A/N: Guess who's back!!! Yeah ... six weeks since my last update ... boo hooo. I hope you guys haven't forgotten about the fic! And ... don't worry about any OOC-ness from now on for another two chapters ... it all falls down onto my evil plan ... muahahahahahaha ... cough.
Lost Memories of my Love
Chapter 17 – Undying Desire
She ran and she ran. She just wanted to keep running … to never stop. She thought she could just keep running, leaving all her troubles behind. She couldn't stand it anymore. Deling City held her worst nightmares, her worst memories. She hated them all. She just wanted to forget everything. Forget about her sorrow, her pain … forget everything.
She stopped when she reached the payphone in the middle of the shopping mall street. She fell onto it, her palms landing flat on the cold metal. Silent tears streamed down her face as the night breeze blew her hair back, making some strands stick to her lips. She got a hold of herself as she set Squall's letter down and picked up the receiver, dialling the numbers in front of her.
Stop crying, she told herself. She didn't want Squall to hear her like this. She wanted to sound happy to hear his voice, to be able to talk to him. But … she was going to tell him the whole story. She had to. She promised Quistis … and Quistis always knew best.
"Hello?"
Rinoa stopped thinking and her heart beat faster when she heard his voice. "S-Squall…"
"Rinoa?" Squall's tone of voice lifted. "Is that you, Rin?"
Rinoa smiled weakly and nodded. "Y-Yeah … it's me."
"Oh Hyne, Rin," said Squall, his voice full of concern, "I thought you'd forgotten about us. Why haven't you been in touch?"
Rinoa sniffled. "I'm sorry … Squall." Another tear rolled down her cheek. She couldn't control her tears. She didn't know whether it was the past occurring events or just hearing Squall's voice again that made her cry. But something inside her was full of sorrow.
"It's okay," said Squall, "Is your phone fixed?"
Rinoa sniffled again. "N-No … I'm using a payphone."
"Rin! That's going to cost a fortune!" said Squall suddenly.
"I … I don't c-care…"
"Rin? Are you crying?" asked Squall.
Rinoa burst into hysterical tears at that moment. Oh, Squall…
"What's wrong?" Squall tried to keep his voice comforting rather than sharp. He was worried about her … he didn't want to make it worse by sounding edgy. He had been feeling very moody lately.
"I…" Rinoa was beginning to tell Squall about it all. She was going to come out with it all. But … what stopped her? No words left her mouth. It was as if she lost her voice. She just couldn't tell him … something stopped her. She didn't want him getting upset because she hadn't told him before. Or worse, she didn't want him to be confused as to what he should have been doing. She knew he wouldn't know what to say or do … and she just didn't want that.
"Rin?" said Squall again when he was met with silence.
Rinoa sniffled again. "I … it's just…" She paused as she wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "I just … miss you so much, Squall."
It was partly true, wasn't it? She did miss Squall so much. But she cursed herself for not coming out with the whole, real story. She wasn't sure how long she was going to last without telling him, if ever telling him. Maybe when he came back the whole thing would blow over and she could just forget about it.
I just want to forget.
"Oh," said Squall in relief, "I miss you too, Rin."
As much as his tone was unconvincing, the words lifted her head up high a little. Rinoa knew he must have missed her, even if he didn't really sound like it. She glanced at the little screen on the payphone. She had used up ten gil of her credit already.
"Rin?"
Rinoa sniffled again. "I'm … I'm sorry."
"Rin, are you okay?" asked Squall in concern. It couldn't have just been the fact that she missed him. There had to be something else.
"I…" Rinoa couldn't stand listening to his voice anymore. The more she heard it, the more she wanted him by her side. She missed him so much … she missed everything so much. She just wanted everything to be fine again. She just wanted everything to be the way they used to be…
"I'm s-sorry, S-Squall," she said through gasps, "I … I'm running out of credit."
"What?" There was a little bit of panic in his voice. "Rin, you just called me … you can't go yet. I haven't talked to you for two years…"
"I…I'm sorry," she whispered, "I m-miss you …just two more y-years…"
Before Squall could say anything, she hung up the phone and collected the remaining gil she had. She wasn't going to call him again, not now, not ever. She was going to wait until he came back. Then, she would tell him. She knew every time she called him she would have been in emotional distress and just burst into fits of hysterical sobs. She didn't want that.
When he comes back, everything will be fine, thought Rinoa. Everything will be great … everything will return to the way things were. I won't have to worry about anything. Squall will make everything better. He … he always does.
Rinoa left the phone booth and walked away to a place she always went to when she had the chance. She walked to Deling Bridge, climbing up the steps. Every step was a giant one, and with every step, the top of the bridge seemed further away. She tightly clutched onto Squall's letter, almost scrunching it up.
She finally reached the top of the bridge. She walked to the railing on the side and leaned her elbows on it, placing her chin on her hands. Looking out from the bridge made her feel a lot better. Staring at the beauty of Deling City by night took her pain away and dried her tears. She felt the wind on her shoulder. It was like the wind was embracing her, wrapping itself around Rinoa, making her feel secure, like she always felt when someone's arms were around her.
"Big sister Rinoa!"
The voice seemed unfamiliar at first, but as Rinoa turned around and saw the bright little face staring up at her, she remembered right away.
"Oh, hello there…" Rinoa searched her memory for the girl's name. "…Sierra!"
The girl smiled up at her. She looked a little older than the last time she met her. She was a little taller, her hair a little longer, but her eyes were as innocent as ever. Rinoa bent down to reach eye-level with the girl, and flipped a strand of Sierra's hair behind her ear.
"I haven't seen you in a long time," said Sierra.
Rinoa smiled. "How are you, Sierra?"
"I'm good," answered the girl, "I'm trying to get a job, but everyone says I'm too little. Mum wants to get a job but she's sick all the time, and we don't have enough money to take her to the hospital."
"Sick?" said Rinoa.
"Yes," said Sierra, nodding, "She has cancer. Eye cancer. She can't see much."
"Oh, I'm sorry…" Rinoa ran her fingers through Sierra's fine hair. She pitied the girl, but she knew nothing of pity. She knew Sierra didn't want her pity, but Rinoa couldn't help but feel sorry for her.
Sierra shook her head. "It's okay. Big brother is trying to make money for us."
"That's nice," said Rinoa.
"How come you're out here?" asked Sierra curiously, "I haven't seen you for ages."
Rinoa smiled. "Just going for a walk. I'm feeling a bit down."
"Ooh." She paused. "Don't be sad. You don't get anything from being sad. That's what big brother told me."
Rinoa stood up and looked down at the girl. She reached into her pocket and handed her the remaining gil she had from her phone call. Now she knew she wasn't going to call Squall again. She vowed she wouldn't.
"Again?" Sierra looked up at Rinoa disapprovingly.
"I don't need it," replied Rinoa. "Please take it. It'll make me happy."
Sierra frowned. "You can't keep giving me money."
"Keep giving you money?" said Rinoa with a soft laugh. "This is only the second time, missy."
"But … what do I give you in return?" she asked innocently.
"How about…" Rinoa paused to think. "Give me a hug. A huge, tight one."
Sierra beamed up at Rinoa. "Deal!" She took the money from Rinoa's hand and threw her arms around Rinoa, holding her tightly. Rinoa bent down and embraced held her back just as tightly, smiling silently to herself.
"This isn't the last you'll hear from me, Rinoa," said Sierra, letting go of Rinoa.
Rinoa laughed. "I'm sure it isn't, Sierra. Hold your head up high … and don't look back, all right?" Rinoa mimicked her father's words … those words meant a lot to her.
Sierra nodded slowly. "And don't be sad. It won't do anything for you."
Rinoa believed the girl's words, and with that, she said goodbye and went home, feeling slightly better with herself.
---
The rest of the summer passed by. Rinoa avoided Sera at all costs, just not daring to look her in the eye anymore. She knew she was showing cowardice, but she didn't know what else could come from the woman. But she didn't care. At least nobody that mattered was there to see her acting so weak. Maybe Seifer could tell, but even Seifer didn't know her well enough to see her pain that she hid away from everyone else. She was always cheerful around everyone at home, even to Ashleigh then, but nobody knew about the tears she shed at night.
Nobody.
It was the last night of the summer, and Rinoa was packing her things for Garden. She was under-packed, with nothing she really needed to bring. She didn't need much to get through the year. But she was almost there … she was so close to the time Squall and the others came back. The hardship was almost over … it was almost finished.
When she had finished packing, she made her way to her balcony, staring into the night horizon ahead of her. The backyard looked dull and lifeless at night, but the darkness made it look fantastical. She took a deep breath and was mentally prepared to face the challenges of the year. Nothing could have been worse than what had already happened in the past few years.
"Suddenly a night-time person, huh?"
Rinoa glanced around her balcony to find that nobody was around. Then she realised that it was Seifer on his balcony, which happened to be right next to hers.
"How did you know I was out here?" asked Rinoa curiously.
Seifer leaned on the wall separating the two balconies. "I'm not a top-class SeeD for no reason, you know."
Rinoa smiled. "I'm just enjoying the last night of Deling…"
"You enjoy Deling now?" retorted Seifer, "Even with everything this place lies, you still enjoy it?"
"Maybe so," said Rinoa, "But … this is the place I grew up in. Sure, it holds bad memories … but there are also the good ones. What place has good memories alone?"
Seifer smirked. "I have something for you."
Rinoa turned her head to the right in curiosity. "Really? How intriguing. I wonder what it could be."
Seifer got off the wall and leapt over his balcony and onto Rinoa's, taking Rinoa by complete shock.
"Don't you ever do that again," said Rinoa, stepping back from him.
Seifer smirked. "It really does cut it, you know."
"Huh?"
"Being an almost-SeeD," said Seifer.
Rinoa smiled. She spotted a piece of paper in his hand and her curiosity grew. "What's that?"
"My present," answered Seifer. He handed Rinoa the large piece of paper. "Well, not really mine."
Rinoa smiled as she took the piece of paper. She looked at it, and to her amazement, it was a beautiful piece of art. It was a profile image of Rinoa, sitting on the ground with huge white wings from her back. She had her eyes closed with her knees huddled up to her chest and her chin sitting on top. She looked sad, but so beautiful at the same time. She sat in a field of flowers, with the sky a patchy grey. Around the sitting Rinoa were flowers and feathers, scattered across the ground. It was very realistic and life-like, but that wasn't exactly what had made her so happy.
She turned the paper around and on the back, there was a message.
Big sister Rinoa,
I told you that you wouldn't hear the last of me yet. This is my present for you for the times you gave me money. I drew it for you because you had angel wings on your clothes and you reminded me of an angel. Please don't be sad.
Love Sierra.
"Sierra?" said Rinoa in shock. "Sierra drew this?"
Seifer nodded.
"But … but she's…"
"Eleven years old?" said Seifer, "Yeah. But her artwork is so enticing. She has the skills of a thirty-year-old, the eyes of an infant, and a heart of gold. Age doesn't mean anything to her."
Rinoa couldn't believe it. It was so hard to believe a girl like Sierra could draw with such amazing skill … it was amazing. She turned the paper around and saw the picture in a whole new light.
"Wait … you know Sierra?" said Rinoa.
"Uh … well, yeah," said Seifer, "All those artworks you saw weren't mine. They're Sierra's. I just buy her paper and paints and stuff. She's a really bright kid."
"Wait…" Rinoa paused. "You're her 'big brother', aren't you?"
Seifer grinned sheepishly.
Rinoa grinned. "And to think … careless, tough, almost-SeeD Seifer looks after homeless kids with blind mothers? I never expected that!"
Seifer shrugged. "I'm unpredictable."
Rinoa laughed. "I knew there was a heart somewhere in there."
Seifer loosened up a little. He took a step closer to Rinoa and put a hand on her shoulder, looking down at her earthy brown eyes.
"Seifer…?" Rinoa looked up at her stepbrother, puzzlement on her expression.
"Yes, Rinoa … I do have a heart," said Seifer. He paused. "Rinoa…"
Rinoa blinked. "Is there something wrong?"
"I need to ask you something," he said.
"Shoot," said Rinoa openly.
"Do you…" His voice lowered all of a sudden, with a sudden softness in it. "Do you love me?"
Rinoa looked up at him, her eyes still filled with confusion. "Of course I do … you're my brother."
Seifer sighed in irritation. "Not … not as your brother."
"Then what then?" Rinoa did not like where this conversation was leading.
Seifer kept his straight face on. "As … as a guy."
Rinoa's heart started pounding madly inside her chest. How could she let this happen? Why was this happening? For a second she wasn't sure if she heard right. But her ears never played tricks on her, nor did her mind. So why was she so confused? She wanted Seifer to learn to like her … but not like this…
"I…"
"I love you, Rinoa Heartilly." Before Rinoa could reply, she felt his lips pressed against hers, kissing her passionately. Rinoa's eyes bulged in fear and confusion at the same time. His lips were cold like ice … she pulled away from Seifer, a million thoughts running through her mind.
"S-Seifer!" she cried, pushing his hand off her shoulder with more force than she had intended. "You're … you're my stepbrother…"
Seifer, not ready to accept the rejection, was ready to plead his case. "You don't like me, Rinoa Heartilly?"
"It's … it's not that," said Rinoa uncomfortably, taking a step back from him. "I do like you … just not in that way…"
"You're mocking me now?" demanded Seifer.
"I'm … I'm not!" said Rinoa, almost in fear. She was afraid of what was going to happen next. "Why … why, Seifer? Why do you love me? I'm sure you don't … you just think that…"
"How can you say that?" said Seifer, "You … nobody's ever acted the way you have towards me. All my life, nobody has ever treated me with respect. Somebody is always pushing me, pulling me … but I'm strong. I never let it get to me. Nothing ever gets to me. But you … you have gotten to me. You talked to me when nobody else would. You cared about me … you made me forget about the hellhole that I called home. You remembered my birthday when nobody else would. You stood up for me … you stood by me. That is why I love you, Rinoa."
Rinoa's breaths became quick and shallow. She didn't know what to say. She never intended something like this to happen. She only did what her nature told her to, and that was welcome Seifer, be nice to him … care about him like a sister. But look where it took her … this wasn't what she wanted.
She didn't say anything to Seifer. She remained silent, staring at him in utter fear. She didn't want to hurt him. She didn't want to say anything that could possibly wreck their relationship. Her thoughts were occurring too slowly. She couldn't think of anything to say to him.
"So do you love me or not?" asked Seifer.
Rinoa took another step back, afraid to answer. Say yes and tell a lie … say no and tear him a part. She didn't want either … so what was she supposed to say? She was going to say nothing. She wasn't going to answer.
"Answer me, Rinoa," said Seifer, his tone of voice growing desperate. Grabbing her wrist, making sure she wasn't going anywhere.
Rinoa didn't pull away and just stared at him in fear.
"Answer me!"
Rinoa remained silent. She wanted to get away … she wanted to wake up and see things they were yesterday. But she couldn't … this was reality, which just grew harder.
"Answer me, Rin—"
"What the hell?"
Seifer and Rinoa turned towards her bedroom, to find Ashleigh standing in there, looking absolutely mortified. To an outsider, the scene looked threatening. It looked as if Seifer was going to murder a terrified Rinoa at any moment, holding her in place for the crime.
Seifer swore aloud when he saw Ashleigh. He said nothing else, let go of Rinoa, and hopped of the balcony back to his own. Rinoa, for the first time, was grateful to see Ashleigh. Her look of fear disappeared as she walked back into her bedroom as if nothing happened.
"Is … everything okay?" asked Ashleigh, quite out-of-characterly.
Rinoa sat down on her bed and looked at her stepsister. "Everything is just fine, Ash. Just fine." Fine was a statement meaning normal. Nothing was normal in Rinoa's life. The strangeness and misfortune was normal, it was fine.
