DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Jim Hacker's office, later that afternoon; Jim is looking at some papers again, Bernard comes in through door 1.)

Bernard:

"Erm, excuse me, Minister. Robert Gulliver is here to see you."

Jim:

"Ah, good, Bernard. Thank you."

(Mr Gulliver enters the office, Bernard leaves again through door 1.)

Jim:

"Excellent. Won't you sit down, Mr Leak? I mean Cauliflower. Gulliver! I'm sorry. Gulliver."

(Gulliver looks a bit annoyed, but sits down.)

Gulliver:

"Thank you, Minister."

Jim:

"Splendid. Now, look here Gulliver…"

(Sir Humphrey enters through door 1.)

Humphrey:

"Ah, good afternoon. Mind if I join you, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, actually, Humphrey, I'm talking to Mr Gulliver at the moment, so if you'd be so kind…"

Humphrey:

"Of course, Minister. Splendid."

(Humphrey sits down on Bernard's chair.)

Jim:

"Yes, well, quite. As I was saying, Gulliver…erm, what was I saying?"

Gulliver:

"Well, you hadn't actually started yet, Minister."

Jim:

"No. No, erm, right. Yes, I want to talk to you about the, erm, toxic waste figures?"

(silence)

Gulliver:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, erm…"

(silence)

Humphrey:

"If I may, Minister?"

(Jim nods embarrassedly at Humphrey.)

Humphrey:

"Thank you. Now look here, Gulliver, what the Minister is trying to say is that we are aware of the fact that the press got wind of, erm, certain aspects of the toxic waste figures the DAA recently published, through you."

Gulliver:

"I'm sorry, Sir Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

"Well, to put it plainly…"

Jim:

"You? Plainly?"

Humphrey:

(louder) "…although it is not my usual way of going about it: we know you're a leak, Gulliver."

(Jim and Humphrey both look at Gulliver with very strict looks on their faces. Gulliver starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

"Now, we don't want any technical details from you or anything of the sort, but I'd like to make perfectly clear to you that this is…a reprimand."

Gulliver:

(weakly) "Yes, Minister."

Humphrey:

"Very good. Don't do it again, thank you, goodbye."

(Humphrey gets up from his chair quickly and reaches out to shake Gulliver's hand.)

Jim:

"No, no, no, just a minute, Humphrey! That wasn't all!"

(Humphrey sits down again. He is not pleased.)

Humphrey:

(threateningly, as if to a small child that is about to do something naughty) "Minister…"

Jim:

(to Gulliver) "You have placed both the DAA and the civil service in quite an embarrassing situation."

Gulliver:

"Yes, Minister."

Jim:

"So, now I'm telling you to put it right again. I need you to tell the press that you lied about those figures."

(Door 1 opens and Bernard sticks his head through the door opening.)

Bernard:

"Don't you mean 'lied about the lies about those figures', Minister? You see, if you've got the figures that were lied about in the first place and then you want him to lie about the lying about the figures, so you'd want him to lie about the lying, or rather, in short, say that the figures weren't lied about at all."

(Jim, Humphrey and Gulliver are staring at Bernard.)

Jim:

"Get Sir Humphrey and me a cup of tea, will you Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Erm, yes, Minister."

(Bernard leaves and shuts the door.)

Jim:

"Anyway, I want you to tell the press that you lied to them."

Gulliver:

"But I didn't!"

Jim:

"Oh, for heaven's sake, man! You're a civil servant!"

Humphrey:

"And what is that supposed to mean, Minister?"

Jim:

"Oh, Humphrey! I think I know how it works by now… Telling lies about the truth, telling the truth about lies…it must be all the same to you?"

Humphrey:

"Minister, if you're suggesting…"

Jim:

"Humphrey, pull yourself together! If this isn't stopped, the reputation of the civil service will be damaged too, you know. Or whatever is left of it…"

(Humphrey looks extremely offended, but says nothing.)

Jim:

"Right, so that's settled then. Try to come up with some ideas as to how we'll go about it and I'll see you tomorrow afternoon in my office. Agreed, Gulliver?"

Gulliver:

(sulkily) "Yes, Minister."

(Jim and Gulliver shake hands, then Gulliver leaves through door 1. Bernard enters with a tea tray and sits down in Humphrey's chair. Humphrey gets up from Bernard's chair.)

Humphrey:

"Thank you, Bernard."

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, yes, Sir Humphrey."

(Bernard gets up and he and Humphrey switch seats.)

Jim:

(happily) "I feel as if it's going to work, Bernard."

Bernard:

"Erm, Minister?"

Jim:

(even more enthusiastically) "Your plan! By tomorrow evening we'll get Gulliver to pull back all his, erm, leakage."

Bernard:

(with elaborate gestures) "With all due respect, Minister, you can't actually pull leakage back, you see, leakage is fluid and you cannot pull back something that is fluid, you see, you cannot actuallygrip…"

H & J:

"Yes, thank you, Bernard."

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...to be continued.