Lost Memories of my Love

Chapter 16 – Emotion

The summer ended uneventfully. Rinoa kept re-reading the letter over and over again, just for the hell of it. After reading it the first time, she felt several mixed emotions all at once, flooding her mind. The first one was joy. She was so happy to finally read the letter she was supposed to read a year ago. She felt happy that Squall and her friends were safe and well. The second was worry. This letter was written a year ago. Anything could have happened in a year … and she hadn't heard anything since. No more letters, no phone calls … nothing. Then again, she was sure that there were way more messages than this one – Ashleigh or Sera probably took them all away from her. Next was remorse. She was wrong about Ashleigh changing Laguna's number on her phone and had an outburst over nothing. No wonder she couldn't reach Laguna's house.

Rinoa put these feelings aside and tried to focus on fixing things up, tried to figure out a way to get in contact with Squall. But … there was nothing she hadn't tried yet. It seemed all hope was lost … she couldn't do anything about it.

So she gave up for the time being and just went back to school again. She just had to be patient. Only three years left until Squall came back … just three years. She got through the first pretty well … it seemed like an eternity, but there was way more time left.

So she waited.

Half of the year was pretty good, aside from Ashleigh and her friends picking on her once in a while. Rinoa had gotten used to it after a while and just didn't care anymore. She studied hard and tried not to think about Squall and the others … it would have just made her sadder. Instead she concentrated on her studies, like a good girl.

But this concentration was broken half way through the year. One morning in homeroom, her instructor had called her up for some unknown reason. Rinoa was hardly ever called up personally, except in exams. Something must have happened.

"What is it, instructor?" asked Rinoa.

"She's in trouble!" shouted Ashleigh from the back of the room.

Rinoa's instructor shrugged Ashleigh's comment off his shoulders and looked at the younger girl. He must have been about Quistis's age, maybe a little older. He was extremely tall, looking down on Rinoa, almost threateningly.

"You have received a personal letter," said the instructor flatly.

"Oh?" Rinoa wasn't sure why the mail came to her through her instructor instead of through the usual mail system.

"It is from Instructor Trepe," informed the instructor, "It is marked very urgent."

Quistis?

"Oh, okay," said Rinoa, taking the envelope from her instructor, "Thank you, instructor."

Rinoa went back to her seat and ignored Ashleigh's attempts to peek at the paper in Rinoa's hands. She kept the letter close to her until lunchtime, where she retreated to the library for some peace and quiet. She was almost afraid to open the letter, but she did anyway.

Dear Rinoa,

How are you? This letter is meant to be concerning an urgent matter about Garden-related business, but nobody knows that. This is, however, relatively urgent. I hope this letter is issued to you without any interference and is for your eyes only.

Rinoa knew straight away Quistis was talking about Ashleigh. She bit her bottom lip nervously and continued reading.

Well, I just want to know … are you okay? We haven't heard from you in over a year. We've sent you dozens and dozens of letters, made several phone calls to your house, but there is no reply. Is everything all right?

No, everything is not all right, thought Rinoa.

You can tell me anything, I'm here to help, remember? Squall doesn't know I'm writing this letter to you, or else he would lecture me about breaking regulations about abusing the 'Garden urgency letter system'. Please reply through this system if you can't reply in any other way.

Please Rinoa, I am very concerned about you and for Squall. He hasn't said a word for ages. I can tell he is worried about you, and upset you haven't kept in touch for so long. But I am very sure that there is a good reason for this. He is returning to his … old behaviour again. He won't speak a word, not even to me.

You're the only person who can snap him out of this. Please reply.

Love always, Quistis.

Rinoa bit her bottom lip nervously and began fiddling with the rings on her chain. What was she supposed to do? She couldn't leave Squall the way he was … he was upset with her and that was going to bother her for the rest of her life if she didn't anything about it.

But what was she supposed to say? Hey Squall, I'm sorry I haven't replied, my nice stepsister and stepmother banned me from the phone and don't let me leave the house, and they don't want me ever talking to you ever again.

That was not going to do. If she said anything about Ashleigh and Sera not wanting her to be with him, then he would do what he thought was right and not see her anymore. He had a strong sense of duty … she knew that he wasn't going to mess with General Caraway's wife; it was in his nature to not upset the people he worked for. If he didn't do that, then we would march himself right back to Deling and beat the crap out of both Ashleigh and Sera, and possibly even Caraway.

As much as she wanted the latter, it was being selfish. She just wanted to get away from Ashleigh and Sera … and that was when she finished her Garden course, which happened to be the same year Squall came back. So she had to be patient.

But what was she supposed to do now? She couldn't just ignore Quistis's letter. There was no valid excuse – the urgency mail system apparently never failed. She had to reply, she had to say something … anything.

Rinoa ripped out a blank page from one of her books and got out a pen. She was going to write back … this was her chance. To keep in contact with Squall and the others.

Hello everyone,

Rinoa paused. She couldn't address it to everyone. She thought about it for a second, and decided to address it only to Quistis. She was going to tell the instructor everything. She trusted Quistis like a big sister … she knew Quistis would keep her secret.

She scrunched up the paper and threw it in the waste bin. She ripped out another piece of paper and started again.

Dear Quistis,

Thank you for writing to me. I've also been trying to keep in touch, but there were minor … setbacks. Thank you for taking advantage of your instructor powers, this might be the only way I can reach you guys.

Quistis … I have a lot I need to tell you. And YOU only. Please don't tell anyone else, especially Squall. If he found out the truth … then who knows what will happen? So please, I'm begging you, as your student, as your friend, as your sister … please don't tell Squall. I trust you with my life with what I'm about to tell you. I am begging you not to tell Squall.

So … the reason why I haven't kept in touch is because

Rinoa paused. How was she supposed to word it?

The reason why I haven't kept in touch is because I have been restrained from ever contacting you. I've been banned from the telephone, I don't have money to use a pay phone, I'm not allowed to go outside and the post office has a photo of me with the words 'do not let this girl send mail' under it.

It's because of … well, you remember Ashleigh, my bright stepsister, right? Well, she and my stepmother have a grudge held against me for some odd reason. I mean, I haven't done anything to them … I wish I could, though. But Caraway … he's expecting so much from me, and he's so enthusiastic about being a father now. He's home a lot more often ever since they moved in, and I'd hate to say it, but I might actually like him being around more often. I can't tell him, it will destroy him completely. I don't even know if he'll believe me.

Rinoa stopped again. It sounded pretty good so far. She didn't want to exaggerate, or else it might have looked like she was trying to get attention.

This has been happening for a long time now. I haven't told a single soul. The only person who knows is my stepbrother, Seifer … and now you. I just wanted to explain myself … so if you ever try to contact me again, you'll know why I can't answer.

Please don't tell Squall. He is going to go ballistic if he ever finds out. He kept on telling me how Ashleigh was such a nice girl and all … I bet if he found out, he's going to think I'm jealous or something. Just please don't tell Squall. Make up some excuse to the others, just please don't tell them anything I've told you.

Thanks so much, Quisty. I don't care how much you protest, I already believe that I have your word that you aren't going to tell anybody.

Love always, Rin.

Rinoa re-read the letter a couple of times to make sure everything was perfect. When she was satisfied, she folded the letter and put it in an envelope, enclosing her name and Quistis's on it. She headed to the office and waited at the front desk to give the letter to the secretary.

"Yes, how may I help you?" asked the secretary, peering under her half-moon glasses.

"I received an urgent letter from Instructor Quistis Trepe this morning," said Rinoa. "I've written a reply and I'm ready to send it off."

The secretary nodded and took the envelope from Rinoa's hands. "I'll send it off today. You do realise that if you receive a reply, that you aren't able to reply back again? It's Garden policy … no real urgent letter would need to drag on for so long."

Rinoa nodded slowly. "Yes ma'am."

"Good."

Rinoa left the office without another word. Please Quistis, I trust you with my life.

---

A couple of days later, Rinoa received a reply.

Rinoa,

Why didn't you tell me all of this before? You could have fixed it then. You shouldn't have left it going on for so long, this problem is almost unfixable now.

Yes Quistis, lecture me … I miss your lectures, thought Rinoa.

I cannot believe that you made me promise such a thing. I can't not tell Squall about all of this. He has a right to know about it, doesn't he? You are always telling him to tell you what goes on in his life, how he feels. And look at you; you're betraying your own expectation. If you don't tell him any time soon, he is going to be extremely angry. But don't worry; I'm not going to tell him or any of the others. You have my word, because I am expecting you to tell him. He won't think you're jealous, trust me.

Quisty … please don't make me feel guilty, thought Rinoa.

I honestly don't know what's happened to you, Rin. You used to be so full of it, so optimistic, so … 'I-don't-care-what-everyone-thinks'. Your stepmother and stepsister must be really bad if they've done something like this to you. I don't know whether to believe you loving your father is a good thing or a bad thing. But things won't stop unless you tell him about it. I am sure he will continue being a fatherly figure after this, and if he doesn't, then at least things will be back to normal, right? Isn't that what you want?

Maybe so, Quistis, thought Rinoa. But … things change, whether they are good or bad. All this time I took my father for granted, pushed him away when he tried to get close … but now that he is close, not exactly very close, but getting closer, I actually appreciate it. I'm beginning to understand the man, even learn to love him like I used to. But the only bad thing is, I have to share him with two other women.

If you want my advice, I say you tell your father. I know that may be hard for you since you're growing closer to him, but if you really are close enough, then he will understand. But if you think you aren't ready to tell him yet, I suggest you take things slow. Stand up for yourself; don't let them push you around. I don't suggest going too far, but at least stand up for yourself. Sometimes it's better to ignore some things, but sometimes it isn't. When you're feeling alone, go to your stepbrother, he seems to understand you.

That's all for now. I've told Squall that you called while he is was out, and said that your phone was broken and postage stamps are at a ridiculous price in Deling. Yes, it's a stupid excuse, but he bought it, didn't he? Just make sure you tell him soon, okay? I'm already assuming that I have your word for it.

Love Quistis.

---

The school year ended once again, and Rinoa took Quistis's letter very seriously. She wasn't going to tell her father yet … it was better if she left it later than sooner. She did go to Seifer for company whenever she felt down, but sometimes he just wasn't around. But one thing was for sure – she was definitely going to tell Squall. She had saved up thirty gil like last time, and was going to use the payphone at home to call the right number.

Two weeks of the summer passed, and Rinoa couldn't find a good time to sneak outside. Ashleigh was always awake when she checked, but soon she would have dozed off to find herself waking up in the morning again.

One afternoon, Ashleigh wasn't around. Rinoa felt tricky and decided to turn the tables – she was going to look through Ashleigh's stuff. Quistis said to stand up for herself, right? Maybe this was the first step.

Rinoa went to Ashleigh's bed and stuck her hands under it, pulling out a box that lay there. It was the same box that Squall had given the dress in … just the box brought back bad memories.

She lifted the lid, and to her amazement and horror, she found some items that were meant to be in her personal cupboard. There were dozens of photographs … they were all pictures of Squall and Rinoa, all in a messed up pile. The one that made her most angry was the one that used to be in a frame – the picture was torn in half, straight through Squall's arm that had been around her.

Ashleigh, I am going to kill you.

Rinoa snatched the photographs out of the box, only to find that underneath them was a pile of sheet music, messed up and out of order. Some were ripped up, some had huge black permanent marker lines going through them, and some were as they are.

Infuriated, Rinoa put all the stuff back in the box, picked it up and took it to her cupboard. She opened the door, which was unlocked. She hadn't noticed this before because she rarely went into her cupboard.

How did the bitch get into it? Rinoa searched her mind desperately. Then she remembered … the last time she opened her cupboard, she had forgotten to lock it. Rinoa mentally cursed herself for her carelessness.

She picked up the torn photograph of Squall and Rinoa, and joined it back together using clear sticky tape. The memory she wanted to take out of its shell was nearly destroyed … she had made a mistake to take it out of the frame. But then she tried to think positively, remembering why she took it out. This memory was supposed to become stronger, taking on as many slings and arrows as it could survive…

Rinoa put the mended photograph back on the shelf. She looked at the rest of the photographs, and then grabbed her photo albums off the second shelf. She flipped through the pages quickly, noticing straight away that many of them were missing from their slips.

She began to put all the photos back, not caring about the order anymore. She remembered when she got the photo album, she would add pictures in them as the events occurred, making the album like a storybook sequenced in chronological order. But she didn't care anymore … she just wanted the photos back in the slips.

When she was done, she looked at the totally destroyed sheet music. This added the cherry on the cake – Rinoa was flaming mad. This was just unfixable; she couldn't do anything to fix it.

"What are you doing?"

Rinoa turned around, already knowing who it was. She glared at her stepsister, who seemed to have looked annoyed and disgusted at the same time.

"What does it look like?" snapped Rinoa, "I'm putting the stuff you stole back to where it belongs."

"You're going through my things?" said Ashleigh, walking into the room angrily.

"Your things?" said Rinoa angrily, "These are MY things! You were the one who stole them!!"

"Shut your mouth, little girl," snarled Ashleigh, "You just left these things lying around. This is my room too. Whatever is in here is considered my property also."

Rinoa stood up in anger. "How can you say that!? You wouldn't destroy your own property, would you?"

"I didn't destroy anything," said Ashleigh, taking a step closer to Rinoa. "You're getting confused with the word destroy and adjust."

"ADJUST?" screamed Rinoa. "You flaming BITCH! You just don't know when to quit, do you? Is it your duty to make my life a living hell?!"

"How dare you!" shrieked Ashleigh. "You call me a bitch? Who's the little whore, two-timing your boyfriend, Squall?"

"What the hell are you talking about?" shouted Rinoa, "I'm not a whore!"

"WHORE!" shouted Ashleigh, much louder than she ever had before.

"Shut up!" screamed Rinoa.

"Whore! Whore! You're a little WHORE!"

Rinoa completely lost it then and there. She charged towards Ashleigh and knocked her down onto the floor, strangling her with passion. Ashleigh choked on her words, but the word whore could still be heard coming out of her mouth.

Ashleigh got a grip and pulled Rinoa's arms off her neck. She pushed Rinoa onto the floor and began slapping her face with all her might. She did beat Rinoa in all the practical exams.

Rinoa winced at the stinging pain in her cheeks. She got a hold of herself and grabbed Ashleigh's hair, pulling it in anger. For so long she wanted to do this to Ashleigh … exerting all this anger in a physical way was very satisfying for her, save for getting hurt herself.

"AGH! Stop that, whore!" Ashleigh grabbed at Rinoa's necklace and pulled the chain off with immense force. Griever and Julia's ring flew into the air and landed on the floor beside her. Rinoa looked at the rings and reached for them, but only ended up being tackled by Ashleigh and being hit in the face again.

Rinoa started screaming, no longer able to stand the pain. She was too busy concentrating on retrieving the rings that Ashleigh had overpowered her.

Finally, Rinoa reached the rings and closed them tightly in her hand. She pushed Ashleigh off of her and quickly yelled, "Sleep!"

Ashleigh, not expecting a spell coming from Rinoa, collapsed on her own bed and was soundly asleep. Rinoa picked up her chain and put the rings back on it, then secured it around her neck. She looked in the mirror and found a purple bruise forming on her cheek, as well as bite marks in her arm.

"Cure," she murmured, watching the marks disappear. She turned back to the sleeping Ashleigh, narrowing her eyes in hatred. She decided to keep Ashleigh's dignity strong for her by also casting a cure spell on her, but left her alone to sleep.

Please just leave me alone.

---

Lay in her bed that night, staring out the window that she left open, letting the moonlight shine in the room. She sat up, unable to sleep and glanced at her alarm clock. The bright red numbers read 12:03 am.

Rinoa opened the draw on her bedside table and pulled out the torn photograph of herself and Squall. She decided to keep the picture close by at all times, to keep it safe and keeping Squall close to her all the time.

She looked at it with sadness in her eyes. She felt so alone all of a sudden … she hated Ashleigh so much. It was her that took everything away from her. She was the reason why she was stuck in Deling alone. She thought back to everything that has happened to her … every single little thing that Ashleigh and Sera had made her go through.

The dress, trying to take her father away from her, the lies, trying to take her friends away from her, the two-faced-ness, the stealing, trying to take Squall away from her, stopping her from going to Esthar, locking her in the closet, banning her from the phone, not letting her outside, physically abusing her as well as verbally…

The list could have gone on forever.

A teardrop rolled down her cheek and dropped onto her pale hand. She ran her hand over the creases of the sticky tape, staring at Squall's elusive smile. She wanted his shoulder to lean on … she wished he was there for her to cry on, for her to embrace in a time like this…

Was it really her fault? Was it really her fault that Ashleigh and Sera hated her? There must have been some serious flaw in her to make them treat her the way they did. Were they jealous? They couldn't have been … there was nothing she had that they wanted.

She had nothing.

Rinoa heard footsteps outside her bedroom and fell on her bed again, closing her eyes shut to keep the tears from flowing. She kept the photograph clasped tightly in her hand as the bedroom door swung open.

Caraway walked into the room, looking at his two sleeping daughters. They looked peaceful. He couldn't remember the last time he walked into Rinoa's room just to make sure she was asleep. It must have been a good fourteen years ago.

He walked over to Ashleigh's bed and lifted her quilt, covering her whole body. He kissed her lightly on the forehead. Two daughters. He hadn't bargained for it. Now he could make a new start. He ruined his relationship with Rinoa; he wasn't going to let the same happen with Ashleigh.

Caraway made his way over to Rinoa's bed. He sat on the side of the mattress and patted her raven hair softly. She stirred a little bit, and then sat up, rubbing her eyes as if she were sleepy, but really she had been crying.

"Rinoa, you're still awake?" asked Caraway.

Rinoa looked at her father. "No … you … you woke me up," she said quietly.

He put his hand on his daughter's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

Rinoa shook her head. "It's … it's okay."

Caraway smiled warmly at her. He had forgotten how angelic she looked in the moonlight … just like her mother. "Good night, Rinoa."

"No … please don't go," said Rinoa quickly.

Caraway looked at Rinoa strangely.

"It's just…" Rinoa didn't know why she was acting so nice. She had just been thinking about her father … she never stopped to appreciate him. Now that she had to share him, she felt sorry for not appreciating him before. "I'm sorry … dad."

Caraway tilted his head in confusion. "Am I dreaming?"

Rinoa smiled weakly. "I'm just … so sorry…"

"For what?" asked Caraway, puzzled.

"For … for everything…" A teardrop fell from her earthen eyes. She couldn't believe it. It was like … her life was falling apart. She just noticed everything she really cared about … and it was too late. When she was a little girl, she always thought her mother was going to be there forever. How terribly wrong she was. But then when she met Squall and the others … she knew they were going to be there forever. But … she was wrong about that too. She never thought about her father. She just didn't care. But the one thing she didn't care about ended up being one of the most precious things to her. But why? Why hadn't she felt this way before? Now it was just beyond repair. She couldn't ever have a proper relationship with him now; Ashleigh and Sera were obstacles that she could never pass.

Caraway wiped away the tear from Rinoa's cheek. "Oh Rinoa, don't say that. Don't be sorry for anything. You shouldn't look back … just look forward. What's there, and what's going to be there … that's all that matters. Memories are just fragments of our minds … as much as we need them, we don't."

Rinoa smiled. The man didn't know a thing about what was going on, but it didn't matter to her. "Dad…?"

"Hmm?"

"I love you…"

Caraway smiled back at Rinoa. He never expected something like that to come from Rinoa any time soon. He must have been doing something right for once. "I love you too, angel."

Rinoa threw her arms around her father, holding him tight. Another tear slid down her face. She couldn't control her tears. She used to be so good at restraining herself from crying. But … things were different now. Very much different.

Caraway wrapped his arms around Rinoa. The feeling made her feel light. She hadn't felt someone's arms around her for so long. She missed the feeling so much. She missed the old feeling of security, reassurance … warmth.

"As much as I don't want this embrace to end," said Caraway, breaking the embrace, "I have to get to work."

Rinoa sniffled and nodded slowly, her eyes red with tears. She didn't mind this time. When she was a little girl, she would scream and cry whenever her father had to leave for work. Sometimes he wouldn't come back for days, weeks even, and it always brought distress to her. When Julia died, she felt even more scared … scared of being alone. But after a while, she just didn't care anymore. But this time, she didn't mind. There was a difference.

"Love you," said Caraway, getting off the bed and heading to the door.

"Dad…?"

He turned around and looked at Rinoa.

"Can I … can I go outside?" asked Rinoa, "Just for a walk?"

Caraway raised an eyebrow. "At this time? It's kind of dangerous out there, isn't it?"

"Dad, I'm a student at Garden," said Rinoa earnestly, "And I'm a sorceress…"

"Okay, okay," said Caraway quickly, "Don't get started. Just don't tell your mother. And promise me you're not going to the airport to fly to Esthar."

Rinoa was taken aback with the fact that Caraway still hadn't trusted her. "Of course I wouldn't…" She wasn't going to break her promise, to both Squall and Caraway. She was the kind of person who took vows seriously.

"Sure," said Caraway. "I'll leave the front door open." He said goodbye one last time and left the room. As his footsteps grew softer, Rinoa got out of bed and put on her boots. She grabbed Squall's letter with Laguna's new number on the back of it from her cupboard, took the thirty gil she saved up, and left the room.

She walked downstairs and stopped in her tracks when she found Sera sleeping on the couch. She didn't know why this was. Caraway let me out. Did he just do this because he had an argument with Sera and didn't care what she thought? Angered by the thought, she lost a little respect for her father.

She walked to the door and opened it quietly, careful not to wake Sera up.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Rinoa jumped in fright. Oh crap. She turned around and faced her stepmother slowly. "Outside."

"I clearly stated that you are not to leave the house at any time," said Sera sharply, "You would be so bold as to disobey me?"

Rinoa didn't say anything.

"Go back to your room," said Sera.

Rinoa didn't say anything at first. "…No."

Sera looked shocked. "Excuse me?"

"I'm going for a walk," said Rinoa simply. "I need some fresh air."

"Get back in here, missy," sneered Sera warningly.

"Or what?" asked Rinoa, challenging her, "You're going to my dear old father? Well get this, he was the one who let me out."

"Shut your trap of lies," hissed Sera, "And even if he did let you out … it was probably because he wanted to get rid of you."

Rinoa glared at the woman before her.

"Yes, angel, kidnapped maybe?" suggested Sera carelessly, "Run over by drunk hooligans on the road?"

"Sh-Sh…" Rinoa did not know why the words hurt her so much. She knew they weren't true … yet they hurt her so badly.

"Raped?" Sera laughed to herself. "No, who would want to rape you? You're as ugly as your whore-mother."

Rinoa lost it again. "Don't you dare talk about my mother! You have no right!"

Sera laughed again. "You're just like her. Always seeking attention … always wanting something or other. What, being a singer wasn't enough for her? She wanted to roll around in more filthy money, maybe?"

"S-S-Stop it!" said Rinoa. She wanted to just get out of the house and leave, but something stopped her. She couldn't move. It was like her legs were glued to the floor.

"No, she couldn't bear dying alone," said Sera, "Just like you. She lost that Laguna so she goes and marries another man rolling around in cash."

Rinoa clenched her fist tightly, her nails digging into her flesh. She wasn't going to do anything rash. She was going to control herself … she wasn't going to have an outburst as she had done with Ashleigh.

"Served her right being killed in that car accident," said Sera, "And what better than to have the most famous woman gone, and the next most famous woman known as the most famous? Oh yes, I'm damn glad I killed the little greedy whore."

Rinoa stared at Sera, wide-eyed. The woman was mad. She was obsessed with … with everything. Money, power, fame … she was a monster. She had no remorse killing the General's wife and then marrying him for his money. Now she understood why she wanted Ashleigh to get close to Squall … for his money.

"Oh, speechless now?" said Sera, "You couldn't shut up a second ago."

Tears streamed from Rinoa's eyes. She couldn't handle it anymore. It was just too much. So much pressure, so much suffering, so much loss. She couldn't take any of it anymore. She wasn't angry, she was now terrified. She didn't know if things were going to turn out good for her. She was sure she was cursed … cursed for life. Nothing good was going to happen to her anymore. She was sure more bad things were just going to keep occurring.

There was nothing more she could do. She opened the door and ran outside, down the streets and across the roads, shedding tears of silence and suffering as she ran for dear life.

A/N: Wee ... the actual fight you've all been waiting for. Not much, but it's a start :D But anyway, I'm going to try and update as much and quick as I can before I go on vacation, which is on Tuesday morning ... for about six weeks you probably won't hear from me, so I'm just going to try and get to the important bit :)