i loveLost Memories of my Love

Chapter 25 – Doubt

Squall took Rinoa back to her apartment, and by then, it was almost nightfall. She had fallen asleep on the ride back once again, and when they finally reached Trabia, there was an awkward goodbye. They didn't know whether they were ever going to meet again. Squall told her he was leaving to 'go back home' the next day. Rinoa felt a tinge of disappointment inside of her, as she was only beginning to get to know him. She thought she was going to make a new friend.

"Well … goodbye, I guess," said Rinoa.

"Yeah … later," said Squall.

"Do you think that we'll … ever meet again?" asked Rinoa.

Squall shrugged. "Maybe. I live a long way." Yeah, how about Esthar for you…

Rinoa nodded. "Well … thank you for taking me outside of Trabia."

"It's okay," said Squall shortly.

"And … um … you know … I wish you good luck for the future," said Rinoa, not knowing what else to say. "Don't worry. You'll be fine." She smiled at him and put her hand on his shoulder reassuringly.

"Thanks," said Squall.

Rinoa gave him a quick hug. Squall wanted it to end as soon as possible, or else the memories would just come rushing through any second.

"Well … I'd better get going," said Squall awkwardly.

"Yeah…" Rinoa let go of him and smiled. "Later, Leonheart."

"Later." Squall got into his car and drove away, and couldn't help but smile when he saw Rinoa waving at him. He watched through the rear-view mirror as Rinoa got smaller and smaller as he drove … until she finally disappeared.

As he drove back to the hotel, he couldn't believe that he was leaving to go back to Esthar so soon. The past two days were like an emotional roller coaster to him. He hadn't felt so many feelings surge through his mind and heart so quickly in his life. He always tried to forget about Rinoa … he thought it would help if he married Ashleigh. But things had just gotten a lot worse when he met a Rinoa look-alike, who happened to be the same as Rinoa in every single way.

The memories were too much for him to handle. He couldn't believe that he remembered the tiniest things about Rinoa that he thought he had forgotten. Her warmth, the touch of her skin, the tone of her voice, the warmth of her body, the way she embraced … all of it was like a sudden rush of events happening.

And he cried. He shed tears for Rinoa for the very first time. He wasn't a man of tears – he didn't cry for no good reason. And he hated it. Rinoa always told him that it would help to cry if he felt angry or upset … it would help to release the sorrow and anger. But how she was so wrong. He hated the sting of tears in his eyes and the whirring of thoughts. It didn't help him at all.

"If I died … would you cry for me, Squall?"

Squall remembered Rinoa's words from so long ago. It seemed like it never happened, but the scene was played perfectly in his mind.

"Squall…?"

He had remained silent when she had asked him this question. They were on the beach … the night before Squall was going to Esthar. They decided to spend it at Balamb beach, which was Rinoa's favourite place in the whole world. Just the two of them. Squall sat on the edge with his feet dangling off the side, while Rinoa laid her head on his lap, looking up at him.

"I'm sorry, Squall." She realised that he wasn't in the mood for her question and looked away from his emotionless face. But just once, on the night before they would be separated, she wanted him to tell her that he loved her. Just once.

Squall looked up at the starry sky, not knowing what to say. He honestly didn't know the answer. He was too distracted to think about the future.

"Why do you ask?" he said.

Rinoa smiled weakly, still not looking at him. "Because … what if I died when you were in Esthar? And you didn't know about it until you got back?"

"Don't be stupid, Rin," said Squall.

Rinoa felt slightly hurt and closed her eyes.

Squall looked down at her and read the look on her face. "I mean … you won't die while I'm gone. You're … you're my strong girl, remember? And even if you do die … I would know straight away." He looked back up at the sky again, not believing he said something like that.

"Oh?" She opened her eyes and looked up at him. His gaze was still wandering with the stars.

"Because … I can just feel you," said Squall thoughtfully. "And I'll come rushing back here to save you."

Rinoa smiled. "Like usual, huh…?"

"You're a strong girl…"

"So … if I pretend to die, will you come back here and stay with me…?"

Squall weakly laughed. "Nice try."

Rinoa's smile narrowed. "All right … but you still haven't answered my question. Would you cry for me if I died…?"

Squall remained silent at first. "Please don't die … Rinoa…"

His reply was good enough for her. She knew about him and his pride. She knew that he didn't want to admit weakness. It was normal for her…

"Please don't go … please don't leave me alone…"

Squall looked down at her, her earthen eyes staring up at him. "Since when were you afraid of loneliness? I'll always be here with you Rinoa…" He touched Griever at Rinoa's heart.

Rinoa smiled and held his hand at her heart. "Remember the beating of my heart, okay? Because … it'll always belong with you…"

Squall weakly smiled down at her. "I'm grateful…"

And with the largest amount of hesitation ever, he bent his head down closer to her face. "And … and mine will be with you…" he whispered.

Rinoa smiled and pressed her lips against his, not caring if he pushed away or stopped midway. But to her relief, she felt his soft lips press back.

And Squall's heart was lifted from him and he felt that he truly had Rinoa's heart.

Squall stopped the memory then and there. He didn't want any recollection of something like that. It would only make him feel worse about himself. Deep down inside, he felt that he had lost his heart, and it had died with Rinoa. Not only that, but he had lost Rinoa's heart that she had given him. He had nothing. He had failed. He promised that he would come back to Rinoa and save her if she were ever going to die.

But he failed.

He didn't even think that she would even die. He felt like such a liar. I bet she feels the same, thought Squall bitterly. Everything I said that night was a lie. And he felt so awful about it.

Rinoa … I did cry for you, he thought, as if speaking to her if she were in heaven. Did you see me cry for you…? I never thought I would see the day when I would cry again. My tears were for you … but I know that they aren't enough…

"I'm sorry, Rinoa," he mumbled. I failed you…

He remembered when he said that to 'Sierra-Rinoa'. He remembered yelling it out with every bit of power in his body to her. Was his apology enough? He hardly ever apologised to Rinoa. She deserved an apology for all the times he mistreated her.

"I'm sorry too." Those were Sierra-Rinoa's words that day.

There's so much more to this, thought Squall. He felt that there was something else to this story, but he couldn't put his finger on it. It's so stupid … I meet a woman that is just like Rinoa. She hears my story, she feels my tears, and she knows more about how I feel about this than anybody. I can't just let this all go now. There is so much more to this, I can feel it. I think Fate is giving me a sign … this woman is supposed to teach me something … she is the key to helping me get over Rinoa…

Fate. He shuddered at the thought of it. Two years ago he had said to Quistis that Fate was a load of bull crap. He was beginning to doubt his own words. Maybe Quistis was right. Fate was laying out a journey for him to follow. He just didn't know which path to take.

And it was then that he realised something important. I won't give up this journey. Not yet.

Min sat at the counter, reading her magazine for the third time that day. She hadn't a single customer, and without Rinoa, the day was quite boring. She had no one to talk to and there were only so many times you could read a fashion magazine.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and she jumped in fright. She put the magazine down and greeted her customer. Who happened to be the hottest-looking guy on the planet.

"Uh … hey there," he said, walking up to the counter.

Min stared at him in awe. At first she didn't say anything. "Hi," she said in the tiniest voice.

"Um … you and Rin – Sierra run this place, right?"

Min simply nodded, still staring wide-eyed.

"Yeah … I thought so. Anyway … my name is Squall Leonheart. I just happened to be in the neighbourhood and I noticed the … um … nice business you have here."

Min nodded again.

"So … I was wondering … do you want to work for my company?" asked Squall.

"Um … yes?" said Min in a small voice. "I mean … y-yes. I'll … I'll have to ask my partner first. I mean, if you don't want her then that's fine—" Oops, I am such a mean person…

"No, no," said Squall, almost too quickly, "It would be great for both you and your partner to work for me. I mean, the more the … uh … merrier, right?" He couldn't believe he was talking like this.

"Of-of course," said Min. "What does your company d-d-do?"

"Well, there's a Garden being established in Esthar right now," said Squall slowly, careful with his words, "And, well, we want someone to … design our uniforms. Yeah, that's it."

"Uh … huh…"

"Uh … yeah," said Squall. What, that's not enough for you? "And um … you're both good with commerce skills, aren't you?"

"Uh … huh…" Min nodded slowly.

"So, you could be like, our treasurers … or something," said Squall. Damn, I should have planned this out. "Oh wait, I have a better idea. You can be the Garden committee." Yeah, you don't need any real skills for that … Selphie does it just fine… "You know, arrange dances and … uh … stuff."

"O…kay," said Min softly. Ahh, Min! Get a hold of yourself and stop it with your drooling! Be professional and get down into business here! "How much … how muchdo you offer?"

"Uh … is five thousand gil a month good enough for you?" said Squall.

"WHOA!" Min couldn't help but have an outburst. "I mean … that's a joke! What do you take me for?"

Squall rolled his eyes. "Ten thousand, then."

"Keep going," said Min.

Squall rolled his eyes again. "Look, do you want this place or not?" Oh dear Hyne, please say yes…

"Oh now, don't be feisty," said Min quickly, "Ten thousand's fine, perfect. Uh … say, can I get your number and name?"

"Hmm? Why?"

"In case of any problems … and such," said Min, "I mean, I have to discuss this with my partner…"

"Oh, right, right," said Squall. "Uh … you don't need my name. I'll just give you my number."

"Huh?" said Min, not understanding why he didn't want to give her his name.

Squall ignored her and started saying the digits of his phone number.

"Wait, wait! Hold ON!" said Min. She reached into the draw and pulled out a pad and pen and jotted Squall's number down.

"So … where'd you say your company was?" asked Min, regretting that she didn't pay attention before.

"Uh … there's an establishing of a Garden," repeated Squall, "In Esthar."

Min's mouth dropped open. "Esthar? Are you like, crazy?"

Squall didn't say anything.

"How are we supposed to get there?" demanded Min.

"Well … I'll give you two plane tickets, of course," said Squall, shrugging. "And I'll give you an apartment … and … uh … whatever else you need."

Min blinked in astonishment. "Who are you?"

Squall laughed hollowly. "Just your average guy…"

"Oh, right," said Min, nodding, "Well … I'll get back to you, okay? Do you need our number?"

"No … I'm just going to assume that you're accepting the job, unless you call me and say you don't want it," said Squall flatly, "I'll be sending your plane tickets in the mail, so watch out."

"Wow, thanks," said Min, "This really means a lot to us."

It means a lot to me, too.

Rinoa sat on the sofa, flipping through a lifestyle magazine, dreamily thinking about the house she wanted and the furniture it would contain, until all of a sudden, the phone rang. She snapped out of her thoughts and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Sierra, you're back!"

"Oh, hey Min," Rinoa sat back down. "Where are you?"

"I'm at home," said Min. "How was your outing?"

"Pleasant," was all Rinoa could say.

"Oh okay. Where'd you guys go?"

"Deling."

"DELING!" shouted Min, "Wow … that is, like, very far away!"

"Yes Min, it is. Did you make any sales today?"

"No."

Rinoa sighed.

"Something better!" said Min excitedly.

"Hmm?"

"We've been promoted!"

"P-Promoted…?" repeated Rinoa, "By who? It's OUR business!"

Min laughed weakly. "Well, not exactly promoted. But we are totally saved. Someone came into the store today and said that we had a nice-looking business, and asked us to come work for their company!"

Rinoa gasped. "Whoa! Are you for real? That's great! Did you accept the offer?"

"Well, not yet," said Min, "I wanted to discuss it with you first."

"What?" gasped Rinoa, "Are you crazy? You should have said yes straight away! What if they find someone else better than us!"

"Hey, I couldn't say yes straight away," said Min, "I mean, come on … even if we get ten thousand gil a month…"

"Ten thousand?" repeated Rinoa in complete shock. "Min!"

"Let me finish!" cried Min impatiently. "I didn't say yes because we have to work in Esthar."

"Esthar…" Rinoa bit her bottom lip nervously. "Gee, that's a really long way from home."

"Exactly. So what do you think?"

"Marcel … I don't know if he'll like this," said Rinoa, "He doesn't like me out of Trabia…"

"Uh, hello Sierra," said Min, "You were in Deling today. And why should it be fair that he's allowed to work outside of Trabia and you aren't?"

"Yeah, but still…"

"And you need the money, right?" said Min earnestly, "Hell, we all need the money. Ten thousand gil a month is definitely enough!"

"But Esthar," said Rinoa in uncertainty, "We can't go to Esthar everyday and then come back!"

"Yeah, I know that," said Min, "That's why they've organised an apartment we can stay at until vacation."

"Vacation?" said Rinoa again. "What exactly is this job, Min?"

"Well, they're making a Garden in Esthar," said Min, "They want us to be staff over there."

"Garden?" You got any more surprises for me, Min? "Min, we are businesswomen who sell clothes. Occasionally design and make them, yes, but still they are clothes. Do you know what Garden is, Min? It's place where they train kids to kill things! Now, what do clothes and killing things have anything to do with each other?"

"Sierra, I'm not as dumb as you think, I know what Garden is, okay?" said Min in frustration. "That's what I thought at first, but he said we were going to design their uniforms!"

"Yeah, and that's it?" asked Rinoa, "Okay, let's design a couple of uniforms and then get kicked back here? Ten thousand gil a month … it's only going to take a month! And even ten thousand isn't enough to pay off all our debts…"

"Chill Sierra, chill!" said Min coolly, "I'm not finished yet. We're going to be a part of the Garden committee."

"And … what exactly is that?"

"I don't know!" said Min, "But it sounds important! And long-term!"

"Min!" exclaimed Rinoa.

"What?" said Min in annoyance. "Look, do you want this job or not? That's why I didn't accept straight away. I knew we were going to argue endless hours on this."

"I have to discuss things with Marcel first," said Rinoa. "And how exactly are we going to get to Esthar? That's going to cost a lot of money for just one seat on a plane."

"Don't worry, it's all covered," said Min, "Everything is all covered. Just discuss things with Marcel first, okay?"

Rinoa sighed. "What do you want, Min?"

"What?"

"You're my best friend," said Rinoa, "And you deserve a say in this too. We're partners. What do you want to happen?"

"Well…" Min paused. "Of course I want this job. I'm sick of this dull business in dull Trabia. It's good to try new things. And meet new people!"

Rinoa smiled to herself. "Of course."

"Oh, and did I mention I found ten thousand gil today?" said Min excitedly.

Rinoa gapsed. "You're serious? Where!"

"Under the register!" said Min, "How weird! Maybe we forgot to put it away or something..."

"Well, thats good then," said Rinoa, "We can use it to fix up the shop and sell it."

"So you want to go to Esthar?" said Min hopefully.

Rinoa laughed nervously. "I'll get back to you on it, okay? Marcel is coming back tomorrow … and I want to ask him … lots of things."

"Things?" asked Min.

"You know … just things," said Rinoa.

Like my past.

"…Wow, that's great news," said Seifer after Rinoa told him briefly about the job. "That's great. So where's this new workplace?"

"…Esthar." And Rinoa went into great detail of what Min had told her, ignoring Seifer's extremely shocked look on his face. She explained every tiny little detail and repeated things to reassure him.

"And … we really need the money," finished Rinoa, taking a deep breath.

"…You're right."

Rinoa stared at him in confusion. "I am?"

"Yes … you are," said Seifer, "We do need the money. And I'm having lots of trouble selling my sister's artwork. My last mission was a total pushover and gave me a joke as a reward. I won't be starting my Instructor's job for another two months…"

"You got the job?" exclaimed Rinoa.

Seifer nodded with a sheepish grin.

"That's great!" cried Rinoa, "We're on a roll! And we'll both be working at Gardens … wow, this is so cool!"

Seifer laughed. "I'll be sure to prove that mine is better. Trabia will kick Esthar's ass in the internationals."

"Hey, you have no right to make the assumption," said Rinoa cheekily. "Esthar will definitely win, 'cause they'll have a way cooler uniform. Especially designed by moi."

Seifer laughed and seized Rinoa, pulling her into a tight embrace. "Yeah, I'll bet. But Sierra Hearten is no match for me!"

"Eh…? A-Ahh!" Rinoa started giggling madly when Seifer began to tickle her. She laughed so much and felt so happy, a great turn of events after the last few depressing days … she kind of felt glad that she wouldn't have to see Squall again with his sulking…

"S-Stop it!" cried Rinoa through fits of hysterical giggles, "I s-s-surrender!"

Seifer laughed and claimed victory. "Yeah, I win again."

Rinoa gathered herself and smiled weakly. There was an awkward silence for a couple of moments.

"Marcel…?"

"Yeah?"

"Well … I have something to ask you," said Rinoa, almost uncomfortably.

"What is it?" asked Seifer, sensing the graveness in her voice.

"Well … I know that you love me and all that," said Rinoa slowly, "But … I met somebody while you were away."

"What?" said Seifer fiercely, not knowing what she meant.

"No, no … it's nothing like that," said Rinoa quickly, knowing that Seifer thought she had met another man that she liked, "It's just that … well … it's what he said."

"Get to the point, Sierra," said Seifer shortly.

"Okay, okay," said Rinoa hastily, "Well … he thought I was someone else. He thought I was someone named Rinoa…"

At this, Seifer felt as if his heart stopped. This wasn't a good thing. Could she have been regaining her memory? If she did … then she surely would have never spoken to Seifer ever again.

"And he took me to … to somewhere," lied Rinoa, not wanting to say that she went to Deling. "And I met some people there … and they all thought that I was this other girl…"

"You got into a car with a stranger?" scolded Seifer, "Sierra, you know how dangerous that is? He could have done anything to you…"

"I know, I know," said Rinoa, "But he felt so damn sure. And I'm fine … he didn't do anything to me. But…"

"So what you're trying to say is that you think I'm lying?" said Seifer, looking taken aback.

"No, no!" said Rinoa. Was she? She wasn't even sure. "I'm just…"

"Come on, Sierra," said Seifer, "Are you saying you don't believe me now when I said that your family was killed in a fire?"

"No, I do believe you…"

"I wouldn't lie to you," said Seifer, "Why would I … lie to you?" He couldn't even believe what he was saying. He was a good actor, something he had acquired from his mother, but when he thought about it, he was regretting every word. It made him feel like he had sunken down to Sera's level … and that really disgusted him. But he wasn't a man to take back his words … once something is said, it's said.

But why couldn't he bring himself to tell the truth? Two years had passed already since the accident … far too long. If he told the truth now, then Rinoa would never speak to him again. She would hate him. And that very thought hurt him to the core. He loved Rinoa so much … but he couldn't help but feel wrong that he was lying to her about her own life. What she thought was her life was a lie.

But what if she had regained her memory someday? Then she would have hated him even more for not telling her. Then he decided what to do.

I have to tell her … before she finds out herself.

But what his good judgement told him was crushed when his own selfish desires took over.

"I don't want you seeing this man anymore," said Seifer finally. "He's putting … stupid thoughts in your head."

I'm such an ass.

A/N: Whoa … what a boring chapter. I was going to do that last scene with Seifer in the next chapter, but I felt this chapter was extremely boring so I decided to put a last zing into it. I hope I haven't lost you guys left … if you have any questions; I'm free to answer! Thanks for the support :)