Lost Memories of my Love
Chapter 18 – Almost Here
The following school year wasn't exactly comfortable for Rinoa. Seifer would ask the same question at every chance he could. He tried to do it when nobody was around, but Rinoa would always avoid answering in some way or another. But how long could she keep the game up? She couldn't avoid him forever. But that time was later … when she felt the right time to answer.
When asking in private didn't work, Seifer took things on whole different level. He made it public … very public.
"Rinoa!"
Rinoa was in the classroom, packing up the rest of her things when Ashleigh tapped her on the shoulder with an urgent look. Her stepsister pointed to the classroom window, where about half a dozen girls stood gazing outside it and murmuring.
Confused, Rinoa followed Ashleigh to the window and squeezed through the girls and looked out. What was out there made her completely flustered. Seifer sat outside on the ground holding up a huge sign saying 'Answer me, Rinoa.'
"Ooh Rinoa, looks like the hottie has a thing for you," said one of the girls at the window.
"Looks like Commander Leonheart has competition!"
It seemed that nobody knew that Seifer was her stepbrother, and that was a good thing, or the gossip and rumours was just going to get worse than it already was.
"No … it's just something else that's … trivial," answered Rinoa, blushing furiously.
She moved away from the window quickly with a suspicious glare following her from Ashleigh.
A few weeks later, Rinoa walked into the girl's bathroom, pushing past a smug Fujin. As she washed her hands, she glanced up at saw in black marker 'Answer me' written on the wall. Embarrassed, Rinoa walked out of the bathroom as if she didn't see anything.
She had countless encounters with Seifer for the rest of the year with the same question held up against her … "Do you love me, Rinoa?" She avoided answering the question at all cost, even if it meant tagging along with Ashleigh. Yes, Rinoa had resorted to hanging around Ashleigh for protection, because she knew Seifer would never run into her with Ashleigh around. The two stepsisters were slowly getting to know each other better because of this.
I'm losing the respect of Seifer but gaining the respect of Ashleigh, Rinoa always thought to herself. Why did it have to be so double-edged? Why couldn't they all just get along? But she knew that wasn't possible.
On the last day of the school year, Rinoa avoided catching the same train as Seifer. She decided to catch the next train to Deling instead, so she went to the beach once more, just as the other year before it was crowded with students. It was a good day to be there … the sky was a patchy grey and it was pretty cold for a summer day. Black clouds scorched across the sky, giving warning of rain any second. She stood on the same rocky crags, staring off into the ocean.
When I need you … you're almost here, and I know that's not enough…
Rinoa sighed. Almost here … everything was almost over. The four long, lonesome years were almost over. She had experienced many new things … a feeling of loneliness, sadness, pain, discovering things she never knew, relationships being broken and made … she couldn't say that she detested it all, because she didn't. It all taught her something.
And when I'm with you … I'm close to tears, because you're only almost here…
She hadn't kept in touch with Squall for so long. Did he worry about her like she worried about him? She tried to keep the thought of him and the others off her mind, but it was too hard sometimes. She kept him close to her heart, which was just like him being with her. The symbol Griever reminded her of Squall … which made her feel secure, knowing that he was close by.
But not there. And the thought made her weak in the knees.
"Do you love me, Rinoa?"
Rinoa's train of thoughts stopped at the voice. She dreaded to hear the voice. No, not the voice … just the question.
She turned around and found Seifer standing behind her. There was no escape this time. He caught her off guard and alone…
Rinoa put a fake smile on her face. "How did you know I was here?"
Seifer smirked. "I know you better than you think."
There was silence between the two of them. All that was heard was the crashing of the ocean waves. Rinoa scratched her arm uncomfortably. She had to say something. But sometimes silence said everything.
"Please answer me, Rinoa," said Seifer. His voice was no longer harsh and desperate. It was soft and calm, matching his expression perfectly. "Please."
Rinoa sighed deeply. "Seifer…"
"Please," said Seifer. "You can't just keep walking away from me. I need to know."
"…What if I do?" said Rinoa quietly.
"Then I'll be the happiest, luckiest guy on the planet," said Seifer with a smirk.
Rinoa looked down at her feet as it began to drizzle. The raindrops tingled at her skin; sending cold shivers down her spine. She was afraid to say anything else.
"And … what if I don't?" asked Rinoa, looking up at Seifer.
Seifer frowned slightly. "Then … I'll leave you alone. I probably won't be able to look you in the eye ever again."
The rain began to pour on the two of them, but neither party minded. The sudden rush of water was like an adrenaline … cleansing Rinoa's dark heart filled with guilt and confusion. As the rain grew heavier, Rinoa grew colder, but Seifer did not move and neither did she. He was expecting an answer then and there, no matter what the weather was. Rinoa was just afraid to answer.
"Please answer me."
Rinoa closed her eyes as the wind whistled on her shoulder. She shivered in coldness and could taste the rain on her lips. She did not love him as a lover … she knew that. Her heart belonged to Squall, and his with her. Seifer was her brother, her friend. He was there when Squall wasn't … but there was no spark between them. She had a strong suspicion that Seifer was only thinking he loved her … when really, he felt the same way she did about him, and that was a strong friendship.
But she did not want to hurt him. She had turned down many guys in the past, because they were all teenagers with raging hormones. In a way, she was too, but she hadn't cared much about boys in those days. True, she was much more a teenager than Squall ever was, but all of those dates were just child's play, it was nothing real. Besides, those boys were only physically attracted to her. They wouldn't know jack about her if she paid them.
But Seifer … he was different. He had known her for about four years, and he knew her very well. But even those feelings took time to evolve, and it probably wasn't true love. She loved Squall from the start; from the very moment she laid eyes on him. Her love for him only grew stronger with every passing second. To her, this was true love. Maybe she was a little young to know this … but you're never too young to feel this way.
She opened her eyes again, the raindrops on her eyelids rolling away slowly. She was drenched and cold, but the pressure and fear inside her couldn't compare. But when she opened her eyes, her vision was somewhat blurry. For a split second, she thought it was Squall who stood in front of her, but her senses knocked in and Seifer was once again in view.
I'm going insane, thought Rinoa.
There was a great similarity between both Squall and Seifer. Squall and Seifer may have been alike, but there was only one Squall and only one Seifer. Both men were important to her. She didn't want to hurt either. Lose a brother or lose the love of her life? The thought frightened her.
"Answer me now, Rinoa."
Her vision became blurry again as more heavy raindrops fell onto her. She rubbed her eyes softly, but the friction only burned her eyes. She blinked long and hard, and when she opened her eyes, she found herself falling backwards from the cliff and into freezing ocean. The water didn't sting her as it did last time, in fact, her body was numb with cold.
"S-Seifer…!" she cried out as the waves violently pushed her under the water.
Rinoa tried to raise her body above the water, but she failed. The waves kept pushing her down. Her eyes stung as the salty water nipped at her face. She held her breath as she tried to get out of the water, but the tide washed her further and further away. Her chest throbbed as she felt her heart pounding inside her chest.
Then suddenly … Squall was there again as he was the last time she was hallucinating. Was this a hallucination? It felt so real … she could feel every sting, every pound, as the violent ocean tossed her around. But Squall was there in front of her, in the water, growing further and further away. He was as dry as a bone, and he was smiling, beckoning for her to come towards her.
She screamed his name, only to find water entering her mouth. She screamed his name once again, and that was when it ended. Everything went black and she couldn't see, feel or hear anything. Nothing existed anymore.
"Rinoa!" Seifer roared in concern. She was acting strangely all of a sudden. She clutched at her chest tightly until her knuckles turned white. Her teeth were chattering and her eyes were widened in fright. Suddenly, her eyes drooped and were shut completely. Her grip released at her heart as she collapsed.
With quick reflexes, Seifer caught Rinoa before she hit the rocks. She was as drenched as he was. Her skin was cold and her lips were blue. The cold wind and rain must have made her cold and faint. She wasn't a physically built person, and Seifer was concerned.
He touched her forehead to find that it was freezing. He ran his fingers through her wet hair for a moment, slowly making his fingers trace over her cold, blue lips. Snapping out of his thoughts, he took off his white trench coat and carefully wrapped it around Rinoa for extra warmth. After that, he put her on his back as if giving her a piggyback, and made his way quickly back to Garden in search for a doctor.
As he ran back into the Garden, he pushed past a dozen confused and murmuring people, leaving a wet trail behind him. He rushed into the infirmary, holding onto Rinoa tight. Doctor Kadowaki looked up from her desk at the disturbance.
"Doc, I have a serious case here," said Seifer breathlessly.
"Nonsense, you look perfectly fine, Mr Almassy … besides wet," said Doctor Kadowaki, knowing Seifer very well for injuring several other students.
"Not me," said Seifer, irritated. "Rinoa."
The doctor stood up and examined the girl on Seifer's back, unconscious but looking tranquil and perfectly still.
"Lay her down, please," said the doctor.
Seifer obediently lay Rinoa down on the infirmary bed with his coat still wrapped around her. Her lip twitched once or twice as Seifer took a couple of steps back for Doctor Kadowaki to examine the patient.
"How long have you been standing out in the rain?" asked the doctor. "Which, might I add, is a stupid thing to do…"
"Twenty minutes … at most," replied Seifer, ignoring the doctor's remark.
After Doctor Kadowaki did all her doctor things – that was, using funny instruments, typing things in her computer, reading Rinoa's medical file … she finally cast a simple cure spell on the unconscious girl.
Seifer slapped his forehead when he realised that he hadn't thought about it himself. He was just so worried and was panicking madly when Rinoa passed out, he didn't know what to do.
Rinoa's eyes fluttered open. Her lips were still blue and she was still shivering, even in the warmth of the infirmary.
"What … what happened?" asked Rinoa, snuggling tighter into Seifer's coat. "All I remember is … falling into the ocean … and … and I couldn't breathe…"
Seifer and Doctor Kadowaki exchanged glances.
"You didn't fall into the ocean," said Seifer.
Rinoa shivered and didn't say anything.
"The cold was gnawing at your body," said the doctor, "Wind and water isn't a good mix. Your respiratory system isn't very strong."
"How long do I have to stay here…?" asked Rinoa.
"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.
"…Cold, but I'm getting there…" Rinoa wiped some of the rain on her forehead with the back of her hand.
"Stay here until you feel better," said Doctor Kadowaki.
Rinoa nodded. "I … I think I'll get some sleep." She didn't want to face Seifer's question again. Instead, she wordlessly unwrapped Seifer's jacket and handed it back to her stepbrother. When he took it, she lay down in the bed and closed her eyes, getting ready to sleep.
Seifer wasn't going to interfere with her healing, so he left the infirmary without another word. He still hadn't received and answer … and he needed one. He was going to pursue her at all costs.
-
Caraway had heard about Rinoa's pass out and let her stay at Garden until she got better. Rinoa decided to take this option to her advantage and ended up staying the whole summer, when in fact she was as healthy as ever. This way it was easier to avoid Seifer and his question asking. She knew of many places to flee to when she wanted to be avoided.
The summer ended and the school year began again. Rinoa was getting good at avoiding Seifer and she was beginning to respect Ashleigh at a limited level. She usually hung around her stepsister whenever Seifer was in sight, or whenever she knew Seifer could reach her. Ashleigh and Rinoa got along so much that she had convinced Caraway to let them both stay at Garden for the two-week vacations through the year.
The school year once again came to a close, and Rinoa was over the moon. She had finished her preliminary Garden course and the senior years were optional, but she felt she had learnt enough. Squall and the others were coming back in a week. The mere thought of it made her heart soar and she was always excited. She was imagining the whole thing in her head. They meet, they hug, they catch up … they move away, they live happily ever after … and everything is fine again.
Rinoa might have gotten away with staying at Garden for the whole year, but her father called her and Ashleigh home for the summer. Rinoa didn't mind, she didn't care at all … even if she had to meet up again with Sera; she didn't give a damn, because Squall was coming back soon and that was all that mattered.
It was one day before Squall came back, and Rinoa was sitting in the living room looking through lifestyle magazines, already planning her future. It was then that she had remembered that it was her turn to retrieve the mail. It was just Ashleigh and Rinoa home that day, and Ashleigh had been kind enough to leave the door open, on the condition that Rinoa get the mail for her … just this one time.
Her twenty-first birthday was a week ago, and she was taking her coming of age to advantage and was drinking more than enough booze than her mother would let her while the parents weren't home.
Rinoa reached into the mailbox and pulled out all the envelopes in there. She skimmed through all the paper, looking for anything for herself, and she was met with a letter for her with an envelope with an Estharian stamp on it addressed to her.
As she walked inside, Rinoa set the mail on the counter except her own. She opened the envelope, heart skipping beats when she saw Squall's name at the back of one of them.
Dear Rinoa,
I really hope this letter gets to you. If it doesn't, then it's okay, it's not really important. But I'm just making sure. We're coming back a day earlier.
A day earlier? That was today! Rinoa was already grinning in glee.
The flight was scheduled earlier than planned. If you got this letter, don't meet us at the airport. Meet us at Deling Bridge at around seven thirty at night, your time. We'll be heading there first because we have news for you and we need you in this. If this letter doesn't get to you, it's okay; we'll come to your house if you don't show up. We have heaps to tell you.
Squall.
Rinoa's heart skipped beats even more. It was quarter to seven already, and it usually took about half an hour to walk to the bridge from the Caraway house. Excited, Rinoa folded up the letter and ran upstairs to her room. She rushed past Ashleigh, who had an empty bottle of vodka on the floor. She was sitting on her own bed, doing her nails.
"What's wrong?" asked Ashleigh, looking up.
"I'm going to meet someone," said Rinoa, slipping on her boots. She frantically fixed up her hair in the mirror, ignoring Ashleigh's quizzical looks.
"Who?" asked Ashleigh.
Rinoa, caught up in all the excitement, answered her without thinking. "Squall." She picked up her purse and ran out the door, leaving a stunned Ashleigh staring after her.
Squall. The mere mention of his name triggered back Ashleigh's memory. For so long, she had avoided the subject with Rinoa. The two of them never talked about him … the thought just never occurred. But at that very moment, Rinoa and Ashleigh's bond, weak as it may be, was completely flushed out of Ashleigh's mind. It was like it was four years ago. Ashleigh was jealous all over again. There were two main reasons why Ashleigh disliked Rinoa in the first place. One was because of her mother's hatred towards her, and the other was Squall.
Then her mother's words came back to her. She and Ashleigh had talked about Squall very frequently when Rinoa wasn't around. Ashleigh would always swoon over how mysterious and handsome and cool Squall was, and then act bitter because he belonged to Rinoa. Sera's words were … 'Don't worry, Ashleigh. The Loire boy and Rinoa won't last long … I have done all in my power to keep the two of them separated for as long as possible. Four years is a long time … in that time both of them would have moved on and forgotten about each other. Distance and time is always an issue. The Loire boy will be all over you … don't worry, Ashleigh, you will be together. If you want Rinoa out of the picture, you need to do whatever it takes to get rid of her. Whatever it takes.'
Ashleigh always thought that her mother really cared about the way she felt, but little did she suspect that Sera was actually only interested in Ashleigh and Squall being together because Squall had power and money … and Sera loved that.
Ashleigh believed in her mother. She ate up everything Sera fed her, and that was what made her weak. Squall was her motivation to hate Ashleigh … and Squall was back.
Ashleigh abandoned her manicure set and rushed out of the room, down the stairs and grabbed her mother's car keys.
-
Rinoa crossed the roads and streets of Deling. The sky was a harsh red colour, and it was almost dark. She fiddled with Griever on her neck, excited that Squall was finally back. She couldn't wait to see him and the others. She missed them more than anything in the world … she wanted nothing more than to reunite with them.
She opened her purse and pulled out a single photograph. The photograph … of her and Squall at the beach, torn right down the middle with sticky tape holding it together. She stared at Squall's smiling face … tranquil and truly happy. She was overwhelmed with joy, knowing that she could see him again.
She was almost at the Bridge. It was dark by that time, and the area was deserted, like usual. Everybody was on the bridge … that was, all the poverty-stricken people. She had to cross one more street, but she stopped dead in her tracks when she saw the backs of Squall and Quistis on the bridge.
Her heart soared. "Squall!" She held on tightly to the photograph.
Squall and Quistis turned around, and then the faces of Irvine, Selphie and Zell were in sight. They looked off the bridge as Rinoa started waving furiously at them.
"Rinoa!" yelled Quistis, waving with a smile.
She just stood there with the biggest grin on her face. They all looked so different ... older, more mature. Even in the dark, she could see her friends' radiant faces. Four years was a long time … how she had forgotten how her friends looked like. She regretted not being there with them in this time of change. Anything could have happened in four years…
"You're looking as beautiful as ever, Rin!" yelled Irvine, tipping his hat at her.
Rinoa's grin widened. "Yeah? You're all looking pretty fine yourself!" She took a good, long look at them all from afar. They were all grinning and smiling, even Squall. In fact, it must have been Squall that looked the happiest.
"So, how's things, Rin?" yelled Zell.
"Absolutely, positively … wonderful!" shouted Rinoa. And how true those words were.
"Why are we still up here!" screamed Selphie. "And why are you still over there?"
Rinoa laughed. "I don't know!" I'm so happy I can't even move…
Ashleigh saw her. She was right there, on the sidewalk, screaming out onto the bridge. And then she saw him. Squall. Her heart melted when she saw him. He looked so charming, especially when he was smiling. His smile made her weak in the knees. But then she remembered why he was smiling. It was because of her. Her eyes darted back to Rinoa, narrowing her eyes down at Rinoa in hatred.
Because of you, thought Ashleigh, Because of you … mother is always angry.
"I'm just so happy to see you guys again," called out Rinoa.
Because of you … I have to share a father who can give me anything…
"And I'm … we're … happy to see you too," called out Squall for the first time. The first words he said to her, face-to-face, in four years.
Because of you … I cannot have Squall, the love of my life.
"Well … what are you waiting for?" yelled Quistis.
I'm almost here … but you are in the way.
"Nothing!" cried Rinoa excitedly.
Sera's words popped into Ashleigh's mind again. Do whatever it takes.
Ashleigh gripped at the steering wheel tightly.
Squall, Zell, Irvine, Quistis and Selphie darted off the bridge and began to run down the stairs to meet Rinoa in excitement.
Ashleigh squeezed her eyes shut, and as Rinoa took off from the sidewalk to run across the road to meet her friends, Ashleigh put as much force in her foot as possible and stepped on the gas pedal.
Bam.
Ashleigh opened her eyes at the noise, and was completely horrified when she saw blood all over the windscreen. Her heart pounded in her heart madly, fear striking her. She couldn't believe it … she actually did it. She didn't think that there would have been any real outcome, but there was. But she did not receive the satisfaction she wanted. She was struck with fear … she did not know what to do.
Ashleigh got out of the car quickly, examining Rinoa's limp body, which was metres away from the car. She was covered in her own blood and knocked out cold. Her eyes were closed, and Ashleigh was way too scared to check if she was breathing. Instead, she anxiously picked up Rinoa's body off the road, the blood staining her clothes. The frightened girl tried not to worry about what she was wearing and opened the back door of Sera's expensive car. She threw Rinoa's body in the backseat and slammed the door shut, trying to forget the images she saw.
She can't be dead.
Ashleigh's hands were covered in her stepsister's blood, but she tried to forget the feeling. With all her strength and willpower, she tried to forget the feeling of her own sister's blood on her hands. But the feeling was there forever, and she knew it. She was scarred for life. She had never expected that the first human being's blood that made contact with her hands would be the stepsister she despised. She never even dreamt of it. But this was no dream … this was reality.
The frightened girl got back into the car and turned the vehicle around, speeding away before anybody caught her in the act.
Squall was the first one to reach the bottom of the bridge, but what he saw flickered an emotion he had never felt. No, it was also what he didn't see. Rinoa was not there like she was a second ago … she had vanished. But there was a pool of red blood on the road that was not there before, and this made his insides churn.
Squall dared to make his way to the pool of blood on the concrete. He ignored the confused remarks of his friends behind him, and was finally at the crimson stains on the ground.
"Squall!" Quistis ran up to him in confusion, but let out a shocked gasp when she saw what Squall was looking at.
The others were soon to follow in confusion, but had the same reaction as Quistis when they saw the blood. Selphie screamed, and both Irvine and Zell started cursing in shock and anger.
Squall stiffly fell to his knees, feeling like jelly inside. The knees of his pants were now also covered in the blood, but it didn't bother him as much as the feeling throbbing inside his chest.
It can't be…
His quivering hand made his way to the photograph on the ground and picked it up. When he saw it, he knew his fears were confirmed, but he didn't believe it. More than a million thoughts and feelings were whirring around him. He didn't know where he was anymore. He didn't know what he was feeling. But there was an empty feeling inside him, and the darkness of the night was consuming him.
That smile.
He stared at the photograph. Rinoa and Squall, standing side by side, the both of them wearing pleasant smiles. He had his arm around her. But the picture was torn down the middle, but repaired with tape. What did this all mean? He ignored the crimson stains on the picture, because even through the blood, he could still see her angelic face.
What's happening?
Squall wanted to collapse with this overwhelming emotion eating at him. He did not believe it. Rinoa was not dead. How could she be? There was no body. There was blood … but there was no body. It didn't mean anything. But where was she? She couldn't have just been there one second and be gone the next, leaving a trail of blood behind.
Where are you…?
Squall ignored the discussion of his friends behind him. He rubbed the picture in his hands gently, continuing to stare at her angelic face in wonder. What was happening? He tried to piece it all together. There had to be a logical explanation for it all. She couldn't have been here one moment and gone the next. She had arms wide open, ready for him to be in them. But there were no open arms to greet him.
There is this…
Was she dead? She can't have been dead. Squall Leonheart refused to believe that Rinoa Heartilly was dead. It did not make sense. None of it made sense. His mind was overloading with thoughts. He did not let emotion take over … but it was difficult.
"Squall … I…" Quistis's arm fell on Squall's shoulder. The instructor was beyond words. Even she could not figure out what was going on. She couldn't believe what she saw.
Nobody there did.
Every single person present refused to believe it.
Zell cursed aloud. "This is messed up. This shit is all messed up."
Messed up … yes, it was.
It was then that Quistis pulled out her cell phone and dialled the emergency number. But what good would it do? There was no body to rescue. There was nothing.
Squall squeezed his eyes shut. He refused to let emotion take over. But it was Rinoa. She was the person who taught him emotion … she was the one who taught him everything. She brought this emotion. And where was she? The day he came back was the day she went? It didn't make sense.
It didn't make sense … nor was it fair. Fate is playing a cruel joke on me. A cruel joke? He wished it could have been so … but it wasn't. He tried to believe that it was just a stupid joke, and Rinoa Heartilly was going to jump out of nowhere and laugh and giggle about how she fooled them.
But it did not happen.
He wanted to open his eyes and find Rinoa there again, smiling at him and telling him how much she missed him. He wanted her to be there … to listen to him, to listen to his stories. He wanted her there so he could listen to her, for her to tell him what she was up to.
But it did not happen.
He opened his eyes again, and when Rinoa's beautiful face was not in front of him, a single tear dropped into the pool of blood, rippling the crimson.
We were almost here, Rin … hell, we were almost here.
