So she'd packed a bag, slowly, waiting for him to come and tell her that he was sorry and tell her not to go. Or ask her. That would be fine too. She knew he was hurting, did he think she wasn't hurting too? Her son deserved the best father and in her oh-so-biased opinion, that wasn't Ian. But there was nothing she could do about the results, and she would hate herself if Matthew never got to know Ian.

Too angry to cry, she put some of her stuff in the bag, then some of Matthew's. Two years ago, when Joe had died, it had turned her world around. She'd gone through a whole range of emotions, the one that had lasted was this sense of anger that Oscar would never know who his father was. There was no way she was doing that to Matthew when he at least had the chance.

Doing up the bag she headed straight for the front door. She reached for the handle and paused; should she go and say goodbye? Give him one last chance?

She waited for a minute, coughed once or twice so he knew where she was.

He didn't come.

So she left.

She took the bike to a friend's and borrowed her car. She didn't want to go to her Mum's; not the same street. Libby wasn't answering her phone so Steph left messages for her, begging for a callback and a bed. She pulled up outside Ian's house (calling it her house for a second) and got out. Looking up at the house she saw Ian standing at the window. He smiled and waved before disappearing. By the time Steph had walked up the driveway, he'd opened the door.


"Hey," Ian said.

"Good day?" she asked.

"Great. He's a little star."

"Yeah, I know."

"I put him down for a nap, but he's not sleeping, just... kind laying there."

"Put him down where?" Steph asked.

"I called Mum. She brought round a cot."

"Oh."

"She wants to know if she can... Steph?" Ian broke off his train of thought as he studied Steph's face. "What's wrong?"

"...Everything," she said.

"Stay," he said without hesitation.

"What makes you think...?"

"Intuition," he said. "Look, stay in the spare room, I don't care. Just... stay."

"Ian..."

"You have left him?"

She nodded.

"Do you have somewhere to go?"

"I was thinking of Libby's... She's an old friend of mine."

"Stay here tonight, even if it's just that."

Steph looked at the man she'd betrayed, still wanting her, asking her to come home. She couldn't help but smile as she remembered Max doing the same thing when he found out about the cancer. The smile faded quickly and she nodded.

"Tonight would be good," she said.


Ian ordered in; her favourite dishes from the Thai restaurant that she liked. They sat with a bottle of wine, and they talked like they used to before they got married. As the evening went on, Steph found herself getting more and more relaxed. Until the subject was brought up.

"So... you and Max?" Ian asked.

"Did you have to?" Steph complained.

"I just want to know one thing," Ian replied. "Why did you leave him?"

"Which time?" she replied. "The trip, the cancer, Dad's death? Today? Take your pick."

"I thought he was your great love."

"He is. Or I thought he was. He made me feel guilty for wanting you to know Matthew. For Matthew to know you. He's got grandparents, aunts and uncles, and he deserves to know them."

"Thank you," Ian said. "I don't think I'd have done the same in your shoes."

"You don't fit in my shoes. We established that on our... third date?"

"Fourth," he corrected. "And that's if you could ever call them dates. We kinda fell into this relationship, didn't we?"

"Yeah."

"Do you regret it?"

Steph thought for a moment. "Honestly? At times, yeah, I do."

"But the rest of the time?"

"You were there for me when I needed someone the most, and unlike every other guy who tried... you got in somehow. I do love you, Ian. Part of me does at least."

"But not like you love Max?"

"...No. Not like I love Max."

"Well, I don't regret a single minute of it. Asking you to marry me was the best thing I ever did. Aside from Matthew that is."

"I'm sorry," Steph whispered.

"For what?"

"For hurting you like I did."

"You loved him."

"I still do."

"But you're here with me."

"Ian, I didn't leave him because you asked me to come back."

"I know," he said. "But... that's my son asleep upstairs. Our son, Steph. That's something worth hanging onto, isn't it? You said Max practically told you to go?"

"So?"

"So I'm asking you to stay. To try. You said you still love me, and that's a start."

"And what about Max? And Summer and Boyd?"

"Summer and Boyd are welcome anytime they want to come. You said they think of Mathew as their brother and I don't see why that should change. They mean a lot to you, so they mean a lot to me."

"You'd do anything to get me back, wouldn't you?"

"I'd do anything to try and save our marriage, yes. I love you, Steph. With every part of me. Until the other day you were the only person I wanted in my life. Now I want you and Matthew.

"But it's up to you," he said, putting his wine glass down and standing up. "I have never, and I will never force you into something you don't want. If you want to go in the morning, you can."

"Thank you," she said.

"Goodnight," he said, bending down and kissing her on the cheek.

"Night," she said, watching him climb the stairs. He stuck his head round the door of Matthew's room before heading to the master bedroom. Sitting on the couch, looking out through the bay windows over the city, Steph realised that there were worse things in this life, and little better for her son.

For his sake, she'd stay.


Steph woke up the next morning, and rolled over in bed, stretching out a hand. The other side was empty and cold. She missed him. But he didn't want her son and that meant he would end up not wanting her. They were a joint package now.

Reaching out she grabbed her watch. It was a little before seven.

Matthew hadn't woken her up.

Jumping up she pushed back the covers and opened the bedroom door. Racing out onto the landing she started for Matthew's room but stopped when she saw Ian downstairs. In his arms he was rocking and whispering to Matthew. Stopping, she leant onto the banister and watched them.

"Hey, you," Ian said when he noticed her,

"He's never slept through before," she said.

"He didn't. Woke up just before five, hungry as anything."

"Why didn't you wake me?" Steph asked.

"It was easy to make up a bottle..."

"A bottle?" she said, her voice rising in anger.

"Yeah..."

"Ian, I'm feeding. I don't want him on the bottle."

"He took it fine..."

"That is not the point," she snapped, walking down the stairs. "You should have woken me."

"I didn't think it was a problem, I mean, you left a bottle yesterday..."

"It was expressed yesterday. He's not a great eater so I'd always express what he didn't eat and freeze it. It meant that... that Max could do the night feed probably once a week."

"I didn't know."

"Don't you think it's something you should?" she asked, picking Matthew up.

"Where are you going?"

"To have a bath."

"With Matthew?"

"I've always done it," she replied. "He loves it."

"Right."

Steph started up the stairs, holding her son close into her chest. She walked into the bathroom and kicked the door shut behind her. "Don't worry, baby," she whispered. "Daddy's just an idiot." She started running the bath and dropped a towel onto the floor to lay Matthew onto as she stripped off. Once the bath was full she picked him up and stepped into the lukewarm water. "He's just an idiot," she repeated. "And so's your Mum, so I guess you're in big trouble."

Tears started to slip down her cheeks, splashing into the water. "He would have been a great dad," she said. "He would have been everything you wanted. If he'd wanted."


Over the next few weeks Ian learnt, sometimes at the short end of Steph's temper, how to look after his son. He stopped asking if they could take Matthew to his mother's, or any of his siblings'.

Steph's response was always the same: "I think he's had enough for the moment. Let him get used to you first."

He tried to further his relationship with Steph, and when she wasn't sidestepping his hugs she was telling him point blank that she wasn't ready. The one time he tried to kiss her she'd all but slapped him. He noticed she was also locking the bathroom door whenever she was in there.

He was beginning to realise he hadn't got her back.