Part 18 - Exit Enemy, Enter Friend

ALEC

I walked for hours. I wanted to be alone. Just when things had started to look good I had to go screw them up. Maybe I was everything Max had ever said I was. Incompetent, unreliable...poison. Maybe she was right about that. I'd gotten a unit mate killed a few years back because I was too scared to stick up for him. I'd killed Rachel. And now, Ben. All I wanted to do was bury my sorrows at the bottom of a bottle of scotch...or three.

Not having paid attention to the direction my feet were carrying me, I found myself standing outside of Fogle Towers. Whatever had possessed me to subconsciously choose to go to Logan's was now urging me to go upstairs. I walked in a daze, taking the stairs one at a time, all the way up to the penthouse. I stood before his door and hesitated briefly.

Logan wouldn't be happy to see me. If anything, he blamed me for everything that went wrong in his and Max's not-like-that relationship. He and I had never bonded. We'd barely stomached each other's presence in Max's life so that we could both stay close to her. And here I was, about to knock on his door seeking companionship, or at the very least, alcohol.

Letting out a long breath, I knocked. It wasn't something I'd ever done before, but I figured the guy deserved a little respect. After all, I was barging into his home in the middle of the night.

The sound of footsteps grew louder and the door opened. Logan looked at me in surprise.

"You never knock." he stated matter of factly.

"I know. Figured it's about time I used my manners." I replied as I brushed past him, shedding my jacket as I went.

"You've got a long way to go with your manners." he snorted. "Like waiting to be invited in, for instance. Or coming at a decent hour."

I didn't reply. He had a point. I just didn't care. I needed that alcohol. I wasn't coping. For the first time since Rachel, I was falling apart inside. I'd just killed the only blood relative I had and it hurt like hell.

I wandered into the living room and plopped down on the couch, propping my feet up on his coffee table. Logan looked down at me in, his displeasure at my presence oozing from every pore. I threw my arms back and spread them over the top of the couch.

"Why are you here, Alec?"

"This is gonna make you happy, old man! So, smile!" My laugh was hollow. I ran a hand through my hair and then lowered it to my knee.

He looked at me expectantly.

"Buddy, its gonna take a lot of alcohol for me to get through this story. Got anything to drink?"

Logan shook his head and laughed. "Low on cash, Alec? Couldn't go to Crash to knock them back?"

I looked up at him, my eyes serious and even slightly pleading. I was hurt, and keeping up my 'I'm always alright' facade wasn't working tonight.

"I needed someone to talk to." I spoke softly, almost hoping he couldn't hear my confession.

Logan looked at me long and hard and finally walked over to the cabinet and withdrew a few bottles of liquor and some glasses. Placing them on the table he sat down to face me.

"You're serious, aren't you?" I nodded and opened the bottle, pouring us each a drink. "So why come to me?" he asked.

"Because you've been in this situation before." I replied simply.

"Max." He smiled ruefully.

"Yeah. Max." I downed the amber liquid in one gulp, enjoying the fiery sensation as it burned my throat. I repeated the action until I felt calmer.

"What, you two have a lovers' tiff or something?" he asked, watching me carefully as he leaned back into the armchair and choked down his drink. I took note of his posture and was startled. It had never really occurred to me before. Logan was terribly effeminate for a man. Huh.

"Or something. We'd only just gotten closer and I screwed it all up, like usual." I dropped my face in my hands before looking up at him.

Logan must have felt bad. He said something I never thought he'd say. "You're not a screw-up Alec. Impulsive, sometimes careless, annoying, yes, but you've always been there for Max and you've never let me down, so...don't be so hard on yourself."

I laughed scornfully. "Right. Wait till you hear what I did before you go singing my praises." I downed another glass.

"So tell me."

"I killed Ben." I said heavily and I looked at him to gauge his reaction. I refilled my glass yet again.

"You killed Ben." he echoed. He shook his head and lifted an eyebrow. "Max's Ben?" I nodded. "Alec, Manticore killed Ben, almost a year ago."

I spoke without thinking. "I don't want to burst your little fantasy bubble or anything, but Manticore didn't kill Ben. Max did." Hearing his sharp intake of breath I realized too late what I'd done. I'd told Logan the one thing Max had kept from him. Shit!

"Say that again?" Logan's face was confused, surprised and I noted, a bit fearful. He swallowed his drink as quickly as I did mine. It would have been funny if it hadn't been so damn sad.

"Nothing." I wanted to take back the words, but the seeds had been sown. I kicked myself mentally. I'd done enough to hurt Max. She didn't need this too. Somehow, I had to fix this. And if I couldn't fix it, I had to play it down.

"H-h-how?" he breathed, pouring himself another drink and tossing it down more rapidly that the preceding one. I didn't know he had it in him to drink like that.

"She chased him into the woods. They fought. It didn't end pretty." No point rehashing the details. This way at least Logan would think it was self-defence.

"I wish I'd known. I kept telling her it was Manticore's fault." He cocked his head and a thoughtful look crept over his face. "So, how exactly did you come to kill Ben, since we've already clarified that Max killed him last year?" He held his glass loosely in his hand, the effect of the alcohol finally taking over.

"Manticore fixed him. They've done it before. Anyway, they sent him after me to bring me back to the fold. We fought, he ended up flat on his back and later chained and stuffed in my trunk." The anger I had felt when I'd first seen Ben pointing his gun at me came back full force only to be squashed heavily by a piercing stab of guilt. I let out a ragged breath. I could feel Logan's eyes on me, as if waiting for me to explain.

Downing glass after glass of liquid fire, and trust me, Logan had the real good stuff, my tongue loosened and I told him about the events of the past few days. About my fight with Max, her little road trip, Krit and Syl's deaths, meeting up with Ben, White, my jealousy of Biggs, and finally I told him about what happened up on the Space Needle.

Who would have thought? For someone who seemed to like the sound of his own voice so much, Logan was a good listener. And insightful as well. He pointed out to me that I had every reason to distrust Max's declaration of love, after all, she'd done nothing but put me down for as long as either of us could remember. He'd expressed sympathy at the loss of her siblings and he'd shuddered at the though of my being taken back to Manticore.

"Why would you care? I mean, you hate me, right?" That was the scotch talking. All my original inhibitions were gone and I was going to say it like it was.

I watched as Logan swirled the liquid in his now full glass and raised it to his lips. He knocked back his drink and swallowed before answering. "I don't hate you. Hate's a strong word, Alec. I'll admit that I don't always like you. What man would like his rival?"

"You see me as a rival." Okay. We were actually communicating. If we were completely sober there was no way in hell we'd be having this conversation. Expressing feelings is NOT a guy thing, especially not a transgenic guy thing.

"Yeah, a rival. But I envy you."

Okay. That was weird. "Envy me." I echoed. "Why the hell do you envy me?"

"You saw what you wanted and you went after it. And you didn't back down until you got it." He was referring to Max and he knew I knew it.

"Do you blame me? She's hot. But more than that, she's passionate, caring...and when she opens up and lets herself be herself, she's a helluva lot of fun." I took a swig from the glass, starting to slow down. The urgency to drink myself into oblivion had lessened.

Logan sighed heavily before tossing back the remaining liquor in his glass. "Not at all. I wish I could bring that side of her out. She never smiles around me anymore, not genuinely."

How perceptive of him. Sometimes I couldn't believe this guy. Was he so wrapped up in himself that he didn't notice the 'love of his life' was suffering? Suddenly all I wanted to do was shake him till his teeth rattled and he finally realized that HE was the cause of her unhappiness.

But Logan surprised me.

"It's my fault, you know. I shouldn't have held on so long. It's been over for a long time, if it ever even began."

Wow. Like I said, insightful. "Logan, don't beat yourself up about it. You held on to a dream. Believe me, I know what that's like."

His eyes turned sad and when he finally spoke his words were measured. "You referring to Rachel?"

I gasped. How did..? Max. She would have told him that. And that hurt. It had been told in confidence. "So she blabbed to you, huh."

"Alec, don't blame Max for this. Before she knew anything about Rachel she asked me check out Berrisford. It was after your Jam Pony delivery. She was worried about you. We both were."

I breathed a sigh of relief. It didn't make things different; Logan still knew what he had no right to know, not unless I had wanted to tell him about it, and I didn't. But it made it easier to accept, knowing she'd only been trying to help. And I knew I owed Logan a debt of gratitude.

"Logan, buddy, thanks. For getting her the info. It saved my ass."

Logan smiled a bit sheepishly. "Funny, I never thought I'd say this, but...I'm glad. You're not all bad once you open up."

Logan had had a lot to drink, for an Ordinary, and at the best of times he was a lightweight. Male bonding and alcohol. We were quite the pair. If anyone had told me any time in the past that I'd be sitting with Logan, drinking and talking, I'd have laughed in their face. Funny how things turn out the way you least expect them to.

"Alec, you and I both know you're a trained killer. And yeah, sometimes it scares me. I'll admit I've said some nasty things about you in the past and I've doubted your motives. But however you look at it, what happened tonight was an accident. Ben chose to let go. You didn't. Remember that."

Assailed by guilt yet again, I tilted my head to one side and closed my eyes tightly, letting out a long breath. My eyes threatened to tear so I massaged my fingers over them as if rubbing weariness from my face. I blinked to hold them back and reached out to clap Logan on the shoulder. I smiled, though it was hollow. "Thanks buddy. I needed that."

All in all, I had to give it to the guy, Logan could be nice. He should get drunk more often. He wasn't completely evil when he was drunk.

Logan refilled his glass and changed the subject back to Max. "I always thought you two would get together. I knew it from the moment I first saw you that I didn't have a chance. Max could never be happy with me, not completely. She needs someone to make her happy and the someone she chose was you."

I snorted derisively. "Like she's happy with me. She hates me."

"Max has issues."

Logan's little statement made me laugh. And laugh. And laugh. "Did you just say that the all-powerful, always-right, missy-miss Max Guevara has issues?" I was sputtering and giggling like a schoolgirl. I'd always thought Max could do no wrong in Logan's book. Guess I should have read the footnotes.

He shifted uncomfortably and mumbled, "You tell her I said that and we'll have issues."

I scoffed. Like Logan could do anything to me. "I've been saying it longer than you have, buddy. I've got it patented." Logan gave a slight chuckle.

His head lolled to one side. His eyes snapped open and he blinked a couple times. "I think I've had too much to drink." he said a little thickly. I thought so too, but figured it best not to bring it to his attention. After all, there was still a full bottle of scotch on the table. If he'd started drooling though, I definitely would have said something.

We sat in companionable silence. Logan swallowed the last of his drink. I finished the contents of the last bottle and got up to leave. "I'm gonna head out."

"Sit your ass down, Alec. You're in no state to go anywhere." His words were slurring but I could tell he was sincere.

Logan rose unsteadily to his feet, the exoskeleton humming as he leaned on one foot and then the other to keep his balance.

"Couch opens to a sofa bed. Clean sheets are in the hall closet. Get some sleep. We'll talk more in the morning." I heard his shoes squeak down the hallway, almost drowned out by the whirring of his walking aid.

I made up the bed and laid down. I closed my eyes. I was desperate for a dreamless sleep where Max wasn't yelling or hitting me, where Ben's resigned face falling into darkness wasn't haunting me. But who was I kidding? My wishes never seemed to come true...

TBC

Part Nineteen

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