A/N: Sorry this has taken so long to update, but…well…I've been busy. And I didn't feel like writing anything. Anyway, I think I should say that some of the characters may seem a little out of character, and I'm almost positive that Ron and Hermione wouldn't write these sort of letters to each other, but this is meant to be a funny story – besides, they're not actually writing them. Oh, and in this story, Harry and Ginny did not get together in book 6 – for, er, possible plot purposes. I think I should also note that the contents of this chapter might qualify for an M rating…so I might have to change the story's rating. I'll be sure to let everyone know before I change it, if I do. Sorry if anything I put in here about them bothers anyone…Anyway, thanks to all of my wonderful reviewers, and I hope you continue to enjoy! Oh, yes, and because I also like writing slash, you might see a few hints of it, either in this chapter or later ones...


Phase One: Letters.

Chapter Two

"So," Parvati whispered to Harry, taking a seat beside him at the Gryffindor table for breakfast a few days later. "Did you guys finish your – um – project?"

Harry glanced around to make sure that Ron and Hermione weren't paying any attention to him. He sighed in exasperation when he saw that they were arguing about something that was probably pointless yet again. 'That's the third time this morning. Either they hate each other's guts, or they get off on making each other angry', Harry thought in amusement. Judging by the way Ron was shifting his legs, it was probably the latter.

"If you mean the letter, then yeah, we did. Neville nearly had a heart attack when Dean wrote that Ron often dreams of letting Hermione dominate him. And I'm almost certain Seamus went to go wank after we finished it," Harry said with a snort as he reached for his goblet of orange juice.

"Harry!" Parvati said, sounding a bit angry. "You guys were supposed to write a love letter! It was supposed to be romantic! No intelligent girl would want a letter from a guy that basically told her he only wanted to shag her senseless! Do you really think Hermione is going to fall for that?"

Harry shrugged and gave Parvati an exasperated look. "Parvati, do you really think Ron has a romantic bone in his body? Besides, you gave a bunch of seventeen year old guys, none of whom have ever had a girlfriend for a few weeks the task of writing a love letter for another guy – who, I might add, has only ever had one girlfriend. And no offence, Parvati, but at the time, Lavender was the sort of girl who would've been thrilled to get dirty letters from a guy."

Parvati opened her mouth to defend her friend but stopped, realizing that Harry was right. She sighed. "All right. I suppose you've got a point. We'll just have to see how they react to the letters and go from there."

Ginny joined them a moment later and piled food onto her plate (and 'accidentally' touching Harry's hand when they both reached for a slice of toast), saying, "So what are we talking about?"

"The letters," Harry told her, once again checking to see that Ron and Hermione were still absorbed in each other. Honestly, how they could be so obvious and still not know how the other felt was beyond him.

Ginny's eyes lit up as she glanced at Parvati. "Oh, did she tell you how much fun we had writing 'Hermione's' letter to Ron? Lavender had a ball pretending to be her – she's almost as good at forging signatures and things as Dean, you know, so she had to be the one to actually write it, but we helped. I think it's perfect, although I'm not entirely sure it's something that Hermione would have written."

"Oh really," Harry said in amusement, raising his eyebrows at Parvati. "What did you girls say?"

"Well, I'm not going to tell you everything as I'm sure Ron'll show it to you later," Ginny said, ignoring Parvati's attempts to get her to be quiet. "But my favorite part was when Parvati here suggested we say that Hermione couldn't wait to 'have the flower of her maidenhood pierced by Ron's'- what was it you said, Parvati? Flashing root?"

Parvati sighed, avoiding Harry's eyes and said, "Flaming manroot." (A/N: I stole that from a friend of mine – she knows who she is.)

At that, Harry choked on a piece of bacon. "Parvati! And you were saying that our letter wasn't 'romantic'? Look at you!"

"Well, what choice did we have?" Parvati said indignantly. "We were writing a love letter to one of the thickest guys that's ever lived – no offence, Harry, Ginny, but you know it's true. Anyway, we had to get his attention somehow."

Harry's response was cut off by the arrival of the mail. He, Parvati, and Ginny all looked up, searching for the owls carrying their letters. Harry spotted the owl he and Neville had enlisted to deliver their letter to Hermione (Dean and Seamus hadn't come with them after writing it – Seamus had said he needed Dean's help with something.). Harry turned his gaze to the entirely unsuspecting Ron and Hermione (who were still fighting – it was getting ridiculous; Harry was surprised Ron hadn't tried to relieve himself – at least, he hoped he hadn't) as the large barn owl dropped a letter on Hermione's plate. Just as the owl took off, an important looking eagle owl dropped the other letter on Ron's plate. Harry glanced at Ginny and Parvati, and was amused to see that they weren't even bothering to hide that they were staring eagerly at their two 'targets'.


Ron frowned in confusion as he picked up the letter he'd received. He hadn't recognized the owl, but the writing on the envelope looked like Hermione's. Why would she write him a letter, when she saw him every day? Ron glanced at Hermione, about to question her, when he saw that she was utterly absorbed in a letter of her own. Ordinarily, he would have interrupted her, but he decided against it – he didn't want to make her too mad, after all. Instead, he began to read the letter, still wondering why she hadn't just talked to him rather than going to the trouble of writing a letter.

My Dearest Ron,

You are doubtless wondering why I am sending you this letter, as I'm probably sitting right across from you, and can speak to you whenever I wish to. However, what I am about to tell you is something I have longed to say for many years, but have not had the courage to bring up. It is not something I would normally say in public, and is of a sensitive nature.

My darling Ronnie, I desperately need you to make mad, passionate, ecstatic love to me. Preferably as often as possible, and in every position that you could possibly imagine. I have been waiting seventeen years for someone to pierce the flower of my maidenhood with their flaming manroot, and have decided that you are the one I desire. To have you satisfy me in such a manner is something I have long hungered for. I hope I am not being too forward, but my thirst for the fruits of your body has become unbearable.

Hopefully, you will quench my thirst, and respond as soon as possible …preferably in private.

Your loving (and lustful)

Hermione

Ron gaped at the letter in shock. Hermione had written that? He looked across the table, only to see Hermione suddenly grab her books and practically sprint from the table without a word. Ron might have wondered what had her so agitated if his thoughts hadn't been drawn back to his letter. 'Bloody hell…Now I'm definitely going to have to make a stop by the Prefect's bathroom before going to Charms…'


A/N: If you're all good little readers, and aren't bothered by the letter, I might consider including Hermione's letter. Either way, there will definitely be more about her and Ron's reactions to the letters in the next chapter. Now, how can I make this plan fail…I'll have to think about that. Anyway, if anyone has any ideas they'd like me to include, just let me know and I'll think about it. And please, positive reviews and constructive criticism only.