March 23rd, 2004

Dear Diary,

It's been a while. I couldn't find anyone to hurt, so hurt myself instead. I was sick of feeling so useless anyway, always making mistake and always being the one who never seems to learn. I took my dagger, hesitantly, I touched the blade to my leg and slowly began to slice up my thigh, watching every second of it, feeling the pain that shot through my skin as the blood started to ooze out my new fresh wound. I couldn't stop there, as I thought more and more how I hurt everyone I love, I started to take it out on myself even more, punishing myself for being so ignorant and not thinking before acting.

I took off my shirt, still watching as the vertical wound on my leg bled freely, I brought the dagger up to my left breast. The skin so pale and tender was also much more sensitive than I thought it would be, or perhaps the dagger was too sharp. In the outer state of mind I was, I carelessly pressed the sharp blade against my breast, blood immediately started to trail down, stopping at my nipple before dripping and running down the rest of my torso. This pain was such a relief from all of what I had done, this self punishment, it was what I needed to free my mind from all I had to do, and also a way to take out my anger, the anger I had brought upon myself. My sisters who so caring adopted me back into the family, were now hurt, and it was all my fault, it was my who didn't think twice before telling them terrible things, things that I could've stopped, things that could've been prevented had I stopped to think that I would be hurting them much more than I actually thought I would.

I'm stupid.

I wish I had died.

Leo didn't come to heal me, and I was glad, perhaps since I was in such a state of mind he couldn't sense my trouble.

Even then I didn't stop. The pain wasn't enough, I needed more.

So I took my lighter, and heated up the same blade I had cut myself with, I watched as the blood boiled on it, slowly changing colors and becoming black as it dried. My leg and my right breast continue to bleed and ache while I prepared my next punishment.

Without a second though I brought the hot blade into the cut on my breast. The pain was higher than anything I had ever felt. The mix of burning and aggravating my cut even more made me lose my mind as I started to lose more blood than I had already lost.

I thought about cutting my wrists, but I didn't want to end yet, and had I tried to kill myself, I'm sure that good for nothing nosy white lighter would've come in and healed me.

I soon stopped once I could no longer feel how hot the blade was. Bleeding uncontrollably I sat there, watching as the blood that dripped off my nipple coagulated on my leg.

I heard the downstairs door open and snapped out of that trance, ran to the bathroom and put and ending to the bleeding. Quickly put a bandage over it all and got dressed again before cleaning the blade and orbing my dirty sheets to a dumpster.

As soon as I opened the door, Piper looked at me "Are you okay Paige?" "Fine Piper" I smiled at her and started to climb the stairs.

"Where were you?" She asked somewhat concerned.

"Oh just out for a walk" I replied as cheerily as always

"Okay, dinner will be ready soon, I'll call you" she told me and walked back into the kitchen.

Sometimes it's hard to lie so freely to my sisters, but what they don't know won't hurt them, and who cares if it hurts me.