DISCLAIMER

All characters from the Yes Minister series belong to Antony Jay and Jonathan Lynn. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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(Jim Hacker's office; Jim is sitting behind his desk, looking at a big stack of paper with a rather desperate look on his face, when someone knocks on the door.)

Jim:

"Enter!"

(Bernard comes in through door 1.)

Bernard:

"Erm, Minister, Sir Humphrey is here. He'd like a word with you."

Jim:

"Yes, alright, let him in, Bernard."

(Bernard holds the door open for Humphrey as he enters the office.)

Humphrey:

"Good morning, Minister."

Jim:

"Morning, Humphrey. Sit down, please, both of you."

(Bernard closes the door, then Humphrey and Bernard sit down on their chairs.)

Jim:

"Right, Humphrey. What is it you wanted to discuss?"

Humphrey:

"Well, actually, Minister, it's about the Gulliver matter."

Jim:

"Ah, yes. He's coming over this afternoon, and by tonight we'll all be in the clear."

Humphrey:

"Yes, you see, Minister, that's what I'm concerned about."

Jim:

"Concerned? Whatever do you mean, Humphrey?"

Humphrey:

"Well, I was wondering whether this hushing-up mentality can go hand in hand with your open government principles, you see?"

Jim:

"I'm sorry?"

Humphrey:

"You are very much a man of principles, aren't you, Minister?"

Jim:

"Well, erm, well, erm…well, yes, yes, of course I am, Humphrey. Nothing more important! It is never too early, or indeed too late…for some good principles! That's my motto!"

Humphrey:

"Yes, come to think of it, when I called you last night about your red boxes, you did sound as if you had helped yourself to a reasonable quantity of 'principles' already. New brand from the shelf next to Teacher's, was it?"

Jim:

"I was celebrating Bernard's plan, Humphrey. And I hope you're not suggesting I'm a…"

Humphrey:

"Of course not, Minister! But what I was about to say is that you, as a man of principles, really ought to admit that the toxic waste figures have been meddled with, don't you agree? Open government and all that…"

Jim:

"Yes. No! I mean, but what about…" (whispering) "…what about my votes?"

Humphrey:

"Oh, Minister… Try to look at it from a different perspective. Honestly admitting you have made a mistake can also be a most effective vote-winner! Not to mention a victory for principle. After all, those who with true sorrow confess their sins, shall receive absolution…"

Jim:

"Yes…I see what you mean, Humphrey."

Bernard:

"Amen."

Jim:

"I'm sorry, Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, nothing, Minister."

Jim:

"Good. Yes, I think I will take your advice, Humphrey. I'm sorry, Bernard, but your plan's off, I'm afraid."

Bernard:

"Oh, erm, that's alright, Minister."

Jim:

"By the way, Humphrey, where were you this morning?"

(Humphrey suddenly looks very pale again.)

Humphrey:

"Minister?"

Jim:

"This morning, where were you?"

Humphrey:

"I'm afraid I don't quite follow you, Minister."

(Jim looks very confused.)

Jim:

"Bernard?"

Bernard:

"Yes, Minister?"

Jim:

"Didn't I just ask Sir Humphrey a perfectly straight question?"

Bernard:

"Erm, yes, indeed, you did, Minister."

Jim:

"Then why doesn't he answer?"

(Bernard starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

"Well!"

Bernard:

"Because you just asked Sir Humphrey a perfectly straight question, Minister."

(Humphrey turns his head towards Bernard, looking furious.)

Humphrey:

"What exactly are you suggesting, Bernard?"

Bernard:

(sounding frightened) "Nothing, Sir Humphrey, just that…"

Jim:

(laughing) "Oh, stop it, you two! It is true, you know, Humphrey. You have never given me an answer to a straight question, let alone a straight answer to a straight question."

Humphrey:

"Minister, I…"

Jim:

"Humphrey. Indulge me and for once, just for once…answer my question. And I mean without sounding as if you have just swallowed an encyclopedia, and without trying to distract me from what I want to know. Where were you this morning?"

(Now Humphrey starts staring at his knees.)

Jim:

(extremely loudly, while hitting the desk with his hands) "Humphrey!"

Humphrey:

(loudly, with quivering voice) "I was in Arnold's office! And so was Bernard! There! You know! Are you happy now!"

Jim:

"So that's were you got this absurd confession idea from! Arnold told you to make me stop Gulliver's new press release. Why, Humphrey?"

(Humphrey is staring at his knees again, his hands are trembling slightly.)

Jim:

"Oh, for goodness sake…Bernard, you tell me."

(Bernard smiles for a second at the sight of Humphrey.)

Bernard:

(calmly) "Yes, Minister. Because, if Gulliver takes back what he said earlier, people will think the civil service are a bunch of, as Sir Arnold put it, lying scoundrels."

Jim:

"Well, everybody knows that!"

(Humphrey snaps out of his knee-staring trance.)

Humphrey:

"Minister, I beg you not to make Gulliver talk to the press again! I implore you!"

Jim:

"Why? Because Arnold will smack your bottom if you don't get this idea out of my head?"

Humphrey:

"Really, Minister!"

Jim:

"I didn't mean literally, Humphrey! But alright…I guess I might be able to do you a favour… Mind you, I'd want that favour returned."

Humphrey:

(clasping his hands) "Anything you say, Minister!"

Jim:

(pointing at the stack of paper on his desk) "I want you to explain every single aspect of these reports to me, like I asked you before. No exceptions. After all, you want me to keep informed of everything that goes on here, don't you, Humphrey? Do we agree on this?"

(Humphrey doesn't know whether to laugh or cry. Bernard is smiling.)

Humphrey:

"Yes, Minister."

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I want to dedicate this little story (for what it's worth) to Claire, for having inspired me to write this, and to Paul Eddington, Sir Nigel Hawthorne and Derek Fowlds, for their brilliant performances in Yes Minister.