CHAPTER 4 MARTIN
Yesterday was one of the best days of my life, even though I have the stomach flu and have been throwing up consistently for over 24 hours. I'm staying home sick again today, but it won't be as good as yesterday, because Ruthie stayed home sick too and we spent the entire day together. She took care of me; she will make a great mother. Today she has to go back to school, which means a long and boring day for me.
She's all I can think about. I have to do something to get her off of my mind. I will be going to the doctor later, so that should get her off of my mind for a little while. I know something that will make me think of something else, listening to the radio. I reach over and turn it on; one of my favorite songs comes on (Know Who You Are by Ben Glover):
Sometimes I think you know me
Better than I know myself
Sometimes I wonder if you think
That I know you just as well
You and I, we've bridged our lakes
And climbed our mountains
And finish that race, but the road is long
And the journey is far, and I am anxious
To know who you are
I want to know you
Like a bird knows
How to spread its wings and fly
I want to see you
Like a blind man
Sees his first glimpse of light
I want to hear you
Like the desert hears
A single drop of rain
I want to hold you
Like the sun above
Holds onto the day
And I want to love you
Yeah I want to love you
Just like Jesus loved me
And He gave Himself away
Monotony can steal our joy
And hide it in our busy lives
Oh, and stress can slowly chip away
The glimmer in each other's eyes
Oh, but I still melt
Every time I see you
And I would stop time
For a chance to hold you
'Cause your still the girl
Who grabbed my heart
And I'm still anxious
To know who you are
That didn't really help me get my mind off of her though. In fact it made me think of her even more. I want to be the one singing the song, and it's about her. I'm only 17; I'm too young to think about being married, and wishing that it would happen soon. Plus it's at least three years until Ruthie can get married.
I spend the rest of the day listening to music and sleeping. I'm starting to feel a bit better. I'll probably be fine by tomorrow. Maybe I can go do something with Mac. I need to get out of the house.
I wake up again around 2:30 pm and go down stairs to watch TV. I'm sitting on the couch when Annie asks me if I can hold anything down. "Yeah, I think so. I'm feeling a lot better. It's been like six hours since I last threw up. How about a sandwich?"
"Okay, I'll be right back with it. What kind do you want?"
"Turkey on wheat with mustard and cheese. Thank you, I really appreciate it."
"No problem honey, I do the same for any one of you kids. You do know that I consider you just like one of my own children, don't you? Eric and I love having you here."
"Thanks. I think of everyone here like family too. You all have been so great to me, thank you for welcoming me into your home like you have. I love being here." She's leaving toward the kitchen just as Ruthie walks in the door.
"Hi Martin, are you felling better today?"
"I'm doing okay. I still have some fatigue and I don't feel 100 yet, but I do feel a little bit better. Thanks for asking. How was your day? Did you see the mystery man?"
"My day was okay. And yes, as a matter of fact I did have a conversation with him. But now that I'm home, I'm so thankful that it's the weekend. I don't know if I could take another day of school this week."
"Are you sure you're okay? You seem a little frustrated."
"Yeah, I'm fine. I don't really want to talk about school. How was your day here? Were you bored?"
"Yes! I slept most of the day. When I wasn't sleeping I was watching TV or listening to music. You'd be amazed at how long the day is when you have nothing to do."
Ruthie comes and sits down next to me and we talk for quite a while, until dinner actually. We talk about all sorts of things. But not the guy she likes. I think I might let that go. I don't know if I want to know. It hurts to think about her with another guy. I don't know if I'll be able to stand it. We talk about things like our childhoods, movies, video games, and just about everything.
She has to be the coolest girl ever. She likes the coolest stuff. She loves video games and action movies. But she still likes the girly stuff too, like make-up and romance. I don't know how I just started realizing this stuff two days ago; I've been living here for like a year. I guess I'm just lucky that I realized it before it was too late.
Dinner is ready and we go into the dining room to eat. Eric, Annie, Lucy, Kevin, Ruthie, Sam, David, and I made small talk throughout the meal. It was a little awkward, but I got through it. Finally I was finished. "May I be excused?" They of course said yes and I went to my room.
About 20 minutes later Kevin leans his head into my room. "Hey Martin, do you need to talk? You look like you could use someone to talk to."
"Actually yes, I really could use that. Would you mind shutting the door?" He comes in and shuts the door behind him. "It's about a girl…"
"I thought it might be, it usually is."
"There's this girl, I really like her. She's all I've been thinking about. Most of the time I would just ask her out and it would be over with, but this is different. I'm really close to her, we're very good friends and if I messed that up it would kill me."
"Yeah I know exactly what you mean. That is a hard place to be. But there is one thing that might be the silver lining, if this girl is that special to you, being her best friend is a really good place to be if you're thinking about marrying her someday. Your wife is your best friend."
"I know that, and believe I've been contemplating that a lot lately. I know I'm not ready for marriage, and neither is she. But her in a couple of years I might be. That is another complication, she's younger than me. This kind of relationship is hard no matter what, but when you put in complications like me going to college and her staying in high school it makes it even more difficult."
"How much younger than you is she?"
"Not that much, she's a freshman."
"A freshman? As in like the same age as Ruthie?"
"Yeah, you could say."
"Would Ruthie be okay with you going out with a girl her age?"
"If I were to actually go out with this girl, I'm sure Ruthie would be fine with it."
"Are you sure? Girls are weird at that age. I don't think she'd like it very much. High school girls have problems with guys going out with girls so much younger than them. It's not one of her friends is it?"
"Kevin, believe me, she would be fine with it."
"How do you know? Have you asked her?"
"If I were to ask out this girl, and she said yes I know that Ruthie would be okay with it. Do you want to know how I know? Because the girl I like is Ruthie."
"Come again? Did you just say that you like Ruthie?"
"Yeah, I did. The last couple of days I've realized that I have really strong feelings for her. I can't stop thinking about her, I can't sleep, I've dreamed of marrying her. I have never felt this way before, not even with Cecelia. I get butterflies in my stomach when she enters a room and tears in my eyes when she leaves one. I look forward to talking to her all day long, but when we finally do talk I can't find the words. If she weren't a part of my life I don't know what I'd do."
"Man, this is really serious isn't it? Are you in love with her?"
"I think I might be. I don't know how it happened; I went from thinking of her as a little sister to being head over heels in love with her. I want to be with her, but Kevin, if it didn't work out I don't think I could live with myself. If I ever hurt her in anyway it would tear me apart. I want her to be happy."
"Is she worth it?"
"What?"
"Is she worth the risk? Is a relationship with her, which could lead to marriage, worth the risk of losing a friendship? That's the only question you have to ask yourself. So is it?"
"Yeah, I think it might be. But I have to think about how I'm going to tell her. So if you could keep this information to yourself, in other words don't tell Lucy, I would really appreciate it."
"Okay, I'll keep it quiet. Good luck with telling her." He says this as he walks toward the door. He opens it up and leaves. I'm tired and sick to death of mulling over ways to tell Ruthie about my feelings, so I turn off the lights and go to sleep.
To be continued…
Author's Notes:
Know Who You Are by Ben Glover (unfortunately this song is only available on his promotion CD)
Chapter 5 should be up in a couple of days
