DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Arnold's office, the next morning; Arnold is sitting behind his desk and Humphrey is sitting in front of it, looking extremely pale and sweaty.)

Arnold:

"It seems you have been making a bit of a mess of things, Humpy."

Humphrey:

(with quivering voice) "Arnold?"

Arnold:

"I have heard that your minister came up with another…plan."

(Humphrey swallows and looks as if he is going to faint.)

Arnold:

"Well, Humpy?"

Humphrey:

(starting to panic) "I, well, I… You see, Arnold, it's not my fault, I mean, it wasn't really the minister's idea. Nor mine! It's not actually me you should be blaming for this."

Arnold:

"Ah, so another one of our colleagues has come up with this preposterous scheme, is that right?"

Humphrey:

(relieved) "Exactly, Arnold."

Arnold:

"Well, I'd understand if you don't want to tell me whose idea it was, but…"

Humphrey:

(eagerly) "It was Bernard's."

Arnold:

"Bernard's!

Humphrey:

"I know, yes. I warned him not to say anything about the matter, but the minister insisted on hearing what he wanted to say about it."

Arnold:

"Good God, Humpy! This is a disaster! I'll have to talk to Bernard about this…"

(Arnold picks up the receiver of the telephone and dials.)

Arnold:

"Bernard? Sir Arnold here. Yes, I want you in my office at once. Now!"

(Arnold puts down the receiver.)

Arnold:

"He's on his way now. You see, Humpy, as a member of the civil service, leaking confidential information to the press is one thing, I mean, it damages the minister's reputation more than ours, but taking it back again…that actually implies that civil servants are lying scoundrels!"

Humphrey:

"Absolutely, Arnold! It would blow our cover completely!"

(Arnold gives Humphrey a reproachful look. Humphrey cringes.)

Humphrey:

"I mean, not that we actually are…"

Arnold:

"Yes, thank you, Humphrey."

(Someone knocks on the door of the office.)

Arnold:

"Enter!"

(Bernard enters rather shyly.)

Bernard:

"Good morning. You, erm, wanted to see me, Sir Arnold?"

Arnold:

"Yes, Bernard. Pull up a chair."

(Bernard gets a chair from a corner of the office and puts it down beside Humphrey's chair. He sits down and looks at Humphrey, who looks back at him rather haughtily.)

Arnold:

"Now then, Bernard. I understand that you came up with an idea, is that right?"

Bernard:

"May I ask what idea you are referring to, Sir Arnold?"

Arnold:

"Maybe you should tell him, Humphrey."

Humphrey:

"With pleasure, Arnold. Look here, Bernard, Sir Arnold is referring to the plan you suggested to the minister regarding Robert Gulliver."

Bernard:

"Ah, yes, that's right. We found out that Gulliver had leaked confidential information to the press about the, erm, toxic waste figures and how the DAA, erm, presented them from a more flattering angle. I thought it would be a good idea to make Gulliver tell the press that he was wrong about the whole thing."

Arnold:

"Exactly, Bernard. And I'm not too pleased with it, I must say!"

Bernard:

(confused) "You're not?"

Humphrey:

"Bernard, have you any idea what damage would be caused if civil servants actually started admitting the fact that they're lying scoundrels!"

(Arnold gives Humphrey a very VERY reproachful look.)

Humphrey:

"I, I mean, I didn't…"

Arnold:

(rather loudly) "What Humphrey means, is that the civil service is supposed to be, or at least supposed to appear to be…sound."

Bernard:

"But what about the press knowing all about what happened to the toxic waste figures?"

Arnold:

"My dear Bernard, that's the minister's problem! Hacker will take all the blame for the DAA blunders, but who would be in trouble if your plan was carried out?"

Bernard:

"Ah, I see. The civil service."

Arnold:

"Exactly. And we can't have that, can we?"

Bernard:

"Erm, no, Sir Arnold."

Arnold:

"Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

(meekly) "No, Arnold, of course not."

Arnold:

"Good. Well done. That will be all. You know what to do."

(Humphrey and Bernard exchange confused looks.)

Humphrey:

"Erm, excuse me, Arnold, but…what exactly had you in mind?"

Arnold:

(irritated) "Well, what do you think, man? Change Hacker's mind about the matter! For heaven's sake, Humphrey, it's only a little minister!"

Bernard:

"Erm, but, you see, Sir Arnold, the minister actually really likes, erm, my idea. He wants Gulliver to talk to the press today…"

Arnold:

"So you make him dislike the idea! Humphrey, surely you can think of a way?"

Humphrey:

"Well, to be honest, Arnold…"

Arnold:

"What is the thing Hacker feels most strongly about? Apart from just votes, I mean. What was the first change he wanted to carry out when he became minister of the DAA?"

Humphrey:

(suppressing the urge to shout 'Eureka!') "Open government!"

Arnold:

"Very good, Humpy."

(Bernard emits a tiny giggle, Humphrey throws him a very nasty look.)

Arnold:

"Use this open government business to change his mind. I'm sure you'll do very well."

Humphrey:

"Thank you, Arnold. Well, Bernard, shall we pay the minister a visit in his office and give him some, erm…advice?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, yes, Sir Humpy. I mean Humphrey!"

(Humphrey glares at Bernard.)

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...to be continued.