Lost Memories of My Love

Chapter 39 – Forgotten Phrases

Seifer glared at Ashleigh, still keeping his grip on her firm. His sister had given up trying to resist Seifer's attempts to throw her off the balcony. Because of her demeanour, Seifer did not knowwhether to believe Ashleigh's words or not. She had a habit of lying a lot … but the way she had just spoken was very convincing. The look in her face and her tone ... it was hard not to believe her. Then again, it could've just been an act so he could let her off easy…

"I swear, Seifer, I … I didn't mean to," said Ashleigh quietly.

There was an eerie silence as Seifer simply held onto Ashleigh, wondering what to do with her. The younger woman's heartbeat slowed down to normal speed. She shuddered when a chilly wind blew past her, making her tawny hair whip around in the air. She let out a quiet but deep breath.

Seifer pulled Ashleigh up over the balcony and let go of her, folding his arms and keeping a close eye on her. "Continue."

Ashleigh opened her eyes, the pain in her back relieving. She straightened her clothes and flipped her hair back into place. Her gaze fell back onto Seifer, the utmost seriousness in his face.

She sighed. "Come on inside and I'll tell you."

Seifer was rather confused with Ashleigh's calm and mature behaviour. She was actually being nice to him. Maybe that near-death experience knocked some sense into her. But he didn't trust her completely yet. He followed her uneasily back into the house and sat himself down at the small dining room table while Ashleigh fiddled around the pantry for something to serve her guest.

Okay … this is officially creeping me out, thought Seifer, What's happened to her? She's gone from a monster to a … scary monster.

"So … you mind telling me what's going on?" asked Seifer.

Ashleigh was silent at first. She waited for the water she had just poured into the kettle to finish boiling before she began to speak. "I don't even know what's going on, Seifer," she said quietly.

"Really, now?" said Seifer with a smirk, "You're usually the first to know everything, sticking your nose into other people's business…"

Ashleigh rolled her eyes, but decided not to reply. She began making her brother some coffee silently. She didn't know what to say. She didn't even want to say anything…

Seifer sensed something through his sister's behaviour, and finally came to a conclusion that maybe something had changed. She wasn't usually like this, and being bitter to her wasn't going to make her talk. "Why don't you start from the beginning?" he asked gently.

Ashleigh tried to smile as she handed Seifer a mug of hot coffee. She sat herself down with her own mug in hand, fingering the bevelling patterns on the piece of china. "You remember Squall, right?"

Seifer snickered, taking a sip from his coffee. "Yeah, how can I forget? The lucky man that you were gonna marry, not to mention the guy Rinoa is so madly in love with…"

"Well," said Ashleigh slowly, "The thing is … I'm still marrying him."

Seifer stared at his sister in pure shock, his eye slightly twitching. "What?"

Before he could start shouting profanities and lectures at her, Ashleigh quickly tried to explain herself. "No … it's not what you think…"

She retold her story from Sera's blackmailing to Rinoa's being a sorceress. Seifer was quite amazed – even he didn't know that Rinoa was a sorceress. As Ashleigh's story continued, Seifer's anger grew along with his hatred for his mother. But by the way Ashleigh was talking, Seifer actually began to think that Ashleigh wasn't such a bad person after all … but he tried not to venture that far.

"…And now she's making me marry Squall!" cried Ashleigh.

"You sound like you don't want to," sneered Seifer.

"Well," said Ashleigh, slightly embarrassed, "I kind of don't."

"Surprising," said Seifer, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't know … I really care about Squall," said Ashleigh slowly, "And now that I think about it, Rinoa isn't such a bad person either…"

"That's because she isn't," said Seifer.

Ashleigh lost herself in thought. "Well … I guess we're both driven by our care for Squall and Rinoa."

"What?"

The redhead sighed. "We are such bad people."

Seifer smirked but didn't argue, because it was true. But he wanted to make it up to Rinoa, for being such an idiot. Heck, he wanted to make it up to Squall too. Neither of them deserved this … it was too cruel…

"So what are you gonna do about it?" asked Seifer.

"Me?" cried Ashleigh, "What can I do about it? Mother said—"

"For Hyne's sake, Ashleigh," growled Seifer, "When are you gonna let go of that woman? I thought by now you'd have realised she isn't worth holding onto?"

"But—"

"Open your eyes," said Seifer, ignoring Ashleigh, "She's using you to get what she wants. She wants that money, that power. Can't you see that? She doesn't care about your happiness with Squall; she never cared about you and him being together. All she cared about was what was going in her pocket. That's the same with Caraway, she married that old man not because she loved him, but because she wanted money."

Ashleigh didn't say anything, absorbing what her brother was telling her. It made her think.

"So what's the point?" said Seifer, "You're following someone who doesn't even care. What would you rather? Following a selfish bitch, even if it means jeopardising your own reputation with everyone else, or following your heart and making the people you care about happy, even if it means dropping that old hag."

Ashleigh was silenced for a moment. She only just realised the truth in Seifer's words. She stared at her hands, a whole new feeling sweeping over her. "So … so what should we do?"

"Well … you wanna stop the wedding right?" said Seifer.

Ashleigh nodded. "But I don't want to make it too conspicuous."

Seifer looked thoughtful. "Well … this was what I had in mind…"

The two of them began discussing ideas of how to solve the problem. At times they would argue and fuss, pointing out the inanity of each other's ideas. But finally, they came to a rough conclusion.

"…But that's dangerous!" exclaimed Ashleigh.

"Since when did you care?" said Seifer, "It's gotta work."

"We could get into a lot of trouble," said Ashleigh, staring at her brother.

"Hey, I'm used to it," said Seifer, "I thought you would be too, by now."

Ashleigh's worried face turned into a mischievous, gleeful one. "All right, I'm game."

There was silence between the both of them as they just sat there in thought. Different emotions and expectations were running through their minds, both were in wonder about how their plan was going to turn out.

"Who would've thought that we'd ending up plotting together," mused Seifer suddenly.

Ashleigh looked at him, a funny fondness in her eyes. "Yeah. And for a very unlikely reason, too."

Seifer rolled his eyes. "For a sorceress and the vice president of Esthar. Yep, pretty unlikely."

Ashleigh laughed meekly. "…Thanks, Seifer."

Seifer raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"For … everything, I guess," said Ashleigh quietly.

Seifer simply smirked in response, not expecting any kind of thanks from his sister. Deeply, he was grateful that they ended up working together. He was glad that Ashleigh finally found the error of her ways. He never thought that it would happen, and all his life he had secretly wished that the girl he used to call his little sister would come back again. And now that she finally did ... it felt as if a space in his heart had been filled...

In the midst of the silence, loud footsteps were suddenly heard heading down the hallway. Ashleigh wiped the goofy smile off her face and immediately looked panicked.

"It's mother! She's home!" she said.

Seifer quickly stood up, knocking over the remains of his coffee in the process. He tried to take no notice of it. He didn't want to be detected, because if Sera found him in her house conversing with Ashleigh, then she would most likely know something was up. And if she knew something was up ... then their plan was not going to work out very well...

"Oh shit, what am I supposed to do?" groaned Seifer, looking around frantically.

Ashleigh got up and also began looking around. There's no way out… Her fear only rose when the footsteps were getting closer. She bit her bottom lip nervously. She saw her mother's shadow down the hallway and her heart skipped beats.

"Ashleigh, where are you?"

Seifer gave Ashleigh a desperate look. The redhead quickly grabbed Seifer by the arm and opened the pantry door behind her. She threw Seifer in hurriedly, only to hear tins and packets of food falling down. Seifer huddled himself together hastily and Ashleigh slammed the door shut, leaning against it protectively.

To her slight relief, her mother came into the kitchen just as she stood her ground. She tried to look casual, but standing in front of a pantry in a protective stance was not exactly casual.

"What are you doing, Ashleigh?" asked Sera suspiciously.

"Um … nothing, mother," said Ashleigh nervously.

"Who were you talking to?"

"Oh … I was just on the phone, that's all," said Ashleigh quickly.

Seifer tried to hold his breath to avoid Sera finding him. He knew that his mother could practically smell fear. But he wasn't scared … just uncomfortable. He was squashed up in a strange-smelling pantry and desperately wanted to move.

"All right," said Sera slowly. Her eyes darted to the spilt coffee that was on the table.

"Erm … don't mind the mess, I'll clean it up later," said Ashleigh quickly.

"Did you have guests over…?"

Ashleigh remembered that there were to cups of coffee there. "Uh … no, I just wanted to two cups of coffee for myself."

Sera stared at Ashleigh as if she were crazy. "All right … well I'm just going to take a nap now…"

Ashleigh nodded with enthusiasm. "Yes, go ahead!"

Sera walked out of the kitchen and into her bedroom, keeping a suspicious eye on her daughter as she went. When Ashleigh saw the door close, she let out a sigh of relief, got off the door and opened it, letting Seifer out for some air.

"Damn, that's some place I never wanna go in again," said Seifer, collecting himself.

"Shh, she'll hear us," hissed Ashleigh, "You have to leave now."

"Fine," mumbled Seifer, "We have to put some more thought into our plan…"

Ashleigh nodded, leading Seifer down the hall and to the door. "Okay … meet me at the café across the street tomorrow afternoon…"

Seifer nodded in agreement. "All right … I'll see you later." He opened the door and left without another word, leaving Ashleigh in stunned thought.

And now I wonder how he and I went wrong, thought Ashleigh.


Eventually, months passed slowly as the long days dragged on. As the seasons changed, so did its children. The passing time was in complete misery – after the news of Squall and Ashleigh still marrying, the joy seemed to be sucked out of everyone. Everyone except Sera, of course. But nobody seemed to be more affected by the droning sadness than Squall and Rinoa themselves. The both of them stopped talking to each other, and eventually stopped seeing each other. It was as if they had never met.

As time went by, their wounds stayed the same. They did not heal, nor did they deepen. It seemed as if they both just left their wounds there until they died of emotional bleeding. Nobody knew what to do. Nobody even dared to do anything. All they wanted was to move on … and moving on was harder than anybody had ever expected.

It was the day before Squall and Ashleigh's expected marriage. Rinoa was walking along the sandy shores of Balamb beach alone, trying to wash away the uneasy feeling inside of her. Strangely, she felt no emotion at this time. All she felt was emptiness. It seemed her sadness dried up, and this was the aftermath.

The quiet morning held a patchy grey sky, blotched with silver-white clouds and little sunlight. A cool breeze swept across the beach, whipping Rinoa's raven hair side to side. She had her shoes off, enjoying the cold tingle of the ocean at her feet. The beach seemed abandoned – winter was an unpopular time for the students at Garden to inhabit it, even if Balamb winters were nowhere near as freezing as any other place in the world.

Rinoa closed her eyes as she stood on the shoreline, absorbing what her senses fed her. She couldn't help but venture into the depths of her newly found memory at all the joyous times she shared with Squall on the beach. Even in the emptiness inside her, Squall still remained a part of her. She wanted to let go … but it was too difficult. It was like he was inside her no matter what…

'Squall … you're so warm…'

She remembered the time they were on the beach at night. Squall had given her a ride on his back because Rinoa was dead tired and cold. They were both drenched to the bone, and Rinoa was shivering madly. Squall made her feel warmer, not to mention he jolted her senses like no other person…

'You caught me…'

A new, fond memory overwrote the old one. Squall and Rinoa were on the beach on the same day. They were still innocent teenagers … just going to the beach for fun. Rinoa had stolen Squall's ring, and finally Squall caught her. He was lying on top of her, inching closer to her face…

'Love will always return.'

The two young lovers were talking on the beach. They were playing with Rinoa's pinwheel, and Squall thought up an extraordinary theory about love. He told her to remember it always … and so she did. But now … she failed to believe his words. She tried her best to trust what Squall had told her, but even trying couldn't help.

"Squall…" she murmured softly.

Rinoa opened her eyes, and a new emotion was born inside of her. The emptiness she felt was replaced with something else. What was it? It seemed like a mixture of anger and sadness at the same time. But it was much more than that. Everything seemed to fall down on her; it was like the weight of the world crushing her shoulders.

Everything she ever felt and remembered swallowed her mind. Images of Ashleigh, Sera and Seifer appeared in front of her. Strings of words entranced her ears. More people blurred her eyes … Squall, Min, Caraway, her friends…. Broken dialogue encircled her hearing. Voices … so many voices … so many people … so many images…

'It was an accident, I swear!'

'Leave me alone.'

'Whatever.'

'You little wench…'

'Hey Sierra…'

'I'm not Rinoa.'

'I…I am Rinoa…'

'Rinoa!'

'Rin…'

'Rinoa-san!'

'I love you … Rinoa.'

Ashleigh and Squall were in their wedding clothes. The couple kissed each other passionately, entranced in each other's lips.

'I love you, Ashleigh.'

Rinoa screamed. She let out an agonising cry, trying to drown out the pounding in her ears. She fell to her knees, letting out piercing sobs of pain. Her blood began to boil. She began to tremble madly. Her hands gripped at the sand below her, knuckles turning white. She quickly opened her eyes. They were fiery red, flickering with fury. White wings sprouted from her back and lifted her into the air. She had no control over her body. Everything was just a blur.

Rinoa yelled again. She was above the ocean now. She could feel emotions running through her blood, surging around her body. She tried to fight it, but it was too strong. Lightning began to strike as the sorceress within her began casting rogue spells. The ocean stirred, as the waves crashed even more. She stayed in midair and began to destroy everything around her – not that there was much to do destroy.

"Rinoa!"

That voice… Rinoa tried to remember whose voice it was. Oh … it's Squall … what's he doing here…? Her fiery eyes darted in the direction of the voice. Her eyes told her it was just some human being, but her mind told her it was Squall. She raised her arm, readying to cast a spell on him.

Squall … help me, she thought frantically.

"Rinoa, it's me, Squall! Calm down!" shouted Squall.

Calm … Rinoa stop what ever you're doing, she told herself. Stop it I said!

"Rinoa … please…"

The integrity in Squall's voice seemed to trigger something within her. Her body appeared to respond, as suddenly her eyes faded back into her chocolate ones, and the wings from her back disappeared. But that only caused her to fall from the sky and right into the middle of the ocean.

Rinoa let out a cry as soon as she was in contact with the icy water. The ocean stung at her eyes and pricked at her skin. She tried to get above the water, but it was too deep. She let out a muted scream, but all she was met with was water entering her mouth. Her blood was throbbing in her veins, while her heart raced and her mind pounded uncontrollably.

Suddenly, she saw Squall in the ocean with her. A quick feeling of déjà vu overcame her, but she hastily brushed it aside. She called out Squall's name, but was met with silence. He swam towards her, urgency in his eyes. She screamed his name again, but choked on her own breath as salty water entered her mouth. Her chest felt heavy. Everything was black.

She felt nothing.


"Rinoa…"

Rinoa stirred. The voice was echoing in her mind. She tried to open her eyes, but her eyelids felt heavy. She was numb with cold. She could taste salt in her mouth. Her chest was tight and she could feel her heart beating. But she couldn't feel her breath…

"Rinoa…"

Suddenly, she felt air gush down her throat and into her lungs. Rinoa coughed up water and her eyes flickered open, only to see Squall's heavenly face above her. His hair and face were wet, and his stormy eyes looked deep into hers with concern. It seemed that he had just resuscitated her. He gave her the kiss of life…

Rinoa sat up, and coughed some more. She was drenched to the bone. She shivered wildly, trembling uncontrollably. Her wet hair clung to her face, and she tried to avoid Squall's eyes.

"What … what happened?" asked Rinoa croakily.

Squall took off his jacket and wrapped it around Rinoa protectively. "You went Angel Wing … then you had control over yourself again, but fell into the ocean…"

Rinoa rubbed her aching forehead. "What … what are you doing here?"

Squall sat back on the sand in front of her, trying to catch her eyes. "I was … looking for you."

Rinoa looked at Squall. She couldn't help but notice how beautiful he looked when he was wet. She quickly shrugged the thought off her shoulders and huddled closer into Squall's jacket.

"Why…?" asked Rinoa.

Squall shrugged uncomfortably. "I don't know … so we could talk. Hang out, maybe. Be friends…"

Friends… Rinoa didn't know how to react. She was grateful Squall still cared, but was disappointed that they could only 'be friends'. She would have turned the offer down, seeing as how she really didn't want to speak to Squall on the day before his wedding. But since he just saved her life … she was indebted to him…

Rinoa weakly smiled at him. "All right…"

Squall was surprised with Rinoa's answer but didn't question it. Instead, he smiled back at her gratefully. He stood up and gave her a hand. She grabbed it, stood up and followed him to his car.

The early morrow turned into day. Surprisingly, the two of them had a more enjoyable time than expected. They forgot about their issues with each other and just had fun. Squall took Rinoa to a fair in Centra, and talked and enjoyed themselves as if there was nothing wrong. They would eat, go on rides, play games and talk without a single quarrel. The day seemed endless, but eventually, it did come to an end. As night fell, the both of them headed away from the busy fair.

"So … where to now?" asked Squall.

Rinoa took a bite from her cotton candy stick. "How about…" She looked thoughtful. "The lighthouse."

Squall raised an eyebrow, wondering why she picked such a place.

"It's nearby, isn't it?" said Rinoa, sensing what Squall was thinking.

Squall nodded. "All right … the lighthouse then."

The both of them walked to the orphanage and sat themselves in the flower field, where many fond memories lay. Rinoa huddled her knees closer to her chest and watched as the stars appeared in the sky, one by one, lighting up the night. Squall simply watched her in silence.

Not one word was exchanged between the both of them, as they simply acknowledged one another's presence. Rinoa felt drawn to Squall, as did Squall to Rinoa. But they didn't express it to one another at all … they were too afraid to.

"I … I don't want today to end," said Rinoa quietly.

And indeed she didn't. She loved Squall so much … she didn't want to lose him forever. They had such a great time together that day, forgetting about the next day to come. But as the fun came to an end, so did their fantasy of having time freeze to avoid destiny. Reality bit them back … and it hurt.

"Neither do I," murmured Squall.

Rinoa looked at Squall. She wanted to question him; she wanted to ask that same question that had been dancing at the tip of her tongue. She wanted to ask him why. Why was he going through with something if he said he didn't want to? Sure, it was like him to follow orders ... but this was just ridiculous...

Instead, she said nothing. She was afraid of the answer. "Squall … do you have to go through with tomorrow…?"

Squall slowly nodded his head sadly. "I'm … I'm sorry, Rin. But … today … I just wanted to have you speaking to me again. Because I don't want you hating me forever … if you did, then I could never live with myself…"

Rinoa weakly smiled, not knowing what else to do. "I … I could never hate you, Squall…"

Squall nodded. He opened his mouth to speak, but quickly shut it again. Fighting against his conscience, he finally decided to say what was on his mind. "So … if that's the case … I … I wanted to ask you to come to the … the wedding tomorrow..."

Rinoa looked taken aback. After all this … he wants to me to see him marry another woman? He's crueller than I thought…

"But I understand if you don't want to," said Squall quickly, sensing the hurt in Rinoa's eyes. "I mean, I don't want to tear you up or anything … I just … want you there … because…" He trailed off in thought. Because I need you…

Rinoa nodded slowly in understanding. "It's okay…" She pursed her lips together. "I … I understand. I'll … I'll be there…"

Squall smiled at her gratefully. "Thank you … Rinoa."

There was silence again, as they simply stared at each other. In the eerie quietness, it felt as if they were both drowning in each other's deep eyes, because that was how much they stared at one another.

"Oh, and there's something I wanted to give you," said Squall quietly, breaking the silence.

Rinoa cocked her head in curiosity. "Really…?"

Squall nodded. He took her hand and held it in his. He reached into his pocket, and slipped a ring on her right hand. It was Griever.

Rinoa looked up at him, on the verge of tears. She didn't know what this meant. She had given it back to him for a reason … it was because she didn't want a constant reminder of him. Him giving it back meant something completely new… "What…?"

"Keep it," said Squall, "It's of no use to me. It was made for you, Rinoa … and I thought that you'd keep it forever, no matter what…"

"But…" Rinoa looked at the ring, shimmering in the moonlight.

"It can be our symbol of friendship," said Squall, "Y'know … just friends. And … I can still be your knight and everything … I mean, there's no rule in the book that said a sorceress's knight can't be her friend…"

He doesn't know how much that hurts, thought Rinoa sadly. But she conceded his efforts to keep them alive, even if it was just as friends.

"Th-thanks, Squall," said Rinoa quietly.

Squall nodded with a meek smile. He looked deep into her eyes. He could tell a million tears had gone by, and hoped that those beautiful brown eyes were finally dry. But inside that hope, there was great doubt as well.

"And … there's one more thing I wanted to give you … before we're officially just friends," said Squall.

Rinoa looked up at him with a quiet smile, but behind that smile was the deepest sorrow. "What is it…?"

Squall sighed. "Rinoa…" He looked away for a split second, but turned back to her again, looking straight in her earthen eyes. He took her in his arms and in a flash, placed his lips on Rinoa's, sending shivers throughout his body.

Rinoa's eyes widened, as she was caught off guard. This was rather unexpected. As much as she wanted to pull away, she wanted even more to accept Squall's gift. It was the last time she can ever call him hers … and she wanted to embrace it…

Rinoa wrapped her arms around Squall and closed her eyes, pressing her lips back onto Squall's. She deepened their shared passion and felt tingly all over. She forgot the last time they ever kissed … it seemed like forever ago…

Their kiss felt like it lasted for eternity. Rinoa felt so happy … she couldn't believe how light she felt, as if the weight of the world had been lifted from her shoulders. She couldn't believe how much she loved Squall, and how much he loved her. But then she remembered that their love was forbidden … and tomorrow, Squall was going to marry her stepsister. She remembered how she lost him so many times, and now that she finally found him, she was going to lose him again…

Suddenly, the deep kiss that Squall had planted on her felt painful. She withdrew her mouth away from Squall, as tears began to dwell in her eyes. She kept her arms around Squall, holding onto him tightly, and her face fell onto his chest, letting out all the pain and dire feeling inside of her.

Squall was slightly disappointed that their kiss came to an end, but could understand why Rinoa was so upset. He held her tightly and just wanted to kill himself, as Rinoa's cries rung in his ears.

"I'm …I'm so sorry, Rinoa," he murmured in her hair.

Rinoa simply cried some more. She heard Squall's words and tried to believe them, but it was difficult. She didn't want the next day to come … she knew she was going to fall apart without Squall … and just the mere thought of him being with someone else made her cry even more…

"I love you, Squall," sobbed Rinoa. "I … love you so much…"

A/N: I'm sorry everyone, I'm milking this for all it's worth, aren't I? But I hope this chapter was enjoyable :) And Queen Adreena ... I think I update so quickly with such a long chapter because I lack an exciting life XD But yeah, I will try to update as soon as possible ... the next chapter will be the last, I hope, if things go according to plan ... anyways, thank you for the nice reviews everyone. I appreciate it :)