Chapter 15
"Your actions confuse me."
"Do they? I think they're quite clear." Long-Yin sighed in exasperation at Wallace's laugh. Her head peeked out from the kitchen entrance to look at Daisuke who sat quietly in the living room. The apartment was small enough that she knew he could probably hear both of them speaking, but his total concentration was dedicated to the canvas and the vase of violets that sat on the table a few feet before him. She wondered if any part of him was aware that she was talking about him with Wallace on the phone. He made no inclination of such an awareness, even with the phone on speaker. He seemed completely entranced with his work. His fixation was more than normal artistic concentration. It was like something had possessed him, like if he believed he had to finish the still life today.
She would try to move him again after she finished speaking with Wallace. For now, she concentrated on what she was cooking and the conversation.
"I thought you wanted them to make peace with each other?" Long-Yin continued, shifting her eyes away from Daisuke and towards one of the few paintings still left in his loft. He had begun the process of shipping everything to America slowly. Wallace would take care of the storage once they arrived.
"I wanted Daisuke to be happy. He's not." Wallace paused, trying to collect his thoughts and Long-Yin waited with her great patience for him to continue. "Now that Daisuke's reason behind his actions has come to light, his leaving will not be met with any resistance."
"There would have been a lesser chance of resistance if Ichijouji-san had stayed in the dark," the woman countered. Her hands moved towards the sink and began to wash the dishes while the food was cooking. "He would have stayed in his apartment cursing Daisuke for scorning his love."
"So you think he will cling harder to Daisuke now that he knows the truth?" Long-Yin didn't answer, and instead considered the sneer in Wallace's voice. She wondered what his expression was like. It really was hard to have a conversation like this over the phone."You are naive and innocent, Long-Yin."
"And you are a cynic, Wallace."
"Pot calling the kettle black." Long-Yin's lips twitched in the barest of a smile. He was right of course.
"And is that really something to be proud of?" she asked after a few moments of silence. She dried the plates and walked out of the kitchen. There was a small round table near the kitchen where she placed the plates down and returned to the kitchen. "Should we really guard our jaded ways of thinking so jealously?"
Wallace was silent and Long-Yin wondered what he could be thinking about. Was he seriously pondering her question or was he just trying to find a counter to her question, something that would prove him correct?
"Not really," Wallace finally responded, his tone subdued. "But don't you think that we've all felt enough pain for countless life times?"
"Life is pain and betrayal. Suffering with only too short moments of respite."
"Exactly! So why even worry about how jaded and cynical we are? They act as cushions." Long-Yin moved to look at Daisuke again after making sure nothing was burning. Her shoulder pressed against the door frame as she watched him. He looked to be upset about something. There was something wrong with the painting that only he could see. Long-Yin could only see the sketches of what would become a vase of violets.
"Because those cushions act also as shields, protecting indiscriminately against anything. They keep at bay the only things that may make life worth living," she replied. She said it as if the thought had just come to her. As if she had never thought about what she had just said before, as if she didn't know that Daisuke and Wallace had that same thought before, like they hadn't played with the idea of just dropping their high walls. Then just as quickly they laughed at the absurdity while wishing (uselessly, they would think) that they could grow some courage.
"A reason to face the darkness." Wallace paused as he thought about this. "The prize at the end of the race."
"Mhmm." Long-Yin smiled, knowing the thought was making Wallace uncomfortable. It was unfamiliar but quite appealing. But Wallace wasn't willing to trek so close to the unknown. She would think people who faced death to save two worlds would be able to face uncertainty with more bravado. But then to kill the villain... to free a imprisoned people was more certain than to open up your heart to someone in the hope that they will soothe away what seemed like a timeless hurt.
"Yeah? So tell me this Long-Yin, who is the prize and who is the winner?" Wallace asked. Did he realize how cruel he was being with his negativity? Long-Yin wasn't exactly sure he really cared.
"Not everything is so black and white, Wallace," the woman said, sighing. "But tell me this, if you could take away my suffering or Shun's suffering, would you not do it?"
"Absolutely!" The blond said with conviction.
"Then why is it so hard to believe that someone else can do that--will want to do that?" She moved slowly towards Daisuke. He really needed to get up, stretch his limbs and eat. But like most artists, Daisuke probably didn't notice the needs of his body. He was so captured by his work.
The curl of the petal wasn't right and it seemed impossible to get it right. He'd been trying for five... fifteen minutes. He wasn't really all that sure. Time seemed to be insignificant, something that only people cared about. He laughed inwardly as he thought this, wasn't he a person? Well yes, but not the same as others. He was an unperson. They shared the same DNA, their bodies worked the same, they shared the same language (depending on whom he was speaking to that is). But that was where the similarities stopped. He wasn't normal like a person. He was something... something that he had no name for.
The petal seemed to come out better this time so Daisuke decided not to mess with it anymore. He'd come back to it later and try to perfect it. This painting would be so realistic that one could reach out and touch the petals of the painted violets and feel its softens, be able to contrast it to the hardness of the stems. One finger ran over the delicate folds of the drawn flower. It'll be almost impossible to tell the difference. It was exactly how he wanted it. He was immortalizing them, their special meaning, for all to see. It was very important to him.
He could hear faint the sounds of Long-Yin and Wallace speaking with each other over the phone (not that he was paying attention to what they were saying). She had been staying with him for the passed few weeks, helping him with the last preparations for the trip. She was also keeping him company so that he wouldn't have to think about that dream. It still troubled him. Sometimes he would spend long periods of time fixed in one place, like some sort of statue; his mind completely focused on the dream, he analyzed himself. He tried his best to forget it. Finally he would be able to wrestle free from his mind's grasp. It would almost feel like he were waking up from a long coma. Feeling numb and clumsy as he tried to get back into his usual routine. In the end he had asked Long-Yin to stay with him. She acted as a distraction, kept him from dwelling on such troubling matters.
Now he had another distraction. The painting. It was soul consuming but it left him feeling strangely good. It didn't give him any sort of pain like so many other works had done. He felt sedated and calm even though he knew he was obsessing over it.
"There would have been a lesser chance of resistance if Ichijouji-san had stayed in the dark." Ken's name passed through the fog around his mind, breaking his concentration. He did not raise his head and look towards the woman, instead listening as he paused in his drawing to examine the violets again.
The most minute detail of the flowers would not escape him. He had spent hours just studying the flowers even before buying the canvas for the painting. The idea had been obsessing him since he had left Takeru's place those two and a half weeks ago and he had spent most of those days looking at pictures in books and examining violets in shops and gardens. However this time he wasn't concentrating as solidly as he usually did, now he was listening more carefully. Why were Long-Yin and Wallace talking about Ken?
"He would have stayed in his apartment cursing Daisuke for scorning his love," Long-Yin continued in that same calm tone she always used, as if she believed there was no reason to rush. It would all come to her sooner or later.
His eyes shut at her words, as if doing so would stop the pain he felt from hearing that. The darkness did nothing but hide the flowers. He still felt pain resonating in a hollow place in his chest. Daisuke had hurt Ken so badly. It was still a knowledge that made him want to hurt himself. A physical pain to match the intense pain of guilt he felt over what he had done to Ken.
"So you think he will cling harder to Daisuke now that he knows the truth?" Wallace asked, he sounded almost like he was taunting her. It was strange for Daisuke to hear Wallace sound like that. It wasn't from lack of hearing the blond speak like that but because he usually kept that bitterness and foulness deep down inside, far away from the light of day.
Daisuke paused even in his examination of the flowers, straining now to listen for Long-Yin's answer. It seemed like even the cells in his body paused in anticipation of her answer. Though he felt silly, what did it matter? Long-Yin was no medium, no psychic, she could not read Ken's mind. Whatever her response, it would be a supposition and nothing more. Yet there he was, straining, waiting, dying to know what she would say. He needed to know, even if her answer meant nothing.
But it does... Daisuke was no fool. He was just a liar and a coward.
No answer came and they went on some sort of tangent. Sophisticated name calling. It was maddening. The answer would have brought some sort of ease to him. Now the question lingered in his mind, fighting for his attention against even the dream.
Ken wasn't over Daisuke. He knew that. Not only was Ken's failed relationship with Takeru proof, but Takeru had confirmed it: "Ken broke it off with me," Takeru had said. "Because I can't replace you." To Ken, Daisuke was irreplaceable. Daisuke wasn't sure what this truth made him feel. He was in a tumult of feeling.
One question stood before him threatening to drive him mad. Would Ken try to pursue Daisuke once more? Would he come knocking at Daisuke's door, proclaim his love to Daisuke and tell him that he would be with him no matter what his past was like. That he didn't care if Daisuke was tarnished and troubled. That he would love Daisuke no matter what he was, no matter who he was and who he is now. That if Daisuke stripped off all his masks, Ken would still be there with him. Not repulsed, but accepting and loving, just as Takeru had implied. Would Ken come for him?
The very idea made him want to laugh. But he couldn't. No there was absolutely no conceivable way for Daisuke to laugh. No matter how unrealistic it seemed, how fairy tale-like. Even so, he would not accept even the smallest inkling of hope. Just because Takeru could not replace Daisuke did not mean Ken was no less angry for being hurt, for being lead on. Ken could always go looking for solace somewhere else. Yet that sounded nothing like anything Ken would do.
Daisuke almost groaned. His thoughts were becoming troublesome again. He turned back to the flowers. He would expel these thoughts immediately from his mind. He did not want to consider them and he would not allow them to take him over.
So concentrate on the flowers, the curve of the petal–like they were cupping something–the long stem, the radiant violet color... Ken always thought they looked best purple. He smiled a little at the thought. Purple did suit them better than any other color they bloomed in. This particular shade reminded him of Ken's hair, though his hair was black it would look blue-ish or even a little purple under a certain light. It was very strange yet very pretty, he always liked to play with the strands of Ken's hair and examine the odd little color changes. Ken would let him of course, he loved having his hair touched.
The memories warmed him, he couldn't help the soft smile that came to his lips. Not that he was going to fight it, he liked the pleasant memories. Ken had given him many and they were like precious little stars in the black and foggy city sky. He loved them dearly, just like he loved Ken. He wondered if he had given Ken as many precious memories. He must have if Ken wasn't ready to get over him. If Ken was willing to come for him. Some how that was impossible for him to fathom, but he knew it to be true.
Even though he had virtually failed with Ken, Daisuke was still able to give him some fond memories. Daisuke's smile became larger.
Takeru had made it clear that he cared for Daisuke too. It was harder now to lie to himself, to deny their feelings. Takeru even said he didn't care who Daisuke was or thought he was. He would always care. Daisuke could tell that Takeru wasn't lying, but it was hard to accept anyway. Love Shun? Love who Shun was and had been? What he had done? It was just to hard to believe. Takeru only said that because he did not know Shun. Only Ken knew... but yet Ken had not been repulsed. Long-Yin had said he was angry, yes, but not with Daisuke. And Ken had still broken up with Takeru because of Daisuke.
Over and over again the same thoughts, but still nothing seemed to really make sense. It all contradicted... Yes, it all contradicted his beliefs. But he wasn't willing to let them go yet. It was too hard. He had always had faith in one thing: that Shun could never love, he was too repulsive. Therefore he should never be loved. Hence the birth of Daisuke. But Daisuke loved Ken and Ken loved both Shun and Daisuke. Takeru said that he was both Shun and Daisuke, and that he cared for Daisuke no matter the name he was donning at the time. Again the same thing and again he couldn't embrace it. He couldn't let go of his old convictions.
Daisuke was not perfect. People had still disliked him. But at least there was something to him. Unlike Shun who was nothing. He was just an amalgam of bad experiences. He was nothing, he was never allowed to grow and flourish into anything real. He was just this thing, this tired used thing that Daisuke had no name for. He couldn't fathom Shun loving or being loved. But he was because Daisuke and Shun were relatively the same...
No! That's not true.
That was the crux, wasn't it? He didn't believe it. He couldn't see how they could be two haves of the same whole. He knew it because he knew himself. Takeru didn't know him. Ken didn't know him. They only believed they did. They were nothing but observers, they had made conclusions from tiny little bits of information. Mostly misinformation.
Ken loved Daisuke. He only knew Daisuke. He may know Shun's story but he did not know Shun. He thought Shun was Daisuke! But he wasn't. Daisuke was who Shun wished so hard he could be. But even that mask was marred.
I am an idiot.
"Shun," Long-Yin said softly. She was standing to his right and looking down at him patiently. It was apparent that she had been calling for quite some time now. He knew now that he had heard her calling, he had just not responded. He was too deep in thought to really register her words.
"Dinner is ready," she said, turning her head towards the table. The plates were set, the food was already served too. Long-Yin was always very efficient. It was the result of good training. It made her as efficient at catering to people as it made him a good sex toy. "You should eat. It will replenish your energy."
Daisuke nodded. He looked back at the violets, the painting, and then got up. He didn't feel like working right now anyway. His mind was too preoccupied.
"What did you make?" Daisuke asked, following her to the table.
"Fried soba with chicken teriyaki and some miso soup," Long-Yin replied. "The chicken was on sale you see and I could not resist the idea."
There was a pause, Daisuke nodded in acknowledgment to what she said.
"You were talking with Wallace," he said, glancing at her. He was curious to see what she said.
"Do not worry, I was using a phone card." That really wasn't the response that he was expecting.
"On speaker," he tried again and glanced at her. Long-Yin just nodded her head, looking back at him curiously.
"Did we interrupt you, Shun?" Some how he knew that she didn't need him to answer. He sighed inwardly
"Not really... not at first anyway–Hey!" Daisuke interrupted himself, turning so he was completely facing her. She turned too, a little curiosity in her eyes. She stood with her legs close together, her arms hanging just a little in front of her with her hands clasped together. She looked so very pretty and feminine with her dark hair and demure eyes. Again the results of vigorous hours of training. Ken expected people like them to be anything but what they were trained for? Daisuke sighed, he was worse than Ken though, he entertained the notion even when he knew
better.
"Yes?" Long-Yin asked. Usually she would wait but he supposed she was hungry and so a little impatient.
"You know it's strange," Daisuke began, taking a seat and motioning for her to do so too. They could eat while he voiced his thoughts. "You always call me Shun. Wallace too sometimes... though I think he refrains from doing so for everyone's benefit. "
Long-Yin took some chicken and chewed on it before speaking. She wasn't chewing thoughtfully, she didn't need too. He could tell she already knew what her response would be.
"No matter what you want to call yourself, you're still Shun." She seemed to rethink her answer and he knew she was only doing so because of Daisuke's expression. The response had been depressing. He waited quietly, wondering what she was going to say. Was she was going to elaborate or just try to make him feel better.
"You have a very attractive body," Long-Yin began and put her chopsticks down. Her eyes settled on him. Long-Yin wanted his complete attention. She didn't need to worry, her statement had been surprising and a little awkward. "Muscular and athletic"
"Ah... thank you," Daisuke said. He felt awkward. Long-Yin was never one for compliments, especially about their physical appearance. It was strange because their appearance was a sensitive subject. They always made unconscious efforts to look good because they wanted to be appealing but never to each other or really to themselves. They were pleasing for everyone but themselves and each other. It was too weird for her to compliment him like that.
"It took a long time for it to look like that," she continued. "I remember when you use to be this scrawny thing. You looked like a strong wind would blow you away." She smiled, it was very small but it was there. Daisuke just grumbled at the jab. "As you became stronger, you became awkward in your movements. You were still trying to establish grace then. Now you have such a lovely grace when you play, when you walk and move. Your body has grown, learned, become stronger. It has really changed a lot form that gangly thing I was so familiar with. But it is still your body, you realize that, right Shun? The same body you were born with. The same body they touched and admired. The same body that you struggled so hard to make strong and attractive. The same one that helped you win the championship, paint those pictures, and all those other things you've done with it. You understand what I am saying right? The same body that brought you so much love and attention is the same one you stare at with revulsion in your darkest moments of depression."
He nodded. He knew exactly what she meant. The analogy was as clear as day to him. An undesirable thing can be change, become more pleasant and attractive, can improve on itself but it was still that undesirable thing.
The old version always influenced the new version.
"That's why you and Wallace never changed your names huh?" Daisuke asked smiling a little. Though he wasn't too sure what really brought on the smile. It didn't feel completely bitter but it wasn't happy either. "That's why you always said it would be stupid."
Long-Yin just nodded. "It would have been stupid and pointless. I am and always have been Long-Yin, my experiences back then influenced how I turned out now. I am and am not the same Long-Yin of before." She picked up her chopsticks again. She had made her point and now she would eat. But Daisuke could tell she was still perked and ready for anymore questions or comments form him. He had none, at least none that would be voiced. Her answer was just more things for him to contemplate.
Denial really was a tiresome luxury. However he knew that he could not call it that anymore. It wasn't a luxury, it was a burden. It was just something else keeping him from getting up.
Ken looked up at Daisuke's building from his spot across the street. So what was this? The second day he's wasted standing next to the street lamp and peering up at the building. What the neighborhoods must think of him!
He watched as Long-Yin exited the building as she always did around this time to go buy groceries for dinner. She always saw him but never crossed the street to speak to him, never waved or even made a little inclination with her head as greeting. Nothing. She would just look at him before going on her way. Today she stopped after seeing him, raised her hand and checked her wristwatch, gave him another fleeting glance and then started down the street to the grocery store.
Ken stared after her, watching her hips sway as she walked. He wondered if she was conscious of it and then decided that she probably was. The way she moved, it was just a little too perfect, too graceful and sensual. She must have practiced it.
Why on earth was he thinking about that anyway? What he should be thinking about was Long-Yin's little message. Time was running out, that's what the little gesture told him. Daisuke was going to leave and he needed to stop being so hesitant and frightened. He needed to walk into the apartment building across the street, take the elevator to the seventh floor and knock on Daisuke's door. Ken needed to confront Daisuke. He needed to talk to Daisuke before he left.
But he was so scared and unsure of himself. He didn't know what to say to Daisuke. He didn't know how to speak to him. He had spent days just thinking about what he was going to say to the redhead. He had sat up for hours just thinking and processing every single word that he might possibly use when he spoke to Daisuke. All the little speeches were rejected in the end. That was what really scared him. The lack of a game plan. Sure he could act impulsively sometimes but those moments were rare and usually the byproduct of emotional weakness. They almost always ended in disaster too. Ken didn't want disaster. He wanted success. He needed a game plan.
After three days of deliberation Ken realized that it wasn't going to happen. He realized he needed to forgot making a carefully constructed speech and just make up some main points, hope for the best and head on out to Daisuke's apartment. Unfortunately he had yet to make it up there. So far he's just stopped across the street form the building and spent hours staring at the entrance and at the distant window of Daisuke's apartment. He just couldn't work up the guts to go up there.
What if he messed up again? Ken seemed to be on a roll lately, always messing up. He was afraid that he would do so again. He couldn't mess up. This was his last chance before Daisuke would leave him for a foreign country for God only knew how long. It needed to be perfect... or as close to perfect as possible.
Ken knew that it wouldn't even be close to perfect. That knowledge made him hesitant. So for two days he had come to Daisuke's apartment building just to stare at it for hours. Daisuke didn't come out of his apartment building (or if he did, it was only during the times Ken wasn't stalking his building) and he was glad. Ken didn't want to confront him in the middle of the street. Though he couldn't help but wonder what Daisuke was doing up there, he never could bring himself to stop Long-Yin and ask.
"You do realize loitering is against the law?"
Ken squeaked in surprise, turning, wide eyed, to look at an amused Takeru. Surprise turned into dread upon seeing the blond he hadn't seen Takeru since the break up. Another issue he had not worked up the courage to take care off.
"T-Takeru... you scared me," Ken breathed out after a few moments.
"Yeah I came to that realization when you almost jumped out of your skin a minute ago." Ken gave him a foul look but Takeru didn't look the least bit sorry for surprising him. Ken supposed that it was understandable. The blond was probably still angry and hurt.
"Come have a cup of coffee with me," Takeru said after a few long moments of oppressive silence. Ken blinked at him, obviously bemused. "I need to talk to you," he added firmly.
Ken nodded. There was no getting out of it, he supposed. Honestly he didn't want too, he realized. He was scared. However he hated having their relationship up in the air like it had been. Things needed to be settled, for better or worst.
The two men started walking, side by side and mostly silent until they reached a little hole in the wall coffee shop which seemed to have a penchant for violets. Takeru bought two cups and handed one to a protesting Ken, saying stubbornly that Ken need the caffeine. They sat down in the corner where Ken spent a few minutes stirring his coffee.
"About what happened..." Ken started, slowly raising his eyes to look at his companion. Takeru shook his head.
"I don't hate you Ken," Takeru said simply and Ken couldn't resist the sigh of relief. Takeru smiled a little and Ken knew that any other time, the blond would have reached over and ruffled his hair.
The little smile disappeared quickly though. The seriousness of Takeru's expression put Ken on edge. "That doesn't mean I'm not angry and hurt." Ken nodded. Why would he be anything else? He opened his mouth to speak but Takeru interrupted him. "Don't apologize. I don't want to hear it. It's meaningless."
Ken winced at Takeru's word but the blond continued without seeming to notice. Ken was no fool, he knew Takeru noticed.
"It's meaningless because you'll never love me and apologizing for that is just stupid," Takeru finished before sipping his coffee.
He blinked at the blond and then shook his head. "I want to apologize for leading you on, not for being unable to return your feelings."
There was a small pause as Takeru considered the statement. He just nodded, accepting what Ken said. Ken was glad.
"I don't forgive you," Takeru then said, making Ken feel horrible all over again. "I can't forgive myself either. It's not like I wasn't aware of how you felt." He shrugged a little. "We're both to blame."
Ken couldn't exactly respond to that. He felt like it was his fault completely. He should have realized how Takeru felt, he should have been strong enough to stop the blond's advances. But he knew that Takeru wouldn't accept that answer so he just kept quiet. Still Takeru's reasoning seemed less immature than his. He found himself voicing those last thoughts.
"It's not maturity," Takeru responded. "It's apparent. If I was mature I wouldn't have made a pass at my emotionally distraught friend. Hell I don't even know if my reasoning is right. If I'm trying to remove blame from one of us by sharing it. I really don't know."
Ken wanted to say something but Takeru didn't let him. The blond shook his head and firmly told him he didn't want to hear it.
"I don't feel like playing the blame game Ken," he explained. "It just means I'll dwell on what happened longer than I care to. I want to move on, put it behind me. I want to stop hurting." The firm expression Takeru had been holding on so tightly to crumbled and looking at him now, Ken felt his heart breaking.
Takeru folded his arms on the table and rested his chin on them, looking up at Ken with pained blue eyes.
Ken watched him silently, unsure of what to do or say. This was his biggest problem. He was never good at comforting people. He could never give back to his friends what they had given him. How was he suppose to help Daisuke if he couldn't even help Takeru. His feelings weren't enough to help Daisuke. It was all about actions spurred by feelings. He knew that. The problem was that he had the feelings, plenty to spare, but the actions... they were up in the air.
Gods, I can't even tell him the feeling will pass because I really don't have the experience to do so. He thought miserably. But he wanted to say something so badly. Anything at all!
"I'll always be here for you," Ken blurted out. He felt instantly stupid and tried to correct himself. But he just ended up stammering incoherently. Takeru watched him quietly for a while, doing nothing to end his suffering.
"I mean... like to listen and lend a comforting arm or something like that..." Ken ended miserably. He lowered his head, wishing the earth would swallow him up whole.
"Is that how your going to talk to Daisuke?" Takeru asked. They had been silent for so long that the sound of Takeru's voice surprised him.
"Huh?" Ken asked, blinking.
"You're never going to get anywhere with Daisuke if you just yammer on like that," he explained, sitting back up again. He took a long drink of his coffee before continuing. "You lack confidence in yourself and your abilities. If you don't present yourself as assertive and confident how on earth can you expect Daisuke to trust you with his heart and problems? He's just going to see that delicate boy that he's always wanted to comfort and take care of. Not let comfort him and take care of him. 'Cause that is what you want to do for him."
Ken nodded. Takeru was right. The blond had the uncanny ability of being right about just about anything. He was smarter than Ken could ever be.
He sighed, letting his face drop into his upturned hands. "I just don't know what to say," Ken began. "I want to help him so badly. But I just never know what to do, what to say. I always feel like I'll mess it all up if I try."
Takeru shook his head in exasperation. Ken couldn't blame him for his reaction. He felt the same frustration. Why couldn't he just do it? Why couldn't he just plow through with courage and valor? He was just so afraid of consequences, of messing up and never getting another chance with Daisuke again.
"You've gotta forget about all that," Takeru started, fingering the violet in the silly looking vase Ken hadn't even noticed was there. "Your fear is keeping you from doing what you must. I'm not saying it's not normal to be afraid. I'm sure that if I was in your situation I'd be scared shitless. I'd be wondering what to do. But I wouldn't let the fear dictate my actions. Which is what you're doing, you realize that right? That's why you stammer and your mind goes all blank, because you're letting the fear supercede your good intentions."
Takeru stopped speaking then and gave him a pointed look. Ken knew that he was telling him to stop doing that. He nodded but the look didn't leave Takeru's face. He hadn't proven to the blond that he was going to stop it. But how was he suppose to prove it to Takeru?
"I know you're right," Ken finally said. "It's just hard."
"Of course it's hard. If it were easy you'd be cuddling Dai not sitting here with me." Ken felt the urge to bang his head against the table.
"I don't know what to do," Ken moaned and closed his eyes, covering them with his palms. He just wanted to block out the world for a while. He knew he was still looking for some sort of structure, some plan he could cling too. He knew he shouldn't. Takeru had told him that and he had mostly realized that himself before hand. He knew it was just his fear that kept from trying. He knew that if he didn't try he'd lose Daisuke.
The thought of losing Daisuke made his heart thump so loud he couldn't hear anything, not even his own thoughts. It gave him the clarity he needed. He realized that the fear of losing Daisuke superceded any other, especially if he never tried. If he gave it a shot and screwed up he could maybe try again, he could reword his phrases or apologize for any transgression and explain himself. He could try again. But sitting there, or standing on the corner and bitting his nails would certainly lead directly to failure. Why? Simply because he was already giving up without trying. He wasn't trying because he wanted to succeed, he was trying because he knew he was going to fail and wanted it never to be said that he didn't try.
Thinking that way was destined for failure. He'd known that since he was a child. If he didn't fully believe in the success of a project then it would fail, since he wasn't really trying. But this time failure wasn't an option or at least it should be the last damn thing he should be thinking about. This was just as much about Daisuke as it was about him. If he gave up on himself, he gave up on Daisuke too.
Daisuke may have given up on himself long ago, but he had never given up on Ken. Not when Ken truly needed him the most.
Something smooth and soft tickled his nose, pulling Ken out of his thoughts. Moving his hands and opening his eyes, he realized that it was a violet. He blinked at it and raised his head, looking at Takeru–who was holding the flower's stem–curiously.
"Do you know what violets mean in the language of flowers?" Takeru asked. Ken shook his head no. "They mean 'let's take a chance'."
Ken smiled a little. "All right, I got your point the first time."
Takeru shrugged. "Gotta make sure. Can't just assume with you."
Ken lowered his eyes and looked at the flower still in Takeru's hand. Then back at Takeru, who was playing idly with the flower, giving Ken another chance to put his thoughts together. What would he do without his dear friend? He honestly never wanted to know.
"Takeru... can we still be friends?" Ken asked, keeping his eyes firmly on Takeru.
Crystal clear blue eyes shifted and looked at him making Ken feel uneasy. But he held his ground. Then Takeru gave him a gentle smile.
"Silly question," he began. "Of course we can. Now get the hell out of here before you lose your nerve."
Ken couldn't help but beam at him. "Thank you." He stood up from his chair.
Takeru waved a hand at him in a dismissive gesture. He wouldn't look at Ken either and Ken wasn't exactly sure what to think about it. He decided that he would worry about it later. Takeru was right, he needed to leave. He had do get this done before he just lost his nerve all together.
But first...
Moving around the table, Ken bent over and hugged Takeru tightly. He felt Takeru stiffen in his embrace then slowly relax, wrapping an arm around him and squeezing back quickly before pushing him away gently.
"Go already," Takeru said, making shooing motions. Ken now realized why Takeru had avoided looking at him before. He couldn't mask the pain on his face.
Ken wanted to apologize but he bit his tongue. Takeru didn't want, didn't need, to hear it. Still the guilt gnawed at Ken's heart as he exited the coffee shop and left his best friend alone and heartbroken.
Taking the last steps to Daisuke's apartment seemed endless. He stopped in front of Daisuke's door and just stared at it. His palms were sweating and cold, he was trembling a little. He was so scared. But he felt also calm and strong. For the first time in a long time, he felt sure of himself. Not over confident but sure that whatever happened today, he gave it his all. He would achieve something with Daisuke.
He knocked on the door.
The time it took for Daisuke to answer the door seemed even more endless than the time it took to walk to his door. He didn't even think time existed anymore during the silence that greeted him when Daisuke opened the door. Daisuke was just staring at him, brown eyes wide and for the most part unreadable. Ken felt his body freeze; it was terror, like he were about to face a huge Airdramon completely alone. He tried his best to brush the fear aside. It was hard. This was it. But he would do it.
"Ken..." Daisuke breathed out. He licked his lips nervously before continuing. "What are you doing here?"
So how does he do this? Would it be prudent to start with some small talk? Should he just jump right in? Well at the very least he should get passed the front door before he gets into any heavy conversation.
"I wanted to see you," Ken began and tried to keep the uncertainty out of his voice. It threatened to creep in even with all his resolve. Old habits die hard. He paused, gauging the red head's reaction. Daisuke just seemed to be struggling with something... maybe struggling to keep calm. Well that made two of them. "May I come in?"
For a moment Ken thought that Daisuke would decline, he could not keep the sigh of relief from coming out when the man stepped out of the way and motioned for him to enter. Daisuke looked at him a little strangely, Ken just tried to smile it off. He doubted he achieved that.
Daisuke's apartment was bigger now that most of the paintings were packed away and on their way to America. He didn't like it, the paintings gave the place life. The Spartan look just didn't fit Daisuke at all.
There was one painting on the esal and flowers set on the table behind it. Violets. The sight of them made Ken's resolve increase. There was going to be another chance. He just knew it. But if I don't listen to Daisuke... Ken thought realizing the redhead had been speaking to him.
"So do you want something to drink?" Daisuke asked again. Ken smiled apologetically for not listening and shook his head.
"When do you leave?" Ken asked, moving closer to the unfinished painting. There were a few smears of color here and there, it was still mainly a sketch. But for a sketch it was absolutely beautiful. Ken could tell that Daisuke had been taking his time with this painting.
"In another two weeks," Daisuke replied and walked a little closer to him, though not as close as he would have before. Usually Daisuke would have thrown an arm around him, laughing merrily. Not that Ken had been expecting that Daisuke to greet him today but he still missed that Daisuke terribly. He dared hope that maybe after today he would start to see him again.
"How did you find out about my leaving?" Daisuke asked after a moment or two. He had been looking at Ken while Ken looked at the painting and the flowers. Ken had let him look for a while, watching Daisuke from the corner of his eyes. He wasn't sure if he was doing it to gauge Daisuke or because he was stalling.
"Jun."Daisuke nodded as if he wasn't surprised in the least. Ken was relieved to see no negative feelings reflected in his brown eyes.
Enough stalling. He turned his attention completely on Daisuke and the redhead seemed to look more nervous now.
"If you say we need to talk I'll scream I swear," Daisuke said in a lame attempted at levity. He was that uncomfortable? Probably. Though it still took Ken by surprised and Daisuke seemed to just be more upset because of it.
"We do though," Ken said calmly..
"About us." It wasn't a question, Daisuke was finishing Ken's sentence. He was resigned to it, he would not fight. He'd let Ken have his talk. Ken watched him move to the couch and take a seat. Though he wasn't sure if he was ready to sit down next to Daisuke. He still walked over and stood near the couch, not before Daisuke, but near enough.
"I want to try again Daisuke," Ken said quietly. That probably wasn't the best way to start but he had to start somewhere and that was as good a place as any.
"I told you Ken," Daisuke began, not looking at him. "I don't love you."
Ken tried not to let the pain of that statement overwhelm him. He ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to calm himself a little more.
"I-I know you don't." Ken stopped and took a breathe. "But that's because you never had a reason too. I never gave you a reason too. I was selfish and I took you for granted."
Daisuke shook his head. "That's not true."
"Yes it is," Ken argued. "I've thought back to each moment I've spent with you, even each moment I've spent with Takeru. I'm selfish, Daisuke. I've taken you both for granted. I never gave back as good as I got."
"Then why don't you go make up with Takeru!" Daisuke all but yelled. Desperation and strain pulled on his face. Ken wanted to hold him, just like Daisuke had always held him. But he knew he couldn't do so yet. Daisuke wouldn't accept the act of kindness.
"I love you," Ken said softly but with determination. His tone said there was no doubt in his mind. "And before you say anything, I won't love anyone but you. You're it Daisuke. My one and only; full of spirit, beautiful artistic vision and faults. I wouldn't have you any other way."
"Ken..." Daisuke's voice cracked with strain. He raised his head and looked at Ken. All his years knowing Daisuke and this was probably the first time he had ever seen the redhead look like that. Sad yes, distraught and nervous yes. But never like this. The raw emotion, uncontrolled and undiluted. And no matter how hard it was for Ken to look upon that expression, he wouldn't look away.
"You don't know me," Daisuke continued. "The real me. The one that Long-Yin told you about. You don't know Shun."
A great weight settled in the pit of Ken's stomach when Daisuke said that name. It was like everything was closing and opening before him all at the same time. He felt suffocated by some sort of feeling he did not understand and it was draining his calm. It was making him feel dread.
It was his opponent, finally showed before him. Shun was the one Ken had to fight. Not the horrible person that had twisted and used Daisuke but the byproduct of that person's horrible deeds. Shun: the scared, lost boy.
"Yes I know," Ken said after a few moments of silence. He tried hard not fiddle with his shirt or do anything else that may make him look anything but totally sure of himself. "And I want to know him too, because he's part of you and I love you. It's only right that I do"
Daisuke snorted and folded his arms. It reminded Ken of a stubborn child. He had to fight against Daisuke's stubbornness, doubts, fears–he had to fight against Shun.
"You don't want to know him Ken," Daisuke began, rubbing his temple. "Honestly there's nothing to know. Just old scars and ugly memories."
"You of all people should know that ugly memories and old scars aren't reasons to scorn someone," Ken said. "You took me in when mine were still fresh and bleeding." In a moment of bravery he moved to the couch, sitting down next to Daisuke. There was still quite a bit of space between them but Ken was still able to reach out and place a hand on the man's shoulder. "Shun is your childhood experiences. Important childhood experiences that helped shaped you into who you are today. The Daisuke I met was like a growing sapling from... a Shun-seed, if you will"
Daisuke just shook his head in denial. He didn't seem to respond in anyway to the hand on his shoulder. Ken took it as a good thing giving his shoulder a little squeeze before continuing, "Daisuke, you're neither schizophrenic or have any dissociative disorder. Shun wasn't another mind that went into the backseat when you were rescued from that horrible place. Shun continued experiencing even after he changed his name to Daisuke. Just like I continued experiencing after I changed my name to the Digimon Kaiser and back again."
Daisuke slumped into the couch, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose. Ken watched him curiously, expectantly. He was surprised by how Daisuke was acting. He hadn't expected him to seem so resigned. There seemed to be absolutely no fight in the man, which was just strange to Ken. Daisuke was a fighter. It was why he was able to keep moving in the face of all his problems. It's what helped him in his metamorphosis. He wasn't as strong and infallible as Ken had always thought Daisuke to be but he was still a fighter. That wasn't something one could really pretend to be. So this resigned Daisuke just confused Ken. What did it mean? It couldn't mean that he had gotten through to the redhead...?
No that just wasn't possible.
Ken came here expecting to kick and fight his way through to Daisuke. He didn't know what to do.
Daisuke closed his eyes in an attempt to escape, even if it was just for a few minutes. He felt like he was losing his senses. Everything Ken just said fortified ever single thought he's been having for the passed few days. It went in agreement with everything Long-Yin and Takeru had said, and went totally against anything he wanted to believe. What the hell were they doing, sharing notes!
A part of him told him that he should just give up. Agree with them and be done with it. He should just make them all happy... make Ken happy and start a new relationship with him. But if he truly didn't believe than he would just be lying and hurting them, not to mention entering another meaningless relationship that would never work. He really wished he could explain this to them. It wouldn't work. He can't change a way of thinking that's completely ingrained in his way of life.
"Nothing else makes sense," Daisuke said out loud, breaking the silence that had settled in the room. He opened his eyes, settling them on the lovely man next to him. He had the urge to just reach out and touch him, like he had done so many times in the past. But that wasn't a privilege he had anymore. "I mean it does. What you say–what you've all said. But it doesn't make sense in that unexplainable way. I guess I mean, it just doesn't make sense in my heart.
"I've come to gripes with who I am. I know that I'm Shun... no matter what I'd like to think and what I call myself. Even though I've come to terms with that, I still see no reason to pursue a relationship. Like realizing who I really am just makes it even more impossible for me to try a relationship. After all these years of growth, Ken, I haven't really changed where it counts the most."
Daisuke sighed in frustration. Still some of the burden left when he voiced his thoughts. He wasn't sure if Ken understood him and what this all meant to Daisuke in the long wrong.
Ken nodded. He understood. It didn't surprise Daisuke, Ken was smart after all and he usually understood what Daisuke was trying to say. Daisuke could babble incoherently in front of his friends, confusing them and it would always be Ken who would just smile gently and explain to them what he meant. Daisuke had always thought it was because of their link, they were Jogress partners after all. But whatever the reason he liked having someone that could understand him, no matter how incoherent he felt.
Daisuke turned his head completely to look at Ken. Ken was thinking, probably figuring out how to respond to what Daisuke had just said.
Ken's hand moved from his shoulder and took hold of one of Daisuke's hands, holding it tightly.
"I know I don't know much about your old life. All I know I learned from Long-Yin and Jun-san," Ken began. "But even with that little bit of second hand information about you, I just can't accept that you haven't changed." Daisuke opened his mouth to protest and Ken shook his head. He wasn't done yet. "Some wounds have closed Daisuke, I don't think you could have done all the great things you've done in your short life if some hadn't healed. You just didn't notice it. How living with the Motomiyas took away some of the pain and helped you begin to grow in all those important places."
Ken paused for a moment, Daisuke would have said something but he couldn't bring himself to speak.
"After I fell as the Kaiser," he continued. "I was so cold. But you warmed me. Warmth that came from here." He reached forward and placed a hand on Daisuke's heart. Ken's cheeks were flushed slightly from embarrassment . Daisuke had to admit what he was saying was embarrassing, but it was also completely and utterly honest. Daisuke couldn't laugh or scoff at such sincerity.
"It doesn't feel true Ken," Daisuke argued.
"But it is and you just need time to come to terms with it," Ken countered.
The redhead snorted. "I've had years."
"It takes time. And this time, you won't be doing it while thinking of yourself as two entities. Now you can really begin to finish the healing process."
Daisuke shook his head a little, trying to clear his head. His brain felt like it was being compressed. The conversation, the whole situation, was oppressive. He just wanted to get up and run far away. Daisuke wanted to hide and wrap himself back up in all the lies and defenses mechanisms he used throughout life to survive the horrors of his earliest childhood.
"Confrontations are scary..." Daisuke whispered, raising his legs up on the couch and pressing his knees to his chest. His arms went about wrapping around his legs and he rested his chin on top of his knees. Daisuke looked straight a head of him instead of at Ken. "There are terrifying things residing in the shadows of my consciousness." And who knew what in hell could be lurking about in his unconscious.
Ken nodded. Daisuke knew he understood the fear of confronting the darkness. It was essentially what Ken was asking him to do. He was asking him to stay here and confront all the things he had called 'Shun', the darkness in his heart, the trauma.
"It's not easy either." Ken's honesty was painful. He wouldn't have minded if Ken had just lied and told him it would be easy. "As long as you know what is true, then we're on the right path."
Daisuke felt horror rise into him. One thing was to leave it as an unspoken fact, something they both knew, but to speak of it. It just made him feel horrible. "Oh gods, Ken, don't say 'we'. I never want to take you down any path I'm walking."
"Daisuke, we've been walking down the same path since the day we met," Ken said without even a moments thought. Daisuke wasn't sure what to think about his quick response. "Helping each other up every time one of us tripped. Though I'll be honest, I've been totally ignoring you. I'm a horrible traveling companion but I'm going to try my hardest now to help you up. Every time you fall I wanna be there to help you up."
"Ken... it doesn't feel right," Daisuke tried again but he just felt like he was trying to hold back the ocean with a beaver's dam. His body shook and his palms were starting to sweat. Brown eyes shifted to glance at Ken.
"It's not instantaneous." Ken's eyes held Daisuke's and he felt like he was just falling into them. "But your feelings won't change if you don't at least try. You have to test a theory out for yourself before you can truly accept it. And this is going to be a long experiment so you've gotta have the patience to see it through. Also for this one, you've got to have faith in its success."
"Science and faith don't mix," Daisuke snorted. Ken glared at him.
"Well if this were an exact science," Ken started looking annoyed.
"I would have fixed myself a long time ago," Daisuke finished for Ken, looking apologetic. Ken was only trying to help him, trying to ease his fears now that had made his point. Daisuke didn't have to be mean. He didn't want to be mean. What he really wanted to do was just accept what he had been hearing for so long. Blind acceptance, no trials and struggles. No fear.
Just admitting that he was Shun had been impossibly difficult. He was dreading everything else he would have to face. His eyes shifted back to Ken when the raven-haired man moved. He had raised one leg on the couch so he could better face Daisuke. Ken's face was sincere, open, inviting and determined. Daisuke hadn't seen Ken like that in a long time. It was the face of someone ready to commit themselves to long and hard task. Ken wouldn't leave him to his own troubles, even if Daisuke told him to get out right now. It made an indescribable feeling well up in Daisuke's chest and he felt the tears stinging his eyes.
So he was ready to take the first step in truly getting better? No lies, no role playing games, nothing but hard work and truth. Now how in hell was he suppose to tell Ken that? Words had never been his forte but at the moment they seemed to have completely abandon Daisuke.
Daisuke wrinkled his nose a little. Since the beginning he had always been a tactile person, why on earth was he even worrying about words? Reaching out he grabbed Ken's hand, watching violet eyes disappear briefly from Ken's blink of confusion. He untangled his limbs and moved closer to the raven haired man, slowly at first before he pushed himself forward and embraced Ken.
"Daisuke?" Ken asked, confused. One of his hands came up to tentatively touch Daisuke's back. The redhead rested his chin against Ken's shoulder, his arms now wound completely around Ken's slim waist. Daisuke had forgotten how good it felt to hold Ken.
"Hold me," Daisuke found himself saying. His eyes drifting shut as Ken's own arms wrapped around him a few moments later. His arms held him tightly and ended up pulling the redhead fully against Ken's chest. Daisuke didn't doubt Ken had done that purposely, as he had done it many times to Ken.
He buried his face into Ken's neck, concentrating on the feelings and smell of Ken. It felt so nice to be held. Ken's fingers caressed his back lightly, soothingly. Daisuke felt himself relaxed completely against the raven haired man.
Feeling Daisuke relax made him smile in relief. Ken understood–he felt–what Daisuke was telling him. Daisuke was going to work on healing himself and he was accepting Ken's help. The relief he felt was overwhelming.
So was the heartache that came with feeling Daisuke pressed so closely against him. He knew that in no way did it mean that Ken was getting another chance to be Daisuke's lover. Of course, Daisuke couldn't deal with one right now. But it was painful nonetheless. It made him feel like his feelings would forever be unrequited.
Yet he knew that if sacrificing any chance at a relationship would let Daisuke lead a healthy and truly happy life, then it was well worth it. Painful, but well worth it. Ken wouldn't regret it.
They didn't speak for a long time. Ken had lost track of time, sitting there with Daisuke in his arms and thoughts occupying his mind. Right now was the time to think, they had spoken enough. It was time to process and make game plans.
When Daisuke finally did pull away from him. Ken shivered. Though the redhead didn't move away from him completely, they weren't even at arm's length from each other. Daisuke was looking at him, studying his face. Or maybe just thinking while looking at him, Ken wasn't too sure.
"About us..." Daisuke began, looking down. "I don't know if–"
"I know," Ken interrupted. "Just friends."
"But you love me." Ken nodded and Daisuke looked anguished, guilty. Ken reached up and ran a hand through red hair.
"Which is why I can put you before everything." Even the heartache. Daisuke nodded a little and he was quiet again. Ken wondered if he dropped it.
"You may get over me during it all," Daisuke said, hopefully.
Ken shook his head. "I only love you," he repeated firmly.
"But that's not fair," Daisuke whined a little. The guilt shimmering in his brown eyes.
Ken sighed a little. "It's not a perfect world, life isn't fair. You know that. But just because you don't reciprocate my feelings doesn't mean I won't be just as happy seeing you happy."
Daisuke wrinkled his nose. He didn't look convinced and Ken wouldn't deny that it sounded like bull. But he would have to accept it. If the person you love doesn't love you back all you can truly do is wish they find happiness and love somewhere else. Ken at least knew that he could help Daisuke find happiness within himself. That was worth a lot. Almost as good as Daisuke loving him back... it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. But it was good enough.
"In a world where there are no happy endings Daisuke," Ken said. "Good enoughs carry a lot of weight."
Owari
First and foremost, there will be an Epilogue. Secondly, I'd like to apologize for the long wait. It was a longer wait than I actually expected it to be. There's an excuse but I doubt you people care.
Um, I'm sorry about it being un-betaed but my beta has been overly busy and has not been able to find the time. I got tired of waiting and posted it. I tried to catch as many mistakes as I could. But I hate beta reading my own things 'cause I stop grammar checking and start story editing instead. ;;; I swear I tried.
