A/N: Okay, this is only my second fic that doesn't revolve around the Marauders, and my third that isn't slash, so I hope everyone likes this. It is AU in that a certain someone from HBP is not dead. If you've read it, you know who I'm talking about.
Disclaimer: I will say this once and only once. I do not now, nor have I ever, owned Harry Potter.
Chapter One
The First Official Meeting
"Okay, everyone, let's come to order," Parvati said, as she paced around the seventh year boys' dormitory, hitting her hand with her wand for emphasis. She glanced at everyone else, and was irritated to notice that no one seemed to be listening to her. "I said COME TO ORDER, YOU BUNCH OF DIMWITTED NINNIES!"
Everyone was silent for a moment, staring at Parvati in shock. Seamus, who was lying on his bed and trying to Dean off of his feet, was the first to recover, saying, "Did you just call us ninnies?"
Parvati turned to glare at the Irishman and said, "Yes. Yes, I did. Now, as I was trying to say, before I was so rudely interrupted by the weakling ninny of an Irishman over there," Parvati used her wand to point accusingly at Seamus before resuming her pacing. "I would like to call to order the first official meeting of Hogwarts' Official Matchmaker's Club-"
She sighed as Neville raised his hand, wanting to ask a question. "Yes, Neville? What is it now?"
Neville looked around at his friends nervously before saying, "Um, how can we be an official club? Have you turned in an application to McGonagall? Because if you haven't, then we can't be Hogwarts' Official Homemaker's Club, now can we?"
Before Parvati could answer, Dean fell off of Seamus' bed in surprise and said indignantly, "Wait, this is a homemaker's club! I'm not a homemaker!"
"Neither am I!" Ginny piped up from her spot at the foot of Harry's bed. "Parvati, what's this all about?"
"That's what I'd like to know," agreed Lavender, who'd stretched out on Neville's bed and had been trying to discretely smell his pillows for the past five minutes. "You said we had a mission, something earth-shattering to accomplish that could change people's lives!"
"Yeah," Harry said, while trying to keep from staring at Ginny, who'd moved just a tiny bit closer to him. "What kind of earth-shattering, live-changing mission do homemakers have? Not that I want to be a homemaker, mind."
"WE ARE NOT STUPID BLOODY HOMEMAKERS, YOU STUPID BLOODY DIMWITTED NINNIES!" Parvati shouted in irritation. "We are Matchmakers, you stupid-"
"Ninnies?" Dean supplied helpfully, when she couldn't seem to find the right word.
"Quiet, you ninny," Parvati said. "Now, as I was saying, we are matchmakers, not homemakers. There is a big difference. And if you will stop interrupting me, I will tell you what our mission is. Got that?" She glared defiantly at her audience, all of whom seemed to be somewhat afraid of her. Good.
When everyone nodded, Parvati continued her course around the room, tapping random objects (and people) with her wand. "Good. Now, I was thinking that in this difficult time, everyone needs as much happiness as they can possibly get. Not to mention that in the long run, no one wants to be lonely. Plus everyone's going to need a partner for the Christmas Ball next month…"
The guys sighed in exasperation as Lavender and Parvati both squealed in anticipation, and even Ginny had a dazed, excited expression on her face at the mention of the upcoming Ball. It had been the talk of the school ever since Dumbledore had announced it the previous week. "Um, Parvati?" Harry said, tentatively reaching out to touch her arm. She jumped in surprise at the contact before shaking herself and returning to the matter at hand.
"Right, thank you Harry," She said before abruptly turning around and continuing to pace in the other direction. "As I was saying, no one wants to be lonely, and everyone wants happiness, so it's going to be our mission to help certain people out in both respects. Now, I was thinking that-"
But she was interrupted once again, this time by Lavender. "Wait, Parv, what do you mean by 'help certain people out'. How are we going to help them?"
"Isn't it obvious, you ninny?" Parvati said, raising her eyebrow imperiously. "We're going to pick out certain couples who aren't, you know, couples yet, and then we're going to help them out. You know, get them together. But only couples who would be absolutely sickeningly perfect together, but are too busy being stupid ninnies to figure it out on their own. Is that clear?"
"Er, yeah," Lavender said dubiously.
"Excellent. Like I was saying, I think our first targets-"
"Wait, targets?" Harry said, raising his eyebrows in confusion. "Why're we calling these poor, er, ninnies targets? And what makes you think we want to be matchmakers?"
"Look, Potter," Parvati snarled, jabbing her wand in Harry's face dangerously. "We are going to be matchmakers, and we are going to like it. Is that clear?"
"Er. That is to say, um. Yes." Harry said, visibly gulping. Parvati could be quite dangerous when she so chose.
"But why're we calling them targets?" Neville asked daringly.
Parvati glared at him before growling, "Because I said so, you stupid dimwitted ninny. Now as I was saying, our first targets should be two people we all know and love, and who, more importantly, are too incredibly stupidly dense to realize that they do, in fact love each other. Not to mention want to shag each other senseless."
"And who might the, um, 'targets' be?" Dean asked as he resumed his seat on Seamus' knees.
Parvati ignored Seamus' indignant response (Gerroff me, you git!). "That is an excellent question, Dean. Our first targets will be Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger – that would, of course be why they're not here."
"Of course," Ginny said, inching just a little bit closer to Harry. "So, um, how exactly are we going to get them together? A love potion?"
The black-haired girl groaned at the absolute ignorance of the people in the room. "Of course not, you ninny! For one thing, they already love and desperately want to hump each other. Besides, the only one of us who could possibly brew a love potion is Hermione, and she can't know about this. Even if one of us did manage to successfully brew one, and we gave it to one of them, it still wouldn't work. I mean, one of them would fall in love with one of us, and we don't want one of them to fall in love with one of us, because none of us knows any antidotes for love potions, so we couldn't cure one of them, so one of them would stay in love with one of us, and that just wouldn't work, because none of us is in love with one of them." Parvati said this all very fast.
There was a moment of confused silence, as everyone tried to figure out exactly what Parvati had just said. "Er, right," Ginny stated.
"So," Parvati said. "Any ideas?"
A/N: First, I want to say thank you to my dear friend and roommate Kendall for the inspiration for this fic. I also want to say that you should consider this a promise: If you don't call that boy, I'll do it for you, and you know what I'll say to him. So call him. You ninny. Anyway, to everyone else: please review!
