Disclaimer: I borrowed names, places, etc. from Ms. J.K. Rowling to serve as a medium for my dementia. I have taken great (very, very great) liberties with her work, and if such offends, I suggest you leave.

Warning: What you are about to read comes from a deranged mind with a love for J.K. Rowling's books and a distinct inability to take anyone or anything (including herself) seriously, except under the influence of certain controlled substances which serve to shove her rudely into reality. Said substances were not used in the making of this fan fic.

xoxoxoxo

Ginny's fierce glare gave Draco the distinct impression that if he so much as dared to even consider breathing, she would remove his spinal cord through his left nostril, without the benefit of anesthesia. To add emphasis to her glare, she had quite clearly said as much.

Finally, much to Draco's relief, she turned back to Hermione. However, only one thought managed to cross his mind before she whirled back around and poked him in the chest with (interestingly enough) her middle finger.

"I saw that look. And, no, you don't." She swiped the basket from his hands, grabbed Hermione's arm, and towed the girl out of the room.

On her way out, Hermione snatched her precious jelly beans from Blaise. "Mine," she hissed dangerously. Busy sending death stares at him, she didn't realize their destination until Ginny closed the bathroom door.

"Eh?"

"We need a spa day," Ginny answered grimly. She reached under the sink and pulled out a large makeup bag. Upon standing, she caught sight of two books nestled in the sink. "Urg." She picked them up by the corners and tossed them out the door.

"Right then." Ignoring the disgusted look on Hermione's face, she began mixing avocado and peanut butter. "So let's hear about this nightmare of yours."

"I am not putting that on my face," Hermione warned, eyeing the container with trepidation.

Ginny looked at her as though she had just suggested rubbing cocoa butter on her bum. "Of course not, you lunatic. That's disgusting." She pulled out a bag of cheesy crisps. "We're going to eat it."

xoxoxoxo

Due to the sadistic streak inherent in all Slytherins, Draco could not help but be impressed when two hardcover library books sailed out the bathroom door and struck Blaise and Potter with remarkable accuracy. Such a violent little creature. How could he not be completely enchanted?

Blaise hunched over painfully, arms wrapped around his midsection. Damn Weasley. Damn Granger, too; he didn't know what was in those jelly beans, but they were oddly addictive, much like the girl herself. Rotten little thief.

He looked down at Harry and considered taking out his frustrations on the Gryffindork. Upon further consideration, he decided against. Judging from the way the boy was rolling around on the floor, clutching his groin, he was in enough pain as is.

However, one look at the titles of the books Gin had thrown changed his mind. He could definitely make Potter suffer just a bit more.

After all, where was the fun in being a Slytherin if one didn't act the part?

xoxoxoxo

"Lucius Malfoy, are you serious? I knew he was one of them." Ginny was so entirely absorbed in the telling of Hermione's dream that the older girl was beginning to suspect the redhead had forgotten it was just that: a dream.

Hermione dipped a cheddar crisp in the avocado-peanut butter concoction, which was surprisingly palatable. "Speaking of the Malfoys," she interrupted, munching thoughtfully. "Anything new with you and blondie out there?"

Ginny idly scratched at her face mask, the ingredients of which Hermione had vehemently refused knowledge of, preferring to simply spread it on, no questions asked. "I'm not sure. He is rather dishy. I'm trying to decide if that outweighs what a prat he is."

"He did bring you this." Hermione selected a pale pink polish from the basket and began to paint Ginny's toe nails. "As hideous as the colors are, it is decent quality."

"You think the colors are disgusting, smell this." Gin shoved a perfume bottle under Hermione's nose.

Hermione carefully took it from her and inhaled deeply. "I like this." She set the bottle in the ever growing pile of things she was commandeering from the basket.

"And I like pink." The girls glared at each other mutinously for a moment before bursting into giggles and continuing to sort through Malfoy's offerings. It seemed the boy was good for something.

Hermione was absently lingering in mild surprise on the thought that a Slytherin could, in fact, be useful. She was peripherally aware that Ginny was busy mixing something purple in a large bright green popcorn bowl, but didn't give the girl much notice, wondering if perhaps Zabini had any redeeming qualities as well. Regardless of whether or not he did may or may not outweigh that the boy was a stinking thief. Those jelly beans were hers, dammit, and no way in hell was she going to share. Speaking of which…Her speculative gaze alternated between the bag of candies and the avocado-peanut butter mess.

"I am a genius," Ginny announced with satisfaction before Hermione could dip a lemon jelly bean into the goo.

"Eh?" She glanced up at the redhead.

"Behold." Ginny presented the bowl dramatically.

Hermione examined it with interest. "Okay, what is this, and how do I eat it?"

Ginny gave the older girl a withering look. "It's a foot mask, duh." She paused and her expression grew thoughtful. "Although George claims it's quite good with celery sticks."

xoxoxoxo

Nose in the air, Harry marched from the prefect common room among gales of Slytherin laughter, struggling to keep his dignity intact. He was the boy-who-lived, dammit. If he could face Voldemort's annual murder attempts, he could handle a little verbal abuse from a couple of his peers.

Sniffling back tears, he hauled his books up to the Gryffindor dorms, his only remaining sanctuary. Ron and Neville met him outside the portrait.

"Harry, there's something I need to discuss with you." Ron grabbed Neville's hand and approached Harry with a somber expression. Neville gave him an odd look and removed his hand from the other boy's grasp.

Apparently Harry's sanctuary was no more. He glanced around frantically for an opening, then sighed in resignation. There was no way out, might as well face the music. Although he rather liked music. Did Luna like music? Would she be more endeared to him if he did or didn't? Though his last attempt at winning her affections failed miserably.

"-sorry, but this is just the way things have to be," Ron finished. Neville looked extremely uncomfortable.

Harry blinked. "Sorry, could you repeat that?"

Ron sighed. "I was just saying that you've been really out of…"

Harry's eyes quickly took on an unfocused glaze. Perhaps he should just let the relationship take its course. Were there any other metaphors relating relationships to ships themselves? Boating…Take her out on the lake? No, the giant squid may attack. Maybe she'd like that? More than likely he'd humiliate himself even more in such a-

"Harry, pay attention! I'd rather Ron not say it again." Neville seemed as desperate to get out of there as Harry had been.

Harry shook his head in a feeble attempt to regain coherent thought as the portrait was opened from the inside.

"Harry, I'm leaving you for Neville," Ron summarized impatiently.

The fourth year who had been about to step out into the hall froze. Eyes wide in alarm, she slowly backed into the common room, and the portrait swung shut again.

Harry watched her go dispassionately. The battle had already been lost; it didn't matter anymore who else embarrassed him how. "What do you mean," he stated more than asked.

"You haven't been around much lately. In short, you've been a lousy best friend. Plus I saw on Pince's list that you checked out-" He gestured at the books in Harry's hands. "-those. And, well, I just…I'm with Neville now."

"You- You're actually-" Harry waived his hands in the air incomprehensibly.

"He's dumping you for me," Neville supplied helpfully, just as two Ravenclaws rounded the corner. Harry felt the Fates deal yet another crushing blow as, watching then walk away sniggering, he realized they were Luna's roommates.

Neville paused. "I probably shouldn't have phrased it like that so loudly," he apologized with a wince.

xoxoxoxo

Three hours after entering, Hermione and Ginny exited the prefect bathrooms, nails painted, hair relaxed, skin exfoliated, and tummies full of snacks of dubious composition. Blaise and Draco were doing homework by the fire, and looked up as the two girls tumbled out, giggling madly and reeking of expensive perfumes.

"Hi, Hermione!" Blaise chirped. "Say, I wanted to ask you-"

"Ginny," Hermione interrupted, laughter vanished from her voice. "Will you please tell that stinking Slytherin over there that I am not speaking to him?"

The redhead parroted the words back to Zabini, though well aware that he had heard.

"Well, why not?" he demanded.

"Tell him because he befriended a ferret, kicked a hole through my door, and pilfered my candy." She glared at a point just above his shoulder, evidently refusing to look at him as well.

Ginny dutifully turned from Hermione to Blaise with a smirk. "She says to tell you because you befriended a-"

"I heard her," snapped Blaise. "And I really think you're being unreasonable, Hermione."

"And I really think you should leave me out of this," Draco suggested, justifiably afraid of injury to his person, courtesy of Granger. Plus, he did not want her to put him in an unfavorable light in Ginny's eyes, though he suspected it was years too late for that.

"Shut up," three voices snapped simultaneously. The blond wisely returned to his homework, but kept an ear open for sounds that might indicate the girls were inflicting bodily harm on Blaise. After all, watching girls beat up Zabini never lost appeal, no matter how frequent the occurrence.

xoxoxoxo

Excuse Me, Mr. Mister: Extreme golf…my brother and my father both play obsessively; to create such a game would be sacrilege in their eyes. So I'm all for it. Much apologies for the delayed update, but I believe my excuse is marvelous. I turned out to be allergic to the pain killers, and suffered excessively and unnecessarily. They refused to prescribe new ones because they were afraid I'd become addicted or some nonsense. That and college became a horrible ordeal, plus there are some incredibly dishy guys staying in the same building who are very distracting. Sorry, but gorgeous blue eyes are inexplicably more appealing than sitting in front of a computer screen for hours on end. Okay, I lie. I can explain exactly how they're more appealing.

Queen Tigress: Alas, due to the allergy, cool, drugged up writing could not occur. Hopefully, this wasn't too terrible without the drugs.

Bourei no Hikari: Insanity hilarity in my book, so I'm glad that worked out. Thanks for reading; I'll worship at Sapphire Dragons feet at the soonest available opportunity.

The girl trapped in a dream: Thanks! I live to entertain. -dances- Sorry the update took so long.

Blueshyskymoon08: Luna rox my sox, yo. Thanks for compliments xD

Brantails: Thanks, glad you like.

Fiona McKinnon: True meaning of PAMS noted. And yes, it is odd, but so is my brother and we love him for it.

Golden Tears of the Heart: Nice to see you're back. Thanks for reviewing and all the compliments. I read your story, reviewed and so on. Feel free to email me if you wish; the link is on my profile. xD

Well, everyone, there you have it. It'll prolly be a while before the next update; I'm suffering a bit of writers block. Leave me suggestions and inspiration, and we'll see if we can hurry the process a bit. Toodles, y'all; take care.