A/N #1: Hello there! Look at zis! So many chapters up…that could be cause I HAD A STUPID TWO WEEKS SUSPENSION! (pants) (sigh) Oh well. Oh, yes, I just want to apologize in advance for what we are doing to Jack. It hurt to write! But, the story had to go on…Please R&R!
A/N de Cicada: It is here! Finally! Rejoice degenerates.
Minion: (arrives from abyssal vacation, literally) WHAT'S GOING ON! ARE YOU INSULTING THE READERS AGAIN CICADA WHAT DID I TELL YOU—
Cicada: (not listening) In a story like this you can tell if it is going good if it pains you to read. So read gentle reader… person… and yah. Just read. (sticks sack over still ranting minion and begins to carry him off) Come on Stephie. Let's leave the readers. I don't want to be here for this chapter.
Disclaimer: We don't own…searches through papers …anything! We don't own POTC, or Jack, or Will, or anybody else! We DO own Zerlina, but we don't particularly like to admit it…
Chapter 3:The Date of DOOM(glorious!)
It was morning at the Swann manor. Governor Swann, Elizabeth, Will, and of course, Zerlina were sitting down to a nice, cozy breakfast. Zerlina was chatting, as Elizabeth had found --to her great dismay-- was Zerlina's usual, Will was attempting to block her out, and Elizabeth was banging her head violently against the table. The Governor was listening raptly to Zerlina's chatter.
"Did you hear me fair cousin of mine?" Zerlina addressed her self-afflicting relative. Elizabeth stopped the methodical thunking of her head upon the study, maple table and jerked her head up.
"Yes, yes, of course I did!" she exclaimed, her eyes wide with fear; fear of her cousin repeating herself (or continuing to talk, whisper, gurgle, or make any other vocal sound). Zerlina looked unconvinced, and so, despite her cousin's anguished look, she repeated herself.
"Are you sure you heard me? I'll gladly repeat myself. I was telling you about this man I met when I first arrived here…"
"Make it stop, Will, make it stop!" Elizabeth sobbed into Will's shoulder. Will squeezed her shoulder understandingly.
"She has to breathe sometime, don't worry," he assured her. Elizabeth's only reaction was a muffled sob.
"…he was so kind and tender! So roguishly gentlemanly! I told him I would see him today. Do you think it presumptuous of me if I go to the pier and inquire about him, Elizabeth?" Elizabeth brightened at the thought of Zerlina leaving, even if it was only for a little while.
"Yes, yes, that is a fine idea, cousin! Why don't you go right now!" Elizabeth leaped out of her chair, and began pushing Zerlina to the door, chair and all.
"Are you sure you want me to go? I could stay and help you-"
"No, that's fine. Just leave!" Elizabeth opened the front door, fully intending to chuck Zerlina outside, only to notice someone was out there, arm poised, just about to knock.
"Jack, what the crap are you doing here?" Elizabeth blurted out. "You were supposed to leave Port Royal last night!"
"I could not leave, for my heart would remain in the hands of my fair Zerlina," Jack revealed.
"Jack, you are too bold!" Zerlina blushed modestly. Jack's head snapped to behold the glorious Zerlina.
"Zerlina! I had hoped that I would have the pleasure of showing you this fair city, though its beauty pales in comparison to you." Jack reached forward and took Zerlina's hand and kissed it, then gestured to a waiting carriage.
"I fear I cannot go with thee, fair sir, for I must help yon coz with-"
"No, no, I shall do fine ALL BY MYSELF! You just go!" Elizabeth shoved Zerlina out the door and into Jack. "Have a good time!" and she slammed the door and bolted it. "YAHAHA! I AM RID OF HER!" Elizabeth broke down into tears of happiness.
"The boy's fate is regrettable but then so is his decision to engage in piracy," blurted the Governor. Will and Elizabeth merely looked at him with confusion written on their faces.
"Elizabeth, what's he talking about?" inquired Will.
"I don't know," she replied lamely. They shrugged and then returned to their breakfast, the absence of Zerlina's blathering gloriously evident.
Jack and Zerlina were booted out of the carriage by another occupant, who was obviously annoyed with their continuing romantic balderdash. Neither Zerlina nor Jack noticed their ride's untimely end.
"Oh, darling, we are right outside the Port Royal dress shop! Come and pick thyself a fitting dress, and I shall be pleased to buy it for you, my dear," Jack suggested.
"I could not think to spend thine money in such a frivolous manner!" Zerlina cried.
"I would be insulted if you didn't!" Jack insisted. So, they made their way into the quaint little shop. Zerlina spend half an hour going from one dress to the next, until she found the perfect dress- it was a splendid shade of pink, with more lace than actual fabric and enough taffeta to drown a moose.
"This one, Jack, this one!" Zerlina called to Jack, who had by now fallen asleep in a chair, conveniently set aside for those waiting on their dearly loved ones. "I thought the dresses in Blackburn were delightful, but look at this fine product…Isn't it wonderful, Jack?"
"It's glorious!" he proclaimed, jerking out of his slumber. "Clerk, please ring up the dress of my lady friend," winking mischievous at the clerk. The clerk grinned widely, understanding, and quickly sold the pink dress of doom to Jack.
Zerlina and Jack's next stop was the market place of Port Royale, renown for its beautiful and exotic jewelry. Jack had bought a beautiful 24-karat diamond necklace there earlier. He planned to surprise Zerlina with it when they went on the romantic seaside picnic Jack had also planned for them to go on later that night. Suddenly Zerlina stopped and pointed.
"Oh Jack!" she called out, for the pirate had gotten ahead of her. She pointed to an apple stand "Can I get some of these?" Jack was fairly puzzled by her request, but bought the five largest juiciest apples from the vendor.
The vendor looked at Zerlina appraisingly. "You're a lucky man, sir." Jack looked at Zerlina who seemed to be muttering to the apples.
"Indeed. I feel like the luckiest man alive to have such a treasure." He grinned and walked over to the lady who had captured his heart.
"—Yes Captain Bar—"she noticed Jack looking at her strangely and quickly amended, "—bara will absolutely LOVE these!" She turned to Jack and explained, "She was so kind to me on the crossing from England. I feel I must repay her." She smiled suspiciously but Jack, of course, noticed not.
"That is so sweet of you," Jack praised, then turned and pointed to his ship. It was a little ways away, docked at the pier. "Come, fair Zerlina, let us go and have luncheon upon the Black Pearl, my ship!"
Will Turner stood hunched over a walnut table, studying a map detailed map of Port Royal. "This spot could work…" he muttered, staring at a spot on the map that was untaken by shops or houses. His eyes then strayed bottom of the map, where words seemed to be forming before his very eyes. "What the…" He focused on the ink as it assembled into letters. There was an M there, a Z over there, and an A… He gave out a surprised gasp as the words were suddenly made clear. " 'Zerlina is a Mary Sue'? I have heard of these demons! They are numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" He raced out of the room, looking for Elizabeth. He found her drawing stick figures labeled "Zerlina", and she was shredding them into pieces with a rusty butcher knife.
"Elizabeth! I have found out what is wrong with Zerlina!" Elizabeth looked up from her devious activity.
"What are you talking about?" she questioned. He grabbed her arm and yanked her up, and pulled her through the house into his make-shift study.
"You must look at my map! It contains the answer to all the questions!" Elizabeth was mildly frightened by Will's hysteria, but followed him nonetheless. He steered her to his walnut desk, and pointed to the map stretched out upon its surface.
"Will, there's nothing there. It's just a map." She looked at him with worry. "Are you alright? Do you need to sit down?"
"I'm fine. But…where did the letters go?" He franticly searched the map. "I'm sure they were here…Oh well. No matter. I know the truth! WAHAHA!" Elizabeth backed away slowly, not wanting to startle her husband. She decided to wait till Will calmed down; which he did after a time. He turned to her, and looked deeply into her eyes. "Zerlina is a Mary Sue." Elizabeth gasped.
"I have heard of these creatures! Numerous in quantity, sinister in nature!" she whispered fearfully. "So, what are we to do?"
"We must do the only logical thing. Call the exterminators!" Out of nowhere, Will pulled out a gigantic telephone book and thumped it onto his walnut desk. Both Elizabeth and Will searched the yellow pages frantically.
"Malls…" Will flipped two pages by accident. "Minions…no, too far." He flipped back a page.
"Here, Will! Mary Sue Exterminators!" Elizabeth stabbed her finger down towards an add. "See, 'Stephan and Cicacia, experienced Mary Sue Exterminators - cheap.' Quick, Will, get the phone!" Will searched around the room, turning up nothing.
"We don't have a phone!" He nearly wept. Elizabeth, too, began to despair.
"Maybe, if we close our eyes and wish real hard they will come to us and rid us of Zerlina forever," she suggested. And so the two bowed their heads…and wished.
It was evening now. Jack and Zerlina sat side-by-side staring at the stars, next to the remains of their seaside picnic. Jack reached over and took Zerlina's hand.
"See the stars? And the way they reflect off the sea?" Jack turned to her. "That is exactly how I feel about you. I love you Zerlina." Zerlina tore her eyes off the stars, and turned to face the handsome, roguish pirate of her dreams.
"Oh, Jack…"
Jack pulled the 24-carat diamond necklace out of a pouch attached to his belt, and held it out to Zerlina.
"I want you to keep this as a gift from me forever." He gently fastened it around her slim and graceful neck. He removed his hands from about her neck, but did not pull his face away from hers. Her lips glittered like the stars above. Zerlina looked deeply into Jack's eyes, his o so brown eyes. She slipped her arms around his neck, and felt his steal around her waist. His face was so close now…so close…
Ooh, aren't we mean to you? Bwahhahaa! You'll have to keep reading to find out what happens to poor, Mary Sue-ensnared Jack!
