispered something in his ear.
"Ah yes. However, those weren't even your thongs! So it wasn't even that much of a personal blow to your pride. Whereas this!" He released Kenobi with one hand and motioned up towards his own shiny head. "This is very much a personal blow!"
"Anakin, it will teach you modesty."
"And build character, too, I suppose?" he sneered sarcastically.
"Yes exactly."
Anakin threw his Master back to the ground and whipped out the light-saber that Palpatine had given him. With the Force, he held Kenobi's throat tight and----
"STOP!"
Anakin and Obi-Wan turned their heads this way and that but even the author was nowhere to be found.
"Who's there?" asked a miffed Anakin.
"It is I… GOD—er---I mean…the Force?"
Obi-Wan cocked his head. "The embodiment of the Force?"
"…Yeah, we'll go with that."
Anakin spoke. "What is it that you wish, Gawd?" He said, pronouncing the title with some newbie-esque confusion.
"You, young Skywalker, must not kill your Master."
"Oh thank Heave—er—Force Netherworld?"
"Why not?" Anakin cut off Kenobi with an angry growl.
"Because," spoke God. "Let's see you explain to a kajillion fans with no real lives to speak of that the single reason for their existence, the original Star Wars trilogy, will NEVER EXIST."
"I…do not understand, Gawd," Anakin said to the sky (yes they are outside. Where you ask? Um… a grassy field) (shut up).
A loud sigh could be heard throughout the valley (field)… throughout the field. "Of course you don't. Just put down the light-saber and I'll make everything alright."
"You mean you'll erase the minds of all the billions of people who just saw this numb-rod expose my deepest, darkest secret?"
"Erm… sure, we'll go with that."
