Part 15 - Breaking Down The Walls
A/N: A huge thanks to lyra and Infie for their invaluable input. I would NEVER have gotten through this chapter without them!
Max
I decided to go to the Space Needle. Ben had always liked 'the high place', somewhere he could be alone to think or talk to the Blue Lady. He'd won me over with his reasoning and I too now went to high places when I wanted to think. And I needed to think now. Be somewhere on my own where I could try to piece together my shredded life.
We'd gotten home earlier this evening and the guys had been too tired to go back to TC. I invited them all to stay at my place, seeing as Cindy was over at her current honey's. It was late and the others had gone to sleep, leaving me to suffer the wonders of my shark DNA all by my lonesome. Or so I thought.
The sound of footsteps falling softly behind me caught my attention. I looked up to see Alec standing over me, hands in his pockets. He looked uncomfortable.
"Hey." He said, quietly.
"Hey yourself." I smiled up at him shyly.
"Mind some company?" he asked, gesturing to the space beside me. I shook my head and patted the ground. He lowered himself slowly, one leg crossed under his knee. He turned to face me.
"You okay? You look kinda down."
That's an understatement if I ever heard one I thought as I stared blankly down at my lap.
"I'm always alright." I replied stiffly. Alec raised an eyebrow at me.
"Maxie, that's my line!" he said with a smirk. "I should collect royalties!"
I didn't reply. An awkward silence settled between us. Neither of us spoke for quite a while. We sat and stared into the dark night, each of us lost in our own thoughts.
Alec broke the stillness with an apology. "Max, about, well back at my apartment. I wanted to say I'm sorry. I reacted badly."
I glanced up at him briefly before lowering my eyes again. I mumbled an "It doesn't matter." As the heat of embarrassment flooded me, Alec must have sensed my discomfiture. So he did what he does best. He got under my skin and brought the fire back.
"Come on, Maxie! When have you ever backed down from a challenge?"
Did he ever bring back the fire! A challenge? That caught me by surprise and brought me out of my funk. "So, blowing me off and throwing me out of your apartment was a challenge?"
Instead of hitting him like I would have done any time before, I decided to change tactics. I raised my hand and cupped Alec's cheek, bringing his attention to my eyes. I gave him a seductive, teasing smile.
"This…" I traced a finger across his jaw line. "or this…" I let my finger trail down his neck to his chest and further down his stomach to the waistband of his jeans, "would be considered more of a challenge to me."
Alec's eyes widened and I could see sparks of desire there for a moment as a hesitant yet sexy smile spread across his beautiful face. He held my hands in his.
"Are you flirting with me! Not that I mind! I know I'm irresistible…"
I smacked him lightly on the arm and laughed. But I sobered quickly. I had reached out to Alec not only because I wanted him but because I needed to feel alive again. Something I hadn't felt for the longest time. The loss of my siblings had affected me deeply and I couldn't shake the image of their lifeless bodies lying cold on the hospital floor.
I let out a ragged breath and I shuddered under the onslaught of grief the memories evoked. The sudden shift of my emotions surprised us both. Alec took me in his arms and cradled me against his broad chest. I pushed my face into his shirt, inhaling the comforting and delicious scent that was pure Alec, and he held me as I cried.
He calmed me, silently, soothingly, rocking me gently. Knowing exactly what I needed and giving it selflessly. Like he always does. I thought.
And I smiled through my tears.
After a while he ventured, "Do you wanna talk about it?" Smirking slightly he continued, his tone playful. "Tell Uncle Alec what's wrong."
"Everything."
"Can you be a little more specific, Max? As much as I'd love to say I can read your mind…"
I chuckled slightly. Even at times like this he couldn't resist being his annoying, cocky self. I sighed deeply and he turned serious again. "What is it, Maxie?"
"When I left Seattle I went looking for my siblings." I stopped and stared at my hands. After some time Alec prodded.
"Did you find them?"
The tears streamed down my face as I whispered brokenly. "Yes."
For the first time since we talked about Ben and Rachel, Alec just sat quietly, waiting for me to continue.
"White killed two of them. Krit and Syl."
"I'm so sorry, Maxie." Alec pulled me close and held me as I cried. We sat like that for a long time, Alec offering me the comfort and safety I so desperately needed. Finally I looked up at him.
"I'm going to find him. And I'm going to destroy him. Even if it kills me."
"Max." Alec's voice was soft as he gently cupped my face. "White's dead."
I gasped. "What? When? How?"
"When we came to meet you and Biggs. I had a run-in with White. Jake shot him." Alec squared his shoulders, his face was tight and his voice was hard.
My eyes ran over his body, checking for wounds. "You weren't hurt?"
He smirked at me. "You sound surprised."
I smacked him on the shoulder. "You're a bullet magnet! When have you not been hurt?"
"White could never pack a punch quite like you can."
"You ass."
"Always my ass, Maxie. Do you want me that much?" He grinned lazily at me.
I looked up at him in all sincerity. "You know I do."
That shut him up. This wasn't the time or place to move into unchartered territory. Alec lifted me into his lap and I rested my head on his chest.
"Why did you bring Ben with you?"
"Ben came after me. He attacked me. And tactically, I should have taken him out. He was a threat. To me, to the guys. Hell... personally I wanted to tear his head off! But I couldn't kill him. I wanted to, Maxie, I really did. I spent months in hell because of him and then he came after me to take me back to Manticore. I had every right and every reason. But looking at him... it changed. I couldn't do it. I'd like to say it's because he's my brother but I can't. I don't know if I'll ever truly feel close to him."
"If not because he's your twin, then why?" I wasn't following his reasoning.
"I don't know." Alec's eyes were full of pain, and I knew that he was lying.
"What do you mean you don't know?"
"Just leave it, Max." He looked away. I didn't push like I normally would have. He would either tell me or he wouldn't. If the subject caused so much pain, I had no right to pry. I was learning. Or maybe I was just finally opening my eyes.
"Speaking of Ben," he asked with a forced casualness. "What did you two talk about?"
I considered the question carefully before answering. "When you and the others left me alone with Ben, well, lets say it was weird."
Ben and I had shared an awkward few minutes where we just stared at each other. So much had happened in such a short time that it was hard to believe we were really together again.
Turning the clock back in my mind I recalled some of what was said.
"I'm sorry, Maxie."
"What for?"
"For asking you to kill me. For giving you no choice."
"Ben, as much as it hurt me to do it and as much as I tortured myself knowing I did it, it had to be done."
"Do you always talk like that?"
"What do you mean?"
I knew what he meant. I hadn't wanted to say the words. Knowing I'd snapped my brother's neck and saying it were two different things. And now that he was alive, and back home with me, I never wanted to say it again. The images that swam before my eyes were still too vivid and painful. I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fact that I took my brother's life with my own bare hands. Even if Manticore did save him. He had been dead. Dead. I had really killed him. And nothing would change that.
Ben spoke quietly, his voice like that of a frightened child, painfully similar to how he sounded when we were in the forest that day.
"Nothing made sense. We should never have left. After a while, I didn't care. I was a good soldier. I tried so hard. I gave the Blue Lady what she needed, and I kept asking her 'Why?' But the answer never came. And I snapped.
"Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Completely alone and out of control? Like a failure, Maxie. Like I wasn't good enough. Nothing I did was good enough for her. And what better way than to hunt and kill the people who believed in her? I tried so hard to show her that I was worthy and I cared but in the end it just wasn't good enough."
"I know it was wrong, I was wrong. And I'm so sorry. I want to change, Maxie. But I need your help." He looked at me with sad eyes. "Can you forgive me? Do you think Alec will ever forgive me?"
"Ben, I love you and I'll always be here for you. I'm sorry you felt lost, scared and lonely. But killing people like you did…even though you're not doing it anymore, its something that will be hard for Alec to get over, if he ever can. He suffered a lot because of you and more than once."
I stroked his hair and quietly asked, "It means a lot to you doesn't it? That Alec forgives you?"
He looked away, but not before I saw the tears shimmering in his eyes. It surprised me. Ben seemed to really need the reassurance that Alec would forgive him.
"He's my brother, Maxie. My own flesh and blood."
It was a more powerful connection than Ben and I shared. And in a way I was jealous. But I knew the feeling. Krit and I had shared the same mother, the same DNA. And when he died I'd felt as if a part of me had been ripped out of my heart, leaving a void so deep nothing would ever fill it. And Ben was so vulnerable. I could only hope Alec would see how important it was for Ben to bond with him.
I gazed at Ben intently. "As for your questions? I've had the same ones. Almost everything in my life doesn't make sense. But I've come to accept it, even when I don't always understand.
"Why are we the way we are? Because Manticore are a bunch of sadists who get off by watching children butcher people. That, and they're too weak to do their own dirty work. Because a bunch of crazy-ass scientists decided to mix up a DNA cocktail and throw a party. But hell if I'm gonna let them have all the fun! These are our lives, Ben. Whatever happens, only we decide who we become. It's the cycle of life. We live, we learn, we grow, we love and eventually we die."
Ben shrugged and grinned at me. "Looks like I messed up the sequence there, huh Max? And you forgot to throw in 'we are resurrected'."
"Oh god. Just my luck. You don't just look like Alec, you talk like him. Just what I need, two smart-asses."
Alec laughed, but there was no humour in it. "Two of me? Oh, yeah... this could be fun."
"Is that all you have to say, Alec? Make stupid jokes?"
Alec leapt to his feet and threw his hands up in the air. "What do you want me to say, Max? I can't just let it all go with the snap of my fingers! I SUFFERED BECAUSE OF HIM, MAX! That's not something you just forgive and forget!"
I could see how agitated he was. Alec was biting his lip, his face tight and he ran a hand absentmindedly through his already windblown hair. I stood up and reached out to pull him to me. "Talk to me, Alec. Don't shut me out." My heart ached to see how much the memories hurt him.
"Trust me, Max. You don't want to know." He deliberately stepped away from me. The Manticore mask slammed down in place and his blank stare sent shivers down my spine. He stood rigid, unbending.
I pleaded with my eyes as I raised my hand to touch his cheek. He flinched. "No. Don't push me, Max." His body stiffened and hard look came into his beautiful eyes.
"Alec, I need to understand. If you're not open with me, how will I ever really know you?"
"You know the important stuff. The background isn't important."
"That's bullshit, Alec and you know it! All your experiences shaped you into the man you are. But I don't know him. I don't know him at all."
"Arrgh!" Alec raked his fingers through his hair. I'd never seen him so upset. "Dammit, Max! You want to hear how it happened? How Manticore learned that big brother Ben went psycho and decided they wanted to know if it was genetic? How the guards marched outside and hit me with tazers till my body burned? How they dragged me across the training grounds in front of everyone by my feet? How they strapped me to a table and forced me to look at pictures of Ben's victims? Every fucking gory detail blown up to cover an entire wall so that no matter which way I looked I still saw them?"
My eyes welled with tears and I begged him to stop. "Alec, please! That's enough. I don't need to know. You're right. It's not important."
"Too fucking bad, Max. You should have minded your own fucking business. You're going to hear what you precious 'brother' was responsible for!"
I had to get away from here, from him, from the pictures he was painting for me. But before I could make it to the stairs Alec lunged at me. Gripping me tightly he pinned me to the wall, his hands like a vise on my wrists. His body shook with barely controlled anger. Alec had never looked more dangerous. His voice dropped an octave.
"The room I was in was cold. I had no clothes, no blankets. No comforts. Dripping water from a hole in the ceiling fell into a bucket near my head. I couldn't kick it away. I was restrained. The sound of the drops hitting the metal made me want to scream.
"After that and a few other fun tricks, they used me as a lab rat. My brain was monitored. They tested the effects of various drugs, tried to find a trigger that might have been planted. I was watched, prodded, poked, tested and pushed to the breaking point, but I never did. Only god knows why though. If the insanity wasn't genetic they definitely did enough to push me over the edge."
"So now you know. I spent 6 months of intense physical and psychological torture because my twin couldn't handle the world."
I held my hand to my mouth in horror as tears streamed down my face. I stared with wide eyes at the man I had once though to be a player, without a care in the world. The man I had ridiculed and abused. The man who had suffered intense torture and come out still able to smile.
His chest heaved from the exertion and he was emotionally ragged. His shoulders slumped. Putting his hands up in a gesture of surrender he gave me a wry smile.
"And despite all of that... I still couldn't kill him. No, instead I had to decide to give him another chance. And now I'm wondering how the hell I can do that, Max. Cause I just... I just don't see that happening. I don't know if I can forgive him. And I sure as hell know I can't forget."
"Am I interrupting something?" Both our heads whipped around at the sound of the low, masculine voice.
TBC
Part Sixteen
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