Disclaimer: I borrowed names, places, etc. from Ms. J.K. Rowling to serve as a medium for my dementia. I have taken great (very, very great) liberties with her work, and if such offends, I suggest you leave.

Warning: What you are about to read comes from a deranged mind with a love for J.K. Rowling's books and a distinct inability to take anyone or anything (including herself) seriously, except under the influence of certain controlled substances which serve to shove her rudely into reality. Said substances were not used in the making of this fan fic.

xoxoxoxo

"We need a plan," Harry announced.

"Right," Ron agreed.

"To get the old Mione back."

"Er, which one? The annoying first year, the nerdy second year, the overstressed third year -"

Harry cut him off. "Any of those will work. These days she just isn't herself. She's just . . . strange . . ." he trailed off. "Unsanitary? How am I unsanitary . . ." He wandered away, forehead scrunched in concentration.

"More fiber, Pothead," Malfoy helpfully suggested as he passed, deliberately misreading Harry's expression.

"Shut up, Ferret Face." Ron attempted a sneer, but the result was similar to all his other expressions, and Harry's look of concentration.

"You as well, Weasel. Honestly, your diet must be as poor as you are." He laughed and strolled off.

Harry turned to Ron. "Think Lav will lend me some of that antibacterial hand cream?" he asked, oblivious to what had just occurred.

Ron merely blinked, certain that both of his two best friend were losing it.

"I hope she has blueberry scented."

Nope, whatever "it" was, was already long gone.

xoxoxoxo

Hermione slammed her head against the tree trunk repeatedly. "Sweet Merlin; kill me now."

"You'd be the most beautiful corpse in all the land," Blaise attempted to charm.

Hermione closed her eyes, with a childish wish that if she couldn't see him, perhaps he couldn't see her.

Blaise cleared his throat pointedly. "Ahem, Hermione?"

The lady in question cringed. Nope, didn't work. And if that wish failed, it was also highly unlikely that Zabini would suddenly burst into flame.

"Go away, Zabini," she ordered waspishly.

"First, I have something to ask of you." He smirked, knowing it would annoy her to no end. She really rather attractive when angry.

However, as was her nature, Hermione disappointed him sorely. "Fine, make it quick," she acquiesced wearily. Honestly, the conversations with the pathetic guys who attended this school were wearing on her.

Blaise quickly remembered that his goal now was information gathering, not irritation. Though if both were manageable, great. "What did Malfoy want?" he demanded.

"Ooh, someone sounds a bit jealous. Perhaps it's true; you and Ferret boy are secret lovers." Hermione snickered as Blaise turned slightly green. With the gift of intelligence came not only the ability to study books, but people, and Hermione was well-learned in the area of knowing exactly what buttons to push.

"Hermione, please, NEVER say that again," he begged.

She grinned with malice. "So, how is our favorite blond in the sack?"

"I- I have to- to go. Now. Yes. Leave. Vomit. Oh, Merlin." He dashed away, making it as far as the castle doors before turning to hurl violently into a bush. Hagrid ran towards him yelling about landscaping and wielding a large shovel.

Hermione laughed gleefully. "Oh, come now, Drakey's not that bad," she chuckled to no one. She then realized what she had said and felt faintly nauseated.

"I think it's time to go inside. The sun is muddling my mind. Yes, that's it; too much sun," she mumbled to herself. She leapt down from tree and shuffled up to the castle, trying very hard not to think about certain Slytherins.

xoxoxoxo

"HARRY JAMES POTTER!" Ginny shrieked, tearing down the girls' stairs in fury. The students in the common room took cover, leaving only Harry and Ron.

"Um, yes?" he answered tentatively, cowering slightly.

"Care to explain this?" the girl demanded, shaking an bottle at him furiously.

"Well…it appears to be a bottle of cherry-vanilla anti-bacterial hand gel," the boy-who-lived responded carefully, lest the condition for which he was named change at the angry redhead's hands.

"And what," she ground out, "is wrong with it?"

"Um, well, it appears you're running a bit low-"

"It's empty, Potter, EMPTY! Now, why is that?"

"Er, well, I, uh-"

"Dammit, Harry, this was expensive! You said you needed 'a bit'! What the hell happened? And why did you want it in the first place?"

Hermione chose that moment to stumble through the portrait hole.

"Hello, all; what'd I miss?" About five feet from them she stopped. "Oh, gross; which one of you smells like a sleazy strip bar?"

Harry shifted his gaze.

"Harry?" Hermione laughed. "Where have you been wandering? You reek of smoke and cheap perfume!"

"Hey!" exclaimed Ginny, looking affronted. "That stuff is not cheap!"

"Harry's been covering himself in anything anti-bacterial since you called him unsanitary," Ron informed the girls. "I think he even tried to eat it."

Harry stood silently, staring determinedly at his shoes.

"And the smoke?"

"Neville set himself on fire in Remedial Potions," the Weasley boy explained.

"I see," chuckled Hermione.

Ginny grew impatient with the chit-chat, and after declaring as much, she threw the bottle at Harry, hitting him on the scar, and stomped up the girls' stairs, threatening that if he ever went near her beauty products again, she'd remove something very dear to him.

By then, most of the common room's inhabitants had returned from their various hiding places and continued their activities. Though apparently they had still been listening; most of the lot sniggered at this threat to Harry's anatomy.

Hermione followed Ginny up the steps, still in good humor over the conversation. Annoying as the boys could be, she truly did adore them.

She entered the 5th year dorm where the youngest Weasley was still in a snit.

"Honestly, I can't believe him," she bitched. "What the hell was he thinking? And what's this about being unsanitary?"

"Long story," said Hermione, rummaging through the mess of books in Ginny's trunk. Honestly, the girl had no organizational skills.

"Hmph." Ginny flopped onto her bed. "I swear, days like these, I don't know who annoys me more, Malfoy for general assholishness, or Harry for moments of idiocy as just demonstrated."

"Ooh, speaking of Malfoy…" Hermione proceeded to tell the younger girl about her day. Ginny laughed uproariously at Zabini's reaction to the idea of Malfoy and him as a couple.

"Sweet Merlin, if they really were-"

"Ugh, Gin, stop there." Hermione cringed. "Not something I want to think about."

Ginny grinned mischievously. "I dunno, it'd be kinda hot; imagine, both of them-"

"GINNY!" Hermione shrieked. "Stop!"

The redhead laughed. "Seriously, take your fingers out of your ears; I was only going to mention how heartbroken the entire female population of Hogwarts would be. Not to mention some of the guys."

"They aren't that great," Hermione mumbled, averting her eyes.

"Liar," Gin pronounced. "You think they're sexy, too."

"Well, who wouldn't?" Hermione defended.

Ginny held her hands up. "Hey, chill; you're absolutely correct. Hell, if he weren't such a prat, I might go for Draco. I mean, the boy is a total babe."

"You best never allow any of your bothers hear you say that," the brunette cautioned. "And I'm still annoyed with both those Slytherin pricks. Ginny, get that look off your face. I know exactly what you're thinking, and I would really rather you not verbalize it."

Ginny grinned cheekily. "Fine, I won't say it, but you really ought to choose your words more carefully. Anywho, instead I'll say this: I think I know exactly how to get back at the two of them."

"Oh, no," groaned Hermione. "I like that look even less."

xoxoxoxo

tiduwen: Thank you very much! But I'll be truthful; that statement wasn't too clear: I wrote the original (Goth Princess) when I was 16. I actually just turned 18, so there's really no excuse for this nonsense. However, I still firmly believe that until I leave for college, I am allowed to maintain a lousy taste in music.

Lola Totalus: Thank you, but truth be told, I prolly won't. My dilemma here is that I need focus to update regularly; I need my ADD meds for focus; but on medication I have the worst writer's block. My muses abandon me. -sigh- I just can't win.

Excuse me Mr. Mister: Fortunately, I have a backup excuse in the event that laziness is deemed unacceptable, as seen above. Either way, thanks for the compliments - I appreciate the encouragement xD

Kichou: Thanks! Sadly, the update was prolly not as soon coming as you hoped, but nevertheless, 'tis here.

tahwekilelohcin: Wow, that's a mouthful, lol. Anywho, thanks, I hope the story continues to be to your liking. Unfortunately, this is the point where things usually deteriorate, but stick with me; they should look up in a chapter or so. J

M-McKnight: Thank you! And I'm glad you understand; I was afraid that it all wasn't to clear. As you can see here, he isn't a total ass, just a part-time one. The thing is, all in all, Harry is a guy. Plain and simple.

LadySnake: Thanks; I'm glad. I thought it was fun, and I like randomness in titles (see chapter titles, lol.)

Ilovetom88: Thank you J I can't wait, either; I'm not yet entirely sure. Ah, well; an adventure for everyone!

Later, y'all!