I own none of these characters.
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Icarus
by MarbleGlove
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Dearest Hermione,
Your father and I discussed the "hypothetical situation" you asked about in your last letter, but neither of us are really sure how to advise you. Few things in life are cut and dried. And, I feel obliged to point out, your description was rather vague. It's obvious that you're troubled by it though and so we will do our best to advise you.
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What do I do now?
Hermione realized she had made a miscalculation in her original analysis of the situation. She had picked her pseudonym to remind herself that really this correspondence could not last forever. Eventually she was going to plummet into an unforgiving ground. She had known that and accepted that eventually she would have to face the consequences of her actions, whatever those consequences were.
What she had not considered was the fall itself. The point in time when she was losing control but could still make some effort to do something, if only she knew what she should do. The point where she was no longer in control but she hadn't hit ground yet. It was maddening.
There was too much information to analyze. Her research, as advanced and complex as it was, was not the simplest thing about her correspondences.
She paced back and forth, back and forth. What do I do?
The turning point had been responding to Dumbledore. Suddenly keeping track of who knew what using what terminology became infinitely more complicated. The Dark Lord knew all of her research, including the fact that it was based off of muggle science. He did not know that she was also corresponding with Dumbledore and getting further information and advice from him.
Dumbledore on the other hand knew all of the findings of her research, but did not know that it was originally based on the muggle discovery of DNA. So she had to be careful not to use any muggle terms when corresponding with him. However, he did know that she was also corresponding with the Dark Lord and thus that she was getting further information and advise from him.
In this little triangle of research she had created, each person had different motivations, each person knew different subsets of the truth, and each person was trying to achieve something different. Keeping up with it all was surely going to drive her mad.
Hermione threw herself into a chair and wrapped her arms around herself. She didn't know what to do. She just wanted the end to happen. Whatever was going to happen to her, have it just happen already. On the other hand, she wasn't willing to just give up.
She sniffed and wanted to throw something. She was only eighteen! Somebody should come and tell her what to do. She didn't know what to do.
What to do. What to do. What to do.
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You are a bright girl with a strong moral code, I know, but you are also very curious and that is not always a good thing. If you are afraid of succumbing to temptation, the best advice I can give you is for you to find someone you trust and tell them everything. Let their moral sense help support yours. Sometimes the person being tempted doesn't have the perspective needed to know when they are falling and when they are standing firm. Find a friend who is not being tempted and allow that friend to guide you.
I would also point out that if you are breaking some rule (and I have the distinct impression that you are) then you are much more likely to be forgiven if you confess before being forced to it. It is a fact of life that the first person to tell their story is generally the one who is believed. If you have friends who you want to keep, tell them what you are doing and why now, rather than allowing them to find out from someone else.
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"Okay. You can say something now." Hermione was nervous. She had finally confessed everything to her two best friends after making them promise to listen until she was done. Upon reflection, the promise might not have been necessary as their lower jaws no longer seemed to be attached to their heads.
After a long pause Harry finally gulped and said, "I'm not entirely sure what I'm supposed to say now. You're, you're not going over to Voldemort, are you?"
Ron elbowed Harry in the side and interrupted Hermione's vehement denial, "Don't be daft, mate. She's way too bossy to be some Dark Lord's minion."
Harry blinked and then grinned. "You've got a point. I can't quite picture our Hermione bowing down and kissing someone's boots. It's much, much easier imagining her making someone else kiss her boots."
Hermione's stomach was slowly unknotting. A tentative quirk of her mouth showed the beginning of a grin. "Who are you imagining, Draco Malfoy?"
"Oooh. Draco Malfoy," Ron obviously beguiled at the image.
"I don't think that was a good idea, Hermione. Now he'll be rooting for you to turn evil just so that he can see Malfoy kissing your boots."
"Alas. I think he's bound for disappointment. I have no immediate plans to turn evil."
"That's probably a good thing despite the obvious benefits. Ah well. If your plan ever does change let me know. I call first dibs on the role of right-hand-man."
"I say. That's no fair! I was distracted by thoughts of a groveling Malfoy. I want to be her right-hand-man."
"Don't worry about it, Ron. If I ever decide to go evil, I'll let both of you know and then we can all go evil together and take over the wizarding world as The Dark Triumvirate. Dun-dun-dun." Hermione's voice gone low and melodramatic for the last part of her statement. Soon they were all snickering together.
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You've told us about how "muggleborns" are looked down upon in wizarding society, and while I know that you are the best and brightest girl in all the world, if there is any truth to the matter it is this: that your parents can't advice you about the magic you perform. While we will always be here to support you, and give you whatever help we can, there are some things that you will have to work out for yourself.
A lot of what growing up means is getting into situations that you're not completely comfortable with and learning as you go. You would never learn anything if you never did anything new. In order to achieve expand your horizons sometimes you have to go beyond your current comfort zone. This isn't to say that you should put yourself into dangerous situations. If what you're doing is truly dangerous, then don't do it. But if it's just uncomfortable, then don't let fear hold you back.
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"But Hermione, are you performing the dark arts? I mean, it's funny to joke about you being a dark lord -- lady -- lord -- whatever -- but I don't actually think you should be using the dark arts. At least not regularly. Mad-Eye Moody said that it could be easy to fall into really bad habits."
Hermione nibbled her lip as was her wont when she was organizing her thoughts. Harry and Ron recognized the act and waited for her response. "No, not really I'm researching the dark arts and so I'm coming into contact with some dark magic through the books that I've been reading, but I've been really careful to avoid the seriously booby trapped books, and I certainly haven't been performing any of the spells. And the Headmaster has sent me some advice on how to research the dark without succumbing. There are some advanced defense techniques that I've been using ever since he wrote me about them. Not only do I not want to become evil, but I also don't want to get in trouble with the professors here at Hogwarts."
Hermione thought she was being reasonable and serious and didn't know why her two friends laughed at that. They just didn't take school rules seriously. Although, admittedly she didn't have much room to criticize them given her own recent extracurricular activities. Okay, perhaps it was slightly funny. She quirked a small smile. They seemed to be reassured that she wasn't going to go evil on them, though.
"Actually," Ron sat up suddenly, "this could be a really good thing."
Hermione blinked in surprise. "Yeah. I'm almost at a cure for werewolves."
"No, I mean beyond that. Although I have to admit that's a very nice thing. Lupin will be glad. But anyway, you have an insight into the way You-Know-Who thinks and since Harry will need to fight him at some point, anything we know could be really helpful."
Harry sighed. "Just what I need, more insight into the mind of a psychotic killer. After all the trouble I went to in order to stop sharing mental space. Ah well," he spoke half-mockingly but half-seriously as well. "Ron's right. Let's see what we can figure out."
"Well, there's not much personal information there. I mean, we've been discussing advanced transfiguration and potions not what our favorite foods are." That earned a snort of laughter from Harry. "But I'll show you what I've got."
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Your father and I will love and support you no matter what decision you make. We know that you're caught up in the politics and conflict of the wizarding world but know that you can always find refuge in the muggle world. You don't have to confine yourself to a world made up of less than a million people. The wizarding world is fun and exciting, I know, and it was important that you learned how to control your magic, but the real world is still out here waiting. It's larger and more diverse than the world you're currently in and it will always be here for you.
Your father is looking at muggle universities for you and, I warn you now, will expect you to at least look through the literature he's collecting.
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The four people she trusted most in the world, the four people who's good opinion mattered most to her, had all given their permission for her to go to her limit. Hermione paced back and forth in her room. She had been so sure that someone would have told her to stop.
She wondered if they even knew that's what they had done. They trusted her to know where to draw the line and to have the control it took to stop there. They trusted her.
The problem was that she wasn't sure that she trusted herself.
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We can't wait to see you again.
Love always,
Mom
