Lost Memories of My Love
Chapter 21 – Rendezvous
Squall was sitting in the café, watching Ashleigh's lips move restlessly. The two of them had been in there for half an hour, and Ashleigh hadn't stopped talking ever since they arrived. She had moved to Esthar two months after the accident, and since then, she couldn't leave Squall alone.
"…I mean, it was so great … I never knew ballet could be so intriguing…" Ashleigh kept going on an on and on, and Squall would just simply nod. He didn't mind her constant chattering, he had nothing to say anyway.
Ashleigh sensed that Squall was getting bored. He wasn't exactly bored, just tired. He had been up all night the previous night doing paperwork because Ashleigh kept calling him every hour or so 'just to chat'.
"Squall?" said Ashleigh.
Squall just looked at her, which was his way of saying "What".
"I know … that you love Rinoa," said Ashleigh slowly.
Squall suddenly paid full attention to what she had to say.
"I know … that you're not over … her death yet," continued Ashleigh. "But … I want you to know, that I love you. I … I really do. But please, I have been living for the last two years … just wondering … please, I want you to tell me just once that you love me too."
"…I can't … Ashleigh…"
"Why?" asked Ashleigh, wounded inside, "Why can't you say it? How could you ask me to marry you … if you don't love me…?"
Marriage without love. That was what every girl feared of. Yes, Squall had asked Ashleigh to marry him a year after the accident. He didn't know why … but he always knew that she liked him from the start. But it was Quistis. She kept on saying things like 'Rinoa wouldn't want you miserable forever' and other things that just annoyed him so much. He just answered this statement with a short 'Rinoa is dead, it doesn't matter what she would want.' He didn't even know himself if he was over Rinoa … he tried to get over her death, but he wasn't sure if he succeeded. He wanted to believe his words, and in time, he did. Quistis kept on reminding him, day in and day out, to cheer up … and it just got to a point when he couldn't stand the constant reminder of Rinoa's death.
He knew he didn't love Ashleigh. But Ashleigh gave him her heart and her soul … he didn't want to crush her. He needed a second chance in life … Quistis kept saying that it was pointless to be miserable forever. And maybe he wasn't happy with his own decision, but at least somebody else was. That was what Rinoa taught him. She always gave up her own happiness for someone else, because in the end it would make her happy.
But it wasn't like that for Squall. He kept on telling himself that he was doing the right thing … it was the first step into getting over Rinoa. Or so he told himself. Deep down, he just wanted the hurt to go away … he wanted Quistis to get off his back to prove that he was over Rinoa, so she could stop bickering about what Rinoa would've wanted.
"Please, Squall," said Ashleigh, looking hurt. This was most definitely not an act. Ashleigh strived for Squall's affection … it was so hard. She did give him her heart and soul. She wanted Squall to love her. It used to be about Rinoa and getting back at her, making her mother satisfied … but it was different now. She was falling for Squall for real.
Squall sighed. Whatever. "I love you, Ashleigh." His words were empty. He felt no emotion when he said those words to her, nor did he feel any emotion when she said them to him. He just wanted everyone to leave him alone.
Ashleigh smiled weakly at him. "Thank you. At least now I know that our marriage isn't worth it."
Whatever. "I have to go now, Ashleigh. I need to go to Trabia for official business."
"Trabia!" exclaimed Ashleigh. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"I did," said Squall. Only while you were going on about something or other…
"For how long?" asked Ashleigh.
"I don't know," said Squall. "I have to go now, I'm running late." And with that, he got up and left Ashleigh.
-
"Are you sure you don't want us to come along?" asked Quistis.
"Yeah, you don't know who's plotting to assassinate you, man!" said Zell energetically.
"I'm a twenty-four year old SeeD," growled Squall. "I don't need you to hold my hand everywhere I go."
"But we're your bodyguards. Squall," said Irvine, "That's what we're here for!"
"You're my bodyguards because I felt sorry for you," said Squall coldly, "I didn't want you all to stay stuck in Garden for the rest of your lives. And just the thought of you holding my hand is a little disturbing."
Quistis shook her head. She knew that he was just saying that … she knew that Squall wanted them a part of the Esthar experience because he knew it would make Rinoa happy. She couldn't stand Squall sometimes … ever since Rinoa's death, Squall returned to his cold self. Even Ellone couldn't help him.
"And who in Trabia would want to kill Squall?" cried Selphie, "Nobody in Trabia is that mean!"
"All right, all right," said Quistis finally, "We'll let you go alone. It's only for a short time anyway."
"Thank you," said Squall sarcastically. He threw his leather jacket over his shoulder, readying for Trabia's cold climate. Usually, he stuck to his boring president suit, but he wore his old black leather that he always used to wear just for that one trip, where nobody knew him as an almost-president. It brought back memories … it kept him sane. He had to admit, he hated wearing that suit, and any excuse not to wear it was good enough. But he wanted to prove to everyone that he was going to be a much better president than Laguna, even if that meant being formal.
He left the office without another word and went outside to his car. He was going to drive to Trabia; he didn't care about the long ride or the bridge toll, as long as he was alone. He hated any of his friends driving him around, and he hated taking flashy president transport with flashy flags even more. He just wanted to be unnoticed, just for one day. He was going to Trabia without formalities, since nobody there probably even cared about him. He was going there for official Garden business. It frustrated him that even after he left Garden, he still had to do Garden favours once in a while.
"Ugh, I worry about that man," murmured Quistis in frustration, sitting down in Squall's comfortable office chair.
"Don't we all?" said Irvine, leaning against the wall. "But I am kinda glad that he didn't get so worked up when Selphie trimmed her skirt…"
Selphie stuck her tongue out at him. "I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't blackmailed me!"
Irvine smirked. The four of them weren't allowed to wear their laid-back clothes anymore, since they were official bodyguards they had to dress formally, just like Squall. Irvine and Zell had to wear black suits with ties and everything, but the formality just killed them. They couldn't help but untuck their shirts, loosen their ties and stand their collars up … until Squall scolded at them. They all knew Squall hated the formality too. Selphie and Quistis wore black short skirts, white blouses and black vests respectively. Irvine would usually egg the two girls on to abuse the attire to his liking.
"No, seriously guys," said Quistis, "Ever since … you know…"
"Yeah, we know," said Zell, "Don't we all? Damn, why the hell did Rinoa have to die? Things were going so well until she did…"
They would never speak of Squall and his life so freely like this because he was always around. But when he wasn't, there would always be endless debates.
"Well, at least President Leonheart is happy with the next best thing," said Irvine.
"Happy isn't exactly the right word," said Selphie thoughtfully.
"But it is the next best thing," said Irvine, "I mean … Rinoa's dead, and her sister is really trying her best to cheer the guy up…"
"And who would've thought that he'd ask her to marry him!" said Selphie.
"Yeah, it's so unlike him!" said Zell, "Knowing him, he'd probably sulk over the whole thing forever…"
"Maybe he really is getting over it," said Selphie brightly.
"I don't think so," said Quistis, shaking her head. She didn't want to admit it … as much as she kept hinting to Squall to get over the whole tragedy, she didn't really expect him to go as far and fast as to ask Ashleigh to marry him. She had been visiting him a lot lately and they would go so many places together … but Quistis wasn't exactly sure if he was really getting over Rinoa or just putting on a show. It was so hard to tell now.
"Getting over it?" said Zell in disbelief. "The girl drags him everywhere … the movies, the café, even the friggin' ballet. I don't think Squally-boy would've enjoyed that too much."
"Well, if he really was getting over it," said Quistis earnestly, "He wouldn't be…"
"...Such an asshole?" said Irvine.
"Yes, that's it," said Quistis, nodding.
"Well, it'd take time, y'know?" said Selphie, "You can't expect him to be so happy so quickly. It's happening slowly … I mean, just the other day I heard him laugh! That's a good sign, right?"
"Firstly, that was more of an arrogant snicker," corrected Zell, "And secondly, he arrogantly snickered because you kicked Irvine down the stairs for saying something or other about her extremely short skirt."
"Hey," said Irvine defensively, "Firstly, I didn't say anything about Selphie's skirt. Secondly, she didn't kick me down the stairs, she pushed me with her foot, and it wasn't even that funny…"
"Uh … yes it was," said Quistis, smiling.
Selphie giggled.
"…Thirdly, Sir-Try-A-Lot usually wouldn't snicker, he would tell Selphie off for making one of his staff look like an idiot, and tell me off for letting her, or something or other…"
"Irvine!" interjected Selphie.
"…And fourthly, a man wouldn't sulk over a woman forever. He would move on. He'd want the action ASAP. Take it from someone who knows."
"Irvine!" said Selphie even louder.
"Typical Irvine," said Zell, ashamed.
"You're wrong, Irvine," said Quistis, "Squall isn't like that…"
"Hey, how would you know?" argued Irvine, "Don't act like you know him better than any of us, Quisty, none of us know jack about this guy. Well, not anymore anyway."
"I never said I knew him better than all you guys," said Quistis calmly, "It's just that Zell and I have known him for longer…"
"Well, we've all known him for longer than Rinoa has," said Irvine, "And she always knew more than any of us. Always."
"Irvine, you don't understand," said Quistis, shaking her head, "Squall—"
"Is different now," finished Irvine, "You know that, I know that, we all know that."
There was an awkward silence. Quistis slumped back in the chair restlessly, Irvine still held his know-it-all face, and Zell and Selphie kept exchanging glances. It was always like this. Everyone but Squall would argue about his life, when really it was pointless. Only Squall knew what was going on inside his head, and it seemed impossible for any of his friends to figure it out.
"Whatever," said Quistis finally, "You're right. We may be his friends, but at this rate, nothing's going to go back to the way things were."
Irvine sighed. "I feel so sorry for the guy."
"Don't let him catch you saying that," said Zell, "You know how he hates sympathy…"
Selphie shuddered. "I don't even wanna think about it!"
-
"Oh, hell!" shouted Rinoa in anger, "Not even one sale … I can't stand this…"
"Calm down," said Min, "It's just a bad day."
"A bad day?" repeated Rinoa in aggravation, "More like a bad two months! If we don't get things running soon … I'm gonna…" Rinoa sighed. She didn't want to think about it.
"Don't worry about it," said Min, "We'll get back on our feet. What happened to the optimistic Sierra I know?"
"It's kinda hard to be optimistic right now," said Rinoa dully.
"Marcel isn't going to eat you," said Min.
"He will when he comes back," said Rinoa with a heavy sigh.
"Oh, where's he gone this time?" asked Min.
"He's gone to Timber to try and sell some artwork," said Rinoa with another sigh, "I wish he was around more … but we're both trying our best to survive … why does it have to be so hard for?"
"Oh, never mind it," said Min. She glanced at her watch. "Wow, it's almost five. You should get going."
"What if we get a customer?" asked Rinoa.
"I doubt it," said Min, "But if we do, I'll handle it. You're stressed; I think you should go back home. I'll clean up over here."
Rinoa smiled weakly at her friend. "Thanks a lot."
"Don't mention it!" said Min with a smile.
Rinoa picked up her bag and with another goodbye, she set back for her apartment. She couldn't wait to just curl up on the sofa with a hot chocolate and watch the time go by.
-
Squall walked down the frosty streets of Trabia. He had arrived there earlier than expected and had stayed at the hotel for a while. He had gotten so bored after fifteen minutes and decided he needed a bit of exercise. His meeting with the headmaster of Trabia Garden wasn't until tomorrow, so he had plenty of time.
He kept the bottom of his face covered by his woollen scarf and his gloved hands buried in his pockets. He had forgotten how cold Trabia could get in the winter, but he didn't mind. He liked the cold; it had always kept him moving. It was very hard for him to even feel cold though, unlike Rinoa…
Squall tried not to think about it and lifted his head. He pulled the black scarf down and sighed a cold breath, watching the cold smoke disappear from his mouth in the air. It was then that he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him … for he could've sworn he saw a woman that looked exactly like Rinoa standing on the sidewalk.
He closed his eyes, blinked long and hard, and then opened them again, only to find that she was still standing there. Dumbstruck, Squall just stayed glued to the ground and kept on staring at her. She began looking around, the wind whipping her raven hair around. And that smile … that familiar smile she wore … he hadn't seen it for so long. He couldn't even remember it … but when he saw that smile, it all came back to him…
It had to be her. Although she looked different through age, Squall recognised that smile anywhere. It had to be her. He didn't even think about her being dead, he just felt like running up to her and saying 'Hey Rinoa, what's up?' as if they hadn't seen each other for a day.
Just when he was about to, a bus pulled over by the footpath, covering the Rinoa look-alike. Squall looked alarmed, but was even more alarmed when the bus drove away and the Rinoa look-alike had vanished.
Before Squall could think, he found himself running after the bus at full speed. He didn't know what the hell he was doing … but he did get a lot of quizzical looks from the Trabian public.
"Wait!" shouted Squall. What the hell am I doing? I look like an idiot… "WAIT!"
He continued running after the bus, and when it began to slow down and stop, he quickly caught his breath and boarded the vehicle. He stepped up the steps and handed the driver a fifty-gil piece without bothering to think, seeing as how the fee was only three gil.
Squall wandered down the aisle, looking for the Rinoa look-alike. He finally found her, but she was gazing out the window in wonder. The seat next to her was taken, so he headed down further and sat in the vacant seat behind her. She didn't even notice him.
The bus began moving again, and Squall just kept on staring at the girl in front of him. The resemblance was so accurate … she was nearly exactly the same as the last time he saw her. He was so entranced at her image … he couldn't believe that she was there…
The bus passed two more stops and an elderly woman had sat herself down next to Squall. The soon-to-be president was still spellbound with the girl in front of him to even notice.
At the next stop, the Rinoa look-alike stood up and began to make her way down the aisle. As she was about to get off, it was then that Squall realised she was leaving, and hastily pushed past the elderly woman next to him, who then began mumbling something about how rude young people were.
Squall got off the bus and quickly looked around for the Rinoa look alike. When he found her walking away, he finally found his voice and decided to call her.
"Rinoa!" he yelled.
She just kept on walking as if she hadn't heard.
"Rinoa!" Squall called again. Why is she ignoring me?
Again, she kept on walking until he began to lose sight of her in the crowd. But he wasn't going to lose her … Rinoa always stood out in the crowd in his eyes.
He again began to run after her, and in no time caught up with her. He grabbed her arm and she jumped in fright.
"Rinoa!" said Squall, staring straight at her face. She … had to be Rinoa…
"W-What?" said the girl, looking mortified.
"Don't act like you don't know me, Rin, it's me, Squall," said Squall. He had totally forgotten that Rinoa was supposed to be dead.
"Um … I think you have the wrong person," she said, staring at him, "I'm not Rinoa … I'm Sierra."
Truly. Rinoa didn't even recognise him. Squall Leonheart was a complete stranger to her.
"No … you can't be," said Squall, shaking his head, "You're Rinoa Heartilly."
"I'm – I'm not," said Rinoa, staring at Squall. She tried to break free of his grip on her arm, but he was too strong. But she had to admit … he was quite good looking. "I'm … Sierra Hearten."
"What?" said Squall in disbelief, "Don't play games with me, Rin … I'm serious…"
Rinoa finally was able to snatch her arm away from him. "And so am I," her tone was beginning to sound impatient. "I'm really sorry, I'm not who you think I am."
Squall just stared at her in disbelief. What was she saying? This had to be Rinoa … she sounded just like Rinoa; she looked just like Rinoa … why wouldn't it be Rinoa? Then he noticed the chain around her neck. There were two rings on it. It had to be Rinoa.
Squall tried to grab at the necklace, but Rinoa misunderstood his intentions.
"Hey!" shouted Rinoa, slapping his gloved hand and putting her hand on her chest protectively, "You pervert!"
"What the hell?" said Squall, not even knowing what was happening anymore. "Please, just let me see…"
"You pervert!" she screamed, staring at him in disgust.
The people in the crowd turned to Rinoa and Squall because of the sudden outburst.
"What's wrong with this guy?" said a woman, "Women just aren't safe around men anymore."
"You're sick, man," said a teenaged boy.
Rinoa turned away in disgust as the people began making a fuss. Squall ignored the Trabians' comments and stared at Rinoa's back, walking away from him … she was leaving again…
Rinoa ... don't leave me again ... please...
