Lost Memories of My Love
Chapter 23 – Memories
"So … tell me why you can't come to work today again?" said Min, staring at Rinoa on the train to the shop.
"I told you," said Rinoa, "There's this crazy guy … he says I'm some girl or other. But I'm not, I'm Sierra. So I'm gonna go to wherever he's taking me today to prove to him I'm not this girl he's looking for."
"Sierra, you've gotta be careful with him!" exclaimed Min, "What if he's some sicko and he takes you to his place or something?"
"I know, that's what I thought at first," said Rinoa, "But … I have a feeling it's not that. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I told him I wasn't … I don't know, whoever it was."
Min slowly nodded. "Well, I can understand that, Ms Intuition."
Rinoa smiled.
"Say … is this guy cute?" said Min.
Rinoa laughed. "No … he's not."
Min burst out laughing. "Right, Sierra, that smile on your face! I bet he's a total hottie!"
Rinoa stuck her tongue out at her friend. "All right, he's pretty good looking. But I'm faithful to Marcel, you know that."
Min simply laughed.
As the train came to a halt, the two friends got off the train and went their separate ways. Min went to the store while Rinoa walked out the south exit of the train station. She stood there in the cold, looking around for any sign of Squall. And then she found him, standing against a black sports car with his arms folded and eyes closed.
Rinoa sighed with a gentle smile and slowly approached him.
"Hey Leonheart, I'm here," said Rinoa.
"I know," said Squall, keeping his eyes closed and arms folded.
"You did?" said Rinoa curiously.
"I can tell by your footsteps … they sound exactly like they used to…" Squall opened his eyes and found that Rinoa was closer to him than he had expected. He looked past her without any emotion, opened the door to his car and got in.
Rinoa just stared at him as he closed the door. He looked at her and made a gesture for her to get in. She sighed again and went over to the other side, got into the car and closed the door behind her. She took note of the cushiness of the car and how comfortable and luxurious was. This guy really must be loaded…
The ride was in complete silence. Rinoa was dreamily gazing out the window, a lot of things on her mind. Where Squall was taking her was the least of her problems…
Squall, on the other hand, was totally concentrated on what was going to happen that day. He was taking Rinoa back to Deling, where he was sure some memory of her past would flicker. A lot of things lied in the city – even things he didn't even know of…
"Open the compartment," said Squall out of nowhere.
Rinoa looked at him curiously. "What, this one?" She pointed to the glove compartment in front of her.
Squall simply nodded.
Rinoa opened the compartment, wondering what Squall was playing at. All she saw were documents in a neat pile and a tape recorder sitting on top of it.
"Get the tape out of that tape recorder," said Squall.
Rinoa did as she was told and put the recorder back, and was left with a tape in her hands. It looked like a normal tape to her.
"Does it look familiar?" asked Squall, keeping his eyes on the road.
"No…" Rinoa shook her head. It was just some tape. It didn't mean anything to her.
Squall took the tape from her and put it into the tape player in his car, still driving perfectly safely at the same time. He pressed rewind and turned his attention back to the road in front of him.
Rinoa didn't know what to do or say.
"Press play," said Squall firmly.
Rinoa had trouble looking for the play button on the complicated board with buttons everywhere. When she finally found it, she pressed play, sat back and listened.
"Okay ... so, umm, me and Squall are driving home right now. We just came back from the beach. Today was really fun, 'cause we got to hang out with Selphie, Irvie, Quisty and Zelly and get really wet. I stole Squall's ring and ... umm..."
Rinoa's heart starting beating very quickly when she heard that voice. It sounded just like her. Just like her.
"I got it back, thanks to my cunningness." This voice sounded just like Leonheart, though in a much more cheerful tone.
"Yeah, that's it!"
"Rinoa's fallen asleep."
"No I haven't!"
Squall's laugh was heard. "Okay, but Rinoa looks really cute when she's asleep."
Rinoa giggled. "Squall is very open and cheerful and fun for some reason today."
"Aren't I always fun?"
Rinoa laughed. "It's so dark outside now!"
"And little Rinny is afraid of the dark."
"No!"
"Of course not. Little Rinny is my strong girl."
Rinoa giggled. "Okay, that's enough for now – I'm turning this off! Bye Squall!"
"Bye Rinoa."
Squall pressed stop. "Does that mean anything to you?"
Rinoa slowly shook her head. She had to be honest … it meant absolutely nothing to her. She didn't recognise any of it. The girl sure did sound like her, but it couldn't have been her. It didn't ring any bells.
"I'm sorry," said Rinoa.
Squall shook his head. He was getting sick of hearing the words 'I'm sorry' from her. "Press play again."
Rinoa pressed play again, and found that there was more on the tape.
"Hey, Rinoa. I'm in your room now. I know when you hear this and when you find out, you're gonna murder me," came Squall's voice. "But you know ... I just wanted you to know something. I'm a bit of a wuss for not saying this to your face ... but you know I'll always wait for you. You're my strong girl. And I'll try to be strong for you too."
Rinoa stared at the tape player in wonder. She couldn't believe she was hearing something like this. This thing had nothing to do with her. She didn't understand what was happening.
"But ... I don't know. By saying this ... do you think I'm weak? I'm still a teenager now, I'm not that old ... and maybe I'm not at that age to know it yet ... but I've never felt this way about anyone before. And I mean you. I don't know what it is ... is it ... love? But ... if it is ... I just want you to know ... that I love you. And ... I hope that you love me too."
Rinoa bit her bottom lip nervously. This guy must have a lot of guts sharing something like this with someone…
When she thought the tape had come to an end, it hadn't.
"I love you, Squall…" It was her voice again … it was a whisper, but Rinoa could hear pain inside this voice. The voice did sound familiar, but she knew it wasn't her own. It couldn't have been her own. I don't talk like that … I don't say things in pain … because I don't feel pain like that…
Squall pressed stop again and just continued staring at the road. It was obvious he was trying really hard to keep focused. He hated listening to this tape. He regretted even making something like that. Why did he do it? He had shown so much weakness in just a couple of sentences.
But the answer he received was well worth it…
Squall didn't say anything. He didn't want to make any comment about it.
"I'm sorry … I don't know what it is," said Rinoa, shaking her head. He thinks I'm the woman he loves? This doesn't look good…
Squall felt his heart drop. "It's … it's okay," his voice faltered. "She … she was really important to me. All of that was recorded before I left…"
Rinoa slowly nodded.
"…And then it happened," said Squall, trying very hard to focus.
Rinoa didn't ask what happened.
Squall shook his head, trying to get the thought out of his head. "Never mind. You're … you're the first person I've ever talked to about this…"
Rinoa slowly nodded again. She didn't know what to do or say, or whether to be flattered or concerned, and was afraid that whatever she did say would get Squall angry or sad.
The rest of the ride was in complete silence. It was an incredibly long ride, and Rinoa had fallen asleep against the window after an hour's worth of driving. Squall couldn't help but glance at the sleeping Rinoa every once in a while. She looked like a sleeping angel … just like she always did…
At last, after a two and a half hour drive, they had finally reached the outskirts of Deling City. Rinoa was still fast asleep. Squall pulled over in front of the Caraway mansion and parked his car. He looked at Rinoa again.
"Hey, we're here," said Squall in almost a mumble.
Rinoa didn't seem to acknowledge him.
Squall cleared his throat. "Hey, we're here." When Rinoa didn't respond, he couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself. Just like the old days… Then he restrained himself from even thinking about the old days. These weren't the old days anymore.
Squall gently shook Rinoa. "We're here."
Rinoa stirred a little, and yawned. She stretched and opened her eyes. "What the? Where are we?" She looked out the window in dismay. "We're not in Trabia anymore!"
"No, we're not," said Squall, "We're in your hometown."
Rinoa just stared at him in shock. She had never been out of Trabia before for as long as she could remember. These new surroundings were already foreign to her…
"Come on," said Squall. He got out of the car, closed his door and headed for the front door of the Caraway mansion.
Rinoa hesitantly followed him out. She didn't know what was going to happen … she was quite curious as to where this would lead, but also worried. Deling looked very different to Trabia, and the climate certainly was very different. She took off her outer coat and stepped up on the porch next to Squall.
When she came up, Squall opened the door and walked in. Rinoa assumed that this was Squall's house and followed him in. She was in a magnificent hallway that stretched incredibly far. The carpet was red and the chandeliers were sparkling. She looked around in awe at the lavishness of the house, wishing that she could live in a place like this.
"Where … is this?" asked Rinoa, walking down the hallway and quickly glancing into every room.
Squall was disappointed that she did not recognise the house. "It's the house you lived in."
Rinoa stopped and stared at Squall, who just continued to walk. "Wait, wait … you mean … you're saying that I lived here?"
Squall stopped and turned around to look at her, nothingness in his eyes. "Yes, you used to live here."
"Hey … you can't just walk into someone else's house like this," said Rinoa earnestly.
I'm vice president of Esthar, thought Squall bitterly, And this is Rinoa's house ... of course I can just walk into it like this...
"Go upstairs," said Squall, pointing up the magnificent staircase.
"Huh?"
"Explore the place a bit … maybe you'll remember," said Squall.
Rinoa shrugged. Probably not, but I can just lavish myself in this luxurious house for a while … maybe I should just play along with this guy so I can live here… Rinoa smiled to herself at the sarcastic thought, and just went up the stairs as she was told.
Squall sighed and hoped to Hyne that Rinoa would remember something about this house. She had to. This place held everything she lived and loved … her entire childhood, all her memories…
He headed out onto the backyard and found General Caraway standing at the porch, looking out into the garden while smoking a cigarette.
"Those things are dangerous, you know," said Squall, repeating Rinoa's 'wise words'.
Caraway turned around at the voice, and looked quite at ease when he found Squall there. "Ah, Squall … what a pleasant surprise."
Squall smirked and decided to skip the formalities. "Good morning, General Caraway. Sorry to bother you today, sir." He couldn't help himself.
Caraway threw the cigarette on the ground and stomped on it as if it wasn't his own house. He walked up to Squall and shook his hand politely.
"Its fine," said Caraway, "Mrs Caraway went out with her friends for the day and I've got the day off … just spending the day thinking about … things…" Caraway trailed off in thought, but snapped back to reality again in an instant. "What ever brings you here? How is your father? How are things going?"
"Laguna's fine," said Squall. Just as he ever was, he silently added. "Things are going fine … but that's not the point right now…"
"Hmm…?"
Rinoa walked down the hallway on the second floor and peeked into every room. Most of the rooms didn't bring any interest to her, except for the last one down the corridor…
As she opened the door, she found the room to be bright. There were two beds in each corner, but they were covered as if nobody had slept in them for years. There were cute decorations hanging around everywhere, and the room was extraordinarily clean. Rinoa walked into the room in wonder and circled it three times, examining every corner of it.
She found that she was very fond of the arrangement and decoration, and that the room was very much to her liking. She found a cupboard in the corner of the room and decided to look inside it. She was awfully curious about this place, she didn't know exactly why.
She sat on the spotless floor and opened the doors. There was a lock on them, but it was broken. She scanned the shelves and found that there were photos and papers and books everywhere. There were just bits and pieces hanging from place to place – it was extremely messy, which was odd, because the rest of the room was relatively tidy.
But it wasn't the condition of the cupboard that made her stare. It was the photographs. There were photographs in frames, and in every one of them, there was one person that looked exactly like her. That person had the same raven hair with the golden streak, the same brown eyes, the same pale skin … everything about that person was exactly the same.
What is this … some kind of joke? Rinoa flipped through all the photo albums to find the same thing. There were plenty of strange people in them that she didn't know, but there was always one person that always took her attention, and that was the girl that looked like her. Leonheart was in some of them too.
This has to be a joke, thought Rinoa, flipping the page. They must've Photoshopped me in or something and planted it in here … this is just ridiculous…
She kept on flipping the pages, but the same girl appeared on every page. Or maybe she just looks like me … I can see why he thinks I'm this girl … there's not even a subtle difference between us … except maybe the clothes though…
But these things didn't mean anything to her. She didn't know any of the people or the places, except for the fact that there was a girl that looked just like her.
When Rinoa was done in that room, she went back downstairs to find Squall standing in the lounge room, staring into a glass cabinet. In curiosity, Rinoa walked up to him to see what he was looking at.
It was a whole cabinet full of the same girl that looked distinctly like her. There were photographs of childhood and adolescence, books and pieces of paper with writing on them, and a pinwheel. But what really grabbed her attention was a framed picture of the girl and Squall – the same one Squall had shown her. But this one was different … it had crimson stains on it and it was torn right down the middle, but held together again with sticky tape.
"Did you look in your room?" asked Squall, not looking at her.
"I looked in a room," said Rinoa correctively.
"…Did you look into the white cupboard?" asked Squall, as if she had said yes.
Rinoa slowly nodded.
"Does it … mean anything…?"
Rinoa shook her head sadly.
Squall, again, was disappointed. He pointed to the crimson stained photograph. "That photo … that's her copy … I found it when … when it happened…"
Rinoa nodded. She put her hand on Squall's shoulder in sympathy. "I'm … I'm sorry." These were the first real words of understanding she had said to him, and when she said them, they filled her heart with sadness. But not as much as it did Squall's.
Squall shook his head to shake the thought out. "Go out onto the back porch. There's someone who wants to meet you."
Rinoa nodded and headed back out into the hallway, walking out the back door. She felt very uncomfortable in this house … there was an eerie feeling that sent a chill down her spine that she didn't like. But Squall seemed so distressed … she didn't want to treat him badly. She knew it must have been hard for him, taking a walk down memory lane and seeing repeated images of the one he loved…
As she stepped outside, she found that a middle-aged man sat at a table on the porch, just staring out into the garden. He had his back to her, not noticing the company.
Rinoa took a couple of steps towards the man and cleared her throat as a sign that somebody was there.
The man turned around, and when he saw Rinoa, it was like seven years coming back into his life. For a split second, General Caraway believed that the young woman who stood before him was the daughter he had lost two years ago. He had dreamt this day to come … he would always dream that Rinoa Heartilly would walk through the door to see him. But it never happened.
"Um … hello," said Rinoa uncomfortably, not knowing what else to say
Caraway didn't reply for a moment, and snapped back to reality once again. "Yes, yes … please … sit down."
Rinoa slowly walked up to the opposite end of the table and sat down in front of him, folding her hands on her lap politely.
"I'm General Caraway," said Caraway, "This … this is my home."
Rinoa nodded with a warm smile. "It's a very nice house you have."
Caraway was pained to see that smile. He hardly ever saw that smile on Rinoa's face … but when this girl smiled, it looked exactly the same…
"Thank you," he said. "What's your name?"
"Sierra Hearten," answered Rinoa, hoping that he would believe her.
"I see … nice to meet you, Sierra," said Caraway, nodding curtly.
Rinoa smiled politely. "Likewise."
"How … how old are you?" asked Caraway hesitantly.
"I'm twenty-four years old," said Rinoa slowly.
Caraway looked down at the table. "Oh … you're the same age as my daughter. Or … you would be. She … she looks a lot like you, you know."
"Y-Yes … so I've heard," said Rinoa quietly.
Caraway looked back up at her. "Rinoa … that was her name. She … she died in a car accident two years ago."
"I'm sorry," said Rinoa quietly. She didn't know how many times she would have to say that phrase that day.
"I'm … left with an empty space inside me now," said Caraway, his voice faltering. "She was all I had left … my wife had also died in a car accident … Rinoa was all in this world that I had left. I – I took her for granted … she would often get angry with me, sometimes for reasons I couldn't understand. But just when things finally looked good, she … she had to leave me…" Caraway looked away, pain smothered across his face. He didn't speak of Rinoa with anybody, besides possibly Squall.
He never mentioned her and never thought of her until this very day, when Squall turned up at his house with a woman that looked exactly like Rinoa. As soon as he saw her face, everything came rushing back. The fights, the screaming, the crying, the laughing … every part of Rinoa's life that Caraway was there for just rushed through his mind at such a speed…
"P-Please … will you let me touch your face?" asked Caraway. He usually didn't get this informal with strangers, but this was different.
Why does everyone believe that I'm Rinoa? They are all so sad to see me … this is just killing me … I can't believe this…
"Y-Yes … of course you may," said Rinoa quietly. It was painful to see this man that she didn't even know look so sad. He looked as if he wanted to scream in anger, frustration, but most of all sadness.
She felt Caraway's rough hands touch her delicate skin. Caraway shut his eyes in pain, as if trying to hold back tears. His arms were trembling, and Rinoa just felt so sorry…
"You're both the same," said Caraway quietly. He let go of Rinoa's face and clenched his fists under the table. "I'm sorry … it's not my normal nature to be acting in this manner…"
"It's all right," whispered Rinoa.
"Thank you for your company … but … if you don't mind, I would like to be alone now," said Caraway. "Thank you … you made me remember something important that I tried so hard to forget…"
Rinoa nodded in understanding. "It's no problem…" She nodded politely once again and went back into the house. Things were really tearing at her…
As she walked down the hallway, she heard the faint sound of piano music coming from afar. The melody was enchanting, grabbing Rinoa's attention straight away. She followed the sound of the music and found herself in a small room, with a grand piano in the centre, a bookcase in the corner, and a desk in the other corner. Squall was sitting at the piano, playing the piece perfectly.
Rinoa slowly walked up to him and sat down on the seat beside him, watching Squall's fingers move. He had taken off his gloves and she saw his hands, muscular and pure. He had long fingers and looked quite capable of playing the piano.
Somehow, Rinoa had recognised the song he was playing. The song was Eyes on Me, but Rinoa didn't know that. She figured that she must have heard it on the radio or something.
As the song came to an end, Squall didn't look at Rinoa. He remained silent and simply acknowledged her presence.
"You're very good," said Rinoa quietly.
Squall didn't say anything for a while. "She taught me that song…"
Rinoa didn't even have to ask whom he was talking about. The depressing day was growing on her and she could just recognise the signs.
"It was her mother's song," said Squall quietly, "She used to play and sing to me whenever she could. Then she taught me this song. She was patient with me, even though she knew I wasn't a music person … she was a great teacher … she was a great person…"
Rinoa didn't say anything. Instead, something possessed her and made her place her fingers on the keys. She then began mimicking what she had heard, the exact notes at the right time, playing a beautiful, melodic tune of Eyes on Me. She found this quite amazing, as it just occurred naturally and her fingers knew what to do on their own. After the second last chorus, she decided to stop, because Squall was staring at her in an unusual way. She slowly turned her head to face him. He stared at her in wonder, as if he couldn't believe what was happening.
She can play exactly like Rinoa…"You … know this song?" asked Squall.
Rinoa nodded. "I … guess."
Squall just continued to stare at her. The more he stared, the more Rinoa looked uneasy.
"How can you not be her?" asked Squall out of nowhere.
"S-Sorry…?"
"You look like her, you talk like her … you play like her," said Squall, "How can you not be Rinoa Heartilly? I thought she would never come back to me again … I thought I would never see her again … but then I met you, and all my thoughts had changed. You must be Rinoa … I just know it's you … I just know that you are my Rinoa, our Rinoa … the one that I've been waiting for for so long…"
Rinoa bit her bottom lip nervously. "I … am really sorry." She really was. She wished she could say 'Hey, I'm the long lost girl you people have been looking for!' and things would get better. But she couldn't say that, because to her, it wasn't true. Saying that would be a lie … to her.
"…I've been waiting for her since the day she left," said Squall sadly, "We promised we would meet again … I'm supposed to be her knight … I'm supposed to protect her … so how did this happen? How could I let this happen?" Squall closed his eyes in pain, the way Caraway did. "P-please … will you … let me hold you…?"
Rinoa nodded in hesitation. She didn't know what was going to happen. This whole day was just too unpredictable. She just wanted to go home.
Squall put his arms around her, embracing her as if she was Rinoa. He held her so tightly. He rested his head on her shoulder, as if she were Rinoa. She felt like Rinoa. She had the same warmth and cheerfulness that Rinoa had. Rinoa … Rinoa … her name echoed in his mind. He had lived for so long thinking that he could live without love, without other people. But Rinoa Heartilly changed his life forever. She made him happy. She made him Squall Leonheart…
Rinoa kept her hands to herself and let Squall carry on. She looked incredibly nervous. But she felt greatly saddened. She felt her shoulder dampen, and she knew straight away that Squall was shedding tears. This just made her even more emotional. When she first met Squall … he looked like the toughest guy on the planet. But even now … he was shedding tears for the one he loved most. Rinoa just wished she could make things better for these people. Even though she didn't know them for long enough, she knew they didn't deserve this suffering.
Squall let go of her and couldn't believe that he was crying. He seldom cried, if not ever. The emotion that seared inside of him made him feel an emotion that couldn't be described by words. He swore to himself that emotion was never going to tear him a part … but it was. Emotion was burning at him, ripping him to shreds, piece by piece. He wasn't supposed to bleed or cry. It was not in his nature. But he found himself pouring his heart out to this woman. He found himself slipping, and said things he usually did not say. Some of these things amazed even himself.
"I never got to tell her to her face that I loved her. She died without knowing for sure that she was loved. I want to take those moments back … I want to at least be there when she was dying to say those words that I was supposed to say so long ago. Rinoa didn't deserve it…"
Rinoa pursed her lips together and couldn't stand to watch him like this. She was sure she was going to burst into tears soon. Listening to him was like watching a sad romance movie.
"She didn't deserve to die. She was pure. She was an angel. She did nothing wrong. Her only crime was loving me. I didn't deserve her. I would treat her like dirt on some days. I would regret those days but I … I'm too much of a bastard to even say sorry." Squall said these words nearly in anger. He closed his eyes again. His nose and eyes were red, a colour that didn't suit his sharp features.
"I'm sorry, Rinoa!" he shouted to no one in particular. He held his breath and clenched his fist in anger. "I'm … so … sorry…"
Rinoa didn't find him crazy. Usually, something like this would spook her to death. But she did not find him crazy. Her heart was bleeding to death. She wished … she wished so hard that these people would find this girl. She wished so hard that she was Rinoa, but she knew that she wasn't.
Out of heartily concern, Rinoa put her hand on Squall's shoulder. This slowly turned into a warm embrace. She could feel the beating of Squall's racing heart and the sorrow in his tears.
"I'm sorry too," she whispered.
A/N: Wai ... what a sad chapter. This has to be one of the best chapters I've written so far ... sorry for not making her remember. It's just getting too emotional for me -wipes virtual tears-
